College Essay
This is my college essay that has to be between 250-500 words. I am willing to go over slightly, but need a final closing paragraph and have absolutely no idea what to write. Anything you think I could improve upon would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.
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?Rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out.? This excerpt from article written by Loyd Blakenship best illustrates my feeling when I first felt when I entered the world of computers. In seventh grade, my friend requested that I get a program that would allow me to talk to her over the computer. Ever since doing so, I have been hooked. My continuing fascination with the knowledge and complexities of how computers work has led me on quest for a better understanding of both areas.
In 1988, my family bought our first computer to be used for schoolwork, but we mostly used for games. As I got older, the computer was used more often, but usually for games. In middle school I began using the computer to type reports and papers. I also started to use it to talk to friends via chat programs. During this time, the Internet had fast become the bleeding edge of technology and so it soon became my primary tool for knowledge.
Before I became interested in computers, I never understood that the Internet has an almost infinite resource of knowledge on just about everything. My eventual realization of this fact was what fueled my continuing interest in computers and the Internet. I soon decided I should learn the terminology so that I could understand what people were saying in the articles that I was reading. I started in seventh grade but my progress was fairly slow due to the fact that I was only capable of learning a handful of terms each week. I continued doing this throughout middle school and high school and also began experimenting with more software and physical hardware parts. I started acquiring a stockpile of miscellaneous computer parts to experiment with.
After years of using computers, and reading about them, a few small fires, and an electrical burn or two, I have a basic understanding of computer components and electricity. I have also learned how to use many different software programs and have some knowledge of Windows, Macintosh, and Linux, the three major operating systems. From the simplest parts of the operating system to complex 3D graphical programs, I have mastered many applications, but as with everything in the computer world, there always seems to be more areas to explore.
I started taking programming classes in eleventh grade. It was really interesting to be in complete control over the computer as opposed to simply manipulating options given to me. These classes created an interest in me for programming and I quickly took up various computer languages to create programs for my own computer as well as for web pages. I am currently enrolled in a Desktop Publishing computer class in which the seven elements of design are examined and explained.
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Edit: I also wanted to know if I NEED a conclusion paragraph or if just a good sentence would work.
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?Rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out.? This excerpt from article written by Loyd Blakenship best illustrates my feeling when I first felt when I entered the world of computers. In seventh grade, my friend requested that I get a program that would allow me to talk to her over the computer. Ever since doing so, I have been hooked. My continuing fascination with the knowledge and complexities of how computers work has led me on quest for a better understanding of both areas.
In 1988, my family bought our first computer to be used for schoolwork, but we mostly used for games. As I got older, the computer was used more often, but usually for games. In middle school I began using the computer to type reports and papers. I also started to use it to talk to friends via chat programs. During this time, the Internet had fast become the bleeding edge of technology and so it soon became my primary tool for knowledge.
Before I became interested in computers, I never understood that the Internet has an almost infinite resource of knowledge on just about everything. My eventual realization of this fact was what fueled my continuing interest in computers and the Internet. I soon decided I should learn the terminology so that I could understand what people were saying in the articles that I was reading. I started in seventh grade but my progress was fairly slow due to the fact that I was only capable of learning a handful of terms each week. I continued doing this throughout middle school and high school and also began experimenting with more software and physical hardware parts. I started acquiring a stockpile of miscellaneous computer parts to experiment with.
After years of using computers, and reading about them, a few small fires, and an electrical burn or two, I have a basic understanding of computer components and electricity. I have also learned how to use many different software programs and have some knowledge of Windows, Macintosh, and Linux, the three major operating systems. From the simplest parts of the operating system to complex 3D graphical programs, I have mastered many applications, but as with everything in the computer world, there always seems to be more areas to explore.
I started taking programming classes in eleventh grade. It was really interesting to be in complete control over the computer as opposed to simply manipulating options given to me. These classes created an interest in me for programming and I quickly took up various computer languages to create programs for my own computer as well as for web pages. I am currently enrolled in a Desktop Publishing computer class in which the seven elements of design are examined and explained.
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Edit: I also wanted to know if I NEED a conclusion paragraph or if just a good sentence would work.
Comments
first, is this your general essay?
Cheers
Scott
Originally posted by billybobsky
so i will byte (teehee).
first, is this your general essay?
Yes.
I just thought about me and computers would be a good topic but it seems to have turned out a watered down piece of crap. Under 500 words is harder haha.
You need to convince them who you are. Computers obviously play an important role in your life but I presume there is more to it. Maybe use computers as a hook into who you are.
My college essay was so bad it stank for four years behind me. my friends mocked me constantly. I dont want that to happen to anyone else. (It didnt matter I got into where I wanted to go).
it sounds like you are applying for a position in a desktop publishing firm...
colleges are trying to get a sense of who YOU are as a PERSON when they read your essays... This is usually in lieu of an interview, so think of it that way.
You want the college to get to know YOU... computers might be important in your life, but unless you associate it to show how YOUR personality might be a good match for the school it is going to be a bad essay.
some suggestions: focus on something that anyone can relate to. Whoever reads this might not know that much about computers-and might not care about this essay as a result. Instead of focusing on what you have done with computers (learned how to use this and that, program this and that) focus on something like "computers led to my passion" X and then talk about X and why it is important that computers led you there.
also, you give too much background you can cut the entire first paragraph into:
Rushing through the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is sent out.? This excerpt from article written by Loyd Blakenship best illustrates my feeling when I first felt when I entered the world of computers. In seventh grade, my friend requested that I get a program that would allow me to talk to her over the computer. Ever since doing so, I have been hooked. Not too long after I discovered the internet and it quickly became my primary tool for learning.
you can also cut most of the 2nd paragraph as it can be easily added to the above with:
I used it for everything and as I became more familiar with it I wanted to find out how it worked.
post your thoughts and i'll revise a little more
where are you sending this to?
Originally posted by billybobsky
use computers to reveal a desire for knowledge. the internet thing can be taken in a different direction. etc etc. personal is good and there is always your guidance councellor.
My guidance counselor knows nothing and I have to have it done by wednesday.
Originally posted by ast3r3x
My guidance counselor knows nothing and I have to have it done by wednesday.
Hrm. College entrance essay.
Um, don't use the word "heroin" at any point.
Tell them what you're interested in, what you want to study, what kind of community service you've done, jobs you've had, experiences with diversity, that kind of thing.
everything always gets done.
Intro is good (shocking), I would pull the rest of the passage into that paragraph. there is no need to spend excessive time on computers/internet, end the paragraph with the internet/knowledge.
go to what you discovered online, friendship, topics discussed that were not otherwise available basically you need to reveal yourself through this extended "storyline"
Originally posted by midwinter
Hrm. College entrance essay.
Um, don't use the word "heroin" at any point.
Tell them what you're interested in, what you want to study, what kind of community service you've done, jobs you've had, experiences with diversity, that kind of thing.
Heh. I didn't know if that would be too much or not, I figured it would grab their attention
Originally posted by ast3r3x
Heh. I didn't know if that would be too much or not, I figured it would grab their attention
Oh it will. But you don't want to grab it in the wrong way.
Keep in mind that these essays tell an admissions board a few important things:
1) Can you write? Are you literate? Thoughtful? Coherent?
2) Can you follow instructions?
3) What are you like aside from your academic record?
And most importantly:
4) What kind of service will you be to this institution? (i.e. were you active in student government in HS? Will you be someone who might potentially be an asset to the Uni)
You need to write something that shows them why you're a good choice. Highlight things like Scouts, community service, extra-curricular activities, church, hobbies and interested, travel, etc.
You need to show them that you'll be a good student, that you won't flunk out, that you're the kind of person who won't embarrass them if they have their name attached to you, and, most importantly, that you're not a serial killer.
Cheers
Scott
...some parts are the same.
Originally posted by Splinemodel
cheeky. I wrote about why the John Hancock building in Chicago is the best skyscraper ever made. . . caught 'em by surprise. I think they figured out that I was a miscreant who likes to argue and doesn't play by the rules, but hell, it worked out.
I would imagine that, depending upon the size of the school to which you applied, that essay got about 10 seconds of someone's time at most.
Cheers
Scott
Originally posted by billybobsky
aw. dont tell the poor lad the truth.
Hey, ten seconds of my time on a one-page essay tells me quite a lot.