Funny Jokes
here's a moderateley funny one:
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
Comments
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha,
I can see she's naked! What's that?... wait a minute, that's my neighbor in
there with her. He's naked as well!... that bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand ....."
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
A Misunderstanding occurred
The outcome was hilarious
Originally posted by Wrong Robot
Two Guys walk into a Pub
A Misunderstanding occurred
The outcome was hilarious
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
hahaha - I know it's stupid.
(That joke's for Kickaha.
Originally posted by mattjohndrow
who's there?
The interrupting cow
Originally posted by DMBand0026
The interrupting cow
the inter--MMOOOOOOOOO
Originally posted by Carol A
Here's a seventh-grade joke:
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
hahaha - I know it's stupid.
(That joke's for Kickaha.
I feel so *LOVED*!
A: "Look, there's elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did he say when he saw elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Originally posted by murbot
That really is an ultra terrible mean-spirited joke . . .long and tedious and went out of its way to make, what?: a blow-job joke with violent overtones? gimme a break . . . tell me why it is funny . . .
Originally posted by pfflam
. . . tell me why it is funny . . .
Because everybody knows that the English hate golf.
Originally posted by pfflam
That really is an ultra terrible mean-spirited joke . . .long and tedious and went out of its way to make, what?: a blow-job joke with violent overtones? gimme a break . . . tell me why it is funny . . .
becuase it just is. unless you want to kill your cheating wife. then i could see how its not funny.
Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
she's dead.
A dood runs into a bar and orders a double shot of tequila. Pounds it and orders another. The tender says, "whats the occassion?" Dood gulps the second down and replies, "my first blow job. gimme another." tender says, "good for you, young man, this one's on me." dood gulps and says, "keep em coming, i gotta get the taste of semen out of my mouth."
please do not read the following if you are of the jewish persuasion.
Sorry Edited Out
What do you think Bob Hope would be doing if he were alive right now?
probably scratching on the inside of his coffin.
the following joke can be construed as offensive toward black people. i have no hatred for blacks. if you are offended by this, please replace the word "black" with "person this joke'd be funny for," or stop skip this reply. Do you know how to save a black person from drowning?
[person replies, "no"] Good.
[alternate->] Take your foot off their head.
Hey, I'm not a racist, i got a color t.v.
again, i don't hate, i just like what can be considered offensive jokes. infact i am irish. whadaya call a gay irishman?
a gaylick. [obnoxiously get it? get it?]
Originally posted by pfflam
That really is an ultra terrible mean-spirited joke . . .long and tedious and went out of its way to make, what?: a blow-job joke with violent overtones? gimme a break . . . tell me why it is funny . . .
Seek help. Immediately... spare yourself no expense. Only the best shrink will do I suspect.
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."