Advice on getting over a breakup
Well it happened. Last weekend, after a ten month relationship, she's gone. If anything, it was my fault for taking her for granted and not committing fully.
Damn, I thought I could handle it better. Don't want to turn this into a Dear Abby, but it hurts. Other than drinking myself silly, I could use any advice on taking my mind off of her.
Damn, I thought I could handle it better. Don't want to turn this into a Dear Abby, but it hurts. Other than drinking myself silly, I could use any advice on taking my mind off of her.
Comments
It will help if you've got that nagging "maybe she was the right one" thing going on in your head, even though she clearly wasn't. Had it been the right girl, you wouldn't be having this situation currently (most likely). I'm not sure how old you are or anything else but when you find the person you want to stay with, you won't have any trouble realizing it, even if you can't verbalize it.
You'll be all right; you just need to prove to yourself you'll be all right and this is one good way to do it. Just don't hook up with someone who is a close friend of yours (or hers).
Try not to allow yourself to dwell on 'what went wrong?' too much. Don't beat yourself up over what you did not say or did not do. There would have been no point in trying to be someone or something that you are not in order to keep things going.
Keep going out with your friends, but avoid hooking up with someone you've just met as a rebound. The easiest way to get over someone is to meet someome else...but this can lead to a whole other load of problems and is more often than not the worst way to get 'closure.' (edit: I guess this is contrary to Moogs' advice, which I just saw, but in my personal experience it has only led to problems later. I dunno...I guess it depends on the situation. Perhaps the best advice is to tread carefully if you do this).
Let those of your friends that are supportive know that you appreciate their support. Secretly enjoy your female friends saying bitchy things about your ex while pretending that it doesn't help. Whatever you do, don't hook up with them.
Hope this helps...if only a little.
Sincerely,
Aunt Abby
Maybe hang out with some male friends for awhile. Keep busy so you don't mope around and dwell on your sorrows.
Ask yourself why it hurts. If you took her for granted, you must not have been all that crazy about her in the first place. So maybe it's best this way.
Originally posted by Moogs
when you find the person you want to stay with, you won't have any trouble realizing it, even if you can't verbalize it.
Moogs, I wish you'd been around to give me this advice when I was trying to decide whether to get married or not. I was SO uncertain about what to do. That uncertainty should have been my first clue, apparently. Right?
Breakups often leave one with a sense that you've lost a part of yourself. It's easy to dwell on how you were with her, what she brought to your life, and what a hole her absence leaves.
So it's important to make a conscious decision to remember who you are, what you love, and to know that the feelings you had in the relationship are yours and available to you at any time. She didn't take your capacity to love your life with her, that's yours and yours alone.
When you find yourself mulling over how things were, reel it back in.
Take stock of where you really are, what's really happening, and be in your own head in the here and now.
It's that or ending up in a van down by the river!
Originally posted by satchmo
Well it happened. Last weekend, after a ten month relationship, she's gone. If anything, it was my fault for taking her for granted and not committing fully.
Damn, I thought I could handle it better. Don't want to turn this into a Dear Abby, but it hurts. Other than drinking myself silly, I could use any advice on taking my mind off of her.
Kill her pets.
Originally posted by BR
Kill her pets.
If you're realllllly shaken up (i.e. you spend all day curled up on the floor crying), lots and lots and lots of Peter Gabriel's Us
Originally posted by BR
Kill her pets.
I know I shouldn't laugh at that, especially with this being a serious thread as it is, but....
Seriously though. Don't dwell. I know you can't just forget, but don't think about why it ended, just remember the good times. Anything else I can tell you is just cliché. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. If you were meant to be, it will all work out in the end.
You'll find someone else, just don't worry about it now. She probably wasn't good enough for you anyway.
Good luck with everything!
milk it
write poetry
Change your life drastically and dangerously
jump around and laugh maniacally
If you are anywhere near a desert, take a long road trip for a week or two by yourself . . . best thing ever . . . camp, and listen to Mingus's Mood Indigo over and over and over and over and cry (make sure its one of his longer loose versions)
oh yeah . . . and the rebound of mutually rebounding sort (meaning 'get under someone') really is the best too, you will remember it fondly for its healing and liberating powers for the rest of your life . . . and you can't do that sort of thing unless you are healing from something like a break up . . .
GO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS GOD DAMMIT! FORGET THE DUMB BITCH!
Originally posted by BR
I can't believe you people. Crank some system of a down and go out and do something fun. Don't wallow in misery. That's fvcktarded.
GO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS GOD DAMMIT! FORGET THE DUMB BITCH!
No, you clearly don't understand . . . its not misery, it is passion . . . and rarely will you get the chance to feel so powerfully terrible and yet at the same time sensitive to subtler emotional states that usually go under the radar . . and yet are really important . . .like compassion.
as Rilke said: feel the depths of your solitude, that's where your art is born
It is your chance to rid yourself of a lot of uselss habits, and emotional habits, that you never even realized are a waste of life . . . like AO for instance . ..
But then again . . . ten months might not be long enough to get that deep into it
They want to see self-confidence and independence (not cockiness - just not pathetic desperation).
I'd hesitate getting someone to "just screw". You might get callous and lonelier (because it's not as good as the girl that left) and get further from being your true self. That's just my opinion. I tend to go from one relationship to another with no real long intervals inbetween, they last for years and I never need to go on sprees with those women I can't stand to be with (but are nice to screw). Screwing only means you have more women leaving you more frequently. Myself, I like to be wanted - for keeps.
I just know too many guys that are stuck with wives they thought were going to be "one night stands" and then they get pregnant. My golden rule is don't screw 'em unless you can live with knocking them up. That excludes most bar trollops I've ever seen.
Above all, don't despair. Somehow each girl is better than the previous. That's how the love bug works for me anyway. Then again I make sane, patient choices in mates. I also don't drink much to speak of. 2 beers a month?
Originally posted by addabox
Reel your head and heart back in.
snip
ally happening, and be in your own head in the here and now.
It's that or ending up in a van down by the river!
Good heavens. I've just got some excellent advice off a stranger on the internet.
Originally posted by pfflam
No, you clearly don't understand . . . its not misery, it is passion . . . and rarely will you get the chance to feel so powerfully terrible and yet at the same time sensitive to subtler emotional states that usually go under the radar . . and yet are really important . . .like compassion.
Pfflam, you hit the nail on the head. Who would have thought I had such deep rooted emotions. For some reason, this time it really hit deep and hard.
BTW, Carol, there were signs, but I didn't see it happening that fast. And part of my cavalier attitude towards her was because I didn't think she was "the one". Nonetheless, I have learned a lot from this relatively short ten months. Mostly about myself and what I thought I wanted in a woman and what I really did.
Actually, all the feedback here has been helpful. Much appreciated...especially the humour. It does put things in perspective and while it isn't easy, I'm going to focus on the future and move on. Oddly enough, a buddy got dumped the same weekend. We're going out for drinks this weekend and try to put this behind us both.
low-fi
Originally posted by satchmo
Pfflam, you hit the nail on the head. Who would have thought I had such deep rooted emotions. For some reason, this time it really hit deep and hard.
BTW, Carol, there were signs, but I didn't see it happening that fast. And part of my cavalier attitude towards her was because I didn't think she was "the one". Nonetheless, I have learned a lot from this relatively short ten months. Mostly about myself and what I thought I wanted in a woman and what I really did.
Actually, all the feedback here has been helpful. Much appreciated...especially the humour. It does put things in perspective and while it isn't easy, I'm going to focus on the future and move on. Oddly enough, a buddy got dumped the same weekend. We're going out for drinks this weekend and try to put this behind us both.
is she the one?
Originally posted by burningwheel
is she the one?
Hell no she isn't.
My advice is to go skydiving or bungee jumping. Then go out to a concert with some friends. After that, try the race track or possibly a riverboat casino. After that pick the absolute worst movie you can find in your area and make your best friends go with you to see it. Hope for a sequel.
Make a list of the top ten things you never wanted to do, and go do them all in reverse order so you end up doing the worst thing last.
Get tipsy and find a mini-golf/go karting park nearby. Then go out after and get drunk. Paintball. Water ski. Skee-ball. Do them all, every other day.
Ultimately make sure you can do the dumbest things you can think of, and make sure they were the best things you've ever done. The more they sucked, the better they were.
EDIT: Start reading Playboy or Hustler in public places. When someone gets offended, tell them to **** off.