Inmate's suit claims O.J. Simpson is "hitman" for Steve Jobs

[AppleInsider]

A South Carolina inmate notorious for filing frivolous and fanciful lawsuits against public figures has used his latest complaint to accuse Apple chief executive Steve Jobs of employing O.J. Simpson as a "hitman" for the past two decades, in addition to a litany of other outlandish offenses.

Filed September 21 in the United States District Court Middle District of Florida, the 3-page handwritten complaint alleges that Simpson has been Jobs’s "hitman" since the "1985 MOVE house bombing in Philadelphia, which Jobs started with borrowed pyrotechnics from Great White."

The plaintiff is none other than 30 year old Jonathan Lee Riches, who in 2004 earned himself an 8-year sentence in a South Carolina corrections facility for his involvement in an identity theft ring. Over the past 18 months he has filed dozens of similar lawsuits accusing celebrities and organizations of wildly improbable offenses, presumably to help pass his time behind bars.*

Riches' latest rambling, which has since been dismissed, goes on to allege that "O.J. has been providing Jobs with food blenders since the midwest flood of 1993" and that O.J. also "paid Jobs to clone Dolly the sheep on April 20, 1998."*

As for his other roles in the legal escapade, Jobs is charged with aiming nuclear missiles at Riches' brain and Lance Armstrong's bicycle, as well as price gouging iPhone customers. "On May 10th, 2007, I bought an Apple iPhone for $922.01 at the FCI Williamsburg commissary," Riches wrote. "Now Jobs sells that same iPod for $199."

The remainder of the complaint continues in the same outlandish vein, with Princess Diana, the United Auto Workers, and Cinderella's Castle each making appearances, among others.

"A cursory review of the complaint is sufficient to establish that it is nothing more than fanciful nonsense," US District Judge Gregory Presnell wrote in his order for dismissal. "The whole thing reads like a cross between Billy Joel’s 'We Didn’t Start the Fire' and a Dr. Bronner’s soap label, if Dr. Bronner had been a first-year law student with untreated paranoid schizophrenia."

Judge Presnell went on to say that this was not Riches's first appearance before him, and pointed out that Riches even has his own Wikipedia entry chronicling some of the dozens of*similar suits he has filed in federal courts across the country.*

"Several weeks ago, he filed suit against Elvis Presley and Neverland Ranch for, inter alia, 'WAR CRIMES Rock N Rollin My Brain'," the Judge wrote.*

While it's unclear whether Riches' cockamamy pleadings are products of actual mental illness or simply a hobby akin to short story writing, all complaints filed with the US court system have to be processed, filed and dismissed.*

"Whatever their origin, and though they are amusing to the average reader, they do nothing more than clog the machinery of justice, interfering with the court’s ability to address the needs of the genuinely aggrieved," the Judge wrote. "It is time for them to stop."

Rather than impose sanctions on Riches, the Court will simply require that he pay the filing fee with any future complaints, which he has failed to do in the past. Should those requirement fail to dissuade him from further meritless filings, the Court plans to impose stiffer requirements or sanctions until he "finds another way to occupy his time."

For those interested, Riches's 3-page handwritten complaint can be seen in its entirety on the following page.

[ View this article at AppleInsider.com ]

[GQB]

A new low guys. Please stop it.
Was the idea to get an OJ reference onto a page to liven up the search engines?

[jonessodarally]

Originally Posted by GQB

A new low guys. Please stop it.
Was the idea to get an OJ reference onto a page to liven up the search engines?

I'm glad this was here. Pretty much made my day.

I always knew Steve was more of a badass than he was letting on.



..so is this story the reason the stocks are up $5 today?

[MacTel]

Originally Posted by GQB

A new low guys. Please stop it.
Was the idea to get an OJ reference onto a page to liven up the search engines?

Yeah, this is something that belongs on CNN or Fox.

[SpamSandwich]

You mean you guys are ignoring Amazon's MP3 Download service going live today (which actually works pretty well) for this crap?

Get serious.

[Buck]

"Whatever their origin, and though they are amusing to the average reader, they do nothing more than clog the machinery of justice, interfering with the court’s ability to address the needs of the genuinely aggrieved,"

Yeah, like those with the frivolous patent cases I guess...

[SpinDrift]

This is what you're tax payers money goes on is it? I bet you are all so proud!

[Matthew Yohe]

'God' responds to legislator's lawsuit
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/law/09/20/suing.god.ap

[trevorlsciact]

This is hilarious!!!!! It would be even funnier if it turned out to be true!

[freeny]

Originally Posted by SpinDrift

This is what you're tax payers money goes on is it? I bet you are all so proud!

Please explain how my tax dollars are involved..... ???

If you are referring that my tax dollars are to be spent prosecuting this indevidual so that he may be removed from the streets then I say money well spent.

[crees!]

Originally Posted by MacTel

Yeah, this is something that belongs on CNN or Fox.

Don't forget MSLSD.

[trevorlsciact]

Originally Posted by SpinDrift

This is what you're tax payers money goes on is it? I bet you are all so proud!

Yepp! Very proud!

[nagromme]

all u apple FANBOIS who shout and squeal o no! it cant be true! u gotta get real. this kind of **** happens all the time and your prescious steve-o is the worst of the whole bunch. maybe he had oj for his hitman maybe not but get the facts befor u drink up all the koolade. i bet this is true it would be just like crapple to pull this **** this is itunes scratchy screens all over again. then how funny is it when the ZUNE goes hitman on your pretty white ipodz!? where is your oj now? stop drinking the koolade and start drinking the OJ OF TRUTH!

[Ebby]

Quick! Someone give that man a blog STAT!

I kinda want to read what he will come up with next.

[VesperDEM]

Seriously, AI, is that the best you can do?

Must be a really slow news day to have to post this drivel! Sheesh!

[vinney57]

Originally Posted by nagromme

all u apple FANBOIS who shout and squeal o no! it cant be true! u gotta get real. this kind of **** happens all the time and your prescious steve-o is the worst of the whole bunch. maybe he had oj for his hitman maybe not but get the facts befor u drink up all the koolade. i bet this is true it would be just like crapple to pull this **** this is itunes scratchy screens all over again. then how funny is it when the ZUNE goes hitman on your pretty white ipodz!? where is your oj now? stop drinking the koolade and start drinking the OJ OF TRUTH!

Perfect, absolutely perfect.

[GQB]

Originally Posted by SpamSandwich

You mean you guys are ignoring Amazon's MP3 Download service going live today (which actually works pretty well) for this crap?

Get serious.

e.g.

http://www.wired.com/entertainment/m...9/drm_part_one

[TBaggins]

After reading this story, I'd have to say that AI is guilty of touching me inappropriately:







.

[Clive At Five]

Originally Posted by VesperDEM

Seriously, AI, is that the best you can do?

Must be a really slow news day to have to post this drivel! Sheesh!

You know, it's actually not a slow news day. Check www.macrumors.com, and www.thinksecret.com for news on Amazon's music download service, and a new gallery of Leopard shots, respectively.

AI, if I wanted to read this crap, I'd go to Crazy Apple Rumors Site.



Are you a professional rumor and news site or not?

-Clive

[Louzer]

Boy, you people sure are naive.

OJ Simpson is NOT Steve Jobs' hitman. He's just the decoy, to distract people from his real hitman.

Geesh, do I need to explain everything to you people!

[trevorlsciact]

Lighten up guys!!!!

don't any of you have a sense of humor!?!?!

[polvadis]

Originally Posted by Louzer

Boy, you people sure are naive.

OJ Simpson is NOT Steve Jobs' hitman. He's just the decoy, to distract people from his real hitman.

Geesh, do I need to explain everything to you people!

I agree. O.J. is way too famous for his murders, I mean alleged murders, to be anyones hit man. He can't even stop by an old friends' apartment to pick up some of his old stuff without being recognized and whisked off to jail "just in case".

If Steve wanted somebody dead he'd do it himself. That's why he always wears black turtlenecks. Ninja style.

[TBaggins]

Originally Posted by trevorlsciact

don't any of you have a sense of humor!?!?!

We do. That's the problem.

.

[Kasper]

Originally Posted by Clive At Five

AI, if I wanted to read this crap, I'd go to Crazy Apple Rumors Site.



Are you a professional rumor and news site or not?

-Clive

I'm sorry that so many of you are disappointed in my editorial decision to run a story on the lighter side of things. I found it funny and thought it might brighten some other peoples' day. I can guarantee you one thing -- it's just one story out of thousands we will post.

In our defense, I have to say that the subject matter was made quite clear in the leader of the article, which is published on the main page and in our RSS feed. It clearly states that the article covers a frivolous suit filed by a convicted criminal. We're not trying to force this report down anyones throat, but simply published it for those of us who need a laugh here and there. We're not forcing anyone to click through and read it. Like with every other article we publish, it's your choice to do so.

Nevertheless, I appreciate and respect all your feedback.

Thanks,

K

[Walter Slocombe]

The thing is, IT'S ALL TRUE!

OJ took out Kurt Cobaine I mean that was SUCH a cover up, but all you Apple headz were so wrapped up in the state apple was in you just missed it!!

Cobaine would never have signed to iTunes so Steve had to get OJ to take him out!

I won't go into detail about how Steve knew, just let me say that Leopard has a major new feature called TIME MACHINE..... and I'll leave it at that.

Jeez you guys think you know why Woz left.. how NAIEVE can you be

--

Seriously though some of you need to get your humor glands overhauled, and the MP3 Amazon thing, can't you just see the responses to that story in the vein of "SO?" and "how is this Apple news?" or am I too jaded from knowing about this OJ/Steve conspiracy for faar too long?

[trevorlsciact]

Originally Posted by Kasper

Nevertheless, I appreciate and respect all your feedback.

suuuuuure you do. not your fault some people have a... ah, maybe I shouldn't finish that sentence.

[GQB]

Originally Posted by trevorlsciact

Lighten up guys!!!!

don't any of you have a sense of humor!?!?!

For what its worth, its not about the walking piece of crap himself, but about the fact that the case marked the defining point at which MSM/news stopped fulfilling its constitutional right and obligation to inform the public, and started 'news as celebutard profit center'.

Seeing a forum that we look to for relevant information waste bits on this is just sad.

[artman1033]

Keep in mind when you go about unlocking your iphone, Steve has people to deal with you.....

[ecking]

I firmly believe every last word that had come out that man's mouth. I feared those very same things to be true for a long time...

[a_greer]

OK...this has to be fake...some AI contributor with a little legal knoledge drew these up to drive traffic... there isn't a lawyer in the country that wouldn't nearly faint of laughter hearing what is in that claim! I mean the source isnt exactly credible!

this isnt the onion, but man did I laugh...

[JeffDM]

Originally Posted by Louzer

Boy, you people sure are naive.

OJ Simpson is NOT Steve Jobs' hitman. He's just the decoy, to distract people from his real hitman.

Geesh, do I need to explain everything to you people!

I think he'd have to have talent to be a hitman. Hiring a good lawyer to coach you isn't talent.

[Kasper]

Originally Posted by a_greer

OK...this has to be fake...some AI contributor with a little legal knoledge drew these up to drive traffic... there isn't a lawyer in the country that wouldn't nearly faint of laughter hearing what is in that claim! I mean the source isnt exactly credible!

this isnt the onion, but man did I laugh...

I called the court. The clerk confirmed it. It's not made up. Anyone can "file" a suit.

Best,

K

[dontlookleft]

this post made me

looool.

[DionRodrigues]

HAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA-HAAAA! Wow! I never thought it could get any stupider! The OJ case was already stupid enough, but MAAAAAN this was just over the top.

Congrats to this guy, he just created the FUNNIEST part of the OJ case ever.

/end jokes - Friggin noob.

[Centris650]

Great. Thanks to this crazy Steve will NEVER put an Apple Store here in SC! Great. Thanks man. I appreciate it.

So, when will we get an Apple Store here? Maybe we can borrow one from Georgia?

[Ronbo]

Originally Posted by TBaggins

After reading this story, I'd have to say that AI is guilty of touching me inappropriately

, , , , and

[ROFF]

Kasper, check your Pram battery. Today is not April 1st.

[JeffDM]

Originally Posted by ROFF

Kasper, check your Pram battery. Today is not April 1st.

Look a few posts up. Kasper claims to have independently confirmed it with a court clerk.

[macFanDave]

Y'know, I always wondered how Apple went from being "beleaguered" and almost bankrupt to being a Wall Street darling and one of the best companies in the tech business (probably the best).

It had to be OJ!

He probably killed the real Paul Thurrott, Rob Enderle, John Dvorak and all the critics that were flinging FUD at Apple and they were replaced with wussy-borgs. Just look how limp their spew against Apple has become.

I'm just wondering if this guy is going to be the campaign manager for Lyndon LaRouche in '08.

[BenRoethig]

I've heard some insane conspiracy theories in my day, but this is something so out there that I don't think Michael Moore would touch it.