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The neverending story. - Page 2

post #41 of 121
---(I knew this would happen!)---
post #42 of 121
...Cupertino! We need to warn Steve that Microsoft is attacking with giant sushi blimps!"
post #43 of 121
But did anyone know how far Cupertino was from the reality distortion field were in? Would Steve be there to hear our terrible story?

But before there was time to ask these questions, BOOM, the umbrella smashed into the blimp, in the nick of time, Humbert and our hero fired off in the air-runner, but there was no time to set the co-ordinates, off they shot in the direction of...
post #44 of 121
...the moon. "Aaah, you bloody idiot, now you've done it!", our one-armed hero shouted. Suddenly...
post #45 of 121
[quote]Originally posted by MacAgent:
<strong>...the moon. "Aaah, you bloody idiot, now you've done it!", our one-armed hero shouted. Suddenly...</strong><hr></blockquote>

..his boxers began to chafe his scrotum like hell, as he reached to down have a good scratch...
post #46 of 121
and saw the reason for his discomfort, the string of his boxers was caught in the reality distortion field, 100 thousand miles away. Worse still the Monkeygirl and the agent were attached to the end of it and tugging hard. Any moment now, something was gonna give. Would it be monkey girls deathly grip, or the rapidly expanding string, or could it even be our one-armed hero's balls. How would steve react to a one-armed hero with one ball, if they ever managed to find him?...
post #47 of 121
Unfortunately, our hero didn't have time to worry about his balls as the moon was mere seconds away!

Humbert quickly got to work pressing buttons and pulling levers on the air-runner's tiny control panel. Sirens wailed, lights flashed, and smoked began streaming out from behind the overworked controls.

"I cann'ae keep 'ah tagaether! She'll fly apaht!!"

As the other man was trying desperately to pinpoint Hubert's accent, he realized...
post #48 of 121
...that the moon was not actually there, and was just an illusion of the RDF! The air-runner was falling apart because they were nearing the edge of the RDF and about to break out. "Try pushing the...

[ 12-31-2001: Message edited by: MacAgent ]</p>
post #49 of 121
Envelope!
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post #50 of 121
[quote]Originally posted by Mac The Fork:
<strong>Envelope!</strong><hr></blockquote>

--Disregarding stupid end of sentance post!--

vector permute controller." said our hero

"Hey, Dont tell me how to fly my ship" replied Humbert

Our hero leaned across Humbert forcefully, and thrust towards the button, but unfortunately forgot he had just lost an arm, in a flash, he stumbled and the sudden shift of balance sent the airrunners gyroscopic stabilising mechanism into a violent spin, creating a giant force of turbulent anti-gravity throughout the whole RDF region, suddenly everything appeared tranquil and calm, as if a great...
post #51 of 121
...pantomime horse had blessed the land beneath them.

Yet, all was not as it seemed. With a great rumble and a flash of brilliant light, the Dell flagship, the SS Copycat, warped into the RDF. Peering through the massive Windows on the starboard side was none other than...
post #52 of 121
...the highly unexpected Michael Dell, buck naked. Luckily, the back of someone's head was obscuring Humbert's view of Dell's "hot item". 'Twas the only thing aboard the SS Copycat that could be described as such, jokingly or otherwise.

"For Christ's sake, if only we had pushed the god damned envelope instead of mucking about with the vector permute, none of this would have happened!" Humbert yelled, putting a snide Englishman's eye out with the air-runner's superfluous, ridiculously long trombone slide. Dell waved through the Windows as he readied his ship's heat seeking missiles to fire.

"We're going to reach the RDF boundary Real Soon Now... that is, if our ship doesn't fall apart or get destroyed by the SS Copycat's heat seeking missiles first..." our hero reassured Humbert. A loud noise somehow rang through the vacuum of the RDF. The SS Copycat had launched its first heat-seeking missile.

Suddenly, the SS Copycat suffered a general protection fault in USER.EXE, bringing the shields down. The heat-seeking missiles reversed course and spiralled away from the air-runner's white-hot engines towards a Pentium 4 processor in Dell's Low-Performance Simulation Centre of Questionable Merit. Dell tried to disentangle himself from his lover in desperation, moving to spread FUD, but it was too late...
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post #53 of 121
... he feared.

The missiles smashed through the Windows surrounding the Centre of Questionable Merit and lodged themselves into the cubic-meter heatsink above the core.

Meanwhile, Humbert had finally regained control of the disintegrating air-runner. "Lock on torpedos, Mr. Worf," he shouted over his shoulder, "and prepare a full spread, delta pattern."

Our hero furiously looked back and forth hoping to see some kind of weapons controls but could only find a surplus of old Apple hardware in a tattered cardboard box behind his seat. "Uhh... what torpedos?" he stammered.

"Just get ready to throw those PowerBook 5300 batteries at 'em as we pass by!"

Back on the SS Copycat, Michael Dell had passed out in fear of his coming demise. Blood was spouting profusely from his head for he had fallen right into the edge of his Dell DimensionÂ*Desktop when he fainted. Little Steve got up off his knees and ran off in tears to kiss his red and green elf tights goodbye. Fortunately for these two, though, the missiles were just as reliable as the rest of Dell's products; the detenators were never activated!!

The air-runner turned and banked at wildly sharp angles. Going in for the kill, our hero...

[ 01-01-2002: Message edited by: starfleetX ]</p>
post #54 of 121
...sneezed and lost his balance...
post #55 of 121
... "Damn, I knew I should have taken my synus medication! No matter, we'll let 'em live... This time."

And with that, Humbert activate the AirRunner's light drive and they accelerated towards Cupertino. ...
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post #56 of 121
Unfortunately, Cupertino had been overrun by hyper mutant radioactive monkeys, so they turned around and headed to...
*Registered March 1, 1999*
Member #14
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*Registered March 1, 1999*
Member #14
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post #57 of 121
...the nearest Regal Cinema, because damnit they were dog-tired and frankly knew that nothing could hope to penetrate the pre-MWSF RDF, anyway. Especially since it emminates from Cupertino.

Upon arriving at the theatre, our hero walked up to the window, eyed the perky-nippled, 16 year old register attendant and proclaimed:

[ 01-03-2002: Message edited by: Moogs ]</p>
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post #58 of 121
... "Fembots!"

...
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post #59 of 121
"Fembots?" the young woman said..."we don't have any film called 'Fembots' playing here. Now do you want to come back here and see my perky breasts or not?!"

Stunned, our hero paused and then asked
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Aldo is watching....
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post #60 of 121
"Am I dreaming?"
post #61 of 121
And to that the young woman asked, " Why don't you pinch me and find out?"

Hearing that our hero reached over and pinched her...
post #62 of 121
...and her blouse fell to the floor revealing what Humbert had feared most of all:
post #63 of 121
...That she had a tattoo of KD Lang on her left bicep which was...
post #64 of 121
..so badly drawn that it actually looked like...
post #65 of 121
A cloned pig suffering from hemorrhoids. But still...the perky breasts were tantalizing. Suddenly though, he realized that unlike the tattoo, he was NOT a pig and so...
Aldo is watching....
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Aldo is watching....
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post #66 of 121
...he...
post #67 of 121
said "two tickets for Lord of the Rings, and make it perk...er...snappy!" The young wench took his money, pulled her cover back on and handed him the tickets. Suddenly...
Aldo is watching....
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Aldo is watching....
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post #68 of 121
... a telephone rang in Perky's office (or shack, or whatever). She picked up the receiver. It was none other than ...
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post #69 of 121
Steve Jobs.

"Hello. I'm Steve Jobs." He said. "I have a lot of things to tell you today, so let's get started."

[ 01-04-2002: Message edited by: CosmoNut ]</p>
Living life in glorious 4G HD (with a 2GB data cap).
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post #70 of 121
"Steve Jobs!" the girl exclaimed. "The Steve Jobs??!!"

And as soon as that sweet little voice crossed our hero's ears, he felt himself lurch forward, stumbling over Humbert as the theater rippled in distorted warps as a newly-formed RDF began emminating from the ticket booth.

"Noooooo!!" he screamed. He started to run behind the booth to grab the phone, but he felt trapped, running in slow-motion, moving excruciatingly slower and slower as he tried to reach for the receiver.

It was too late.

Suddenly, time sped back up to normal and our hero fell to the floor with a loud thump. He looked up to gather himself, but he realized that the theater was no more. He saw...

[edit: spelling]

[ 01-04-2002: Message edited by: starfleetX ]</p>
post #71 of 121
Bill Gates standing over him, a Microsoft Axe raised over his head...
post #72 of 121
Luckily the MS Axe went blue and froze in mid-air...
post #73 of 121
...and our hero realized it was just a holograph. So he ran through the...
post #74 of 121
... worm hole which opened up beside him and landed on top of...
post #75 of 121
...a car. He grabbed his crotch and screamed as the windows exploded...



[ 01-06-2002: Message edited by: starfleetX ]</p>
post #76 of 121
... "Yeeehah! Damn I love those wormholes!" ...
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post #77 of 121
...and then looked down, trying once again to figure out where the heck he was.

Our hero first noticed that his new companion hadn't made it through the wormhole in time. Humbert's head and upper torso layed in a bloody smear behind the car.

He glanced around and found himself in an alien landscape. The sky glowed a deep haze of purple over the craggy line of mountains encircling him on every side. The air was dry and the dirt beneath him cracked and crumbled with each step.

"Wonderful," he thought, rolling his eyes, "I've always wanted to retire to a quiet, secluded locale."

With that, our hero set out in search of shelter and food and water. The beat-up Pinto behind him was of little use to him now that he shattered all the windows. He walked for what felt like days on end but saw nothing but an endless dessert before him. Sufferring incredible pain from his thirst and hunger, our hero collapsed to his knees...

[ 01-06-2002: Message edited by: starfleetX ]</p>
post #78 of 121
And a huge hole opened up, and our hero fell thousands of miles into the core of the planet and smashed into a concrete floor at over 300mph. At such velocity, he travelled twenty feet into solid concrete before the RDF shield around him bounced him back up at the force of 30g's into outer space, rocketing into the orbit of the planet...
*Registered March 1, 1999*
Member #14
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*Registered March 1, 1999*
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post #79 of 121
...where he saw the strangest thing he had ever seen in his life (okay... second strangest, after that tattoo): a guy in a bubble with a lizard in his pocked entrapped in a frozen soap bubble... <img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />

(Ed: Anyone an Infocom fan?)
post #80 of 121
...confused, he thought to himself "Why is my life beginning to resemble a Hunter S. Thompson acid trip?" Then suddenly, he remembered: that pasty thing he found while hanging out on the Sargasso Sea did taste a lot like blotter paper...
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