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The Satire Thread (ala The Onion)

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 
(write your own satirical story...just for fun)


EU decides to raise taxes to 100%

(AP)---somewhere in Europe

The EU today made an historic decision: Raise the individual income tax rate to 100% of total income for all workers.

In a move that many nations called "inevitable", given Europe's already high tax rates, the EU will create a new economic system. While still electing its leaders, the EU will now "bridge the problematic gap between democracy and total communism", according to a high ranking official.

Details of the plan are still sparse, but sources say all EU nations will collect 100% of their worker's annual incomes through payroll deduction. In exchange, the government will order that all goods and services be free. "This bold new experiment will lead us into a new era", said a combined statement from the EU's leaders.

When asked about the global economic impact of such a plan, namely "the total destruction and abandonment of a system proven effective for the last 100 years or more", EU spokesmen Bedrich Smetna, Jr responded with this statement:

"We know it is a bit controversial to risk a global ecomomic meltdown for the sake of expermimentation, but we thought we should try something new.....you know what they say.....nothing verntured, nothing gained!"
I can only please one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  
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I can only please one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  
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post #2 of 4
Here is an interesting article from the Onions :

US decide to nuke all the terrorists countries.

It's time for US to remove the terrorism all over the world. In the first stage Us decide to nuke afghanistan , According to the personal private agent of the american president, code name sidewinder, they expect that this strike have removed from earth nearly 1000 terrorist from the planet. " we have done a great job" he said " we have remove a great numbers of terrorist, the number of casualties can seems important, but know we are sure that there isn't anymore afhganistan's terrorist, because there is no more afghanistan people in live. USA have to show his power to the rest of the earth".
this is the only first step of the new foreign US policy, according to this special agent, the next target are on the way. As someone ask the agent how he can remove all the terrorism from earth assuming that there is terrorist everywhere he said " we will nuke every country where there is terrorist". Even in the Us asked our reporter " i have said we will nuke terrorist all over the planet, there will be no exception". As the discussion was ended, the agent recieve his neuroleptic injection and return in his cell.

From our special reporter, in National psychiatric hospital, washigton DC.

[ 05-09-2002: Message edited by: powerdoc ]

[ 05-09-2002: Message edited by: powerdoc ]</p>
post #3 of 4
[quote]USA to introduce democracy into their political system.

RB---Washington DC

In a bold speech today president George W. Bush announced that for he will work to modernize the political system in US, so it will resemble democracy more than it does today. "The problem, as I see it, is that our model is a "the winner takes it all" system, making it impossible for small parties to have a real influence comparable to their real support in the population". The president hope to be able to let the election to both houses be based on a parliarmental system comparable to those of most countries in continental europe. Also the next president is to be elected on a more democratic basis. It is seen by experts as a bold move by someone who would have lost the last election if the majority of people had been the deciding factor.

Ralph Nader, former presidental candidate, says he is "positive surprised" by this new stand by the president.

United States of America is to change its name in ten years to UPA, United Peoples of America as a symbol of this more democratic political system.

The markets reacted very negative to George W. Bush speech beacuse they see it as a restriction on their political power. As one lobbyist in Washington said it: "When we just had to give money to two parties to have the government do what we want them to it was easy. Now everything is going to be very difficult for us. I´m quitting"
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"I reject your reality and substitute it with my own" - President Bush
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"I reject your reality and substitute it with my own" - President Bush
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post #4 of 4
Will try to come up with something more original later. In the meantime...

[quote] From BBspot:

Overclocked Jesus Performs Miracles Faster
By Brian Briggs

Chicago, IL - A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz.

"We were just sitting around the other day and Goran says 'Hey, don't you have a spare Jesus around here? Let's see if we can overclock him'," said Gafney, "So we got out the Jesus and cranked up the clock. He started sweating pretty profusely at about 2.5 GHz so we went out and got the hose and started spraying him down."

The boys then fitted Jesus with some spare heatsinks they had and tried for the Jesus overclocking record. "When we got him up to about 3.75 GHz that was when we started having some problems like that hole in Tommy's abdomen and the sudden change of seasons," said Radovich. "After that we clocked him down and he was stable most of the time at 3.69 GHz."

"We had all the bread and fish and wine that we ever needed," continued Radovich, "and we both had straight A's so we took him down to the hospital to do some more miracles there. We turned him on and his arms were flying around and deaf people could hear, the crippled could walk. Of course, a couple of times he got going too fast and a couple of blind guys got an extra eye."

Donna Samson was one of the cured, "Jesus came walking down the hall and he looked like he had drank about 10 cups of coffee. He laid his hands on me and said my cancer was cured. It was and as a bonus I got this extra leg too!"

The young men explained that they expect to get Jesus saving people even faster when they figure out how to safely immerse him in liquid nitrogen. Gafney and Radovich broke the previous record of 3.43 GHz set by a group in Norway last month.
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I was promised flying cars. Where are the flying cars?
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I was promised flying cars. Where are the flying cars?
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