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My relationship is over...

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
So I've been with my girlfriend for about two and a half years so far, things have been great, and we've never felt better. We've had some petty arguments recently about getting me to help out around the house more, but pretty typical stuff. She has had anxiety over whether or not she wanted to stay with me in two years when I become a full time Second Lieutenant in the Marines, but that is a ways off.

So she went home to stay with her folks for two weeks, got back this past Saturday, and on Monday she says she wants to leave the relationship, be by herself in her own place, and just be independent.

This came out of left field mind you. Granted, we have some problems, but they're really just her wanting me to help out more around the apartment, and trying to get out and do things together more... like go to plays or something. And when we argue about things, it usually results in us not talking to each other for a bit, but these aren't relationship breaking issues.

Apparently they are. She says I should have seen it coming, but she never once expressed concern over the current state of our relationship. She spoke with my therapist today, and once they were done, he said I wasn't going to win this one.

I don't even know why I'm posting this... other than it's going on midnight, I'm still upset, and nobody else is awake

It would have been different had I really seen it coming, but literally, Monday morning she hits me with it, refuses to discuss it any further, and just says this is what she has to do. She has been in a hotel since then, that her parents are paying for... she comes from a rich family, and I don't. *sigh*

I'm not taking this well...
post #2 of 41
I hear you bro... You can always turn to the mac nuts. <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
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post #3 of 41
Sorry to hear about that. Sounds pretty bad. Hopefully she'll come back to you. You can always come to AI to bitch about things
post #4 of 41
Sorry to hear that. It's tough, and I know how it feels. Keep your head up, Devil Dog. It's never as bad as it seems.

Semper fi
post #5 of 41
Thread Starter 
I've been through worse... it's just I really liked this one, and I hadn't foreseen anything of this nature.

Essentially, she is saying she needs to be by herself to think about her life and where she wants to go. I'm imagining this is the sort of thing someone would go through in high school, but she has lived such a terribly sheltered life I'm not surprised by this in retrospect.

The bigger problem is that I think talking to her about the Marines over the past few months is what did it. She is confused over thinking two years in advance about marrying me to stay with me, or leaving me and letting me go into the service. However, she says that if I chose to stay with her instead of going into the service, she doesn't want me to make any sacrifices for her. The idea of sacrificing anything for a relationship is completely foreign to her, and she pretty much said she wouldn't sacrifice any of her opportunities for us...

So now I'm a little confused about just what she thinks a relationship is.. because part of being with that person for so long is making a sacrifice. The more I talk about it, the more I begin to feel better about getting out of this relationship. I had no idea to what extent this apparent fantasy world of hers went.

But maybe I'm just not interpreting it right. Either way, this is going to be costing me a lot of money to separate from her, and she basically suggested that maybe in three months we could re-visit the relationship, and upon hearing that I was insulted.

Being single again is going to suck though... I really thought this relationship was going to stick....
post #6 of 41
My sympathies I send to you. All I can say is, wait three days or so, and then call her to talk. Time has a strange way of changing people's feelings. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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post #7 of 41
Well, it's seams that the problem is coming from her rather than from you (from what you say). She seems to be in great trouble and panic : she has a choice in front of her, and she is not ready to make it : she fly away.

If you really love her, and if she is able to make the peace in his head perhaps a common future is possible.
If she has discover that the life you propose to her, is not the life she want, it's better that the story end now.
That's life and it's hurt : my best wishes are with you.
post #8 of 41
It sounds like she just doesn't want you to go into the military. Let's face it- the military isn't exactly the best place to be right now. A guy that works with me was in the USAF for years dealing with computers, etc. and he was in Korea for a long time.

If you plan on making the military your career, it's not exactly the best life for a family. While it's total BS that she won't talk to you about it, if she's getting upset whenever you talk about spending 2 years in the marines, she probably thinks that means that you'll end up fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, or wherever.

If you want to be with her, keep making the effort to talk it out. If she still refuses, I don't know know what to tell you. Good luck.
post #9 of 41
Sorry to hear that, M3D Jack. But I think you're right about it being for the better. A relationship only works if two people can love in the same way, and it sounds like your ex has a different idea of what she wants than what you do. These are things she probably just needs to work out on her own. Just take care of yourself and keep your chin up. And I hear you about the finances, too...Boston ain't exactly easy to live in on one income...

[ 06-06-2002: Message edited by: jesperas ]</p>
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post #10 of 41
Very sorry to hear that, M3D Jack, but having been there, let me tell you that life does go on.

I know hearing this is not much comfort in your present situation, and two and a half years is quite a long time, but I am sure the few/many(?) of us here who this also has happened to will agree.

From what you are saying, I feel that her parents must have leant on her. Sometimes it's a girl friend, sometimes it's the parents. Difficult to fight that, as I found out myself a few years ago, when it was the parents and a girl friend (just what did they have against me?).

Try not to let it get you down too much, and

good luck and chin up

- T. (lonely) I.
post #11 of 41
[quote]and just says this is what she has to do. She has been in a hotel since then, that her parents are paying for... she comes from a rich family, <hr></blockquote>

There's the issue right there. Sounds like she never has had to struggle in life. I've known plenty of affluent young Women growing up that cracked when the going got tough. She's getting cold feet about something. It could be the Military life or something else. Trust me it's NOT about you not picking up around the house. If that was the case neither of us would have a Woman. Take it easy...you have to get the Truth out of her. She told her Parents the truth but she's having a hard time confessing to you for obvious reasons...feelings are strong.

You may have to decide what's worth more to you. Her comments about not sacrificing her apirations for your relationship speak volumes. It means she's, perhaps, overly ambitious and the thought of being "just" a Military Wife might not appeal to her.

Don't give up! Nothing good comes without hard work! If she's "The One" then you must put priorities in order.

Keep talking M3D...it really helps. Many of us have been through this before.
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post #12 of 41
What are you going to be doing in the Corps?
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post #13 of 41
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by gobble gobble:
<strong>What are you going to be doing in the Corps?</strong><hr></blockquote>

I've been looking into the intelligence field a lot. Myself and my Officer Selection Officer have been in touch with some people in the Force Reconaissance batallion, and I'm trying to let it be known ahead of time that Force Recon is what I want to do. Once I go through the Marine Corps Basic School in Quantico, they can't promise me the job I want, but I have a better chance at getting it if I starting talking to these people now.

But I may not even be accepted into OCS next summer, so it's all pretty questionable.
post #14 of 41
Thread Starter 
And thanks everyone for replying. I wasn't sure how this would roll over, and it makes me smile to see you guys do this

She came back to the apartment early this morning to get something, and accidentally woke me up. We sat down and talked again briefly. I really don't think it is her parent's doing anymore that caused this decision. It was a combination of her not feeling good about the relationship... I mean, not helping around the apartment more is a minor thing, but the love sort of changed over the past twelve months, and that combined with her completely freaking out over me making future plans with my life... something she has never been comfortable with. we had an argument this past weekend, and that is apparently what tripped all these emotions from her when she said all of this on Monday. If it wasn't Monday that this happened, it was inevitable because she wasn't communicating her problems to me properly, and she wasn't going to.

I have.... well, had... so much with her over the past couple of years that I don't want to let go of that, but my best friend Sean and I have been talking over the past couple of days, and he thinks I should forget about her and move on. Mainly because she is a high maintenance person... but moreso because she has hurt me like this before. about 18 months ago she cheated on me... she was teaching at this summer camp for kids, and basically let herself be taken advantage of by the person that hired her. He got her shirt off, and they slept together, but insists that was all that happened, and that there was no sex.

Took me six months to get over that, and she beggd for my forgiveness the whole time... and we were living together for four of those six months. You know, talking about this here makes this sound pretty screwed up...

But we talked again today, and she said she just wants to take a month alone, and doesn't want to move back in together for a long time if we do start seeing each other again in a month... which she said she would probably like to do, but didn't want to make any promises. After reading what I've said, if I was someone else reading it, I would wonder wtf my problem was and why I was even still with her.

I guess ultimately it took me a long time to find her, and we got along great together, and I felt so incredibly good with her. I'm not ready to go looking for someone like that again. I want that sort of companionship, but I don't really like just dating... *sigh*

But now I know that we could get back together, and I at least have a contingency plan if this whole being single thing gets to me. I'm going to try and force myself to go see some other people while waiting on her, I don't want to rely on her... and ultimately I'm going to be terrified that this happens again. God I'm a mess these days.

So I've got to go find a new place to live today, even through I have this current place until the end of the month, I want to firm in my moving plans sooner rather than later. Don't suppose anyone in Boston is looking for a place? I'm in a great building in the Fenway, central air and heating, two bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, large living room, and it's a steal at a whopping $1050/mo.! (Total per months is $2100, split would be $1050) God, I don't know what is more depressing... breaking up, or thinking about rent in this damn city.
post #15 of 41
[quote]Originally posted by M3D Jack:
<strong>Mainly because she is a high maintenance person... </strong><hr></blockquote>The worst kind <img src="graemlins/oyvey.gif" border="0" alt="[No]" />

High maintance = Selfishness

Forget her. The sea is full of fish, whatever that means . . .

- T.I.
post #16 of 41
Hey, at least she told you now instead of burning off another two years of your life before letting you know.
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post #17 of 41
You realize, of course, that you aren't reading all this from an objective source. You are quite obviously minimizing issues and maximizing hers. That is natural, though, because you are hurt.

Not helping around the house and her feeling that you don't do enough stuff together is definitely not weird or small. In a relationship, there is no such thing as a small or unimportant thing. To you, they aren't, but to her they are and if you can't see that then you might have a bigger part in this than you're letting on.

I'm guilty of the second part in my 3-year relationship, definitely, most guys are. I'm very good around the house, though, my slovenly mother influenced me to be clean and tidy.

She obviously isn't that bad, you were with her for 2 and a half years after all...

Cheating is bad, though, I would've dropped her on the spot for that alone, but since you decided to move forward knowing that you can't really bring that up as an excuse.

[ 06-06-2002: Message edited by: groverat ]</p>
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post #18 of 41
Jack, sorry to hear about what's been happening of late with your GF. Check your email when you get a chance....
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post #19 of 41
Well, to say the least, I'm sorry you are having trouble up in Boston... but you also have to be glad (like rouge27 said) that this happened now rather then later... Imagine 2 years from now you guys are having fights everyday over stupid things, not talking to eachother, just living with eachother because it is convienent... wouldnt that be much worse? Keep your chin up and eyes open, you never know whats going to happen Good luck with the rent situation... <img src="graemlins/hmmm.gif" border="0" alt="[Hmmm]" />

-Paul
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post #20 of 41
Jack,

Rediscover the Bachelor in yourself. You have your best friend. Experience the town. Rethink your goals and desires now that you're "technically" single. This is a life changing event. You are now forced to envision life without your GF. It's scary at first but it's also liberating.

Who you Marry...will determine just how happy the rest of your life is. It's not a decision to take lightly. As good as this Woman is...imagine meeting someone who you think about every waking moment. Someone who compliments and (groan) completes you.

You mate is either an asset or a detriment to your future. Choose wisely.
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post #21 of 41
You all are going "Dawson's Creek" on the forum here.
post #22 of 41
Nothing hurts more than being cheated on.... except being cheated on and then left for that person.

sounds like she would'a left sooner or later. Her being high maintanance and from a rich family and you planning on the Marines says it all . . . .she wants a Volvo driving man, who works either in Education or with Finance and rakes it in yet stays sensative with a bootle of olive oil filled with twigs of oregano . . . not that she thinks she is better than you . . . no but realistically thinking high maintenance and the Marines do not mix . . . Though everybody knows that what you'll learn in the Marines, discipline, hard work, focus, will lead to easeir time adapting to a high level of work . . it isn't readily apparent to those who don't think that way. anyway.... I'm probably way off base but that's some of what I thought when I read your post.


As far as dealing with it.... I know from many experiences (welll, one in particular) that th epain that follows lasts along time and if you try and deny it and be all 'manley' then you will be doing yourself a disfavor. Rather, you should use the time to reflect on subtle issues of the human experience... and read literature and engage in profound artworks: music, film, museums etc.... explore the depths baby

[ 06-06-2002: Message edited by: pfflam ]</p>
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post #23 of 41
[quote]Originally posted by scott_h_phd:
<strong>You all are going "Dawson's Creek" on the forum here.</strong><hr></blockquote>And there is surely nothing wrong with that.

We are (almost) all mature people here . . .

- T.I.
post #24 of 41
Mate, basically, you should try to move on as soon as possible. Having a few one night stands may not be bad for your ego and you will once again discover the benefits of being single. That way you can relax and focus on that until you meet the next girl, and there are plenty of fish, that you connect with. Maybe that time around you´ll think of these things that have now ended this relationship and they won´t happen to you again then.

Of course you feel crap now but try not to dwell on it too much and learn from your mistakes.

See, the reason why breaking up scares us all so much is that we´re all affraid that this was "the one". In my opinion, there is no such a thing as "the one". It´s more like "the few". But those few are plenty to make sure that you´ll always find someone like you and that you connect with. Try not too fret, it´s not going to make you feel better and it won´t help. Show her that you´re moving on, accept her decision and if she does want you back I would advise you to at least tell her no the first time she gives it a go. If she is really eager she´ll come back to try again.

Just don´t count on it. Accept this as being over and move to the next. It´ll boost your ego and it´ll show you that it´s all not so hopeless as it may now seem.

I´m also repeating myself so I´ll leave you alone now to ponder over this.

Good luck
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post #25 of 41
Women! Waddya gonna do? Sounds like you need to tie one on, Jack. Uh, I was wondering - is it okay with you if I date your ex?

Sorry if you didn't find that funny. I could try and give you advice but you'd have to be one seriously hurt puppy to be willing to take advice from someone who calls himself spaceman_spiff. Besides, when it comes to the fairer sex, I'm pretty sure I don't know anything anyway.

For what it's worth - good luck. Boston is actually a pretty good town to be single in.

[ 06-07-2002: Message edited by: spaceman_spiff ]</p>
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post #26 of 41
[quote]Originally posted by pfflam:
<strong>Rather, you should use the time to reflect on subtle issues of the human experience... and read literature and engage in profound artworks: music, film, museums etc.... explore the depths baby </strong><hr></blockquote>

^ very great advice, imo!

As far as my own boat [which i'm sure is FAR different from what most would do.....] :::

I isolated myself from the person, & a lot of my friends. Spent 6 months really just randomly talking to friends, but mostly kept it to myself. Studied a lot more into music, art, etc. [independently]. Became more "broad". For me, isolation is a therapautic method for life-concerns. Maybe you should try? It's hard definitely. But it's worth a shot? a lil' dose of isolation might actually give you a better retrospect down the line........
post #27 of 41
Thread Starter 
For me isolation is the wrong thing to do, because I tend to get very depressed when isolated, and emotionally, I know better than to do that to myself. I always think a lot on my own. I am an artist, I do have my work to occupy me, and as soon as I get darkroom access at the Museum of Fine Arts again, I'll be happy.

I've been drawing and writing a lot... that's usually what I do... I've had some friends come by and make sure I'm ok. I know I'll get through it. Thanks for the support, I do appreciate it...
post #28 of 41
M3D- Your ish I can relate to quite a bit. Your gf sounds a lot like mine, and you like me. With Stef, she's very smart, beautiful, and very very wealthy. She could have any guy she wants in my opinion. But she chose the wrong ones a lot, I will say that. Trust me, your former girl found a good guy in you, and you have to realize she's missing out on a lot. hard for me to really give you any words of wisdom. Usually when I feel I write or say what comes to me. It's good to get it off your chest.

My situation is looking more and more dull, something I really didn't think I would ever see. It's hard enough that I have a long-distance relationship where I have no benefits coming my way. What I hate is the fact that Stef says we aren't as close as we once were, yet how can we be if she is never there for me? She's busy, which I can believe to a certain extent, but to the point where she doesn't have time at all for me is hard to believe. I trust her completely, but surely she can't be occupied 24/7 for school? School is out, and she is at home now. I do understand that she has stuff to do for next year.

What really hurts is that she can't communicate that with me. It would be nice for the 2 of us to discuss her plans before she takes that step first. And this one will just put us urther away from being together. Here's what I don't get. I've offered so many times to spend every single cent of my bank account to come down there to visit her, yet she rejects me each time. Not only that, but when she gets mad at me or feeling hurt when she does it. What do you guys think? Here she is everytime with an excuse about how she's doing something at that time. Well for a fact I know she chose to do something with her friends over me. She said they planned it a long time ago, yet she NEVER informed me.

The thing that hurts the most: I missed my senior prom because of her. She had been telling me she'd come if she had to just for that night, ane showed me dresses online and even looked in stores. Then she has the nerve to tell me she never said she was serious about it. Her excuse then became that during that time she'd be in NY but she wasn't, so I see it as being a lie.

People tell me "go date someone that you can be with" or "go to the prom with someone else" & even she has said to find someone here because she's not good enough and isnt making me happy. She's the only thing that can make me happy. I have nothing without her. I don't want to hear how I should throw away everything just so I can have a girlfriend here with me. It's not about that. I love her to death and I'd do anything for her, and all I want is her period. It's like there is this glass wall between us you know....I'm trying to break through it to get to her. I don't know what else to say.

[ 06-07-2002: Message edited by: TigerWoods99 ]</p>
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post #29 of 41
Tiger . . . obviously, what you need to do is get her to marry you all fast n-shiit, with NO prenuptial agreement, and then get a divorce and sue her for half her cash

casue it sounds bad.... and believe me...because I know, if a log distance relationship feels like maybe it isn't working then it isn't working . . . when you eventually do get together... I give it two months at the most . . . but, if it is working it can end up in mairrage.... I know fromexperience in both cases personally.
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"Narrative is what starts to happen after eight minutes
--Franklin Miller.

"Nothing...

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post #30 of 41
No it is working. We've been together like 2 and a half years and have known each other about twice that long. We're waaayyyy beyond in love, and last summer we wrote each other what were pretty much love letters. We both know we wanna marry each other. If I wasn't 18 I would seriously do it.I know it's meant to be nd that she's the only one for me. We've both taken a lotta sh*t for it, but it hasn't separated us. We may be hundreds of miles apart, but I know she'll always be right there inside my heart.
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post #31 of 41
F the money dogg. My investments will already make a killing. It's kinda like money makes money with her I guess. I say that because she's the only one who will let me believe that I can achieve what I want, and I need her by my side to do that.
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post #32 of 41
Tiger, have you ever even met her in person? I'm sure you have since you guys have been together for so long, but anytime you mention her it seems like because of the distance you've never been with her in person.
post #33 of 41
Yes.
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post #34 of 41
Thread Starter 
heh, it's getting to be like a twilight zone episode. We sat down together today and had a long talk, and she told me she doesn't necessarily want to break up... just that she needs to move into her own place, and live in her own place for right now. She said in a couple of weeks we'll sit down and have a talk about our relationship, talk about what we've been doing wrong, and how to fix that, and give it another shot.

She says she really wants to do that, and just to let her have a couple of weeks. Time shall tell....
post #35 of 41
Well? My wife and I didn't have the smoothest of courtships. After getting married it wasn't all love and happiness and 24/7/52 passionate sexcapades. We are doing very well right now so sticking with it can be a good thing.
post #36 of 41
$2100 for a 2 bedroom apt?? :eek:

/makes note to never move to Boston!

Jack, are you in ROTC in college? Otherwise why wait 2 years for the Marines? And why the Marines? I'm not knocking the service, I did 3 years, but it's not exactly the highest paying job out there, especially if you are an artist. Have you looked for a job in your field? (I don't know jack about you )

Tiger, so you are saying you have been with this chick in person? How many times? You went there or she came there? Personally long-distance relationships are really hard.

All that you had posted sounds like she is giving you the runaround but doesn't want to be honest enough to tell you, tigerwoods. You say you are 18..how old is she?

Move on...you have a lot of life yet to go through all that. Find someone there.
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post #37 of 41
[quote]Originally posted by M3D Jack:
<strong>
Apparently they are. She says I should have seen it coming, but she never once expressed concern over the current state of our relationship. She spoke with my therapist today, and once they were done, he said I wasn't going to win this one.

</strong><hr></blockquote>

First, if you plan to go into the Marines, get away from the therapist. A history of psychiatric consultation can keep you out of the service.

Second, what the f*ck is your therapist doing talking to your girlfriend about things? And why in the HELL would he get in the middle of a domestic dispute. I'd keep my eye on that guy.

Third. As for "coming out of left field," that's pretty common, and it might mean that you need to learn some communication skills. Or it might mean that she's a passive-aggressive psycho hosebag. Or somewhere in between. Find someone who you can talk it over with, one on one, preferably someone who knows you. BUT stay AWAY FROM the psychologists/therapists out there. That's a stigma you don't need to carry with you the rest of your life.
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post #38 of 41
Thread Starter 
Nope, I never did ROTC. I don't think art schools tend to attract a lot of future officers.

I've always been interested in the service. I cannot fully explain it. I almost went into the Army as soon as I turned 18. After my first semester in college I was down at the recruiter's office in Salem filling out paperwork to go Reserve. Both times I got talked out of it, both times by a girl.

I want to go Marines because I feel like I would be challenged the most. That branch of the service strikes me as the most honorable. I feel that if it's been on my mind for this long, I should probably do something about it, and it's something I have to do while I still have some youth left in me

But I may not finish my application for OCS. I just don't know. After all this I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. I could find an excellent job in my current field that would pay a lot more. I'm probably making about three times as much currently than I would in the Marines. so it isn't about the money.

Again, I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. I'm still a confused mess. I've been through hell this past week... first she leaves to go to a hotel, acting like we are breaking up... and that goes on until Thursday when she says she doesn't necessarily want to break up... god, and I know I love her... a lot, and that I shouldn't give up. Turth be told I was going to propose to her in about a year. Guess that plan is going to be pushed back a while...
post #39 of 41
Well I am sorry it is over but you wanted to date someone really beautiful. You should know this about beautiful women they do not give a damn about the men they are dating because deep down they know they can replace you in an instant. How long to do you think it is going to take her before she finds a new one. You deserve better and I am sure you will a great lady if you look pass the physical side. It is obvious you are not perfect but also you are a good guy by the mere fact that you a Marine.
post #40 of 41
Yeah..Marines would be cool.

If you really want to push yourself..go this route:
Army--&gt;airborne--&gt;ranger--&gt;Special Forces--&gt;Delta--&gt;SEAL

Course that would take several years and you would have to join the Navy to do SEAL school...but you would be thoroughly whipped into shape AND you would know how to kill a person with your bare hands :eek:
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