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What is the oldest joke in the world?

post #1 of 53
Thread Starter 
Is it:

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/oyvey.gif" border="0" alt="[No]" />
post #2 of 53
Or is it:

"Hey, I just flew in from Cleveland...and boy, are my arms tired!"

&lt;snare, cymbal crash&gt;
post #3 of 53
My, it was a long time ago, but I seem to remember the oldest joke ever, being the "What is the oldest joke in the world?" joke.

- God

This message has been brought to you by the Deity institute®, 666 Heaven Dr.
post #4 of 53
The oldest joke of the world is :
god exist (not the real one, but the one who write on AI)
post #5 of 53
Yo daddy so fat....

(God being a GODDAMN PATERNALIST!) ARg.
post #6 of 53
Okay stop me if you've heard this one before &lt;crash&gt; &lt;#%#$&gt; &lt;scuffle, scuffle&gt; &lt;oof!&gt; &lt;$%!obscenity!@&gt;

Okay, I got another one &lt;/and now for something completely different...&gt;
Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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post #7 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by Vargas:
<strong>Is it:

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/oyvey.gif" border="0" alt="[No]" /> </strong><hr></blockquote>

A sausage walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
post #8 of 53
I'm not sure of the oldest joke, but the biggest jokes around here recently were Psychobabble and Doctor von Evil. <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

But you wouldn't know that since you weren't here yet, right Vargas?
post #9 of 53
"I came, I saw, I conquer"

Well I thought it was funny...
Don't like what I do? Sue me.
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Don't like what I do? Sue me.
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post #10 of 53
"I walked into a bar, and it hurt."

pscates, I believe it should be:

&lt;snare, snare, cymbal crash&gt;
"Ninety-five percent of houses have a toilet, but just because I have one doesn't mean I'm going to edit my movies on one." - Apple's Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller
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"Ninety-five percent of houses have a toilet, but just because I have one doesn't mean I'm going to edit my movies on one." - Apple's Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller
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post #11 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by Vargas:
<strong>

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
</strong><hr></blockquote>

[quote]Originally posted by RodUK:
<strong>

A sausage walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"</strong><hr></blockquote>

Mix these jokes together add a bit of France and you get:

A horse walks into a French bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here. Oh and, why the long face?" <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

J :cool:
post #12 of 53
A guy says to his doctor "Doc, everytime I f@rt it sounds like 'Honda' ".
The Doc looks puzzled and asks "...as in 'Honda' motorcycles?"
"yea, like 'Honda' everytime I f@rt!" says the guy.
So the doc checks him and finds nothing wrong so asks the guy to open his mouth.
"Hmmm, I see what the trouble is here" says the doc.
"You've got a large abcess in your mouth".
"But its my a$$ , not my mouth" says the guy.
The doc replies "...but do you not know that Abcess makes the f@rt go Honda!"

post #13 of 53
Windows.
I was promised flying cars. Where are the flying cars?
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I was promised flying cars. Where are the flying cars?
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post #14 of 53
i got one, its not really old (or atleast i only heard it fairly recently), but its kinda harsh.

Why can't Hellen Keller have kids?
because she's dead.

i got some more. heres a coupla 1-liner from w. allen:
"i'm not afriad of dying, i just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I'm at 2 with nature."
"If only God were to make me a clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
post #15 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by Fran441:
<strong>I'm not sure of the oldest joke, but the biggest jokes around here recently were Psychobabble and Doctor von Evil. <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

But you wouldn't know that since you weren't here yet, right Vargas? </strong><hr></blockquote>

i dont get it...is this a private joke or is it just me?? sorry

whilst i'm here though....the oldest joke in the world has to be...

any fu*kin 'knock knock' joke

or

"what do donkeys get for dinner........20mins"
-Peter Kay (the god of laughter)

if you dont get this then sorry it is an english joke, and if you still dont get it go to bloody blackpool!
<a href="http://pub21.ezboard.com/bthetavern77385" target="_blank">The Tavern</a>
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<a href="http://pub21.ezboard.com/bthetavern77385" target="_blank">The Tavern</a>
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post #16 of 53
I mean, take my mother-in-law.

Please.
post #17 of 53
Thread Starter 
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

Sir!

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/hmmm.gif" border="0" alt="[Hmmm]" /> :confused:
post #18 of 53
Thread Starter 
A man is sat in a bar when he notices a man sat next to him with a big case on the floor beside him. "What's in the case?" he asks the man. The man opens the case and out walks a little man. This little man pulls out a little piano and plays some beautiful tunes on it. "Where did you get him?" He asks the man, "I have a genie who grants wishes. Would you liketo make a wish?" the man replies. "Sure" he says. The man summons his genie and the other man asks it for a million Bucks. The genie snaps his fingers and the bar is filled with a million ducks. "What?" he shouts "I asked for Bucks, not ducks!". "Please" the other man whispers "my genies a little hard of hearing. You really don't think I asked him for a 12 inch pianist!"
<img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
post #19 of 53
Thread Starter 
Some geometric shapes are having a drink in a bar. The square says to the circle, "Your round."


<img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />

[ 07-03-2002: Message edited by: Vargas ]</p>
post #20 of 53
"Microsoft Works"
I'm having deja-vu and amnesia at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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I'm having deja-vu and amnesia at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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post #21 of 53
Thread Starter 
What do you call a man with a Banana in each ear?

Anything you want, he can't hear you!
post #22 of 53
Come here and pull my finger....

Nick

"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." -George Orwell

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"During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." -George Orwell

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post #23 of 53
"What's that on your shirt?"

*Flicks nose*
post #24 of 53
Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one's ever told me why. Is it like a freakin' secret? Did they do this episode in the X-files? What conspiracy is this about? What? Who's behind me? &lt;gag&gt;&lt;scuffle, scuffle&gt;

Umm... move along folks. Nothing to see here..
Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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post #25 of 53
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, Im sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2.\tTwo boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3.\tTwo Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

4.\tA three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.

5.\tDid you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6.\tA group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7.\tA woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, Theyre twins! If youve seen Juan, youve seen Ahmal.

8.\tThese friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9.\tMahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, its good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10.\tAnd finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(Puns are old, and still punny.)
Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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post #26 of 53
[quote]Why did the chicken cross the road?<hr></blockquote>

To get to the other side?
Stoo
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Stoo
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post #27 of 53
A duck walks into a bar.
"Ouch."

No seriosuly.
A duck walks into a bar.
"Got any gwapes?"
Bartendar shakes hsiu head.
"No grapes. ANd we don't serve ducks."
Next day, duck walks into the same bar.
"Got any gwapes?"
"No, afraid not. Get outa here!"
Next day, duck does it again.
"Got any gwapes?"
"Now, lookee here, bud. Do it again, and I'll staple your feet to the floor!"
Duck leaves.
Next day, duck is back.
"Got any staples?"
"No."
"Got any gwapes?"
post #28 of 53
This should a been in the " poems" thread but probably better here...

"There was a young woman from Ealing
who had a perculiar feeling,
so she sat on a chair
put her legs in the air
and p***** all over the ceiling.
post #29 of 53
there was a young man from madras
who had balls made from solid brass
in stormy weather
they'd clang together
and sparks would fly out of his a$$

there was a young man from venus.....

a man goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers
"whats that?" said the doctor
"Dunno" he replied "but it's driving me nuts"

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
<a href="http://pub21.ezboard.com/bthetavern77385" target="_blank">The Tavern</a>
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<a href="http://pub21.ezboard.com/bthetavern77385" target="_blank">The Tavern</a>
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post #30 of 53
Thread Starter 
How do you kill an entire circus at once?

Go for the Juggler!

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />
post #31 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:
<strong>
. . . . . I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

</strong><hr></blockquote>


:confused: <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
--George W Bush

"Narrative is what starts to happen after eight minutes
--Franklin Miller.

"Nothing...

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"They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
--George W Bush

"Narrative is what starts to happen after eight minutes
--Franklin Miller.

"Nothing...

Reply
post #32 of 53
Thread Starter 
Jane finds Tarzan making use of a hole in a tree trunk in place of a woman. "No" she says, takes off her clothes, lays down and shows Tarzan where to put it. Tarzan looks down at her then gives her an almighty kick between the legs. Once she has recovered from the agony Jane asks Tarzan what he was doing. He replies "Checking for bees!"



<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" />
post #33 of 53
Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "Thirty thousand dollars."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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post #34 of 53
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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Die Grüne Hölle - Gute Fahrt
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post #35 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:
<strong>A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."</strong><hr></blockquote>

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
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WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
Reply
post #36 of 53
(To be read aloud with Sean Connery voice

"There once was a man named Tribeck. He had the world's tiniest ----"

If you watch Saturday Night Live, you know where this came from.
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
Reply
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
Reply
post #37 of 53
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a
proposal from
Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr.
Sharon wants
to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic
faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had
never held a
golf club in his hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he
asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied.
"But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American
golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a
Cardinal, then ask him
to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative.
In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win
the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was
made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day
after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope
of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your
Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,"
said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even
though I've played some pretty
terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the
best I have ever played, by far. I must
have been inspired from above. My drives were long
and true, my irons were
accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect,
my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods
by seven strokes...."
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
Reply
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

No, really.

Eventually.
Reply
post #38 of 53
Thread Starter 
What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog!

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
post #39 of 53
[quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:
<strong>A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."</strong><hr></blockquote>

An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron" he says.

The bartender asks "Are you sure?".

"Yes" replies the atom. "I'm positive".
post #40 of 53
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by RodUK:
<strong>

An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron" he says.

The bartender asks "Are you sure?".

"Yes" replies the atom. "I'm positive".</strong><hr></blockquote>

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

What kind of bee makes milk?

A Boo bee!
<img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />
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