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The Witty Replies to Normal Questions Thread

post #1 of 45
7/20/02 at 3:39pm
Thread Starter 
Here we go:

-"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
-"No but you have some brown poop on your pants."
I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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post #2 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:01pm
  • BR
  • Justified Arrogance
[quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:
<strong>Here we go:

-"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
-"No but you have some brown poop on your pants."</strong><hr></blockquote>

Well, you satisfied one of the two conditions stated in the title of the thread. That was most definitely a reply.

 

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 
-Sagan
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“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 
-Sagan
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post #3 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by BR:
<strong>

Well, you satisfied one of the two conditions stated in the title of the thread. That was most definitely a reply.</strong><hr></blockquote>

Oh come on, that was witty!
I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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post #4 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:18pm
[quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:
<strong>

Oh come on, that was witty! </strong><hr></blockquote>

Define witty.
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post #5 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:36pm
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by Jamie:
<strong>

Define witty.</strong><hr></blockquote>

wit·ty Â*Â*Pronunciation KeyÂ*Â*(wt)
adj. wit·ti·er, wit·ti·est
1.\tPossessing or demonstrating wit in speech or writing; very clever and humorous.
2.\tCharacterized by or having the nature of wit; funny or jocular: a witty saying.
3.\tQuick to discern and express amusing insights or relationships.
4.\tEntertainingly and strikingly clever or original in concept, design, or performance: a witty sculpture; witty choreography.
I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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post #6 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:39pm
Thanks, I can now safely confirm that, no, it was not witty.

J :cool:
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post #7 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:46pm
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by Jamie:
<strong>Thanks, I can now safely confirm that, no, it was not witty.

J :cool: </strong><hr></blockquote>

not clever or humorous? Damn. Someone else try then, damnit
I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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post #8 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:51pm
  • BR
  • Justified Arrogance
[quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:
<strong>

not clever or humorous? Damn. Someone else try then, damnit</strong><hr></blockquote>

My first reply should count.

 

“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 
-Sagan
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“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 
-Sagan
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post #9 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:52pm
Do you have the time?
Certainly. And I don't plan on giving any to you.
When it's my turn to be God you're going to be in real trouble...
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When it's my turn to be God you're going to be in real trouble...
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post #10 of 45
7/20/02 at 4:59pm
Not so much a reply to a question, but more of a prompt response to an insult:

I was in Westwood Village this morning, and I walked past a (male) runner who was jogging on the spot at an intersection waiting to cross Wilshire Boulevard. The windows of a car waiting at the stoplights were suddenly were wound down and a loud chorus of FAGGOT!!!!! and similar commentary came from the four lads inside, obviously directed at the unfortunate runner, probably because he happened to be wearing a rather skimpy pair of shorts. The runner instantly yelled back "It takes one to know one!" followed quickly after by "sorry lads, but you're out of luck!!". This prompted a volley of angry Neanderthal-sounding shrieks from the car, which were then immediately drowned out by revving engines as the lights changed. The runner, totally unfazed, continued on his way. I reckoned it was probably a stock response he had for insults hurled fom car windows by jerks, but funny nonetheless. Sheesh, there are some creeps around.
Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a...


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Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a...


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post #11 of 45
7/20/02 at 7:35pm
Stolen from the venerable George Costanza:

EVERY time anyone asks me "Guess who (blah, blah, blah)" I say, "Mick Jagger!"

Jeff

[ 07-20-2002: Message edited by: jeffyboy ]</p>
What are you up to, Norm?

My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.
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What are you up to, Norm?

My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.
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post #12 of 45
7/20/02 at 8:03pm
When someone says to you "I got a question for you" you say "For how much?" as in a game show. Then after a few more times you say sharply "For how much? Nothing is free"
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post #13 of 45
7/20/02 at 10:57pm
"Guess what?"

"Monkey's butt?"

I ACTUALLY use that a great deal. <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
Living life in glorious 4G HD (with a 2GB data cap).
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Living life in glorious 4G HD (with a 2GB data cap).
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post #14 of 45
7/21/02 at 1:04pm
No I've not lost it. I just can't find it right now.
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post #15 of 45
7/21/02 at 4:20pm
- "Can I ask you a question?"
- "You just did."
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post #16 of 45
7/22/02 at 3:08pm
"Guess what?"

"You're a homosexual Martian with vampiric tendancies?"
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post #17 of 45
7/23/02 at 6:07am
"can i say (or ask( you one think?"

"no you can't" (that pisses the asker..) or
"you alrady said / asked one thing"

...

one more improper answer that i remebered cannot be answered...
a man went to buy a ventilator and asked the price. "due e venti" .,.. "no thanks.. just one wind.." .. "due e venti = 2.20 E or $.. due venti= twi winds.. so that works only in italian
How many problems have you modified or originated in the past 1 day?
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How many problems have you modified or originated in the past 1 day?
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post #18 of 45
7/23/02 at 6:29am
one of the best answers to give to any question is "affirmative", or "yes" (to the syllablly challenged), or some other affirming phrase. Sometimes a negative phrase is good, but they often just come out harsh, and not witty. ex:

Do you know what time it is?
yes.

How old are you?
affirmative.

Can you help me with this problem?
i agree with you.

--

If you were a color, what color would you be?
i disagree with you.

--

its also funny to respond to a question with an overly elaborate shield of words. these work better in speech tho, and not so well intext. ex:

Where were you born?
There is no evidence relating me to any such information. And furthermore, I'm offended by the accusation. I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. And you can't prove anything. You should speak to my lawyer if you need further explanation.
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post #19 of 45
7/23/02 at 9:26am
[quote]Originally posted by Samantha Joanne Ollendale:
<strong>Not so much a reply to a question, but more of a prompt response to an insult:

I was in Westwood Village this morning, and I walked past a (male) runner who was jogging on the spot at an intersection waiting to cross Wilshire Boulevard. The windows of a car waiting at the stoplights were suddenly were wound down and a loud chorus of FAGGOT!!!!! and similar commentary came from the four lads inside, obviously directed at the unfortunate runner, probably because he happened to be wearing a rather skimpy pair of shorts. The runner instantly yelled back "It takes one to know one!" followed quickly after by "sorry lads, but you're out of luck!!". This prompted a volley of angry Neanderthal-sounding shrieks from the car, which were then immediately drowned out by revving engines as the lights changed. The runner, totally unfazed, continued on his way. I reckoned it was probably a stock response he had for insults hurled fom car windows by jerks, but funny nonetheless. Sheesh, there are some creeps around.</strong><hr></blockquote>

There are no fags in Westwood. They're in Exposition Park. And they like to wear burgundy and gold.

There are quite a few drunk college chicks in Westwood, tho. God bless them.
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post #20 of 45
7/23/02 at 10:06am
Whenever some guy asks "Can I help you find something?" in a pointed radio shack style asshole know-it-all way I just make lewd noises and start to rub the merchandise.
"I'm gonna walk walk walk four more blocks" -Elliot Smith
-ICARUS
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"I'm gonna walk walk walk four more blocks" -Elliot Smith
-ICARUS
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post #21 of 45
7/23/02 at 10:56am
[quote]Originally posted by CosmoNut:
<strong>"Guess what?"

"Monkey's butt?"

</strong><hr></blockquote>

Guess who?

Monkey Poo!
i am monkey
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i am monkey
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post #22 of 45
7/23/02 at 12:26pm
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by i am monkey:
<strong>

Guess who?

Monkey Poo!</strong><hr></blockquote>

I always thought it was "chicken butt" and "chicken poo." Whatever.

"Guess why?"
"Chicken pot pie"
I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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I have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.
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post #23 of 45
7/23/02 at 1:31pm
The one time anyone yelled "fag" at me was in West Hollywood when I was running. It was the typical bunch of jerks; two guys in a Jeep with their girlfriends. Since it was at a light in front of a busy restaurant, (and since I could have easily stomped a big hole in their puny, acne covered pusses, if I wanted to) I just looked over at them and said "DUH! Your're in fu@king West Hollywood, what did you expect to find, migrating wildebeest?

They didn't have a comeback for that.

[ 07-23-2002: Message edited by: tmp ]</p>
"..do you remember where you parked the car?"
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post #24 of 45
7/23/02 at 2:21pm
[quote]There are no fags in Westwood. They're in Exposition Park. And they like to wear burgundy and gold.
There are quite a few drunk college chicks in Westwood, tho. God bless them.<hr></blockquote>

Shanny, you weren't one of those 'men' in the car the other morning I trust?

Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a...


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Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a...


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post #25 of 45
7/23/02 at 6:32pm
I've been touring college towns recently and noticed a much higher incidence of blatant homosexuality than in "normal" towns.

Fine and good with me. I don't mind that my brother is gay, it just means I won't get any nephews.

Then comes along a group of young ladies with the Zombie Makeup on (seen three or four of those cliques) and I'll be darned if one of them wasn't wearing a dog collar. With a license.
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post #26 of 45
7/24/02 at 1:54pm
[quote]Originally posted by Samantha Joanne Ollendale:
<strong>

Shanny, you weren't one of those 'men' in the car the other morning I trust?

</strong><hr></blockquote>

Nah. My mornings are occupied by only 2 things. Work and sleep.
You did understand my dig at the burgundy and gold in expy park, right?
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post #27 of 45
7/24/02 at 2:07pm
you mean those guys who named their football team after a condom?
"..do you remember where you parked the car?"
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post #28 of 45
7/24/02 at 3:43pm
I think we have a winner.
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post #29 of 45
7/24/02 at 4:00pm
Can you talk smack about another school being gay when your school's colors are gold and baby blue?
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post #30 of 45
7/24/02 at 4:13pm
Actually my school's team colors are purple and white. Like Barney.
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"..do you remember where you parked the car?"
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post #31 of 45
7/24/02 at 4:23pm
[quote]Originally posted by ColanderOfDeath:
<strong>Can you talk smack about another school being gay when your school's colors are gold and baby blue?</strong><hr></blockquote>

Baby Blue is cute!
I remember the Baby Blue and Gold wiping the ground with some Navy and Gold.

Behold the "The Onion Beer Stein of Triumph!"
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post #32 of 45
7/24/02 at 4:46pm
That's maize and blue to you, you beer swilling, sun-drenched, no bowl playing in, stalled in traffic, losing to gay Trojans, providing tech support to star-gazing 3rd rate journalists, Gilmore Girls watching, Eskimo romancing BRUIN!
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post #33 of 45
7/24/02 at 5:14pm
Eskimo hit on me first.
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post #34 of 45
7/25/02 at 1:23am
  • Spart
  • Beloved Local Storyteller
"Wazzzuuuuuuuuuuup?"
"Wazzuppppp?"
"Wazzzzzzzuuuuuuuuup?"
"Wazzzzzzzuppppp?"
"Wazzuuuuuppp?"
"Wazzzzzzzzuuuuupp?"
"Waaaaazzzuuuuuup?"
"Wazzuppp?"
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post #35 of 45
7/25/02 at 10:10am
[quote]Originally posted by ColanderOfDeath:
<strong>That's maize and blue to you, you beer swilling, sun-drenched, no bowl playing in, stalled in traffic, losing to gay Trojans, providing tech support to star-gazing 3rd rate journalists, Gilmore Girls watching, Eskimo romancing BRUIN!</strong><hr></blockquote>

Oh yeah? Well you've got Bill Gates!
"..do you remember where you parked the car?"
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"..do you remember where you parked the car?"
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post #36 of 45
7/25/02 at 1:44pm
[quote]Originally posted by ColanderOfDeath:
<strong>Can you talk smack about another school being gay when your school's colors are gold and baby blue?</strong><hr></blockquote>

Believe me, if there were gay football teams, my life would be a lot more interesting.
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post #37 of 45
7/25/02 at 8:29pm
If I owned a football team, my life would be more interesting.
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post #38 of 45
7/25/02 at 11:09pm
If I owned a gay footbnall team.... hmm.

Well, I guess I'd pimp them on the Tip.
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post #39 of 45
7/26/02 at 4:35am
Ehehe...

my secret question in my mails etc is an example of these question completely unrelated to their answers!!

so i put a casual question.. my pets name, my last 4 dgts of the credit card, any digits that my fingers hit.. wretshfncsadhbjnhgfd__Dewt?? ANY ANY question ever... the answer NEVER relates to the question <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
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How many problems have you modified or originated in the past 1 day?
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post #40 of 45
9/17/02 at 11:45pm
if someone says " I'm thinking ..." say "no! don't hurt yourself!"

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