Originally Posted by macinthe408
Reminds me of the Steven Wright joke where he starts, "About two years ago...no, wait, it was last night."
Love Steven Wright humor...
"Four years ago... No, it was yesterday."
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
"I can levitate birds. No one cares."
"I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. The robber said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." Then the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer."
"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."
"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
"I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?"
"(Referring to a glass of water
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. "
"Hermits have no peer pressure."
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
"What do batteries run on?"
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ..."
"I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish."
"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
'One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95."
"I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real.""
"I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep."
"Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown."
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane."
"My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling. "
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
"I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils."
"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better..."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest."