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Rules of the Troll [WIP]

post #1 of 84
Thread Starter 

I've been working on this for a little while as a reflection of the fact that many posts made by those falsely criticizing Apple are near perfect mirrors of other posts by other users doing the same. In assembling this, I've tried to fall across the entire spectrum of troll complaints while remaining as nonspecific as possible for each point. This should allow the application of any one rule in all situations in which it would be valid without rewriting. I've also compiled them in an order that I feel flows as smoothly as possible between topics, so that the list itself feels like one entity despite its broad scope.

 

Rules of the Troll
 
#1: Apple is doomed.
#2: Innovate, don't litigate.
#3: Good artists copy, Apple steals.
#4: Occasionally preface arguments with "I love Apple, but…" or "As an Apple stockholder…"
#5: Claiming (desired) ownership of Apple products renders one resistant to rebuttal. The number of products owned is directly proportional to how safe you are from rebuttal.
#6: Express that if Apple made a product that will never come to fruition (or is physically impossible), it would be the first product you buy from Apple. Since they do not, your complaining about all things Apple is justified.
#7: Apple has always been shameless about stealing the best ideas in the industry and suing the people who came up with the ideas.
#8: All of Apple's designs are copied from Braun or other existing products.
#9: It's always the same design as last year. Even if it changes.
#10: If it is the same design as last year, it is the same device as last year, with no new hardware inside.
#11: If it isn't the same design as last year, it's a yawn-inducing update. "That's it?" is appropriate.
#12: Hardware, software, and other specs always leave something to be desired.
#13: Express a belief that hardware or software updates that are physically impossible at the time will be included in the next device.
#14: Express a belief that every product Apple makes will be completely updated at every event.
#15: Express that the community as a whole will be disappointed if the above numbers do not come to pass, which will make others start to believe the same.
#16: When Apple invariably falls short of the above three statements, refer to #1 and #45.
#17: Only paid Apple marketing employees and Apple fanboys stand in line on launch day or otherwise.
#18: When a product sells out, it is because supplies were artificially constrained to make it look successful.
#19: Apple products only sell at all because Apple fanboys will buy anything with an Apple logo.
#20: Apple products only sell because of the marketing and the lies therein.
#21: Apple products are just now getting features that Windows/Android users have had for years.
#22: All of Apple's products that enter new markets are simply natural progressions of the technology already in said market.
#23: Apple fanboys believe that the company invented the fundamental concepts behind products that appear similar to their competitors.
#24: Apple fanboys believe that the company can patent euclidean shapes.
#25: Apple fanboys are insecure and must therefore blindly excuse all problems with the company.
#26: Apple cannot stand competition. They just want a monopoly. "Coke doesn't sue Pepsi," is appropriate.
#27: Apple is threatened by [company name]'s success. That is why Apple sues them.
#28: Call the hardware or software 'stale'.
#29: The patent system needs reformed, unless Apple's patents are being invalidated.
#30: The legal system needs reformed, unless Apple loses a trial.
#31: Never offer ideas of any sort for improvement of anything you say needs to be changed.
#32: FRAND is an acronym which stands for Apple Must Pay Licensing Twice.
#33: As Apple is a US company, no legal battle against Apple in the United States can be fair. 
#34: Apple's Chinese workers hate their lives.
#35: Apple's Chinese workers work far too long for far too little.
#36: Apple drives dozens of their Chinese workers to suicide per year.
#37: Apple beats their Chinese workers if they lose parts or devices.
#38: Only Apple mistreats their Chinese workers. No other company does this, so no other company should be audited or ever improve.
#39: If Apple cared about the US, they'd bring jobs back there.
#40: Microsoft and Google have shipped sold more. Microsoft and Google are winning.
#41: OS X and iOS only have single- and teen-digit marketshare worldwide, respectively. Who cares about such a small number of people?
#42: The daily movement of Apple's stock price is a direct reflection of both the worth of the company and the regard in which it is held by its customers.
#43: If you want to know what features Apple will add to their hardware/software in the future, simply look at [competitor in the respective field].
#44: Take any problem with an Apple device, regardless of its impact, append the suffix '-gate', and herald it as the end of Apple's success.
#45: Steve Jobs is dead; Apple is failing without him.
#46: Steve Jobs would never have allowed Apple to do anything that it has done posthumously.
#47: Apple is turning into the Big Brother against whom they rebelled in the 1984 commercial.
#48: All leaks from all sources of all levels of legitimacy represent a total failure of Apple security.
#49: Apple Campus 2 is a blemish on the face of the surrounding architecture.
#50: Apple must publicly apologize for even the slightest error, perceived or otherwise, or they will lose all credibility.
#51: Any anecdotal evidence of diminished use or marketshare is objective proof that Apple products are not selling.
#52: If an analyst says it (about Apple), it must be true.
#53: 
#54: 
#55: 
#56: 
#57: 
#58: 
#59: 
#60: Repeat every argument on this list in every applicable thread, even after they have long been disproven.

 

Please comment on what you believe should be added, what should be removed, on the wording of what is here, and on the order of what is here. Let's show the Anti-Apple Brigade that we're on to their copy/paste-isms.

 

——————————————————————————————

Examples:

 
#2
"If Apple really cared about innovation, the money that Apple is spending on lawsuits against Samsung, et. al. would be better served making new products."
#3
Any purposeful misuse (not misunderstanding) of Steve Jobs' oft-quoted quote, "Good artists copy, great artists steal." Most often used in reference to the "theft" of Mac OS' GUI, but more recently used to describe hardware designs. 
#4 & 5
Posts of this nature use the (falsified) ownership of Apple products as a "ground", to which is tethered the point of trolling. The rationale here is that if the trolling statement is being made by an owner of an Apple product, it will automatically be accepted by the community as valid and representative of an actual condition within the ecosystem (or what have you).
#10
Most often applied to the iPhone, it has recently begun to be applied to the iPad. If the device looks the same on the outside, they posit, then nothing at all has changed on the inside, and so Apple has gone another [timeframe] without an update, but is lying to the public in claiming the new device is "new". 
 
Note that this is never applied to their computers, where historically the case design changes far less rapidly. Note also that this is never applied to PCs, as the condition is the same there. Generally this kind of troll is a member of the Android branch of the Anti-Apple Brigade, as Android phones change case designs every time a member of that product line is updated, and the design of the case is different across every product line within every company.
#12
Even when Apple has spent millions to invent an entirely new method of manufacturing or put into production the highest-quality [component] in the history of technology, this troll claims that more could have been done. Sometimes existing, physically or operationally inferior products, are referenced.
#14 & 15
Unfortunately, these are helped along by the rumor community itself. Rather, the outlet websites for Apple rumors. They will often post everything that comes their way, regardless of logic, resulting in the already grand hype before every Apple event being raised to truly unappeasable levels.
 
But that's where the rumor sites stop. After events, they don't post "Where was the [product]?!" articles, and so the trolls pick up the "slack".
#20
An old classic. "Apple is just a marketing company," is the most popular iteration of this. Pretending that Apple products only sell to anyone at all because of the way they are marketed is probably as old as Steve Jobs' return.
#24
The infamous "rounded rectangle" statements.
#34-38
Trolling along these lines operates under the purposely erroneous belief that Foxconn, et. al. are directly owned by Apple, Inc. and the employees thereof are similarly "owned". 
 
Rebuttals referring to other companies' use of Foxconn, as well as worse conditions often found in their care, are usually ignored.

 

Collaborative effort now courtesy:

 

RobM, BestKeptSecret, JeffDM, sr2012, Tallest Skil, PhilBoogie, Marvin, 1stGenRex, and bananaman


Edited by Tallest Skil - 11/8/13 at 6:45am

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply
post #2 of 84
ohh ohh - last nights post !
1) Apple users are insecure which is why we feel the need to defend Apple.
2) Claim moral high ground without any basis other than some dodgy spec whorism.

Great list !
post #3 of 84
Preface an attack on Apple with "As a stock holder..."
post #4 of 84

Make it clear that use of any of the arguments listed above makes the poster automatically wrong  and to be defined as a troll from that point forth. :)

melior diabolus quem scies
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melior diabolus quem scies
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post #5 of 84
#4 LOL that's what I do.

#5 Should also be modified to: "The more Apple products one owns the less Trolly they are supposed to be".

#18 yeah the ol' conspiracy theory.

#34 Yes, that is true, except probably they hate their lives less than Samsung's Chinese workers LOL.

#38 What other companies are actually audited? That's what's scary. It's as though no other company besides Apple or Samsung makes use of hundreds of millions of Chinese.

#45 Apple is not failing, but a bit more chaotic now to me without Steve.

#48 ~ Of course! Ha Ha.

Great work Tallest!
post #6 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatorguy View Post

Make it clear that use of any of the arguments listed above makes the poster automatically wrong  and to be defined as a troll from that point forth. 1smile.gif

Nah, we should just make it #55 ~ Gatorguy is a Troll. Period. :-D
post #7 of 84

:) that should go much higher on the list than #55.

melior diabolus quem scies
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melior diabolus quem scies
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post #8 of 84
xxx-Gate. Better dump all your Apple stock
post #9 of 84
This is unacceptable! Steve would never have let this happen!
post #10 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

xxx-Gate. Better dump all your Apple stock
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

This is unacceptable! Steve would never have let this happen!

HA HA Awesome.
post #11 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatorguy View Post

1smile.gif that should go much higher on the list than #55.

Well, I guess I'm going on the list too. Apple has been disturbing me lately and I really do like my Nexus 7". Sign me up, Tallest!
post #12 of 84
Haha! Great posts! 1biggrin.gif

iMac mid 2011 • 27 in • 3,4 GHz Core i7 • 32 GB RAM • AMD Radeon HD 6970M 2GB VRAM

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iMac mid 2011 • 27 in • 3,4 GHz Core i7 • 32 GB RAM • AMD Radeon HD 6970M 2GB VRAM

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post #13 of 84
As an Apple fan, it pains me to say...
post #14 of 84
So much for doubling down on security...
post #15 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

As an Apple fan, it pains me to say...

LOL perfect. Let me copy and paste that since all my posts will probably start with that now.
post #16 of 84
Fandroids on an Apple forum: busier than a one-legged man in a kickfight
post #17 of 84
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post
Fandroids on an Apple forum: busier than a one-legged man in a kickfight

 

Like a midget at a urinal, they're gonna have to stay on their toes.

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply
post #18 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

This is unacceptable! Steve would never have let this happen!
SJ would never have agreed to this...
Edited by AlexN - 11/22/12 at 1:14pm
post #19 of 84
Nit picking:

#29: patent system needs reformed -> patent system [needs reforming | needs to be reformed]
#30: legal system ditto...
Edited by AlexN - 11/22/12 at 1:15pm
post #20 of 84
One cannot patent rounded corners
post #21 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

One cannot patent rounded corners

Wow. You are totally killing it. Well done.
post #22 of 84
stealing and copying is not innovation
post #23 of 84
In 2016, Apple will have its employees running in circles
post #24 of 84
Nice Phil!
post #25 of 84
Samsung. A Xerox company.
post #26 of 84
“If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.”
― Bill Gates (but I think any Fandroid can and will say this as well. Heck, if they did it would be copying)
post #27 of 84
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post
“If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.”
― Bill Gates (but I think any Fandroid can and will say this as well. Heck, if they did it would be copying)

 

"But Apple's sole purpose is to make things that look pretty at the expense of utility!"

 

Strange that Gates seems to have not lived by that himself. Couldn't accomplish either.

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply
post #28 of 84
"An American company who decides to manufacture their product on US soil: Fancy that! What a concept!" (forum member on rockcenter.nbcnews.com after the 12/7 Cook interview)
post #29 of 84
Google is made of engineers, Apple is made of lawyers.
post #30 of 84
Gorilla glass. Because Apple likes to throw stones.
post #31 of 84
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post
Gorilla glass. Because Apple likes to throw stones.

 

This one stands out, but I don't see how it can be made a "rule", per se.

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply
post #32 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallest Skil View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

Gorilla glass. Because Apple likes to throw stones.

This one stands out, but I don't see how it can be made a "rule", per se.

Feel free to delete it; I was just having fun...but yeah, it's more of a tagline. I remember the webmaster at a company that I worked for created a random tagline (beneath our new company name after a merger) on our intranet, replacing it with a new one with every refresh. Yep, I used IE's F5 quite a lot because he wrote fantastic tag lines.
post #33 of 84
One of my favourites is one that crops up on Engadget quite often:

"I used to own Apple products but I switched to a PC / Android device / non-Apple product and my life is so much better now"

Here's an example:

http://www.engadget.com/2012/12/21/kantar-iphone-5-boosts-apples-us-smartphone-share-to-53-3-perc/

One of the comments is:

"I'm not too surprised to see that the iphone 5 is selling well, though it was a bit too boring of an upgrade for me... Me and the girlfriend upgraded from the 4S to a Note II and GS3. Jellybean is fantastic and feels like a breath of fresh air coming from iOS."

I love the random anecdotes:

"They've been loosing market share, not to mention I live in iPhones biggest selling region, Los Angeles, and they have gone down considerably in this region."

It's not even based on anything other than presumably this guy wandering around LA looking for Android and iPhone users and determining that iPhones have depleted in favour of Android phones - no doubt because they just threw the iPhones away because if they'd sold them on, they'd either have had to sell out of the region or the number of users would actually be the same. iPhones and Android phones are displacing Nokia and RIM, with Android doing it a bit faster so that's where the growth is coming from.

Here's another one:

"Even the Verizon retail sales folks I run into are getting the Galaxy Note II over iPhone 5 and they know what they're selling."

and another:

"Here in the uk. All i see is people buying android tablets for christmas. These figures will change soon. People are waking up. Apple products are good but way over priced."

Always with the "overpriced" and "waking up" remarks as if buyers don't realise how much they are spending and somehow got tricked into buying something expensive and yet if someone bought a big expensive house or car instead of a small house or car, they'd be seen as doing well for themselves. They don't realise the Kindle and Tab are being sold at either break-even or very low margins and despite that aren't a huge amount cheaper than the iPad Mini - the Galaxy S series isn't that much cheaper than an equivalent iPhone. It just makes me laugh how they come out with things like "all I see is people buying Android" - do they spend hours at a checkout or something? If they are a shopper, the best they'd see is maybe 5 people buying a tablet at the same time.

It is a strange phenomenon with tech companies how people (including us) go on about how much a company is selling when it really doesn't benefit us in any way. I wonder if there are car enthusiast forums where people post about how many units a manufacturer is shipping. I suppose the marketshare matters more with computers as it's about software and hardware support but at this stage, neither Android nor iOS users really have to worry about the numbers. No matter what happens from here on, both have a 400-600 million strong userbase so it really doesn't matter.
post #34 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvin View Post

One of my favourites is one that crops up on Engadget quite often:
"I used to own Apple products but I switched to a PC / Android device / non-Apple product and my life is so much better now"

As you know, I've been quite vocal on this issue. Of course, I still use a Mac, but I am hesitant to consider the latest MBPs and iMacs.

As for phones though, switching to Android has opened up a whole new world for me, and here's why ~ it is like when I got my own first "modern" Mac, the iBook G3 500mhz (white). I remember that "glow" to the day... It's like, I wake up, go to work, on the train I pull it out, and there's that ~sense of wonder and amazement~ ... that unexpected delight, that not takes over your life, but spices it up like cinnamon tea.

That is Android 4.x to me now. It's not about ideology so much... It's about delight, wonder and amazement that Apple delivered time and time again, and perhaps, to me, they don't quite seem to be doing that anymore despite highly polished products... It's installing that custom ROM, and seeing a remarkable, unexpected boot animation.

You're not so much a geek, but a child... hearing a new instrument for the first time, getting a new book, hearing a different language, meeting a new friend you just instantly connect with.

All the little things that Apple used to do, like OS X ~ you were always learning new things.

To me, Android does that now, though of course I am glad I have my Mac for rock-solid no-nonsense, beautiful computing. I think I have been getting eyestrain using a PC at work, the fonts and antialiasing in Windows is just really off.

For all those at the intersection of the liberal arts and technology, there is a spirit to Android, that, yes, was born of evil and conniving parents, but now has taken on a life of its own, and do not punish it for the sins of the father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvin View Post

It is a strange phenomenon with tech companies how people (including us) go on about how much a company is selling when it really doesn't benefit us in any way. I wonder if there are car enthusiast forums where people post about how many units a manufacturer is shipping. I suppose the marketshare matters more with computers as it's about software and hardware support but at this stage, neither Android nor iOS users really have to worry about the numbers. No matter what happens from here on, both have a 400-600 million strong userbase so it really doesn't matter.

I think what has happened is that our lives are so infused with consumerism that we attach meaning to all the things around us. Particularly since a lot of tech now gives us a lot of unimaginable opportunities.

What we are also seeing is all that "long tail" stuff economists have been talking about. I recently saw The Hobbit and was aghast, especially with the 3D HFR 48fps. But fans were raving about it still, and yes, at the cinema, audiences (some at least) seemed to enjoy it while I was squirming uncomfortably in my seat.

It is simply the new capitalist landscape, and in the absence of real causes to fight for, we pick up the placard for our favourite piece of technology, feeling that we have a say now in shaping the landscape that we live in.

It works for Western countries, it also works for developing countries where their new found growth and increase in wages is also frought with more corruption and increased stress as they become "Westernised" without enjoying the actual benefits of "Westernisation". In developing countries it gives a chance, again, to discuss, to share, to learn, to whine, to forget one's troubles.
Edited by sr2012 - 1/4/13 at 4:49am
post #35 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marvin View Post

Always with the "overpriced" and "waking up" remarks as if buyers don't realise how much they are spending and somehow got tricked into buying something expensive and yet if someone bought a big expensive house or car instead of a small house or car, they'd be seen as doing well for themselves.

Good post! This 'waking up' isn't just limited to people writing on forums; even Samsung uses it in their advertisement:



Quite sad indeed. And no, I've never come across a car forum where people do the same. Although in 'real' life some people do like to brag, or point out certain features their new car has over the previous one.
post #36 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhilBoogie View Post

Good post! This 'waking up' isn't just limited to people writing on forums; even Samsung uses it in their advertisement:

"Wake up" was the name of a Samsung ad about a year ago.

Quote:

Quite sad indeed. And no, I've never come across a car forum where people do the same. Although in 'real' life some people do like to brag, or point out certain features their new car has over the previous one.

Designed for humans? Maybe they're about right for MY hands, but I wear XXL and XXXL gloves.
post #37 of 84
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by JeffDM View Post
"Wake up" was the name of a Samsung ad about a year ago.

 

Wait, wasn't that RIM?

 

Whoever it was, at least they didn't append "iSheep".

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply

Originally posted by Relic

...those little naked weirdos are going to get me investigated.
Reply
post #38 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallest Skil View Post

Wait, wasn't that RIM?

Whoever it was, at least they didn't append "iSheep".

You're right. It was speculation, I forgot the conclusion.
post #39 of 84
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr2012 
As you know, I've been quite vocal on this issue.

Hadn't noticed ¡
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr2012 
It's about delight, wonder and amazement that Apple delivered time and time again, and perhaps, to me, they don't quite seem to be doing that anymore despite highly polished products... It's installing that custom ROM, and seeing a remarkable, unexpected boot animation.

You're not so much a geek, but a child... hearing a new instrument for the first time, getting a new book, hearing a different language, meeting a new friend you just instantly connect with.

All the little things that Apple used to do, like OS X ~ you were always learning new things.

I don't really mind the lack of change in things so much. People see it as getting stale and for something to be considered artistic, it really should have an element of change but I look at the iPhone as though it is a single piece of artwork. Like how a Porche always looks like a Porche even though they change bits here and there from one model to another.

Android still has the same setup with the homescreens and I still don't like it. I do like the 'openness' such as being able to drop a .avi on an SD card and play it in an app without even having to think about what sync strategy to use with an iOS device. I like how Apple has gone PC free but I still feel like I'm using an accessory device.

I'd like for the iPad to be able to backup to and restore from offline media of some kind without the intervention of a traditional computer - it can just be an SD card. For people who have an ipad as their only device, there isn't an easy way to upgrade and move data over - iCloud won't backup everything.

I'd like it to be able to easily use local storage using an ad-hoc wifi connection - I still don't know why they haven't brought out an iOS media server like the Time Capsule. I'd like to be able to exchange files like a keynote from an iPad to a laptop user easily without relying on a network (e.g AirDrop but an SD card would be good).

I like that Android is an OS that can just be downloaded and run on anything. There is a feeling of security that no matter what happens to the company in control, it will always be an option on new hardware. I don't think that fact alone makes it a better experience though and there is a benefit to not allowing people to customise certain things. You can replace Android's launcher but it's an important part of the OS and if it is coded badly, it will lead to a bad experience.

I think there are absolutely valid reasons for preferring Android over iOS and even something like a Galaxy S over an iPhone - not everyone has the same taste in design. Where people get annoyed (on both sides) is with far-reaching and unsubstantiated statements about one product's superiority or inferiority vs another, especially when we all the know the history. Apple deserves criticism where it's due but I strongly believe that them making the phone by which all other phones are now judged (and to do it with their first product in a new market no less) is enough that they should be free from taunting about a lack of innovation.

The exaggerated statements about Android's openness / Apple's control, about how much cheaper equivalent Android devices are, about how innovative Google / Samsung etc are should be dialled back or else they start to create a new reality distortion field.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr2012 
I think I have been getting eyestrain using a PC at work, the fonts and antialiasing in Windows is just really off.

Yeah, I don't know how they can't get that right, it annoys me too. Microsoft has a strange tendency to see the right way to do things as other people have done them and then screw it up somehow (the putz that gets passed the ball and then fumbles and drops it). The XBox is one of the few exceptions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr2012 
It is simply the new capitalist landscape, and in the absence of real causes to fight for, we pick up the placard for our favourite piece of technology, feeling that we have a say now in shaping the landscape that we live in.

I think that's a good analysis of it.
post #40 of 84
First time seeing this. The link to the list should be in your sig.

"The real haunted empire?  It's the New York Times." ~SockRolid

"There is no rule that says the best phones must have the largest screen." ~RoundaboutNow

Reply

"The real haunted empire?  It's the New York Times." ~SockRolid

"There is no rule that says the best phones must have the largest screen." ~RoundaboutNow

Reply
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