I've been working on this for a little while as a reflection of the fact that many posts made by those falsely criticizing Apple are near perfect mirrors of other posts by other users doing the same. In assembling this, I've tried to fall across the entire spectrum of troll complaints while remaining as nonspecific as possible for each point. This should allow the application of any one rule in all situations in which it would be valid without rewriting. I've also compiled them in an order that I feel flows as smoothly as possible between topics, so that the list itself feels like one entity despite its broad scope.
Rules of the Troll
#1: Apple is doomed.
#2: Innovate, don't litigate.
#3: Good artists copy, Apple steals.
#4: Occasionally preface arguments with "I love Apple, but…" or "As an Apple stockholder…"
#5: Claiming (desired) ownership of Apple products renders one resistant to rebuttal. The number of products owned is directly proportional to how safe you are from rebuttal.
#6: Express that if Apple made a product that will never come to fruition (or is physically impossible), it would be the first product you buy from Apple. Since they do not, your complaining about all things Apple is justified.
#7: Apple has always been shameless about stealing the best ideas in the industry and suing the people who came up with the ideas.
#8: All of Apple's designs are copied from Braun or other existing products.
#9: It's always the same design as last year. Even if it changes.
#10: If it is the same design as last year, it is the same device as last year, with no new hardware inside.
#11: If it isn't the same design as last year, it's a yawn-inducing update. "That's it?" is appropriate.
#12: Hardware, software, and other specs always leave something to be desired.
#13: Express a belief that hardware or software updates that are physically impossible at the time will be included in the next device.
#14: Express a belief that every product Apple makes will be completely updated at every event.
#15: Express that the community as a whole will be disappointed if the above numbers do not come to pass, which will make others start to believe the same.
#16: When Apple invariably falls short of the above three statements, refer to #1 and #45.
#17: Only paid Apple marketing employees and Apple fanboys stand in line on launch day or otherwise.
#18: When a product sells out, it is because supplies were artificially constrained to make it look successful.
#19: Apple products only sell at all because Apple fanboys will buy anything with an Apple logo.
#20: Apple products only sell because of the marketing and the lies therein.
#21: Apple products are just now getting features that Windows/Android users have had for years.
#22: All of Apple's products that enter new markets are simply natural progressions of the technology already in said market.
#23: Apple fanboys believe that the company invented the fundamental concepts behind products that appear similar to their competitors.
#24: Apple fanboys believe that the company can patent euclidean shapes.
#25: Apple fanboys are insecure and must therefore blindly excuse all problems with the company.
#26: Apple cannot stand competition. They just want a monopoly. "Coke doesn't sue Pepsi," is appropriate.
#27: Apple is threatened by [company name]'s success. That is why Apple sues them.
#28: Call the hardware or software 'stale'.
#29: The patent system needs reformed, unless Apple's patents are being invalidated.
#30: The legal system needs reformed, unless Apple loses a trial.
#31: Never offer ideas of any sort for improvement of anything you say needs to be changed.
#32: FRAND is an acronym which stands for Apple Must Pay Licensing Twice.
#33: As Apple is a US company, no legal battle against Apple in the United States can be fair.
#34: Apple's Chinese workers hate their lives.
#35: Apple's Chinese workers work far too long for far too little.
#36: Apple drives dozens of their Chinese workers to suicide per year.
#37: Apple beats their Chinese workers if they lose parts or devices.
#38: Only Apple mistreats their Chinese workers. No other company does this, so no other company should be audited or ever improve.
#39: If Apple cared about the US, they'd bring jobs back there.
#40: Microsoft and Google have shipped sold more. Microsoft and Google are winning.
#41: OS X and iOS only have single- and teen-digit marketshare worldwide, respectively. Who cares about such a small number of people?
#42: The daily movement of Apple's stock price is a direct reflection of both the worth of the company and the regard in which it is held by its customers.
#43: If you want to know what features Apple will add to their hardware/software in the future, simply look at [competitor in the respective field].
#44: Take any problem with an Apple device, regardless of its impact, append the suffix '-gate', and herald it as the end of Apple's success.
#45: Steve Jobs is dead; Apple is failing without him.
#46: Steve Jobs would never have allowed Apple to do anything that it has done posthumously.
#47: Apple is turning into the Big Brother against whom they rebelled in the 1984 commercial.
#48: All leaks from all sources of all levels of legitimacy represent a total failure of Apple security.
#49: Apple Campus 2 is a blemish on the face of the surrounding architecture.
#50: Apple must publicly apologize for even the slightest error, perceived or otherwise, or they will lose all credibility.
#51: Any anecdotal evidence of diminished use or marketshare is objective proof that Apple products are not selling.
#52: If an analyst says it (about Apple), it must be true.
#60: Repeat every argument on this list in every applicable thread, even after they have long been disproven.
Please comment on what you believe should be added, what should be removed, on the wording of what is here, and on the order of what is here. Let's show the Anti-Apple Brigade that we're on to their copy/paste-isms.
"If Apple really cared about innovation, the money that Apple is spending on lawsuits against Samsung, et. al. would be better served making new products."
Any purposeful misuse (not misunderstanding) of Steve Jobs' oft-quoted quote, "Good artists copy, great artists steal." Most often used in reference to the "theft" of Mac OS' GUI, but more recently used to describe hardware designs.
#4 & 5
Posts of this nature use the (falsified) ownership of Apple products as a "ground", to which is tethered the point of trolling. The rationale here is that if the trolling statement is being made by an owner of an Apple product, it will automatically be accepted by the community as valid and representative of an actual condition within the ecosystem (or what have you).
Most often applied to the iPhone, it has recently begun to be applied to the iPad. If the device looks the same on the outside, they posit, then nothing at all has changed on the inside, and so Apple has gone another [timeframe] without an update, but is lying to the public in claiming the new device is "new".
Note that this is never applied to their computers, where historically the case design changes far less rapidly. Note also that this is never applied to PCs, as the condition is the same there. Generally this kind of troll is a member of the Android branch of the Anti-Apple Brigade, as Android phones change case designs every time a member of that product line is updated, and the design of the case is different across every product line within every company.
Even when Apple has spent millions to invent an entirely new method of manufacturing or put into production the highest-quality [component] in the history of technology, this troll claims that more could have been done. Sometimes existing, physically or operationally inferior products, are referenced.
#14 & 15
Unfortunately, these are helped along by the rumor community itself. Rather, the outlet websites for Apple rumors. They will often post everything that comes their way, regardless of logic, resulting in the already grand hype before every Apple event being raised to truly unappeasable levels.
But that's where the rumor sites stop. After events, they don't post "Where was the [product]?!" articles, and so the trolls pick up the "slack".
An old classic. "Apple is just a marketing company," is the most popular iteration of this. Pretending that Apple products only sell to anyone at all because of the way they are marketed is probably as old as Steve Jobs' return.
The infamous "rounded rectangle" statements.
Trolling along these lines operates under the purposely erroneous belief that Foxconn, et. al. are directly owned by Apple, Inc. and the employees thereof are similarly "owned".
Rebuttals referring to other companies' use of Foxconn, as well as worse conditions often found in their care, are usually ignored.
Collaborative effort now courtesy:
RobM, BestKeptSecret, JeffDM, sr2012, Tallest Skil, PhilBoogie, Marvin, 1stGenRex, and bananaman
Edited by Tallest Skil - 11/8/13 at 6:45am