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Time Machine: Possible Stories for Monday

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
OK, here's my little bit of creative energy to add to the fodder. I invite everyone to come up with additional stories!

Announcements Change The Face of Everything:

Apple Delivers Quantum Leap in Computing

Apple Computer's Steve Jobs today delivered on the hype of the past seven days by announcing a sweeping new line of products powered by a new chip developed by Apple and IBM. The new chip, a derivative of the Power4 processor, dubbed the Power4C, combines the raw processing power of IBM's Power4 with a newly designed SIMD unit, dubbed AltiVec II.

"The biggest challenge we faced in adapting the Power4 for PC use was throttling back the power consumed by this amazing chip. Our engineers worked hand in hand with IBM and we are utterly thrilled with the end product." said Apple Computer's Steve Jobs.

IBM's Lou Gerstner stated "The amount of cooperation involved in the development of this chip is unprecedented and signals a fundamental shift in the way we research and develop products. Truly, the sum of the parts has derived a chip that passes the competition in a quantum fashion"

Indeed, the stated and demonstrated performance increase over past processors, both PPC and x86, leaves us grasping for an appropriate way to describe the change. A standby of previous Apple Expos, the Photoshop Bake Off left the 1.8 GHz Pentium 4 still rolling the dough. This time the bakeoff featured a 300MB file being put through a set of 100 filter tasks. This was a slight modification from previous bakeoffs when the set of filters used could be argued as chosen simply to take advantage of Apple's AltiVec extensions. The new Power4C completed the tasks in 1:30. The Pentium4 completed the tasks in 4:50.

As it became clear that the Pentium 4 was woefully behind, the crowd of Apple fanatics stood and cheered. Steve jobs, barely audible over the crowd, said "Clearly, the competition is over. We have created a paradigm shift so significant that it recalls the changes wrought by fire, steam power, electricity, and the personal computer. This redefines everything."

The new systems outlined were announced as immediately available.

edit: spelling

[ 01-03-2002: Message edited by: Hi Ho Quicksilver ]</p>
Still waiting for a PowerMac that is a significant jump in performance from current levels.
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Still waiting for a PowerMac that is a significant jump in performance from current levels.
Reply
post #2 of 12
I liked the last bit ... made for a nice punchline.
post #3 of 12
"Sorry folks...I have a bad case of the flu *cough, sniff* so I am gonna cut this short. New CRT iMacs, G3 up to 800 Mhz, Super Drive is now a BTO option if you dare. *sniff* Phil Schiller will now discuss our new digital photography app, iPhoto. Oh. And One more thing. My used hanky will be sold on eBay. See you at MWNY. It is gonna blow you away. Start counting the months, days, hours, and minutes. Let's all give Phill a nice "round" of applause" *cough, puke*

Horned_Frog, in tragic dismay, goes and buys a Wintel with a 1.7 Ghz Athlon.

--Always the pessimist, aren't I?

[ 01-03-2002: Message edited by: Horned_Frog ]</p>
post #4 of 12
Um, change "quatum" to "quantum" and you've got yourself a winner.
Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon @ drewprops.com
Oldest Member of AI (Jan 99) until JRC snaps to his senses and starts posting again. (the blackout borked my join date)
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Steve Jobs ate my cat's watermelon @ drewprops.com
Oldest Member of AI (Jan 99) until JRC snaps to his senses and starts posting again. (the blackout borked my join date)
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post #5 of 12
[quote]Originally posted by Hi Ho Quicksilver:
<strong>OK, here's my little bit of creative energy to add to the fodder. I invite everyone to come up with additional stories! (snip)
The new systems outlined were announced as immediately available.

edit: spelling

[ 01-03-2002: Message edited by: Hi Ho Quicksilver ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

That was flippin' brilliant.
.racecar.
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.racecar.
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post #6 of 12
With apolgies to the Onion:

Mothership Apple Delivers the Funk

Cupertino, CA - Apple Computer's Steve Jobs rolled out the entirely new product line-up for funky Macfans everywhere. Leading the show was the iMacadocious, a totally "groovy and funktastic blend of looks, performance and versatility."

The iMacadocious is the ultimate booty-quakin computer on the block," proclaimed Steve Rumpshaker Jobs. You can get your groove thing up on the downstroke just like that. iMacadocious sports a G-thang Processor, running at 1 GHz. It it is small, sleek, and decked out in coduroy and rhinestones, not to mention sparklies.

Also announced was the new iBook, codenamed Th Mastablasta. Th Mastablasta features a groovalicious stereophonic speaker system bringing the funk in full digital dynamic sound. Built around the same G-thang processor, Th Mastablasta tops out 900 cold chillin MHz.

Rounding out the big hardware announcements was the Chocolate City Sexpress, or the new Powermac desktop workstation. It wants the funk, its gotta have the funk, remarked Jobs. The Chocolate City Sexpress sports a blazing, hot, sweaty, stanky UltraG-thang, at speeds of up to 1.6 GHz.

Pentium aint got no game, proclaimed Phil Schiller, VP of Technofunk.

Other announcements included iPhoto, a photoediting software suite, and iSlap, which is Apples foray back into the handheld computer market. The iSlap separates the pimps from the hos exclaimed Schiller, and anyone who aint down with it gets a beatdown.

The new systems outlined were announced as 'available immediately' unless, you a sucka, in which case you were to be pitched to the curb, and told to wait 4-6 weeks.

SdC
My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
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My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
Reply
post #7 of 12
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by suckfuldotcom:
<strong>With apolgies to the Onion:

Mothership Apple Delivers the Funk

&lt;snip&gt;

Pentium aint got no game, proclaimed Phil Schiller, VP of Technofunk.

&lt;snip&gt;

SdC</strong><hr></blockquote>

omg... that was too funny! bravo!

Anyone else got game??? bring it!!!
Still waiting for a PowerMac that is a significant jump in performance from current levels.
Reply
Still waiting for a PowerMac that is a significant jump in performance from current levels.
Reply
post #8 of 12
"Hey folks...here it is. iTravel...to demonstrate, I will go back in time to Thirsday night and change the results of the first half the pathetic performance by the Nebraska Cornhuskers. (Don't I wish )
post #9 of 12
I hate Nebraska, they stole the National Championship frm Penn State in 1994!
post #10 of 12
Near the end of the keynote Jobs has given us very fast 2 Ghz G5 computers and updated the entire product line. People are pretty happy and think it may have lived up to the hype...but then Jobs raises his hands and says QUIET! Jobs says excitedly, "Oh, and there is one more thing I want to show you."

Now keep in mind that Jobs has demoed OS X and everything already and there is seemingly nothing left to show us.

Jobs sits down at his G5 and does not touch the mouse and just starts speaking to it. Jobs just starts having a conversation with his computer. Totaly unscripted, Jobs says to the Powermac, "How's Mac World been so far for you?"

::::Crowd ROARS:::

Jobs then asks random people in the crowd to come up and TALK to his computer that Jobs lovingly named HAL.

MAYBE IM CRAZY. MAYBE THATS REASONABLE YET BEYOND?

[ 01-03-2002: Message edited by: Macintosh ]</p>
post #11 of 12
Dateline MacWorld San Francisco: The first clue that this would be an Expo unlike any other came when guests at the Keynote, noted that the hall was about 20 degrees colder than normal. As the crowd shivered through the requisite 20 minutes of Beach Boys Music, confusion reigned. who was in charge of the thermostat? Had they lost their mind? Soon enough, Apple's CEO Steve Jobs took the stage and the audience did their best to ignore the cold.
Without a complaint the audience shivered through the recitation of Apple's progress with OS X and Apples digital lifestyle vision. When Jobs said "We have some great things to show you today." almost as one the crowd leaned forward in their seats. The lights came up on a bubble gum pink iMac, quite obviously it had a LCD display but it still had some curve to it, rather like a coke bottle. Jobs rattled off the great technical specs of the machine, while the crowd fidgeted. Some of the sharp eyed members of the crowd noticed the Lemon Yellow and Grape Purple iMacs in the shadows, all eyes were firmly fixed on Jobs again when he with an almost obscenely slow motion licked the back of the iMac from bottom to top. "And best of all" said a grinning Jobs "the new iMacs have an edible case, just the thing for when you need a snack. Forget wearable computers, the Mac really is lickable". Jobs went on to announce three flavors, bubble gum, grape and lemon, with snap on "flavor panels" for when you need a refill or just want a change. AS the crowd looked on in disbelief, Jobs introduced the all new PowerMac G5s in an all black case. Jobs recited the Specs and then took a bite out of one of the cases! :eek: The new PowerMac G5, available in Licorice or Dark Chocolate. Phil Shiller came out, looking a little heavier than expo regulars remembered. and staged the usual "Photoshop bakeoff" where of course the G5 smeared the Pentium 4. After the Photoshop bakeoff, Jobs and shiller enjoyed an ice cream sundae on stage, topped in melted dark chocolate from the steaming G5. With a dollop of chocolate on the end of his nose, Jobs smiled and unveiled a 10 foot tall poster with the familiar Apple Logo and Name and a new slogan "You are what you eat"
"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
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"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
Reply
post #12 of 12
It is funny how Schiller always gets thrown into the mix.
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