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The "real" MWSF announcement ;)

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
As reported by Joe "Schmoe" Jones (freelance reporter):

The biggest secret in Silicon Valley history has leaked to the press: Apple Computer's "BIG, BIG, BIG" announcement is the discontinuing of the G-series CPU; and the introduction of a whole new computing paradigm: Hamster-powered Macs!

According to insiders, Apple was struggling to break the GHz clock-cycle barrier. Apparently Apple discovered in late 2000 that the G-series was not going to cut it and would likely have to be scrapped. According to a well placed insider, "We suspected during early testing of the G4 that there were going to be scaling issues, but we figured if we delayed introduction of the chip, and periodically introduced minor speed enhancements, that we could hold off the wolves [customers] until we had worked out the kinks, or worse-case, had something new to replace the G4."

Reportedly Steve Jobs was not to pleased with these early reports about the future of the G-series chips; in fact in a senior management meeting reportedly held in November, 2001, Jobs was first made aware of the problem. According to attendees, he didn't take the news to well, exclaiming, "You're yanking my d!ck right? Someone please tell me today is f#ckin' April fools day!"

"Bob" at IBM, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say "Early on we realized there were shortcomings to the G-series architecture, which is the real reason why we [IBM] decided to stay away from the G-series production for so long. Of course, given the way Apple was dragging the G4 out, we saw the opportunity to make money scaling the G3, of course even we couldn't predict how many people would actually upgrade just to get a faster G3. Yep, IBM has done pretty well that little scam [sic]."

Apple was frantic. It needed a successor to the G4 that would placate the masses and hopefully help it to break ground in the fight over market share. An engineer within the house of Apple described the day the G4 successor was found: "[...] Later we were presenting our designs to ole' SJ and by the look on his face he was not to impressed. The whole 'Beat the Clock' design team started sweating over the meltdown that we felt was about to come. I couldn't let that happen, I mean that cable movie didn't show the half of it, when SJ blows, watch out Mt. St. Helen cause there's nothing like an SJ eruption! I had to think of something on the spot, and then it hit me! My daughter had just gotten her first pet: a hamster. Have you ever seen how fast hamsters spin those exercise wheels? Hell, if we could harness that power, we could surely break the GHz barrier! Before I knew what I was saying, I just blurted it out, and then I closed my eyes and waited for the end. To my surprise, nothing happened, at least not immediately."

As it turned out, Jobs was stunned by the suggestion, he reportedly opened his mouth to speak, and nothing happened. According to another attendee of this fateful presentation, "We thought we were going to have to call 911; I mean, Stevie is never short of words, yet here he was, quiet as a church-mouse with his mouth just hanging open!" "When Steve finally spoke, it was amazing! He had grasped the hamster idea and synthesized it into something greater than anyone imagined!"

Within 3 months of development of the hamster-powered Mac, Apple had already broken the GHz barrier, but that wasn't good enough for Jobs. The soon-to-be CHO (Chief-Hamster-Officer) commented on the day they broke the GHz barrier: "It was a glorious day! We had a model 5 Hamster cranking away and we were ready for the final test. Of course Steve wanted to be there so we waited; once Steve arrived, the test began. It worked flawlessly! The whole group excitedly turned to Steve to see his reaction. He said, 'That's good for our consumer line, but what do you have for our Pro line?' and then he turned on his heel and walked away. The group took the challenge personally, and within 2 months we were up to 1.6 GHz; in another month we were at the cusp of breaking 2 GHz! We didn't inform Steve of our progress, we worked around the clock, and then, it happened: Model 8 broke 2.1 GHz without breaking a sweat! Steve was pleased."

When asked about lifespan of the new Hamster-powered Macs our source became rather tight-lipped. When pressed he would only tell us that the normal life-span of a hamster is 2 years; however, he assured this reporter that speedier models would be available every 8 months and that most consumers would opt for a faster model when the fateful EOL (end-of-life) occurs. When asked if the Hamster-powered device was modularized, and therefore allowing an easy means to remove the current Hamster and replace it with a new one--thereby allowing the consumer an upgrade path without purchasing a new Mac--he declined to comment.

When asked to comment on this story Steve Jobs had this to say:
"I just want to say one word to you - just one word."
"Yes sir" I replied.
"Are you listening?"
"Yes I am."
"Pigmy-hamsters"
"I'm sorry Mr. Jobs, but isn't that two words?"
"No, it's one, can't you see the f#ckin' hyphen?!"

Copyright 2002 All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, redistributed, or believed.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to any actual persons, companies, pets, or in-laws, living, dead, or fake is not intended. It's just a f#ckin' joke after all!
post #2 of 15
I'm not laughing.
post #3 of 15
I am

Maybe it's the two bottles of Moosehead, though.

-robo
post #4 of 15
[quote]Maybe it's the two bottles of Moosehead, though.<hr></blockquote>

Must be.
post #5 of 15
Yeah probably. Keep jokes to less than one paragraph please.
*Registered March 1, 1999*
Member #14
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*Registered March 1, 1999*
Member #14
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post #6 of 15
6 Months after the products introduction Apple is faced with a massive PR fiasco when it it discovered the hamster wheels had a tendency to suffer catastrophic failure, leading to PHE (Premature Hamster Ejection). The clincher was a dateline NBC story that ran footage from a Suburban Chicago school. The footage showed an iMac with a spread-eagle-hamster-shaped (one word) hole in its side, the camera then panned to the splattered classroom window. Apple CEO Steve Jobs declined comment.

Edit: foasco -&gt; fiasco, I'm really stone cold sober, honest

[ 01-04-2002: Message edited by: BobtheTomato ]</p>
"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
Reply
"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
Reply
post #7 of 15
Hahaha.....now that blew me away. I just fell off my chair.

In all honesty, that would make a great dead-pan humor publicity stunt. Too bad someone else thought of it.

Thanks...I feel much better now. Whatever Apple announces, I'll always know it could be worse.

.: Michael
A mind once stretched never returns to its previous dimensions. Stretch baby stretch.
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A mind once stretched never returns to its previous dimensions. Stretch baby stretch.
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post #8 of 15
I found the <a href="http://home.earthlink.net/~mrmando/tonio_k/Lyrics/rodentlyrics.htm#19" target="_blank">theme Song for the New Power Mac Hamster</a>
"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
Reply
"Moo" said the chicken
"Cluck" said the cow
Dr. Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with glee
Reply
post #9 of 15
[quote]Originally posted by BobtheTomato:
<strong>I found the <a href="http://home.earthlink.net/~mrmando/tonio_k/Lyrics/rodentlyrics.htm#19" target="_blank">theme Song for the New Power Mac Hamster</a></strong><hr></blockquote>

how do you people find stuff like this??

reposted, for your convienece:

this isn?t a song
it?s a speech
it?s a speech with a beat
and i say:
what energy crisis?
what international situation?

we?ve got no problems
these are often my replies to the questions
the people say:
you seem to be a thinking kind of guy
you seem to like to talk about it
you drone on and on and on about what?s wrong
so you tell us pal?what it is?
i say:

hitch it up?it?s immune to fear and pain
hitch it up?it hasn?t got a brain
right down through the ages they?ve been searchin? for the answer
hitch it up right now?harness the hamster

now i?m not talkin? about just any damn hamster
no asian grey?no european black
i am of course talking about the fabled golden hamster of aleppo
discovered in the syrian desert in 1930
the golden hamster is relatively disease free and has a life expectancy of two years
gestation period: 16 days, average litter: 7
the fastest breeding mammal in the world
think of it
figure it out
factor it out
statistically it?s 4.77 x 1015 hamsters per year
from each pair we breed in captivity today

(chorus)

think of it:
petroleum based industry converts and the machines burn hamsters
for the home: hamster burning furnaces, hamster ranges and ovens
then you have your foodstuffs:
hamster and eggs, hamster sandwiches, grilled hamster and cheese, pressed hamster
an immediate end to hunger world wide
you could:
use the coats for clothing, carpets, insulation?anything
for those who can?t convert immediately:
teams of tens of thousands of hamsters harnessed to existing automobiles
the station wagon becomes a stage coach?the old west lives!
the possibilities are limitless!

(chorus)

hamsters for peace
the friendly hamster
and even more important in these dark times:
hamsters serving proudly for the national defense
picture it: armies of millions?billions?of combat trained
golden hamsters amassed along the perimeters of the western world
hamsters trained in espionage
homing hamsters
hamsters fueling both long and short range delivery systems
sophisticated hamster launches
heat-seeking hamsters
biochemical applications:
infect and send them scurrying across the borders
i tell you the possibilities are absolutely limitl?etc.

[It goes on and on; you get the point.]


-Paul
125/51041 (top .2449%)-Amie Street - awesome independent DRM-free music
People really have got to stop thinking there is only one operating system, one economic system, one religion, and one...
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125/51041 (top .2449%)-Amie Street - awesome independent DRM-free music
People really have got to stop thinking there is only one operating system, one economic system, one religion, and one...
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post #10 of 15
Thread Starter 
Junkyard Dawg: What, no funny bone?
post #11 of 15
[stolen Steve Jobs script for MWSF]

"Hi. We've got a lot to do, so let's get started.

"Apple is pleased to announce a bunch of new stuff that will absolutely astonish most viewers of the broadcast today.

"Sadly, no matter what we do, there will always be a few bitter diehards, who somehow miraculously expect Phil Schiller himself to swing by their house, drop off an armload of free stuff and fellate them as if he had the lips of God himself.

"Oh, and that idiot Dvorak.

"But I don't want to talk about our critics. I want talk about our products, and how they will make our users the most productive they can be.

"So, anyway, here they are!

[snip]

[edit: 2 hours of: fastest powermac ever, fastest iBook ever, faster powerbook, ever, all new fastest iMac ever, new this, mew that, better software, more partnerships, biggest user base ever, most advanced OS ever, and this totally new thing you didn't even expect]

[snip]

"Now some of you will not be satisfied with this. To all of you who somehow keep wishing for things that don't exist, or can't be made to generate profit for Apple, I can only say: Get help. These delusions are going to make you sick, sad, and pasty like Bill Gates, or lumpy, jumpy, and weird, like Steve Ballmer.

"Good day everyone, and I'll see you down on the show floor of the convention!"

SdC

[ 01-04-2002: Message edited by: suckfuldotcom ]</p>
My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
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My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
Reply
post #12 of 15
Thread Starter 
[quote]Originally posted by suckfuldotcom:
<strong>[stolen Steve Jobs script for MWSF]

Sadly, no matter what we do, there will always be a few bitter diehards, who somehow miraculously expect Phil Schiller himself to swing by their house, drop off an armload of free stuff ...

[ 01-04-2002: Message edited by: suckfuldotcom ]</strong><hr></blockquote>

Wait, you mean Phil isn't coming??? I picked up some f#ckin filet mingons to serve for dinner; he better goddamn show up!


post #13 of 15
haha
post #14 of 15
LOL

Phil will pretty much do ANYTHING for a juicy steak.

SdC
My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
Reply
My signature irritates people. However, my cat can still jump a watermelon, and the Apollo is the next chip coming to the Powermac line. Although, at this point, I'd believe that Cyrix is the next...
Reply
post #15 of 15
AN DIS GOTS TA DO WIT FEATURE HARDWERE WAT?
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