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A girl issue...

post #1 of 42
Thread Starter 
Hi everybody, I've been dating my girlfriend off and on now for four months and I'm looking for some insight from people who are wiser than me.

She and I had a few mis-starts where I wound up breaking up with her because I was afraid of us not working out. On top of that, I had some drama with a previous girlfriend and she had some drama with a friend of hers. But we both keep coming back to each other, and I know, at least on my part, that I am very happy with her, until I start to get inside my head. I have an over-active imagination and issues with insecurity and mis-trust. I know where they came from and why I have them, but the truth is that I'm not really ready to deal with them.

All of that said, does anybody have any suggestions on how to cope, combat, or accept the doubts I make up? I know they are irrational, because if she wanted to be with the "other" guy (the other guy is a friend of ours... she has known him for a lot longer than i have. they never dated, but got intimate occasionally, which i can accept. but he's professing feelings for her now, and that frightens me) then she would have chosen him when she was presented with the option. (I didn't present her with the choice, he did, and she told him that she was going to wait for me). But their friendship means a lot to her, and I don't want to tell her that she can't have it, because I know how wrong that is and how stupid it is for me to have these doubts.

So... thoughts, stories, suggestions? I've made up my mind to be with her, but like I said, I could use a perspective that isn't my own.
post #2 of 42
All three of you need to grow up.
"In a republic, voters may vote for the leaders they want, but they get the leaders they deserve."
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"In a republic, voters may vote for the leaders they want, but they get the leaders they deserve."
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post #3 of 42
here is how you can tell:

rate your attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10: X
rate her attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10 : Y

if the difference between X & Y is > 3, you're gonna be SOL, especially if you're still in college.

this is why:
- if she's hot and you're not, then other, more confident men will hit on her a lot, one of whom is bound to have a couple things in common with her. you won't feel confident enough to get involved, or you'll feel you're being out-leagued and then say something and then she'll claim you're paranoid and eventually have a night or so with some guy in a dirty white baseball cap, and then your relationship will be hosed.

- if you're good looking and confident and she isn't, then you'll get drunk one night and cheat on her, just because you can. this will breed mistrust and ruin your relationship, of course.

if you're older, some of these rules will be different.

in your case, i'm guessing that she'll eventually leave you for a more confident, alpha male. especially if she's hot.
post #4 of 42
Find a class in your area, and become a co-counselor:

www.rc.org

I don't know how I would have been able to make it through my 20s without it. Any my girlfriend (now wife) was much more attractive than me 8)
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post #5 of 42
You need to feel more secure.

You can't live in the fear of people living you, or others drama. The risk is inherent to our status of human being. We have to live with that.

REMEMBER this : the fear of losing thing should not prevent you to keep them, otherwise you will loose everything, and you will be already dead.

It's a great work on yourself, but you are very lucky. You are young.
post #6 of 42
Thread Starter 
It's not an issue of being insecure about other guys finding her attractive. If I had to, I'd say that the "difference" in our attractiveness is 1, her being slightly more attractive.

We're both nerds though, and I'm not afraid of the geeks that we interact with.

I've got a deep-seated, self-perpetuating, psychological tic when it comes to faith in others. Previously, I dealt with this by running away, but I've grown up enough to know that it's not the solution.
post #7 of 42
Jealousy.

Means you doubt your ability to stay faithful.
post #8 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by zherocharisma
I've got a deep-seated, self-perpetuating, psychological tic when it comes to faith in others. Previously, I dealt with this by running away, but I've grown up enough to know that it's not the solution.

Why on earth are you even in a relationship at all until you work this out?
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #9 of 42
Thread Starter 
I tried that, but there are two problems. the first being that I can't stop thinking about her, because like I said, when I'm not wrapped up in myself I really enjoy being with her. I enjoy being with when I am wrapped up though, she's the first person in a while that seems to understand what I'm going through, and talking to her about it does make me feel better.

The more unfortunate problem is that I'm really just not ready to face the reasons for my insecurites. I know that sounds awful, but it's not something I am willing to deal with at this point. I will have to do it eventually, but for the moment I feel compelled to make the best of things and try to work on them in my own ways.
post #10 of 42
Dude you need to be sleeping with as many nerdy chicks as you can at your age!!!

Once you've married the right woman and start working in the real world....all those crazy nights you had in college are what makes watercooler talk so fun!


....trust me on this one...many years you will look back on my advice (around the same time that lawncare looks fun) and thank me!!
post #11 of 42
Become a fundamentalist Christian and devote your life to campaigning vehemently against sex before marriage.
What is Faith? When your good deed pleases you and your evil deed grieves you, you are a believer. What is Sin? When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up - Prophet Muhammad
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What is Faith? When your good deed pleases you and your evil deed grieves you, you are a believer. What is Sin? When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up - Prophet Muhammad
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post #12 of 42
Who needs other people when you have a computer???

Computers are easy to fix (even windows) compared to people.
post #13 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by JohnnySmith
Who needs other people when you have a computer???

Computers are easy to fix (even windows) compared to people.


format c:
post #14 of 42
I've got to go with Midwinter on this one. You really can't have a successfull relationship unless you are secure in yourself. This is also one of the funnier threads I've seen lately.
post #15 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by zherocharisma
Ihe more unfortunate problem is that I'm really just not ready to face the reasons for my insecurites. I know that sounds awful, but it's not something I am willing to deal with at this point. I will have to do it eventually, but for the moment I feel compelled to make the best of things and try to work on them in my own ways.

Read that quoted passage again. I'll wait.

Done?

Read it again. I'll wait again.

Now listen:

you have an ethical obligation not to foist your fucked-up-ness—of which you are fully aware—onto innocent bystanders.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #16 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by zherocharisma
I tried that, but there are two problems. the first being that I can't stop thinking about her, because like I said, when I'm not wrapped up in myself I really enjoy being with her. . . . blah, blah, blah

Getting your heart broken is a good experience. Just get over it and don't be such a chump next time. I guarantee that your lady friend is not one of a kind. If you think she is, then you're still a chump.
Cat: the other white meat
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Cat: the other white meat
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post #17 of 42
1st. Stop doing the cocaine that's making you so paranoid.
2nd. Try to unite your ex and current girlfriend for experimental joining of groins.
3rd. Restart the cocaine habit after realizing the two were more occupied with each other during the joining of the groins then they were with you.
4th. Become gay.

These are just suggestions of course I mean what do I know I have a perfect relationhip with my Ferret. Thank you Dr. Phil.
When I looked up "Ninjas" in Thesaurus.com, it said "Ninja's can't be found" Well played Ninjas, well played.
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When I looked up "Ninjas" in Thesaurus.com, it said "Ninja's can't be found" Well played Ninjas, well played.
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post #18 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by midwinter
Why on earth are you even in a relationship at all until you work this out?

Because (1) you can't work it out without being in a relationship, and (2) if people abided by this rule, there would be no couples at all.

Insecurities and mental wierdnesses stay hidden unless that part of the brain is being used, and everyone has some wierd stuff upstairs - it is just a matter of how much and what kind.
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post #19 of 42
Challenge yourself. Discuss with her, you are going to try and "open relationship" for a while. You are free to sleep with others, she is free to sleep with others.

If you are both still pining for each other after 6 months then you have a strong relationship that can evolve to something more "permanent" that will have a lot of trust. If you both are fucked up mentally after 6 months then you two are not meant to be together.
post #20 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by e1618978
Because (1) you can't work it out without being in a relationship, and (2) if people abided by this rule, there would be no couples at all.

Insecurities and mental wierdnesses stay hidden unless that part of the brain is being used, and everyone has some wierd stuff upstairs - it is just a matter of how much and what kind.

There is a difference between what you're describing and knowing you have issues that cause pain to others.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #21 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by midwinter
There is a difference between what you're describing and knowing you have issues that cause pain to others.


That's what Prozac is for.
When I looked up "Ninjas" in Thesaurus.com, it said "Ninja's can't be found" Well played Ninjas, well played.
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When I looked up "Ninjas" in Thesaurus.com, it said "Ninja's can't be found" Well played Ninjas, well played.
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post #22 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by sunilraman
Challenge yourself. Discuss with her, you are going to try and "open relationship" for a while. You are free to sleep with others, she is free to sleep with others.


that will be the test--sleeping with someone else and both of you facing each other. sometimes you need to let something free, if it comes back she is yours if not she wasn't. the problem is that it's hard to ACCEPT the answer when it comes. try the serenity prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

also women don't like wimps--men don't like wimps either, confidence might be knowing
1. knowing who you are and your priorities

2. getting to know her and understanding collaboration, it might mean you need to let go.

also, life is too short to worry like this, as time goes on what you think is important now, becomes an after thought as you mature. hey i'm glad i never committed to one of the babes i went with in school, only to find out after ten years they all grew away from my standards of life. now i have the right person. all things come to those who wait (gives you time to figure out what is really worth while--remember city slickers--it's that one thing)

you know, the college years are all about growth anyway and maybe this is just another path for growth. when you're older it won't seem so important...trust me. things change with time.

ask yourself this...is it her or the chase, is it her or someone saying no to you. then it becomes dealing with yourself and ANY relationship will do this to you.
I APPLE THEREFORE I AM
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I APPLE THEREFORE I AM
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post #23 of 42
College is a crazy time. Lots of shit going on. I'm glad you found some solace in geekdom and get to have sex with geek girls too. That's cool. But yeah, in a few years time after college, a lot of the things that seemed soooo immensely important fade away....................................
post #24 of 42
Since 12 I always wanted to have a girlfriend. It took me 10 years to finally meet with and be intimate with girls (and a few guys) that continue to bring a smile to my heart, however brief those encounters were. And all the depression and anger of college days when I was getting none has definitely shrunk quite a bit. And all the girls I wanted to be with when in college, hah, how way off track I was....! (I connect more with geeky lesbian/bi type chicks not "conventional girls", if there is such a thing)

Now I have other challenges (the next phase I guess) -- dealing with and getting over my bipolar disorder.
post #25 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by progmac
here is how you can tell:

rate your attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10: X
rate her attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10 : Y

if the difference between X & Y is > 3, you're gonna be SOL, especially if you're still in college.

this is why:
- if she's hot and you're not, then other, more confident men will hit on her a lot, one of whom is bound to have a couple things in common with her. you won't feel confident enough to get involved, or you'll feel you're being out-leagued and then say something and then she'll claim you're paranoid and eventually have a night or so with some guy in a dirty white baseball cap, and then your relationship will be hosed.

- if you're good looking and confident and she isn't, then you'll get drunk one night and cheat on her, just because you can. this will breed mistrust and ruin your relationship, of course.

if you're older, some of these rules will be different.

in your case, i'm guessing that she'll eventually leave you for a more confident, alpha male. especially if she's hot.

You're forgetting that physical attractiveness, at least of the inborn variety, is a hell of a lot less significant on the male side.
post #26 of 42
Yeah, women set their attractiveness standards lower than guys do. I don't know how many times I've thought, "she is so much better looking than him."
Living life in glorious 4G HD (with a 2GB data cap).
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post #27 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by segovius
Become a fundamentalist Christian and devote your life to campaigning vehemently against sex before marriage.

post #28 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by Placebo
You're forgetting that physical attractiveness, at least of the inborn variety, is a hell of a lot less significant on the male side.

Not true. It's just that cash, power, and/or fame gets women more excited than good-looks, and that the definition of male good-looks varies heavily with geography. For example, south of the Mason Dixon Line you have to be at least 6'2" and 200lbs to be considered good-looking. What can you do to fix this, you ask? Promote soccer, hence making the male sex-symbol du jour a normal-sized guy instead of a steroid-abusing linebacker. There are some Champions League games on ESPN2 this week -- you know what you have to do.

Back on topic, in college, everyone's pretty much the same as far as cash, power, and fame, so it all boils down to attractiveness again.
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post #29 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by Splinemodel
It's just that cash, power, and/or fame gets women more excited than good-looks, and that the definition of male good-looks varies heavily with geography.

Most of what people are attracted to is culture-independant, the same factors that make you attractive (markers for health like hair quality and face symmetry) are true in China and Alabama - it has been studied pretty extensively.

The only thing that I have heard of that matches what you are saying is based on scent - women like men that smell almost (but not exactly) like their father does. It could be that your introduction of soccer would not change things at all, because the 200 lb guys would smell like dad.
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post #30 of 42
The soccer thing was partly a joke, but there is definitely something to be said to the affect that the male sex-symbols in football-country are big guys, and that popular culture undoubtedly has an blanket affect on social issues.

As far as being interested in men like dad, it seems like there are a few possible extensions to this:
1. smell has to do with food intake.
2. smell has to do with perfumes (deodorants, colognes, etc).
3. smell has to do with genes that relate to body size.
4. smell has to do with genes that don't relate to body size.

Aside from 3 and 4, these extensions aren't mutually exclusive. Presuming that smell has any affect towards attraction at all, if 2 is a dominant extension, then it's statistically unlikely that body size should be a source of attraction at all. Although I will say that a lot of fat/big guys I know seem to like old spice high endurance deodorant. If 3 is a dominant extension, then you have your point, but it's also true that big parents tend to have big kids, and it's not just big girls that go after big guys. If 1 is a dominant factor, then perhaps there's some truth to the whole argument, but I'd argue that aside from spice intake or drinking one's own urine, diet doesn't vary that much from one person to the next (within a demographic).

The experiments you cite seem to only be valid for extension 3. I'm sure there's something valid to the results these experiments gathered, but I'm still sticking to my guns: I say pop-culture has a greater affect on establishing the image of sexy than does scent.
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post #31 of 42
Thinking it over further - I think that you are right. At least on weight issues, culture seems to play a big role on what is sexy. The sex appeal of "Twiggy" in the 1970s, and heavier sex symbols in paintings from the 17th centry Europe demonstrate this pretty well.

Cultures where it is expensive to be fat are probably the ones that value heavy people. If food is cheap (and cheap food is more fattening than expensive food) like it is now, then fat is devalued.
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post #32 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by progmac
here is how you can tell:

rate your attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10: X
rate her attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10 : Y


Post pictures and let us decide.
post #33 of 42
Have a threesome... and then post pictures of that.
post #34 of 42
For the record, physical appearance may have some initial influence but I strongly believe actual hormonal physical (physiological) attraction will play the bigger role in this whole thing. Let us know how the threesome goes...
post #35 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by sunilraman
For the record, physical appearance may have some initial influence but I strongly believe actual hormonal physical (physiological) attraction will play the bigger role in this whole thing. Let us know how the threesome goes...

Or the exchange of body fluids.
post #36 of 42
Hmmm... I wonder if we've actually helped zherocharisma or if we've just made him more confused
post #37 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by Splinemodel
Not true. It's just that cash, power, and/or fame gets women more excited than good-looks,

Depends on the woman...

Quote:
Back on topic, in college, everyone's pretty much the same as far as cash, power, and fame, so it all boils down to attractiveness again.

You and I must have gone to different colleges...


Zherocharisma,
you seem to think a lot and do very little. This is good sometimes, but in this case, action is where it's at!
post #38 of 42
My opinion is that if you truly value her you will put her first before all other things.

This is the measure of what we value.

If you value cheating that is what you will do.
If you value your school or education that is what you will put first.
If you value her you will put her first.


I was a mod here and enjoyed it but there came a time when I knew I was looking into the eyes of my future wife and I resigned from being mod here. Why? I needed to focus more time to my Heather.


What you must do is determine what matters to you the most and go from there.

You must make a list of these priorities and have trust in yourself, her, and who knows maybe even God


Fellowship
May the peace of the Lord be with you always

Share your smile, Have respect for others, and be loving to all peoples

Paul in Athens: Acts 17 : 16-34
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May the peace of the Lord be with you always

Share your smile, Have respect for others, and be loving to all peoples

Paul in Athens: Acts 17 : 16-34
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post #39 of 42
Quote:
Originally posted by sunilraman
For the record, physical appearance may have some initial influence but I strongly believe actual hormonal physical (physiological) attraction will play the bigger role in this whole thing.

I am currently reading up on the marriages strategies from social structure and rational choice theories. Social factors play a very importent role, probably as a filter (alongside other filters like biological filters as well).

One interesting point is that divorces initiated by the women can be predicted very strongly by the difference in social status between the partners, at least here in Denmark.
"I reject your reality and substitute it with my own" - President Bush
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"I reject your reality and substitute it with my own" - President Bush
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post #40 of 42
Learn freerunning. Chicks dig that shit.
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