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To Spank or not to Spank

post #1 of 113
Thread Starter 
Hey! I'm talking about children here.. clean up your minds.

As a father of a two year old I am often faced with the question of whether to spank our child or not. Most of the time we don't... but I'll admit there have been a few times when a swat on the butt made all the difference.

In addition, if my son does something that could be very dangerous.. for example playing with an electrical cord, I have slapped his hand.

I think the key is... don't ever do it when you are angry.

What are your thoughts. Please include whether you are a parent or not in your answer.... I've found that many opinions I have had have changed now that I am a parent.
post #2 of 113
Never threaten then not follow through: I think a lot of abuse involving spanking comes from threatening again, and again, and again, until everyone (child and adult) are past reason --- the parent lets the child drive them berserk, and then acts out of rage. If it's more matter-of-fact -- I hate to say "routine" -- it's probably a better thing.

Just don't forget that all kids are different -- some won't press the issue, but then others have definite designs on world domination before they reach 1st grade, and need the parent-child lines of communication cleared from time-to-time.

In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

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In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

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post #3 of 113
I have never spanked my kids, but then I only have girls so the behaviour problems are kind of limited.

For the young ones (5 years or less) I make them sit on the floor until they can tell me what they did wrong. Timeouts and loss of permissions handles the older ones.
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post #4 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by dmz
[i]Just don't forget that all kids are different -- some won't press the issue, but then others have definite designs on world domination before they reach 1st grade, and need the parent-child lines of communication cleared from time-to-time.

I agree.
post #5 of 113
*pinch* Tsst!

That's what you need to do.

 

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“The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff.” 
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post #6 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by e1618978
but then I only have girls so the behaviour problems are kind of limited.

Enjoy life while you can. I have 2 brothers and my Uncle has 3 daughters. We often compare our two families to see which is more stressful. Girls may be mild when young, but in our family, well... hehe buckle up! 8)
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post #7 of 113
I'm guilty; I figured you were looking for sex advice.

Yep, never underestimate us girls. We're not like boys, we like to manipulate. 8)

I was spanked as a child, and I have to say, I stayed out of trouble often, because I knew what I would get later. I think consistency is key. And please, never be afraid of telling them "No." Overindulgent children seem to be a big problem these days. Remember, you're the one in charge, not them.

I'm not even a mother.. figure that one out. \
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post #8 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Ebby
Enjoy life while you can. I have 2 brothers and my Uncle has 3 daughters. We often compare our two families to see which is more stressful. Girls may be mild when young, but in our family, well... hehe buckle up! 8)

I have just graduated my 2nd 18 year old girl - it is easier once you go through it once. The danger period is 14-17, when their body is maturing faster than their judgement, after that you are smooth sailing.
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post #9 of 113
There are certainly some kids that benefit from getting spanked. I guess you have to wait and find out, but if your kid is a brat, then you'll do worse for yourself, everyone else, and for the kid if you don't spank. In these cases it is inconsiderate not to spank.

If the kid is borderline incorrigible, the way I was, it also doesn't hurt to yell at him while taking off your belt -- threatening a whipping. I was never actually hit with a belt, but, wow, I remember it being a sobering gesture.
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post #10 of 113
Your child's behavior during childhood has little to no bearing on the rest of their life, so might as well not make it a painful one.
post #11 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Placebo
Your child's behavior during childhood has little to no bearing on the rest of their life, so might as well not make it a painful one.

I definitely disagree with this. Brat kids grow up to be antisocial adults.
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post #12 of 113
im not a parent but i have plenty of experience on this subject

let me tell you one thing, i love my father with all my heart and respect the hell out of him. but because i grew up my entire life being flat out AFRAID of my dad and the sound of his big belt buckle, i cant hardly show my dad how i feel about him.
i can see it just tears him apart to know that he used to just beat the shit out of us. the first time i EVER saw my dad cry was after a 14 day backpacking/camping trip to Philmont. he was so happy he got to share such an awesome experience with me and i could see how proud he had become of me but it was so incredibly awkward. i learned to respect him and fear him but my love for him wasnt until later in life.
hopefully you understand what im trying to say.
my dad beat us cause that's the only thing he knew (his dad beat him, his sisters and his mom. and my dad hasnt talked to his father in over 20 years b/c of it)

i think my dad finally realized that he had been the father that he grew up hating and still feels bad about it.

in my mind i've forgiven my dad but i have yet to be able to tell him that.

voilence in youth is NOT GOOD.

that being said, i think SPANKING is a must. BUT there is a huge difference bewteen SPANKING and BEATING your child.
i look back and can remember that i was a punk ass of a kid at times and did really stupid stuff that was unneccessary. so i can see that many times i should have been spanked, disciplined, sent to my room to cool down, etc.
but transferring your anger into violence to a child will solve absolutely nothing and just RUIN your relationship w/ your family.

oddly enough, its even made my relationship w/ my sister weird. i've had nightmares of my sis dying and woken up crying and scared sh!tless that it might one day happen. and all i felt like doing was calling my sis and saying "i love you" but to this day i still cant muster up those three words for some reason. being overly disciplened as children didnt seem to affect anything except our emotions and relationships w/ each other.


so, in conclusion (lol), use mild physical discipline tactics WHENEVER necessary. but NEVER cross the line into abuse. NEVER take your anger out on them. WALK AWAY if you get heated. let your wife step in if necessary. teach them to respect you b/c you are their father not because you are stronger and bigger than them. teach them to respect your wife even more than they should respect you. i never treated my mom with enough respect or compassion.

im sure most of this is obvious but to some parents its not. my whole family's emotional structure (or lack there of) is completely f-ed b/c my parents went beyond "spanking".
post #13 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by e1618978
I definitely disagree with this. Brat kids grow up to be antisocial adults.

That's idiotic. You can choose to be whatever you want to.

Plus, a child should know why somethig is wrong and that should deter him, not that doing so causes pain. That's the parent instilling an animal-like fear into their child.
post #14 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Placebo
That's idiotic. You can choose to be whatever you want to.

very true.
post #15 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Placebo
That's idiotic. You can choose to be whatever you want to.

Plus, a whild should know why somethig is wrong and that should deter him, not that doing so causes pain. That's the parent instilling an animal-like fear into their child.

I'm not suggesting physical punishment, but if you don't put some limits on your child's behaviour, he/she will grow up to be a monster. I have seen it over and over - sure, if you are thinking rationally then you can choose your life, but people with no childhood limits do not think rationally.
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post #16 of 113
placebo, you have to make the chid discipline h[er]imself -- at an early age handslapping/paddling will make the child stop and think [in most cases] were they otherwise wouldn't.

Yes, the penalty will give them pause to consider how they are going to choose to behave. That's all paddling is, you don't want to spend 16 years of your life per child controlling their every move -- you have to set limits, but allow choices within those limits, and enforce the rules when they are broken.

In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

Reply

In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

Reply
post #17 of 113
Spanking in moderation is good and I will spank my kids when I have them.
post #18 of 113
A good theory is spank in leu of greater pain/harm; that is, if they are about to touch a hot oven that you have told them not to, spank them before they touch it, make them associate pain with the action, but dont let them get hurt.
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post #19 of 113
Parents who don't spank their kids are raising brats. Just talking never gets anything accommplished. You have to be physical or you're not going to make your point as a parent.

But the problem I found is that a simple swat on the butt doesn't have any effect either. That's really no more meaningful than a stern talkng-to or a time-out.

So now I use cigarette burns on their underarms. It's not debilitating in any way, it just teaches them morals. Parents need to really take charge, and this squeamishness about using real punishment shows in this politically-correct "spanking" that do-gooder parents use. They're raising kids who think they can get away with anything.
post #20 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by BRussell
So now I use cigarette burns on their underarms. It's not debilitating in any way, it just teaches them morals.

Well why don't I just give you my parent's thumb screws while I'm at it. What is the forwarding address again? I'll bring them by personally along with my size 13 boots.

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post #21 of 113
My god, I'm loving the Adsense banners at the top of this thread.

Also, why spanking? That seems kind of perverted when you think about it. Pull a hair out or something.
post #22 of 113
I spank my daughter (she's almost 3), as does my wife. We also use "time out" and "going on break." A break is not a punishment. It's when she goes up in her bed and gets herself together if she has a meltdown, which is usually brought on by being tired.

"Time out" can be for any misbehavior, but most especially if she hits us. We don't want to spank her if she does that.

Spanking is reserved for complete disobediance mostly. It is very effective as an immediate correction. Sometimes she will get a swat AND a time out.

I am not in favor of spanking as a delayed punishment, and not for kids that are say, over 7 year old. My father hit me with a belt, and all it did was create resentment and fear. I will never do that to my children. But spanking for the little one on occasion? I am totally for that.
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post #23 of 113
As a child, I was required to go out and cut the switch with which I would be whipped.
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post #24 of 113
When I'm a parent I'll:

Set limits for the children, be firm but not physcially touch.

And spank the wife.
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post #25 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by ecking
And spank the wife.

post #26 of 113
I have a 2 year old baby. I don't spank him and I have no desire to.

I haven't had any problems controlling his behavior. When you give children options that are acceptable to you and them, there is no need to hit.

If he wants to eat ice cream on the sofa and I don't want him to, I tell him I don't want him to do that because he will spill, and I take him back to the table. If he insists I give him a choice, 'you can climb on the sofa or you can eat your ice cream at the table.' He chooses what he wants to do. This is a simple example, but it works for everything.

I can't really imagine an instance where I would want to hit or threaten him.

And children who are abused and even spanked are more antisocial, they are more likely to be depressed, less successful in school, and more likely to hit or abuse their parents when they are elderly. But if they do, it won't mean they don't love you, right?
post #27 of 113
Thread Starter 
Well... lots of theories on this subject!

My wife and I have both spanked.. or slapped our child's hand on rare occasions. In nearly 100% of those occasions they have been situations where the child was about to cause harm to himself.

Examples: Touching a hot over, playing with an electrical cord, etc.

Generally, providing alternatives when he is doing something we don't want him to do has been enough to stop bad behavior.

I know that at least twice I have slapped his hand during full out temper tantrums... and I also know that that was wrong in my mind... and I felt bad about it. (Hence why the thread was started in the first place)

With the exception of the cig burn idea... all good thoughts. I think we will continue only using physical means when the child is in danger.

Under no circumstances would I harm him more than a swat... I love him too much for that. I do, however, want my child to grow up to be a responsible, moral human being... but I think that kind of 'training' is not something that comes from physical means in any way.

Thanks again for all of your input!
post #28 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by npynenberg
I know that at least twice I have slapped his hand during full out temper tantrums... and I also know that that was wrong in my mind... and I felt bad about it.

I agree that you should not disipline a child for a temper tantrum. The child usually is getting his hard feelings out about something unrelated to what they seem to be mad/upset about - they can be embarrasing when in public, but I usually can take the child off somewhere private and wait until they finish venting.

My theory is that if you stop them from tantruming, then they end up with repressed emotions that come out in other ways later. You definitely should not let them influence decision making via tantrums, but letting them run their course instead of stopping them seems a lot better to me.
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post #29 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by pena2050
I have a 2 year old baby. I don't spank him and I have no desire to.

I haven't had any problems controlling his behavior. When you give children options that are acceptable to you and them, there is no need to hit.

If he wants to eat ice cream on the sofa and I don't want him to, I tell him I don't want him to do that because he will spill, and I take him back to the table. If he insists I give him a choice, 'you can climb on the sofa or you can eat your ice cream at the table.' He chooses what he wants to do. This is a simple example, but it works for everything.

I can't really imagine an instance where I would want to hit or threaten him.

And children who are abused and even spanked are more antisocial, they are more likely to be depressed, less successful in school, and more likely to hit or abuse their parents when they are elderly. But if they do, it won't mean they don't love you, right?

I think that's pretty much how I think about it and how I'd go about it as a parent.
post #30 of 113
Well.

I echo the need to be consistent about punishing your children when they fail to meet the expectations you set out for them. But I think basically any form of non-violent punishment will do. I had "the corner" time-out and I would rather do anything than being sent there. I'd actually have to think of what I'd done and apologize for it. Then I would get a hug.

Way to fuck your kids up, spankers.
post #31 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by pena2050
And children who are abused and even spanked are more antisocial, they are more likely to be depressed, less successful in school, and more likely to hit or abuse their parents when they are elderly. But if they do, it won't mean they don't love you, right?

I'm a product of strict discipline, often physical. I recently graduated college, paying for all the tuition and supplies out of my own pocket. I respect my elders, know right from wrong, and I'm far from depressed. I wouldn't even think of harming another human being... ever. You were saying? Apparently, I don't fit into that particular stereotype.

By the way, I love my parents more than anything in the world, and I know they love me the same way.
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post #32 of 113
Words have meanings.

"Stereotype" is not the right word to describe correlations from statistical data.

Just saying.
post #33 of 113
Statistical data, huh? Where's the links to the said data which would back up those claims?

Oh dear, I must be an anomaly then. And don't worry, I'm well aware of word meanings. It just upsets me when people pigeonhole me according to my upbringing. It's not like that for every single last person. With the rise in shows like "Honey, We're Killing the Kids," "Super Nanny," and "Nanny 911," I think some strict discipline could benefit this new generation of kids. Perhaps there's statistical data behind all that, too?

By the way, to recall your previous statement, I'm not in any way "fucked up," Shawn.
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post #34 of 113
I'm not a parent or anything, but I can't seem to get around that spanking = hitting. Whether it's "out of love" or not, you are still hitting your child. The only lesson i see that it teaches is, "don't do bad things or I will hit you." Thus maybe your kid shuts up, but it seems to benefit the parent (quiet child) more than the child (quiet, but afraid). Hence, I am saying that spanking your child is selfish.
post #35 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Mac_Doll
Statistical data, huh? Where's the links to the said data which would back up those claims?

How should I know?

If you disagree with the claims about the relationship between abused or spanked children and depression, success in school, and so on, you could do some research yourself. Maybe we're wrong even. But stating that's there's a greater likelihood of those outcomes given certain factors like spanking does not mean anyone's stereotyping anyone.

Quote:
Originally posted by Mac_Doll
Oh dear, I must be an anomaly then. And don't worry, I'm well aware of word meanings. It just upsets me when people pigeonhole me according to my upbringing. It's not like that for every single last person.

Alright well the post by that other person you responded to certainly didn't make those claims.

Quote:
Originally posted by Mac_Doll
With the rise in shows like "Honey, We're Killing the Kids," "Super Nanny," and "Nanny 911," I think some strict discipline could benefit this new generation of kids. Perhaps there's statistical data behind all that, too?

Households with practically no discipline are representative of "the new generation" of children?

Bull.

Quote:
Originally posted by Mac_Doll
By the way, to recall your previous statement, I'm not in any way "fucked up," Shawn.



Well, I saw your myspace.

post #36 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by ShawnJ
Well. . . I had "the corner" time-out and I would rather do anything than being sent there. . .

Pssh, the "corner time-out" followed by a hug is how you turn good, American kids into sissy pinkos.
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post #37 of 113
You're all also forgetting that positive incentives encourage self-control in the child rather than instinctive flinching away from something because pain is associated with it.
post #38 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Splinemodel
Pssh, the "corner time-out" followed by a hug is how you turn good, American kids into sissy pinkos.

Damn straight!
post #39 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Placebo
You're all also forgetting that positive incentives encourage self-control in the child rather than instinctive flinching away from something because pain is associated with it.

Obviously, you hate the idea of spanking. I can't say exactly why this is, but I think it's pretty fair to say that one kid can be very different than the next, and it's foolish to try to prescibe blanket policy. It's pretty evident that spanking can have positive results on some children, while other forms of correction have little impact on them.

Finally, any male who has an older brother has the flinch instinct. It's one hell of a stretch to say that younger brothers are subconsciously disadvantaged.
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post #40 of 113
Quote:
Originally posted by Splinemodel
It's pretty evident that spanking can have positive results on some children

You and Stewie Griffin share an opinion.

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