or Connect
AppleInsider › Forums › Other Discussion › AppleOutsider › Dad problems
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dad problems

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
My dad and I never talk and usually dads teach me how to catch a ball but he never did it was always my sister and when I see a card or something with a dad and a son happy I start crying and thinking why can't he be like that? Today he distoryied my baby blanket I cried for an hour and come to think of it I never liked him
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
post #2 of 16
Well, you could talk to him about it. At the very least, he'll be aware of how you feel and it'll force him to either ignore, deny, or fix the problem. Either way, you'd be doing about as much as you can. If that doesn't work, well, just focus on the good relationships with the rest of your family that you have, and you can try to be a good father yourself some day.

*Anyway, I really don't feel a 13 year old should be posting on the internet.
post #3 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShawnJ View Post

Well, you could talk to him about it. At the very least, he'll be aware of how you feel and it'll force him to either ignore, deny, or fix the problem. Either way, you'd be doing about as much as you can. If that doesn't work, well, just focus on the good relationships with the rest of your family that you have, and you can try to be a good father yourself some day.

*Anyway, I really don't feel a 13 year old should be posting on the internet.

Why, oh why, would you say such a thing?

13 years or 3, as long as someone has the emotional & intellectual capacity...coupled with the desire to use the 'net...I say let them do as they will. IMO, posting is _certainly_ a lot better than spending hours & hours blasting baddies in WOW or Doom 3. I believe posting on forii (forums) helps to develop social intelligence & facilitates learning in general - esp. on a site such as AI with its highly educated members.

Of course, if the web is used to the point of excluding living in the "real" world...then that, for me, becomes an issue.
an aye for an eye, the truth is a lie; a fish cannot whistle & neither can I.
Reply
an aye for an eye, the truth is a lie; a fish cannot whistle & neither can I.
Reply
post #4 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by MacBookAir77 View Post

My dad and I never talk and usually dads teach me how to catch a ball but he never did it was usually my sister and when I see a card or something with a dad and a son happy I start crying and thinking why can't he be like that? Today he distoryied my baby blanket I cried for an hour and come to think of it I never liked him

father/son relations are often very difficult for both the father & the son. I feel this is especially so in a culture such as we have here in the USA. By that I mean, we usually have no rites of passage...no real defining of what roles we are expected to play out as a parent or child, etc. From what I remember of that time in my life, everything seemed so haphazard and vague and confusing. I recall wondering, "Where is the book which explains how this life stuff is supposed to work?" As I learned more of other cultures in school, especially so-called primitive cultures, I wished we in this culture had rites of passage & a passing down of knowledge (from the elders) of maps & models for how to be alive.

I agree with ShawnJ's advice - talk to him about how you feel. Your father won't necessarily agree with you (or maybe he will!), but at least you will be true to yourself and your feelings. That is the important part - being true to your feelings & respecting your father (and others) at the same time. Sometimes children are smarter than their parents. Also, most likely, you and your father will be alive for a long time. What doesn't work now may end up working out years from now...which is how things ended up in my own family.

Good luck!

edit: it sounds like your father wants you to be a man & wants you to grow up. He destroyed your childhood blanket? Did you ask him why? I encourage you to talk with your father. What he says may seem hurtful to you, but I think it will help you to feel better about him & yourself if you at least understand where he is coming from. This doesn't mean you have to meet his expectations of you & it doesn't mean you have to like where he is coming from. Sometimes Dads are just dicks.
an aye for an eye, the truth is a lie; a fish cannot whistle & neither can I.
Reply
an aye for an eye, the truth is a lie; a fish cannot whistle & neither can I.
Reply
post #5 of 16
Advice to any fathers or fathers to be:

Toss the ball with your kid at least every few months, just to get that cliché out of the kid's subconscious when he grows up.

Here's my story... I too resent my dad for not tossing a ball with me or teaching me to ride a bicycle (I finally taught myself when I was 9).

But he also did do some nice things with me. Several summers in a row he and I went backpacking into the Sierras. Those were some of the best memories of my childhood. We also once took a road trip together up to Northern California which I remember with fondness.

The rest of the time he was drunk on gin in his bedroom watching ESPN. At least he wasn't really physically abusive, and definitely wasn't emotionally abusive.

So all in all, things could have been worse, but they could have been better.

Which is what I suspect might be the case with Air77 here.

Think about the few nice things your dad may have done with you. I'm sure there were some.
post #6 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by MacBookAir77 View Post

My dad and I never talk and usually dads teach me how to catch a ball but he never did it was usually my sister and when I see a card or something with a dad and a son happy I start crying and thinking why can't he be like that? Today he distoryied my baby blanket I cried for an hour and come to think of it I never liked him

I understand fully where you're coming from, I'm almost 17 and I've never gotten along with my father (though I guess there's a reasonable explanation for me). My dad's always favoured my sister and has never bothered to do anything for me...don't feel as if you're alone, I know exactly what you're going through.
post #7 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by tonton View Post

Advice to any fathers or fathers to be:

Toss the ball with your kid at least every few months, just to get that cliché out of the kid's subconscious when he grows up.

Here's my story... I too resent my dad for not tossing a ball with me or teaching me to ride a bicycle (I finally taught myself when I was 9).

But he also did do some nice things with me. Several summers in a row he and I went backpacking into the Sierras. Those were some of the best memories of my childhood. We also once took a road trip together up to Northern California which I remember with fondness.

The rest of the time he was drunk on gin in his bedroom watching ESPN. At least he wasn't really physically abusive, and definitely wasn't emotionally abusive.

So all in all, things could have been worse, but they could have been better.

Which is what I suspect might be the case with Air77 here.

Think about the few nice things your dad may have done with you. I'm sure there were some.

Well he never took me places or do anything nice to me he never gave me a birthday present (my mom did an iBook and 3 iPods) and if I got hurt he like "shut up who gives a crap!" so Its always my mom and sister that are nice to me or help me
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
post #8 of 16
Air77:

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I'm 22, so 13 wasn't that long ago for me. (you'll probably laugh at that. When I was 13 you were just a toddler!)

Anyway, family relationships are very complicated. I never did get on well with my dad until I was about 20 or 21, and I think the only reason I get on well with him now is the fact I don't live in their house any more. There was always something a bit *inconvenient* about my being there, at least thats what I sensed from my parents. Their attention was always 100% on my sister.

The main bone of contention was when I announced I was going to law school. Apparently I was "a snob" and had "ideas above his station". I laugh hysterically now when I think about this because I'm on my way to a great law degree but at the time their patronising attitude made my blood boil. I was a "bad son" for wanting to be more successful than they were - since WHEN was that a crime? It took me a few years to work out that they were probably jealous, as strange as that seemed.

You said you feel sad when you see "happy" fathers and sons. I have a few friends who, on the surface, seem to come from PERFECT families: loads of money and resources, parents have great jobs yet time for their children, no arguments etc. But every family has problems and issues - sometimes you just can't seem them beneath the facade.

My advice is to talk to your dad and see what he says, especially about the baby blanket incident. Ask your mum too - mothers tend to be sentimental about things like that so I'm willing to bet she has an opinion of some kind.
post #9 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by MacBookAir77 View Post

My dad and I never talk and usually dads teach me how to catch a ball but he never did it was always my sister and when I see a card or something with a dad and a son happy I start crying and thinking why can't he be like that? Today he distoryied my baby blanket I cried for an hour and come to think of it I never liked him

I understand, in many cases there are these "assumed" relationships we are supposed to have with certain immediate or related family members.

NONE OF THESE ACTUALLY HAPPEN THE WAY THEY SHOULD FOR EVERYBODY.

Just keep in mind that you may not get along with your Dad now, maybe you will in 20 years time.

You may get along well with your sister now, but never talk to her in 20 years time.
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
I get along with my sister
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
Im leaving this forum, Wish Me Luck!
Reply
post #11 of 16
Suffice to say that the internet, and certainly this web site, is not a good place to turn to for advice on your father.
post #12 of 16
You need to talk to a supportive adult, your mother??? If not her, perhaps a school counselor. It sounds like you need some help dealing with this situation.
post #13 of 16
Be cool. Stay in school.
post #14 of 16
MacBookAir77:

It takes two to tango -- if you are not "close," be sure you're not blame. I have a 13-year old, (and was actually 13 once.) Also make certain you aren't idealizing how "daddy" and junior are supposed to be -- he's not your peer, he's the guy who should be toughening you up for real life.

Unless your father is physically abusive (and I don't mean spankings), you need to find a way to work with him. He's wiped your butt, sat up nights when you were sick, worries when you are out and about, and keeps a roof over your head, etc. -- that's more than some people get. And it ought to count for something.

I think you will find as you grow older that we tend to be our own problems.

In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

Reply

In our desire to impose form on the world we have lost the capacity to see the form that is there;
and in that lies not liberation but alienation, the cutting off from things as they really are. --...

Reply
post #15 of 16
talk to him, ask him to take like a parenting class, thats what i did
From the one, and only Travis Reynolds. You stay Classy San Diego
Reply
From the one, and only Travis Reynolds. You stay Classy San Diego
Reply
post #16 of 16
Following up on the numerous good advice given I'll just add my 2 cents to the conversation. My grandfather on my dad's side had addiction problems his whole life and wasn't much of a father to his sons.

In fact my father was named after his dad and when he was in his early 20's and had a bank account his father would steal money from his account because they both had the same name which forced my dad to legally change his name. Even though my grandfather got over his addiction a long time ago he still never was a big part in his family's life. Aside from a few visits here and there I never had much of a relationship w/ him and it's something I wish could've been different, especially since my grandpa on my mothers side passed when I was one month old. Probably because of all this, my father has always been there for me which I'm eternally grateful for.

The reason I brought this up is that since your father seems estranged to you and that's extremely unfortunate I want to add that it'll more than likely be a mistake that he'll learn from as you get older and when that happens try not to be spiteful and turn away his attempts at reconnecting w/ you and if you have kids make sure you give them all equal and abundant attention.

On a side note that's not related to this topic, I've always found it regrettably sad that in our society (I'm assuming that most of us here are Americans) parents often see their children as a continuation of themselves not through genetics or a passing of the torch mentality but that of a direct extension of themselves and try to live through their children which often leads to parents trying to dictate what their kids do and recoiling at them should their interests not align w/ their own.

Because of this its also regrettable that when children become adults we tend to push away our parents and put them in senior homes and what not, like a snake shedding it's skin. It's something I've never understood but then again I had the luck of having good parents, a modest upbringing, and growing up and living on a reservation which, while the community is poor, we do have close family ties and a tie w/ tradition...time to get off my soapbox.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: AppleOutsider
AppleInsider › Forums › Other Discussion › AppleOutsider › Dad problems