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Citizens of London: Beware. Tourist Of Death Possibly Coming

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
Denizens of that great metropolis, beware. I have just submitted a grant proposal to fund my greatly feared return to your fine city. If funded, I shall likely be staying in either Bloomsbury or Southwark (it really just depends on whether I want to spend a few extra quid on a room + a nice neighborhood + nice dining + two good pubs + a handy laundrette + a handy liquor store OR save £4 and stay in a crummy dorm and have to step over drunks in the Imax subways and wander through junkie-infested parks by the Old Vic to get to the Tesco).

If funded, I would be most happy to meet anyone interested in having a pint (at the Euston Flyer across from the BL?), likely sometime in May before the American tourists descend upon London and make it unbearable for locals and tourists of death, alike. I will make sure to wear a "W" t-shirt, a "fanny pack," khaki shorts, white tennis shoes and white socks while I stand at the zebra crossing looking the wrong way. You will know it's me for sure by my nasally accent and my constant complaints about how I simply cannot understand your money, how the food portions are too small, and how this place is completely full of foreigners.

If not funded, I will remain here in the US, and you can all know that you will be safe from terrorist attacks.

I will keep you posted.

Hassan, I'm looking at you.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #2 of 14
Look for this very dangerous man in the first floor café at the British Library.



[nb: I will probably not be dressed up as a cartoon terrorist.]
post #3 of 14
Thread Starter 
ATTENTION:

Tourist of death has received funding and will be approaching sometime in late May. DO NOT GO NEAR HIM. IF YOU SEE HIM NEAR A MEANS OF PUBLIC TRANSIT, A MEANS OF PRIVATE TRANSIT (INCLUDING WALKING), A ROAD, A SIDEWALK, A SUBWAY, A LARGE OPEN SPACE, A SMALL OPEN SPACE, AN INTERIOR OF A HOME, NEAR A CHURCH, MUSEUM, OR LIBRARY (INCLUDING THE LAMBETH ARCHIVES), SCREAM IN HORROR, THEN RUN AWAY.

Especially if you're near Brixton.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #4 of 14
Thank goodness I left London around mid-August this year. I suppose you will be seen many times in the vicinity of Regent Street?
post #5 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by nvidia2008 View Post

Thank goodness I left London around mid-August this year. I suppose you will be seen many times in the vicinity of Regent Street?

Har. I couldn't bring myself to endanger all those tourists AND an Apple store!

The only reason I see myself heading there (or Oxford street) is to pick up a new phone at the T-Mobile store.

At any rate, I need an opinion from the Londoners:

Is Brixton really that bad? I mean, do I want to even consider staying there? I obviously don't know anything about that part of town, but its reputation is pretty shitty, and I don't want to get shot by a gang or blown up in a local protest bombing or killed by a cop.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #6 of 14
Brixton is OK. Even fun. The worst part about Brixton is the fifty metre radius about the tube station, which is patrolled by crazy people. The rest is absolutely gravy.

I, however, would recommend you consider residing in nice, safe, middle class Oval or Clapham, or even Elephant and Castle, simply because the cafés, bars and restaurants are superior and because there's no fucking way I'll visit you if you're living in Brixton.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I kid. Brixton's OK. I think it's a place of The Young, as are all ghettoes on the ups, but its reputation isn't deserved at all.

Well, yes, there was that guy who got shot in McDonalds on the High Street, but he probably deserved it.
post #7 of 14
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BRIXTON'S REALLY DANGEROUS!

No, it's not. There's some really extraordinary old Victorian apartments down about Electric Avenue (as in 'We're gonna rock down to...') but there's also some really boring terraces. Brixton is FINE. I had an affair with a girl who lived there and never got mugged, robbed of my bike or hit by a bus, which is unusual for me, so it must be OK.
post #8 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by midwinter View Post

Is Brixton really that bad?

Only in song.
post #9 of 14
Thread Starter 
Ok. Now here's the rub:

I'll be working at both the Lambeth Archives and at the BL (i.e. both north and south ends of town). I would love to stay in Bloomsbury again, but the commute looks like absolute shit from King's X to the Brixton stop on the Victoria line or the (shudder) Northern Line. I hate the Northern Line. Until they get some friggin' window unit air conditioners on that bastard, I don't want anything to do with it.

I've stayed at the King's College dorms in Southwark, but they're dorms and the entrance to them is carefully guarded by junkies who've wandered off from the IMAX or that park across from the Old Vic. Not that I worry or anything; I just sometimes trip over them when I stumble home from the pub.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
post #10 of 14
Thread Starter 
Hrm. There's always this place.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
post #11 of 14
Stay in Bloomsbury again. Fuck it. The Victoria Line's OK, surely?
post #12 of 14
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hassan i Sabbah View Post

Stay in Bloomsbury again. Fuck it. The Victoria Line's OK, surely?

You sound so let down!

My only real concern about going from Bloomsbury is that the commute looks like it'll be longish.
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
Reply
Gangs are not seen as legitimate, because they don't have control over public schools.
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post #13 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by midwinter View Post

You sound so let down!

My only real concern about going from Bloomsbury is that the commute looks like it'll be longish.

I am. Poor Victoria Line.
post #14 of 14
Dear Sir,

I am an un-granted citizen and wish your assistance in the recovery of secured funds, $10,000,000(US)......
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