French War history. Got to love them.......or hate them I forget.
French military History in a nutshell -
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but
claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world
over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most
of the
fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also
French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use
of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the
Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by
a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be
"Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy
baggage."................Toodle...
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of
French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but
claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world
over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most
of the
fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also
French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat
boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use
of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the
Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by
a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the
First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to
Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
not be
"Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy
baggage."................Toodle...
Comments
Heh, this pic is on the <a href="http://www.knbr.com/showhosts/london.asp"; target="_blank">KNBR website</a> right now...
"See what guns survived are grueling drop test gauntlet!" <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
[ 02-18-2003: Message edited by: Eugene ]</p>
<a href="http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/002/237chtif.asp"; target="_blank">Clicky</a>
There are some pretty good french jokes though.
Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy.....To see all their other ships.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.
President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons.Â* He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath.Â* The french ambassador, although, did not understand.Â* It seems there is no word for"bath" in french.Â*
umor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward.Â* Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna.Â* Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped.Â* The others looked curiously at him.Â* "Oh, that was just my pager", said George.Â* "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."
Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.Â* Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped.Â* The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps.Â* I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand.
"By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech.Â* Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily.Â* When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.
It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.
When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte!Â*Â* I'm think I'm getting a fax."
Q: How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?Â* A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before
What color is the American flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the British flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the French flag? White.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?Â* The Army.
(these one is bad)
Q:How do you castrate a frenchmen?
A:Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q:how can you tell if a frechmen has been in your backyard?Â* A:your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.Â* "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.Â* The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM'Â* -Â* the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.Â* The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country."Â* Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'Â* -Â* there was a huge wall around France.Â* The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.Â* The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."Â* The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
There's worse here: <a href="http://www.shush-its-secret.demon.co.uk/Jokes.html"; target="_blank">Hello Charlie Brown!</a>
Sorry in advance!
"more french military history: 1066 conquered england (still there); wins 2 crusades (later forced to withdraw); wins hundred years war (driving their frenglish cousins out of their old turf); ties 30 years war (stopping protestantism dead in its tracks, for a while at least); conquers most of north america (later selling a huge chunk to the u.s. and losing all but a few islands to the english); single biggest contributing factor to military success of the u.s. rev. (mistake, perhaps); with napoleon, conquers (directly and indirectly) most of europe and holds it until ALL of the other powers gang up on them; conquers around half of the landmass of africa, and a tasty bit of southeast asia (held until the 1950s-1970s)."
I know it's a joke and all, but you do know that if you look at a country's military success over a long enough stretch of time, everyone eventually loses? Right?
Egypt? Lost. For now.
Greece? Lost. For now.
Rome? Lost. For now.
French? Lost. For now.
English? Lost. For now.
Germans? Lost. For now.
America? Winning. For now.
It's all fun and exciting to be on the winning end of an empire. Until you're not anymore.
Cheers
Scott
[ 02-18-2003: Message edited by: midwinter ]</p>
<strong>
I know it's a joke and all, but you do know that if you look at a country's military success over a long enough stretch of time, everyone eventually loses? Right?
</strong><hr></blockquote>
this is exactly right. what does the british empire still have? or the spanish? all they have left is britain and spain...
eventually everyone loses, so showing that insanely idiotic list in the first post is as far from relevant as possible.
hell, the germans get more respect than the french, only cause they were dominant for awhile. well guess what. they lost it all! rewind a hundred years from the german dominance--napoleon held a larger empire for a longer period of time, and had only lost it because of his own arrogance. if he played the cards right he coulda taken over the entire world. and...eventually he still woulda lost it. because the world is constantly changing! no matter who wins now, it won't last forever...
Britain did it, France did it...
the United States will follow suit. This may be their last hurrah..
<a href="http://www.philaprintshop.com/frchintx.html"; target="_blank">linkipoo</a>
the french were forced out of North America by the British conquering Quebec... I don't think the 'dsold' anything to America.
<strong>Oh, and a linkiepoo:
<a href="http://www.philaprintshop.com/frchintx.html"; target="_blank">linkipoo</a>
the french were forced out of North America by the British conquering Quebec... I don't think the 'dsold' anything to America.</strong><hr></blockquote>
The Louisiana purchase.
Cheers
Scott
<strong>Oh, and a linkiepoo:
<a href="http://www.philaprintshop.com/frchintx.html"; target="_blank">linkipoo</a>
the french were forced out of North America by the British conquering Quebec... I don't think the 'dsold' anything to America.</strong><hr></blockquote>
the french lost interest in america, mainly because of their continuous revolutions and overthrowing of their governments. during napoleons lil war games in europe, he had no time or interest to be dealing w/ interests on this continent. so he focused his attention on local problems and his expanding empire. to make some money to help fund his plans, he sold the french territory in american rather than put any unneeded resources into a useless american business. is this what yer talking about...?
<strong>A small difference is that the United States never got its power from having powerful economic colonies all over the world.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Right. And while, for the most part, we had all the colonies we needed right here at home, this isn't to say that we don't need to colonize.... But these aren't, as you point out, economic powerhouses for us. We had all that around here. After we took/stole/bought/conquered it, that is.
Alaska (land, oil, land, wood, land, and fish). Parts of Mexico (and hence Texas) (land, land, land, and oil). Hawaii (strategic military position). Philipines (ditto). Guam (ditto). Puereto Rico (no bloody idea why we wanted it).
Cheers
Scott
<strong>There was an interesting little article in the Globe and Mail a while back about how, over the years, a superpower stops being the biggest and greatest and just becomes another country.</strong><hr></blockquote>
You don't say... sounds like some investigative journalism to me.
<strong> [quote]When all the wars have been won, all the terrirtories have been 'governed' and the main goal seems to be maintaining the status quo instead of advancing progress...
Britain did it, France did it...</strong><hr></blockquote>
Lies. All lies!
<strong> [quote]
the United States will follow suit. This may be their last hurrah..</strong><hr></blockquote>
...if they're looking to embarass the French why not mention Dien Bien Phu?... so... much... ignorance.
Just to keep this thread as light hearted as it is st00pid
[ 02-19-2003: Message edited by: serrano ]</p>
<strong>
the french lost interest in america, mainly because of their continuous revolutions and overthrowing of their governments. during napoleons lil war games in europe, he had no time or interest to be dealing w/ interests on this continent. so he focused his attention on local problems and his expanding empire. to make some money to help fund his plans, he sold the french territory in american rather than put any unneeded resources into a useless american business. is this what yer talking about...?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Lost interest? You mean before or after losing most of any territory they held here, to the Brits? You are right about Napoleons...he pulled out to focus on Europe...and because he had no more interest in fighting another losing battle over the Americas.
"But we're French! We don't even have a word for victory!" -Homer Simpson
<strong>
Lost interest? You mean before or after losing most of any territory they held here, to the Brits? You are right about Napoleons...he pulled out to focus on Europe...and because he had no more interest in fighting another losing battle over the Americas.</strong><hr></blockquote>
i think you should look into history a bit before you say things so confidently...
before napoleon, france went through a period called THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. ever heard of it?? the king and queen were decapitated, along with thousands of other people in position of power. from there, they went to the directory, which was worse, and responsible for most of the bloodshed. then came napoleon, who brought some order to a country that had been in turmoil for over a quarter of a century with NO stable leadership. no one in france gave a damn about anything going on in america. they just wanted a stable governmental system and to keep their heads attached to their bodies. napoleon didn't care about america either. he just ruled france the only way he knew how--as a military genius. so what did he do? he took over europe. since france's navy sucked ass, and messing with the americas was below pointless, he bailed out of a useless cause by selling the land they controlled. france hadn't given a damn about the americas since the american revolution (and barely a damn at that), since they had more pressing problems to address...
<strong>but before 1870, france was THE dominant power in europe.</strong><hr></blockquote>
?????????
From 1450 to 1600, What is now Italy was the "place to be" in Europe. All the Science, art and wealth were from this area. Spain was the royal powerhouse, though. Spain sent out most of the great explorers, had lots of army, etc. France wasn't bad, but it was neither Italy nor Spain. In the 1600's the Dutch and Germans made great leaps, France did not. Arund 1650 England started becoming the dominant nation in Europe via industrialization, trade, and a badass navy. By the 1780's France was not a nice place. Dickens put's it well: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. . ." (The "best" refers to London, by the way.) In the years after the revolution, France was an even worse place to be. Then there was Napoleon. . . Still not great. OK. . . so France is a little slow. They always manage to be the last country in Europe to "figure it out." There was a window from 1825 or so until 1914 where France was an OK place to live, but it remained weaker than England in every respect other than art, and also weaker than Germany.
There are accounts (in Latin) from a long that ago that essentially translate to: "The gauls are quick to abandon fighting, and are resistant to revolting. They make excellent subjects to Rome." Even back then the gauls were known for their tendency to drop a sword if presented with a picnic. . . I forget the rough translation of that one.
In my opinion, the French just have a slothful culture, which explains a lot. It's a miracle that they never were annihilated or bred-out.
<strong>I can't believe you guys are trying to refute what was obviously meant as a farce. <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> </strong><hr></blockquote>
He makes a good point. But I do like hearing this too, but so far nobody has been able to point out to me when France was so "great."
[ 02-19-2003: Message edited by: Argento ]</p>