The dreaded "friends" zone (Dear Abby)
This is perhaps an offshoot of the thread I started on the marital status of AI'ers...but here it goes
But being single and dating on a somewhat regular basis, I can't help but fall into that "friends" zone. And by the sounds of it, it's a common problem with others here.
Is there a clever way of finding her feelings (apart from coming right out and asking)?
Heck,it's difficult enough trying to figure out what's going through a women's mind most of the time!
But being single and dating on a somewhat regular basis, I can't help but fall into that "friends" zone. And by the sounds of it, it's a common problem with others here.
Is there a clever way of finding her feelings (apart from coming right out and asking)?
Heck,it's difficult enough trying to figure out what's going through a women's mind most of the time!
Comments
If you have a mutual friend, that's one way to find out how the lady feels.
Or if you're smart, you'll just throw caution to the wind and test the waters with some fancy roses or other small gift. After all, you haven't got much to lose. If there is indeed a bigger connection, she'll likely make it clear after that. If not, well, girls always like flowers even if they're just from "friends".
If you do use flowers, though, you gotta assume that the girl knows the *meaning* of the various rose colors. If you don't know the meanings, I suggest you Google it.
( A ) Tell her that you'd like her to meet your parents..Women "know" what meeting the parents means in their own code book.. if she backs out......she's just a friend.
( B ) If she invites you to her parents...she is saying your possibly more than friends.....unless she's gay & hasn't come out yet or she wants you to be the "presentable nice guy " to her Mom & Dad... !
( C ) If she wants to drag you along to do a " Shop therapy " session with her & I don't mean hardware.....then she is showing you more signs of interest....unless she thinks your gay !
( D ) let her do 90% of the talking...& no matter what she says..don't give advice..women are always complaining of men having to " Fix" their stuff..they'll ask if and when..
( E ) Finally it pays to swat up on some of those Body - Language books. Learn to read the unconcious signs that women put out. They may say they're not interested, but their body postures, stroking hair etc may say otherwise..but be careful..as they may not be fully conscious of their own desires & thoughts...So take your time..& she'll find you...
from my experience it's the best place to work from.
here are the advantages
you find out who she really is, no bullshit involved
you find out if you're interested in who she is when you're not in her pants. this is key. so what if she has a hot body if you're just going to get bored any time she starts opening her mouth to talk.
you can ask her to do all sorts of fun stuff with no awkwardness involved. just have fun together.
sure, you won't be in her pants within the first week this way, but you're much more likely to get a long-term relationship out of it if you can actually be friends first.
if you have fun together, she'll start thinking of you in more than a friend kind of way.
although one of the best ways to get out of the friend zone, if you really want out, is the following.
get to be friends with the girl you want first. (this is key, if she isn't really your friend it will never work)
start dating a different girl, and watch the jealously fly. if your "friend" starts being really critical of the girl you're going out with, or mad that you aren't spending as much time with her, you're halfway out of the friend zone. to top it off, be really nice to the girl you're going out with, then have her break it off. your "friend" will feel really bad for you, since you were such a nice guy and still got crapped on. let her console you. you're now home free.
Originally posted by alcimedes
why exactly do you want to get out of the "friends" zone so badly anyway?
from my experience it's the best place to work from.
here are the advantages
you find out who she really is, no bullshit involved
you find out if you're interested in who she is when you're not in her pants. this is key. so what if she has a hot body if you're just going to get bored any time she starts opening her mouth to talk.
you can ask her to do all sorts of fun stuff with no awkwardness involved. just have fun together.
sure, you won't be in her pants within the first week this way, but you're much more likely to get a long-term relationship out of it if you can actually be friends first.
if you have fun together, she'll start thinking of you in more than a friend kind of way.
although one of the best ways to get out of the friend zone, if you really want out, is the following.
get to be friends with the girl you want first. (this is key, if she isn't really your friend it will never work)
start dating a different girl, and watch the jealously fly. if your "friend" starts being really critical of the girl you're going out with, or mad that you aren't spending as much time with her, you're halfway out of the friend zone. to top it off, be really nice to the girl you're going out with, then have her break it off. your "friend" will feel really bad for you, since you were such a nice guy and still got crapped on. let her console you. you're now home free.
I was clicking into what you said at the beginning but you lost me at the end.
Obviously, I want to still be her friend but have it evolve into a love relationship. I agree lovers should be first and foremost friends. I just don't want to get stuck (as I have in the past) at the friends stage.
It's not like I want to get into her pants right away (although I wouldn't say no
Thing is we've been out together for dinner and a movie once, and a charity auction once. Brunch a couple of times as well. So over the course of 2 months, we've hung out quite a bit. We seem to enjoy each other's company and only lately started to be more "natural" in conversation and comfort level.
I just don't know where her head's at. Perhaps she needs more time before committing herself.
Well, we're taking a 3 day weekend drive/trip together (staying at her friends home), so perhaps things may play itself out during the long drive.
Brad, if I'm in the same boat after the trip, I'll try the flowers idea.
the bit at the end is what you can do to find out if she is feeling like more than just a friend. (assuming nothing jumps out at you)
women in general (not all i'm sure) have serious jealousy issues. if they like a guy and another girl moves in, they freak out and drop into protective mode. this also works in cases where she might like you and doesn't realize it yet. just one way to find out for sure.
although i might not be making myself clear, it was a long night and been a busy day, so if it's confusing nevermind.
I tell you what: speak your mind. Forget all the flowers and all the all the all the all the and the car and the jealousy and all that, just say your mind and don't waste any time.
This is why:
1) She feels like you do. Good. No more time wasted. Happy.
2) She doesn't feel like you do. OK. Now you know. No more gnawing away at yourself.
This is better because:
1) it's honest
2) honesty is good
3) blatancy is best
Just say your thing, don't put a spin on it, don't apologise for your feelings.
Figure out what you want, then move forward on it. Time's too short, and you'll kick yourself for years if you miss an opportunity because you chickened out.
I speak from experience.
Girl I had a crush on all through middle school and high school - we hung out, did things, always got along *great*... solid friends zone. I never said a word.
Found out years later that the crush was utterly reciprocated... about a year after she got married. To a guy who could be my twin.
Be honest, be upfront, and don't beat around the bush.
Yellow roses = friends
White roses = female relative (mom, grandma, aunt, etc)
Red roses = gf, wife, etc. (romantic interest)
Black roses = "I hate you and drop dead"
At least thats how I remember it being expained to me once...and I have NO idea how blue or multicolored roses fit into the scheme.
I agree the "friends zone" kinda blows. However, I think being friends first is really key in a realationship. My gf and I were friends for a good year before we started dating officially, and I think it made for a lot better relationship in the long term. And I know you're afraid to make things "weird" if it turns out she doesn't feel the same way, but no guts no glory, right?
Originally posted by Kickaha
Listen to Hassan....
Figure out what you want, then move forward on it. Time's too short, and you'll kick yourself for years if you miss an opportunity because you chickened out....
Be honest, be upfront, and don't beat around the bush.
Yeah, yeah, it's easier said than done. No one likes to put their neck out on the line and be shot down.
Much easier if she gave a signal or message. Spelling it out in words is much more awkward and obviously less spontaneous.
Originally posted by satchmo
Yeah, yeah, it's easier said than done. No one likes to put their neck out on the line and be shot down.
Much easier if she gave a signal or message. Spelling it out in words is much more awkward and obviously less spontaneous.
Wait for a signal? Good luck. Tick tock, and in the meantime she'll carry on waiting for you to grow the necessary balls.
Say what's on your mind. Is it difficult? Yes. Is getting what you deserve easy? Hell no.
Originally posted by Hassan i Sabbah
Wait for a signal? Good luck. Tick tock, and in the meantime she'll carry on waiting for you to grow the necessary balls.
Say what's on your mind. Is it difficult? Yes. Is getting what you deserve easy? Hell no.
Do this.
It's all good advice (to my amazement). I'll tell you something else, you don't earn extra points for spending a lot of time in the "friends zone." Do you know what I mean? It doesn't do any good to be "friends" for 6 months or 2 years if that's all she wants; waiting in the zone ain't going to help you any.
I had guy friends that were only friends and that's all they were ever going to be because I knew it wouldn't work otherwise. I got along fine with them as friends but there were other "incompatibilities" that completely precluded going any further. But when I met my husband, well, I don't think he spent more than a few hours in the zone.
So yeah, find out.
However, your role in the friendship is likely to be more and more weak.
Then do your best to be seen as a popular person. Bring a lot of very good looking women around her. She will start to wonder if she's perhaps missing something.
And don't make yourself to available. Friends are always available, Lovers are people you wait with baited breath to have time with.
Then their eyes focus, & they all make a bolt for the door....
Gee just because I'm flashing my wedding tackle.....
Its the custom in Whangerstan...
During an extended car trip out of town last weekend, I asked her where she was in her personal life.
It turns out her rather mixed and guarded nature is because she is still off and on with her old boyfriend. She says they have constant fights but always seem to make up.
Well...I guess I'm the fall back guy.. I think I'll just keep in touch with her but ease off on the contact. I don't want to get in the middle of things but maybe one day she'll see the light and leave this guy.
In the meantime, it's time to move on.
Well...I guess I'm the fall back guy.. I think I'll just keep in touch with her but ease off on the contact. I don't want to get in the middle of things but maybe one day she'll see the light and leave this guy.
In the meantime, it's time to move on.
work the jealousy angle. perfect in this situation. make her think you might not be on the market indefinately, and it could be enough to get her to take the jump from ex to you.
(if you're still interested)
if not, then let it go and move on, which could also have the exact same effect, only in this case you wouldn't be interested in her anymore and the irony would be worth a chuckle or two.
edit: sheesh, can't type in the mornings.