U.S. to Give Every Iraqi $3,544.91

in General Discussion edited January 2014
WASHINGTON, DCÑAt a Monday press conference, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced a "change of plans" for the $87.5 billion aid package Congress approved in October: Instead of being used to fund an array of military and reconstruction operations in the Middle East, the money will be divided equally among Iraq's 24,683,313 citizens.

Above: A U.S. aid worker distributes reconstruction funds in Fallujah.

"Yes, we had planned to do all sorts of things with that money, like repair Iraq's power grid and construct new sewers and roads," Rumsfeld said. "But then we realized that, really, there's no reason for us to rebuild Iraq's infrastructure when the forces of free-market capitalism can do it with greater efficiency."

Rumsfeld said that, while the U.S. public's desire to hasten the end of America's presence in Iraq is growing, continued insurgence against the occupation has rendered previous initiatives for political and economic recovery untenable. The situation prompted the Bush Administration to "think more creatively" about its Iraq policy.

"I assure you that our new plan for economic recovery is not only easier, it's better," Rumsfeld said. "If we simply step back and let the market do its thing, a perfectly functioning, merit-based, egalitarian society will rise out of the ashes. Probably some restaurants or hardware stores or something, too."

During the next six months, Rumsfeld said, each Iraqi man, woman, and child will receive a one-time payment of $3,544.91. On June 30, the transaction of all funds will be complete, and the sovereignty of a "brand-new, prosperous, secular, pluralistic, market-driven nation" will be handed to an as-yet-unformed government, probably one with a president and a congressional body of some sort.

HEHE. Not really... it's from the onion...


Just wanted to give a few of the Pro-War libertarians an Aneurism.


  • Reply 1 of 3
    x xx x Posts: 189member
    LOL! That was funny. It sounded like The Onion when I was reading it.
  • Reply 2 of 3
    eugeneeugene Posts: 8,254member
    It's funny when The Onion is more believable than the other sources you've used in the past.
  • Reply 3 of 3
    drewpropsdrewprops Posts: 2,321member
    What!? Wait, it's a joke? I just mailed my ding-dang check.

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