"I despise you and your so-called taste in music"

curiousuburb

Enter your favourite band/singer/album.

Read the autogenerated slagging off the critic replies with.



http://www.chthonicionic.net/bile/



Some lines tend to repeat in subsequent reviews,

and I'm not sure how it handles duplicate album names,

but some of the text is humourous.



example

Quote:

You like Pink Floyd? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Dark Side of the Moon...



__The opening track, Speak to Me/Breathe in the Air sounds just like a road accident victim's squeal of anguish as he discovers he has only half a face and I can't believe it was supposed to. Call it an unfortunate accident or something. It's things like Time that makes people want to kill each other. Like a retarded shrew defacating through a sieve into my ears, Money is only really listenable after carefully inserting your fists into your ears. Don't worry about getting them out again - there's more on this album you'll want to not hear too.



continues...

and NPR has a show arguing 1974 was the worst year for music



though I think the Disco era might offer serious competition

murbot

OMG that is hilarious shit!



Snippet from my first try:

Quote:

__Just because the whole album stinks doesn't mean you can get away with offerings like Swamp Song - I'm still reeling from the onslaught of what sounds like the dull splash of a TB patient coughing up his lungs onto the floor. Undertow is like a rusty saw being slowly dragged through my grandmother's genitalia, and I'm being generous there.

I'm quite sure I could never come up with anything CLOSE to that.

scott

Here's mine

Quote:

What do I think about Clash's London Calling ? I don't think you are going to like this...



__Track 3, Jimmy Jazz could be mistaken for aural herpes if you don't listen very carefully, and, believe me, you don't want to. Like a christmas novelty sing-along hit in Estonia, Spanish Bombs is only really listenable after carefully inserting your fists into your ears. Don't worry about getting them out again - there's more on this album you'll want to not hear too. The chorus of track seven, Right Profile will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like a bee fellating an elephant.



__Track eight, Lost In The Supermarket is so so. So, so, so ****ing awful, that is. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of Clampdown. The sound of the insistent beep beep beep of the irritatingly stupid videogame that the over stimulated brat in the seat next to you has been playing for the last nineteen hours out of Chicago is nothing compared to the dire Guns Of Brixton.



__In fact, my grandmother sucks eggs better than this shite.



If you still like this crap, go buy it on amazon or something.

luca

Couldn't resist, not with a thread title like this:

Quote:

What do I think about Swingle Singers' Swingling Telemann? I'll tell you what I think...



The opening track, Concerto A Six - Allegro is about as hip as my mother's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you. Track two, Concerto A Six - Adagio is simply terrible. That's it, no further explanation needed. People have accused my reviews of being generated by a computer. Well, of course they are. You think anyone in their right mind would listen to Swingle Singers all day? I'm all digital baby.



The sound of that bloke in your office who hums to himself continuously oblivious to the number of people who plot to fill his mouth and nose with cement on a daily basis is nothing compared to the dire Concerto A Six - Allegro. Track six, La Couperin sounds more like the stuff that the BBC Radiophonic Workshop rejected than it really should. Track 8, Fugue En Re Mineur? No, no, no, no and no. Horrible. Like the elephant man attempting to whistle a novelty summer hit.



In fact, I feel violated from just having to discuss this stuff with you.

barto

I don't get why this is funny.



Is this a parody of music snobbery? If so, it ends up becoming what it's parodying.



Barto

giaguara

Etta James >



"Somebody To Love reminds me of a christmas novelty sing-along hit in Estonia"



Hey, Estonians are white people. They have a white voice, not a black voice. They don't sing in English, and if they do it sounds worse than bush would sound if he spoke german.







2nd try: favorite track = soledad.



it gives me some crap of soledad brothers.



i meant soledad by astor piazzolla.





boring.

heifetz

What's wrong with the disco-era?



I'd argue that the end of the 20th century/start of the 21st is the worst period for music, just turn on eMpTyVee to see what I mean





.h

mattjohndrow

here's mine:

You like Celldweller? Oh dear. You're not going to like what I thought of Celldweller...



__Luckily my PC at work has no sound card. I've been happily playing track three, The Last Firstborn all afternoon with no ill effects to myself. The lyrics of track 4, Under My Feet would make better sense written on a urinal wall - at least you could piss on them. We should ban things like track five, I Believe You from ever being played on public radio. Oh? We have? Well, I'm starting a campaign to ban it from being played in private too.



__Track six, Frozen sounds just like a dawn chorus of pandas slowly being ground into mince for the cheap meat market and I can't believe it was supposed to. Call it an unfortunate accident or something. The sound of the dull splash of a TB patient coughing up his lungs onto the floor that Symbiont so accurately reproduces is relieved only by the fact there are no pictures to go with it. Say Afraid This Time three times into the mirror and Celldweller will appear behind you to take you away from all this miserable shite. Do it. It's your only hope - the track sounds like the Muzak back catalogue throughout.



__In fact, a fruits of the forest yoghurt has more cultural significance.

buonrotto

Quote:

What do I think about Pigface's Welcome to Mexico? Asshole? I don't think you are going to like this...



__Track 2, Blood And Sand sounds like a distressed hamster Pigface has shut in a small cardboard box from its start right through to its (bleated) finish. The chorus of the 'William' of Peaking Too Early will haunt me for years to come, sounding as it does like an exploding zit gently squirting sebum into your brain. The CD age is a boon to music reviewers - the skip track function was designed specifically to alleviate the sound of track four, Little Sisters.



__Like something my cat brought in, but couldn't be bothered to kill, track 8, Stowaway is only really listenable after carefully inserting your fists into your ears. Don't worry about getting them out again - there's more on this album you'll want to not hear too. Track 9, Suck sounds just like 'Grandma we love you' and I can't believe it was supposed to. Call it an unfortunate accident or something. [/i]Lash / Herb / Taxi[/i] is about as hip as my grandmother's attempts at the Lambada. It's a vision of hell that not many people live to see, I promise you.



__In fact, I feel violated from just having to discuss this stuff with you.

So it's already scrambling the same put-downs others have had. I think it's supposed to be funny because the descriptions are so awful and because it reads like a horoscope-- vague enough to fit with anything but still sound plausibly pertinent.



Actually, I though the name of my album was funnier than the "review" it was given.

curiousuburb

and entering Song or Singer info still returns an album review,

so it's clearly limited in library or search logic as well as text depth,

but still funny at times



perhaps not as forwardable as The Archive of Misheard Song Lyrics