Guidelines for those stuck in a Hurricane

in General Discussion edited January 2014
Hurricanes Suck

Alright you tribe of worriers, I'm back in one piece. But it was one hell of a ride. As some of you may realize from a glance to the left, I live in Indialantic, a small town with a lot of beach and bad spelling. It's on the Florida coast, partly integrated with a sprawl-town called Melbourne, which incidentally got a lot of TV time last weekend.

I had the foresight to reserve a room in a motel in Jacksonville about a week ago, although the rooms available that late weren't exactly top notch. It was a moldy single in a little place called the "Civista Inn" whose only worthy asset was the appropriately low cost. But I digress. What I gained through this little shuffle was a priceless understanding of the operational guidelines critical for success when fleeing from a hurricane, typhoon, volcano, or any other natural occurrence that chooses to tear the insulation off your roof and redistribute it across your front yard.

The Guidelines:

1) Do the traveling really late a night, and towards the end of the evacuation period. That way, there won't be any cars on the road and you can drive really fast. I made it from Melbourne to Jacksonville (180 miles) in pretty close to 90 minutes. You do the math, but just consider that when you're going to a place like Jacksonville, there's no reason to prolong the agony of finally reaching the destination.

2) If there's traffic on the return trip, use the shoulder. The policemen will all be doing more important things, like riding around in the National Guard's wicked, camo-painted humvees.

3) If you've never been to Jacksonville, save yourself the trip. Trust me. It sucks.

4) If you must go to Jacksonville, don't stay near the airport. The only civilization in the area consists of a few motels, a Denny's, a Wendy's, and a few competing gas stations. The Denny's and Wendy's both closed when the electricity went off.

5) If you must go to Jacksonville, and you must stay near the airport, make damn sure you cough up the extra $40 a night and stay at the hotel that has a bar. I forget which one it is, but waking across 8 lanes of highway at night isn't cool. The bar, on the other hand, is definitely worth it.

6) A box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls has 2500 calories, and only costs $1.09. That's a good day's worth of nourishment.

7) When you get back home and find that the insulation got stripped off of your roof, letting just enough water leak in to make things smell like France, don't sleep in your car with the windows down. I think the mosquitos gave me leprosy.

8. When you go to the movies the next day, to get away from your house, it might be wise to do some movie hopping. If you see "Reese Witherspoon" in the opening credits, get the hell out of Dodge, my friend. On the other hand, I wish I had more thumbs to raise to Alien vs. Predator.

The Aftermath: I'm sleeping in my office now, which is fine since I was a co-founder of the company, and some of the other co-founders live in the same house, so it's a real campfire over here. The electricity came back on at the office, which is also nice. There's a place nearby that rents rooms per month, so we might hit that up until our roof gets put back together and the inside is steam cleaned. The beach also partly migrated into what was once our back yard, and I have no idea how that little dilemma is going to be solved.

On the other hand the kegs were fine. I drank some beer last night and rolled a j.

Back to work.


  • Reply 1 of 1
    Glad to hear everything worked out for the best, glad to hear the Kegs were ok, and glad to hear that you gave a pause for the cause. I hope that Ivan misses you guys because that would just be cruel to get 3 hurricanes in less than 4 weeks time.
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