Help me write a letter to the poor broad in the Amex sorting facility.

Posted:
in General Discussion edited January 2014
You know those pre-paid return envelopes you get in your junk mail? I always save them, and when I have a little pile I?ll take the contents of one and stick it in the return envelope of another, and so on. I?ve always done this. I guess making the bastards pay even a few bucks makes it worth the time to open the shit.



Lately I?ve been cutting the postage marks off the envelopes and using them to mail my own letters. I did this 4 times last month, and every one of them got through. Just stupid jokes and things, nothing important that really has to get through, of course.



Then a couple weeks ago my dad mentions having to go and buy more paper for their printer. That day I get an offer for a low interest rate on balance transfers from Mastercard. So I take a large envelope at work, stuff it with an inch thick pile of blank paper, cut the postage off of their pre-paid envelope, and tape it on. Sure as shit, it got there. I?m sure that one cost a good $3.



Anyway, I got another one from American Express today. I got 2 from them last week. I was just about to stuff some papers from the garbage into the envelope and drop it in the mail, but I?m feeling creative today. I want to write the poor broad that opens these things a letter.



Here?s what I just typed out really quickly:



-----



Hi there!



I just wanted to let you know that just because your job sucks total ass, it?s not the end of the world. Things have a way of working themselves out, so keep your chin up. Unless the slave drivers in your sorting facility don?t like that kind of thing, that is.



I usually just send these envelopes back empty to make the credit card companies pay the postage, but I thought I?d include a little note this time. Someone out there is trying to send you warm thoughts by like, telepathy or some shit. Maybe it?ll work and you won?t try to beat up your supervisor today.



Have a great day, try and lay off the booze tonight, and if your husband wants to fool around a little, please do it. Men have it so hard these days, and if women would just put out a little more, the world really would be a better place.



Take care.




-----



Actually I did this, and then had the idea to write this thread, because I think this is kind of shitty and you guys can help me out a little. I posted the first draft as-is; I?ll post it and then start a revision.



I?ll check back before I mail it, to see what cool things you boys have cooked up. Even if you have one good sentence, post it and I?ll work it in.



Comments

  • Reply 1 of 11
    marcukmarcuk Posts: 4,442member
    what a great idea, Im going to prepare a little note outlining how the stories of Jesus are stories of the sun going around the zodiac and send them back too.
  • Reply 2 of 11
    asaphasaph Posts: 176member
    So - you know that's mail fraud, right?



    [edit] In the US, anyhow... I don't know how it works in Canada.
  • Reply 3 of 11
    brussellbrussell Posts: 9,812member
    Canada is a lawless wilderness.
  • Reply 4 of 11
    How did you become such a genius?
  • Reply 5 of 11
    Quote:

    Originally posted by Splinemodel

    How did you become such a genius?



    He was consuming a rather large pint of beer (it was only large because it was his seventeenth) when it struck him (it was the left breast of a canadian amazon).
  • Reply 6 of 11
    a_greera_greer Posts: 4,594member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by Asaph

    So - you know that's mail fraud, right?



    [edit] In the US, anyhow... I don't know how it works in Canada.




    tapeing a lable to a huge pack of paper may be mail fraud, but stuffing the original pre-paid envelope with the wrong paper is not...



    send a discover card flier to visa, send a chase offer to Bank of America and so on...just for fun...
  • Reply 7 of 11
    mimacmimac Posts: 871member
    Pure Genius Murbot! This ones for you!



  • Reply 8 of 11
    buonrottobuonrotto Posts: 6,368member
    "Dear Anonymous,



    Welcome to hell. Population: you."
  • Reply 9 of 11
    Explain to them how what your doing is like jury duty: something all us citizens have to do to combat lawlessness. With enough wasting of resources, maybe a few more bulk mails will not go out to keep things in budget and an anonymous gift that was never known to be given will be enjoyed.



    It's like keeping a telemarketer on the phone for hours, so that several others are not bothered.



    Sorry for not wording for the poor minimum-wage worker.
  • Reply 10 of 11
    Oh, and having worked in subscription fulfillment, you'd be amazed at what people have stuffed into those envelopes. Or what they've placed those postage-paid things on.



    One person I knew kept a brick with a reader card on her desk and talked about how much the postage cost. Another spoke of how someone mailed the contents of an ashtray - really made a mess when opening it!



    Nowadays, sticking one of those on a brick just has it end up in the Dead Letter Office with no cost to the owner of the mark.
  • Reply 11 of 11
    asaphasaph Posts: 176member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by a_greer

    tapeing a lable to a huge pack of paper may be mail fraud, but stuffing the original pre-paid envelope with the wrong paper is not...



    send a discover card flier to visa, send a chase offer to Bank of America and so on...just for fun...




    Sorry - I should have been more specific. Yeah, I was only talking about using their postage marker on your own personal mail. Have at it for sending it back to the junk mailers.
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