Alka-Seltzer U.S. Open of Competitive Eating.

Posted:
in AppleOutsider edited January 2014
Western civilization is coming to an end.



There is a competitive event on television RIGHT NOW that is a harbinger of The End for all of us. Competitive Eating (I'm not making this up) is now an ESPN Event. They have profiles on these gluttons whose task is to force as much food into their faces as possible before their competitor.



There are commentators who give a spike (like spike a football) by swallow description of The Action. Picture a glutton with pounds of quivering french fries sticking out of his oscillating mouth (fear not, there are women in this too) and his hands stuffing still more into his face. "He's got the Head Jerk down to a fine art!" "Yeah, you've gotta do that to move It to the gullet". There Is No God.



"Chew View Cam"

Attached to the baseball cap on each of the competitors is a small camera that lets YOU see the food flying from the plate AND disappearing into the gobbling mouths of the competitors. Evidently there are fans who actually follow this, too.



The World Record for Hotdog consumption is 53.5 hotdogs (and buns) in 12 minutes. That's 17,120 calories in 12 minutes! Long after NASCAR is forgotten, there will be C.E. One of the eaters has an iPod. So this must be Cool....



"The Fazoli Eating Champ of the World."



"The Master Masticator."



Automatic Disqualification for "Reversal of Fortune".



Do YOU have what it takes to spike fries and hotdogs ? The International Confederation of Competitive Eating wants to talk to you... but I sure don't.



Horrified,



Aries 1B

Comments

  • Reply 1 of 7
    addaboxaddabox Posts: 12,660member




    I don't think I have the, er... stomach to tune in, but your play by play (bite by bite?) is hilarious.
  • Reply 2 of 7
    pfflampfflam Posts: 5,053member
    That Japanese guy, the skinny one who's name escapes me . . . he's a celebrity for being hands down the best at this . . . and has been for years.



    But yeah I agree . . . there is no God, and each contestant should be forced to fly to Niger to help the starving
  • Reply 3 of 7
    splinemodelsplinemodel Posts: 7,311member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by Aries 1B

    Western civilization is coming to an end.





    Takeru Kobayashi is Japanese, as are most of the top eaters, so it's not particularly a western thing.



    But anyway, I wouldn't be so quick to regard competitive eating as such a terrible thing. 50 years ago, in many places across the united states, perhaps entertainment involved a gentlemanly game of cards after a conversation about the merits of one man's hunting dogs. This, of course, was after they spend 30 minutes throwing rocks at "niggers."



    Civilization has always been "about to end."
  • Reply 4 of 7
    aries 1baries 1b Posts: 1,009member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by addabox





    I don't think I have the, er... stomach to tune in, but your play by play (bite by bite?) is hilarious.




    My play by play is Intricate Legal Prose, or an Engineering Text (CHEWse the more boring of the two), read aloud as compared to the actual commentators who are truly skilled speakers. Way better than MXC, and I greatly enjoy MXC. Nearly wet myself, truth be told.



    One guy that they zoomed in on (so not to miss The Action), his mouth crammed full of french fries, reminded me of a scene from The Simpsons: a photo of Homer that immortalized a moment in Mr. Simpson's life when he stuffed *his* mouth with cigarettes.



    The holder of the 50.5 hotdog record was/is that small Japanese fellow; Kobiyashi Maru or something.



    Still shaking,



    Aries 1B
  • Reply 5 of 7
    aries 1baries 1b Posts: 1,009member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by Splinemodel

    ...But anyway, I wouldn't be so quick to regard competitive eating as such a terrible thing....



    Watch the french/liberty fries competition and say that. I dare you.



    RE The rest of your post: Way to keep it light-hearted.



    Mods: Please lock this thread. The party has been pooped.



    V/R,



    Aries 1B
  • Reply 6 of 7
    I am waiting for the U.S. Open of Competitive Sex.
  • Reply 7 of 7
    aries 1baries 1b Posts: 1,009member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by ThinkingDifferent

    I am waiting for the U.S. Open of Competitive Sex.



    "...makers of Viagra and Rampaging Crane welcome you to the third annual International Sex Olympics..."



    See "The Groove Tube" for a rather disappointing sex olympics.



    V/R,



    Aries 1B
Sign In or Register to comment.