My lost soul and a hello

Posted:
in AppleOutsider edited January 2014
Hello,



I've been gone for awhile. I recently lost my wife and my two children. Julia, 8 years old, Mathew, 6 years of age and my wife Sonja of 33. Died in a car accident this last January in France. It took me a few months to get grounded again and now that I'm able to type again I have a few questions. See I am now an alcoholic who is hopped up on anti-depressants, smoking marijuana and other things that I don't care to mention. The question is, am I wrong, how would you feel and what would you do.



Thanks, lost......

Comments

  • Reply 1 of 15
    hardeeharharhardeeharhar Posts: 4,841member
    wait? really?



    i am so sorry.



    depression is expected but would they have wanted you to live like this?



    it will take a while but you need to live, really live, for them; otherwise you cause their memories a disservice...



    ...
  • Reply 2 of 15
    relicrelic Posts: 4,735member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hardeeharhar View Post


    wait? really?



    i am so sorry.



    depression is expected but would they have wanted you to live like this?



    it will take a while but you need to live, really live, for them; otherwise you cause their memories a disservice...



    ...



    To, yeah really...



    Yes living in misery of the death of a loved ones memory is a disservice but what about three loved ones not just three but three that you molded your entire existence around. How do you start over. I really don't know how.
  • Reply 3 of 15
    hardeeharharhardeeharhar Posts: 4,841member
    i don't know either, but you NEED to...
  • Reply 4 of 15
    splinemodelsplinemodel Posts: 7,311member
    Give running / jogging a try. It takes some time before it's not painful, but it's good for taking the mind off of things. It's certainly not a panacea, but then again, neither are alcohol, marijuana, or anti-depressants. At some point I imagine you'll want to resume a normal life, so I recommend something like running or perhaps cycling (never tried it) as a gateway back to normalcy. From a chemical perspective, hard excercise triggers the same glands that anti-depressants do, so it's quite relevant.





    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Relic View Post


    ... How do you start over. I really don't know how.



    This will sound insensitive, and it may be, but I'm honestly trying to help. I feel very sorry for you, which for me is a rare outward feeling -- I rarely feel sorry for anyone, but your loss is quite understandable. However, you are not the only person in the world to have suffered. Many who have come before you have suffered far greater losses. Think about the people who have lived during times of plague and war and have lost everything. Right now, regardless of any disservice you may be doing to a memory, you have two options. You can bounce back, or you can suffer for the rest of your life. You have to make that decision yourself.
  • Reply 5 of 15
    snoopysnoopy Posts: 1,901member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Relic View Post




    Yes living in misery of the death of a loved ones memory is a disservice but what about three loved ones not just three but three that you molded your entire existence around. How do you start over. I really don't know how.






    I can only tell you what helped me overcome a personal tragedy, to grieve. My loss was not as great as yours, however. I collected things that reminded of my wife and put them in a box. Frequently, when I was alone, I opened the box and remembered her, and how much I loved and wanted her. I cried until I thought my heart would break, it hurt so bad.



    Do you believe in God? Blame him or ask why, why, why? I don't think he will mind. Also talk to some good friends who are willing to listen and support you through this. That's all I can think of.
  • Reply 6 of 15
    This is as shit as it gets. It doesn't get shitter?it's going to get better. This is impossible to imagine, but you can expect it, and you should keep a look out for things getting better.



    Here is the most irritating smilie of all the smilies.







    This is you, with a large spliff in your face.



    You won't be needing this so much when the awful pain stops. But at the moment don't give yourself a hard time for responding 'badly' when your universe has been turned upside down. For goodness sake, don't give yourself a hard time for that. Your reaction makes perfect sense to me.



    You've just stubbed your toe and you're jumping around howling. The only thing you can do is tell yourself 'This will stop'. I really wish there were more I or anyone could say, but I'm not in Switzerland, and if I were I'd drop round and make you laugh.
  • Reply 7 of 15
    frank777frank777 Posts: 5,786member
    Relic, I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened to your family.



    We registered at AI at about the same time, and I'm embarrassed to say I didn't realize you were absent from the board. I'm glad to see you can now talk about this here, but I think it's important that you get personal help from people who understand what you are going through.



    As you know, I come from an Evangelical Christian background. While local pastors will counsel people from their own congregation, there was a need for something more when dealing with situations like this. Nowadays, a lot of churches have GriefShare groups, where you can talk in an intimate setting with people who have gone through similar losses. I don't see any group listings for Switzerland, but if you contact the organization directly they may be able to find a group or another similar agency close to where you are.



    I think that using drugs or alcohol (or anything else) to deal with your pain is understandable, but you and I both know it's not really dealing with it, it's just hiding it from you very temporarily. I think you should deal with your grief first (rather than AA or NA) simply because it is the root cause of your actions, but again I'm not an expert in this area.



    Aside from that, I'd suggest you reading passages from the Bible on grief and despair and crying out to God (Some of David's Psalms are a great place to start) and if you are looking for answers I'd suggest Philip Yancey's Where is God When It Hurts.



    Above all, remember that God loves you, just as He loves and is taking care of your family. Talk to Him about it, especially if you choose to read the Bible as part of dealing with this.



    Remember too that there are people on this board who are praying for your recovery and who love and value you, even never having met you face to face. If at any time we can offer any support or encouragement in your journey, please don't hesitate to ask.
  • Reply 8 of 15
    addaboxaddabox Posts: 12,660member
    Relic, my heart goes out to you. I know there are no words for the depth of the pain you are feeling, and no way to see past it, for now.



    I'll second at least part of what Frank 777 said: try to find a group of people who are supporting each other in their grief and loss. There are many such groups here in the states, operating within many different traditions and frameworks. I'm sure you can find one that you feel comfortable in.



    There is powerful healing in knowing you are not alone, that there are other people who can understand what you are going through. Together, people can endure what seems to be unendurable in isolation, and they can share both despair and hope. Being able to hear someone who suffered a great loss say that yes, it gets better with time, and that yes, there came a day when they woke up and realized that they still had a reason to live, and a will to carry on, can make all the difference.



    Don't try to carry this burden by yourself, Relic, it's far too heavy.
  • Reply 9 of 15
    Relic, I'm deeply sorry. (Mir fehlen die Worte in Englisch, um auszudrücken, was ich gefühlt habe, als ich Deinen Post gelesen habe).



    I live in Zurich, Switzerland, and although I'm not an expert, if I might be of assistance, just tell me. If you need somebody to talk, or share an evening with some Mac friends, just let me know.



    michael
  • Reply 10 of 15
    ricksbrainricksbrain Posts: 517member
    Relic--



    The alcohol, antidepressants, and other things are going to keep you from grieving. Numbing yourself may feel like what you want to do to avoid the pain, but they will bring with them a host of other problems, and only postpone the grief. I have personal experience here and can communicate with you privately if you would like. The alcohol will actually depress you further, while the other substances will lead you on an emotional roller coaster. This kind of ride, though, is not emotionally productive and will only make things worse.



    We all need to grieve in our own way. The point, though, is that we have to allow ourselves space to grieve. Punishing yourself is not going to help you, them, or those around you who certainly love you a great deal.



    I suggest that you seek out a grief counselor if you don't feel able to speak to anyone close to you. It may feel exactly the opposite of what you want to do (retreat, isolate yourself, make yourself hurt even more), but now is the time to reach out to people for help. Do it because it's the right thing to do, even if your feelings suggest you do otherwise.



    If you have no one close to confide in, talk to anyone who will listen about any aspect of it on your mind-- your feelings, your memories. Use this forum to get things off of your chest if you wish. Talk, talk, talk to anyone who will listen. We'll listen.



    I hope you can feel the warmth extended to you at this time. You are not alone.
  • Reply 11 of 15
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Relic View Post


    Hello,



    I've been gone for awhile. I recently lost my wife and my two children. Julia, 8 years old, Mathew, 6 years of age and my wife Sonja of 33. Died in a car accident this last January in France. It took me a few months to get grounded again and now that I'm able to type again I have a few questions. See I am now an alcoholic who is hopped up on anti-depressants, smoking marijuana and other things that I don't care to mention. The question is, am I wrong, how would you feel and what would you do.



    Thanks, lost......





    I had a drinking problem. The best thing to do is to get help. I won't state what, but you might want to check into a rehab facility first. All you have to do is accept it and have them work with you on how to get off alcohol. You've basically have let the alcohol and drugs to take over and now it's time to remove that dependency.



    My 16 year old nephew Ben was killed by a drunk driver in 1990. It was a signal (one of many, I also had 3 DUI's in the previous four years) for me to clean up my "act". That's all it is. An act. Time to change your role in life. Do it for your wife and your children. Make them your higher power. I made Ben mine.



    Good luck and all the best.
  • Reply 12 of 15
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 16,990member
    I don't know what to say Relic, except that I'm truly sorry for your terrible loss. Time will heal you. It may not seem like it, but it will eventually. Best wishes....



    SDW
  • Reply 13 of 15
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Dear god, Relic. That's awful. You have my deepest sympathies.



    It is, however, a good sign that you are posting here. Keep doing that.



    When my wife's first husband died (one of the few US casualties in the first Gulf War), she turned to alcohol as a way of staving off the grief. When her father died, her mother (even now) staves off the grief by keeping herself much too busy.



    I have no advice, as I simply cannot fathom your situation, but you really need to seek some kind of professional help. We're all smart and all, but I doubt AO holds a candle to some kind of support group.
  • Reply 14 of 15
    dmzdmz Posts: 5,775member
    I am truly sorry to hear that Relic, you are going through hell.



    As to the drugs, you've got to walk out of the woods. You just have to. There is every likelihood that they could arrest your path through this grief. The last thing you need is to be paralyzed in a pattern of dependency. I don't think that zero self medication is realistic at all times, but you can't live there.



    I don't know if you are man of faith, but C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed could help in any case -- he eloquently and unflinchingly describes the grief of losing his wife. At different points he runs the gamut from kicking at God as the Cosmic Sadist to eventually coming to terms with both his god and his loss:



    Quote:

    One moment last night can be described in similes, otherwise it wont go into language at all. Imagine a man in total darkness. He thinks he is in a cellar or dungeon. Then there comes a sound. He thinks it might be a sound from far off — waves or windblown trees or cattle half a mile away. And if so, it proves he's not in a cellar, but free, in the open air. Or it may be a much smaller sound close at hand, a chuckle of laughter, and if so, there is a friend just beside him in the dark. Either way, a good, good, sound. I'm not mad enough to take such an experience as evidence for anything, it is simply the leaping into imaginative activity of an idea which I would always have theoretically admitted: The idea that I, or any mortal at any time may be utterly mistaken as to the situation he is really in.





    If you ever had a shred of faith, or if there is a shred left, pray -- pray for relief, scream at God, anything. Hold fast.
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