Confirmed: New uniforms for Glasgow Apple Store, iMace
In an Apple press release issued earlier today, Apple describes the new uniforms that will be issued to all members of staff at the new Glasgow Apple Store, as well as some of the specialist training that staff members will receive.
The vest is designed to protect staff from knive attacks and small caliber firearms, and is lightweight and comfortable to wear. According to Apple's new Security Chief, John Smeaton, the new vest still allows staff members "to get a few good punches in if some C*nt gives you grief. No?"
Another first for Apple, the new Glasgow store will feature a state-of-the-art sprinkler system which features voice recognition technology. The system can be configured to recognise virtually any phrase, and in Glasgow it will activate upon anyone saying "Big Issue" or screaming "Allah'u Ackbar", amongst other phrases. The store is also protected on all sides by tank traps to avoid a repeat of recent events at Glasgow Airport. However, as John explains "Most of the Bams around here would probably rather drink the petrol than pour it over themselves. No?"
Staff members will also be issued with iMace Ned repellent pepper spray. To allay consumer fears at this move Apple has ensured that all members of staff will have to complete a rigorous training course supervised by John Smeaton. As John explains, whilst the deployment of the spray is at the Apple staff members discretion, it may only be deployed as a last ditch effort "If any of those C*unts come anywhere near me, I swear to God I'll spray that shit in their c*nting eyes. No?"
Staff members are trained to react to any situation with measured response. As John explains "Aye, I've told them to hud-on for a few minutes before calling the Polis - that way we all get the opportunity to kick the c*nt in the puss before the c*nting pigs arrive. No?"
In a twist on an Apple tradition, customers queuing outside in the hopes of receiving a complimentary goodie bag will be provided with light refreshments. Instead of being offered a Krispy Kreme and a Starbucks coffee, Glaswegian customers will be offered a Gregg's Steak Bake and a can of 'Ginger'. Whilst the contents of the bags are always kept secret, the Glasgow bags are believed to contain an iPod Shuffle, Apple Wireless Keyboard, a 250ml tube of SunMagic tanning lotion, a 500ml can of Tennents Super and an Elizabeth Duke at Argos 7ct Gold Sovereign ring, featuring a tastefull depiction of St. Buckfast, Patron Saint of ASBOs and wife-beating.
In related news, Police have managed to recover the giant Apple sign that was stolen from the store front on Saturday night. Police spokesmen were unable to confirm the rumours that the sign had been recovered from a stall at the City's notorious 'The Barras' market, and that the stall holder had been touting the giant six foot sign as "the next generation Apple iPhone. No?"
The vest is designed to protect staff from knive attacks and small caliber firearms, and is lightweight and comfortable to wear. According to Apple's new Security Chief, John Smeaton, the new vest still allows staff members "to get a few good punches in if some C*nt gives you grief. No?"
Another first for Apple, the new Glasgow store will feature a state-of-the-art sprinkler system which features voice recognition technology. The system can be configured to recognise virtually any phrase, and in Glasgow it will activate upon anyone saying "Big Issue" or screaming "Allah'u Ackbar", amongst other phrases. The store is also protected on all sides by tank traps to avoid a repeat of recent events at Glasgow Airport. However, as John explains "Most of the Bams around here would probably rather drink the petrol than pour it over themselves. No?"
Staff members will also be issued with iMace Ned repellent pepper spray. To allay consumer fears at this move Apple has ensured that all members of staff will have to complete a rigorous training course supervised by John Smeaton. As John explains, whilst the deployment of the spray is at the Apple staff members discretion, it may only be deployed as a last ditch effort "If any of those C*unts come anywhere near me, I swear to God I'll spray that shit in their c*nting eyes. No?"
Staff members are trained to react to any situation with measured response. As John explains "Aye, I've told them to hud-on for a few minutes before calling the Polis - that way we all get the opportunity to kick the c*nt in the puss before the c*nting pigs arrive. No?"
In a twist on an Apple tradition, customers queuing outside in the hopes of receiving a complimentary goodie bag will be provided with light refreshments. Instead of being offered a Krispy Kreme and a Starbucks coffee, Glaswegian customers will be offered a Gregg's Steak Bake and a can of 'Ginger'. Whilst the contents of the bags are always kept secret, the Glasgow bags are believed to contain an iPod Shuffle, Apple Wireless Keyboard, a 250ml tube of SunMagic tanning lotion, a 500ml can of Tennents Super and an Elizabeth Duke at Argos 7ct Gold Sovereign ring, featuring a tastefull depiction of St. Buckfast, Patron Saint of ASBOs and wife-beating.
In related news, Police have managed to recover the giant Apple sign that was stolen from the store front on Saturday night. Police spokesmen were unable to confirm the rumours that the sign had been recovered from a stall at the City's notorious 'The Barras' market, and that the stall holder had been touting the giant six foot sign as "the next generation Apple iPhone. No?"
Comments
The vest is designed to protect staff from knive attacks and small caliber firearms, and is lightweight and comfortable to wear. According to Apple's new Security Chief, John Smeaton, the new vest still allows staff members "to get a few good punches in if some C*nt gives you grief. No?
I can't tell you the number of times I've had to dodge gunfire and drag away the bodies just to get to the software section. Apple Stores are rapidly becoming no-go areas for all but the most hardened Mac-users. Nobody in their right mind would F*** with a Genius. Einstein tells me to jump? I'm asking how high.