New "gender-correct" Bible coming soon

towel · January 28, 2002 9:07PM

<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2002/SHOWBIZ/books/01/28/revised.bible/index.html"; target="_blank">CNN: Popular Bible Becomes More "Gender-Correct"</a>

One more savage beating of proper English usage. I wonder how much mroe it can take. For God's sake, why don't people understand that "he" is the gender-neutral third-person-singluar pronoun in English? Women should be happy! They get their very own pronoun, while men have to make do with an ambiguous pronoun that might mean either "one male" or "one person of unspecified gender", depending on the context. "They" is a freakin' plural pronoun only! Sheesh.

g4dude · January 28, 2002 9:13PM

this is total bullshit. Now political correctness has gone too far

the toolboi · January 28, 2002 9:30PM

Isnt this the one where they are finally admitting that Mary wasnt a Virgin, and that it was all a mistranslation between Latin and Greek?

It took them HOW LONG to figgure that one out?

Who knows, maybe in the next revision there will be a black (or at least dark skinned, this is the middle east) christ saying "If they think its wine, let them drink:.

moogs · January 28, 2002 9:51PM

[quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:

this is total bullshit. Now political correctness has gone too far<hr></blockquote>

Yah, cuz it was in-check up until now.

Someone got a good "birdie" / "finger" smiley I can use for the bastards who did all of us such a great service by re-writing the Bible in their bullshit fashion? By the way, what a PERFECT example of how something like the Bible gets twisted and contorted and distorted over time to give meanings likely totally different from what was intended!!

Stupid PC buttholes.

fran441 · January 28, 2002 10:01PM

No one's forcing you to buy it, you know.

brussell · January 28, 2002 10:45PM

OK, here's my attempt on Genesis 2:21-2:25:

[quote]

Yahweh God caused a deep sleep to fall on the gonadically-endowed person, and he/she slept; and she/he took one of his/her ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 2:22He/she made the rib, which Yahweh God had taken from the ovary-challenged individual, into a mammary-empowered person, and brought her/him to the estrogen-challenged individual . 2:23The testicularly-enodwed individual said, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. He/she will be called Wymyn, because he/she was taken out of the ovary-challenged one." 2:24Therefore a testosteronically-enhanced person will leave his/her X-chromosome donor and his/her Y-chromosome donor, and will join with her/his gender-unspecified significant other, and they will be one flesh. 2:25They were both naked, the gender-unspecified significant other and his/her life partner, and were not ashamed.<hr></blockquote>

moogs · January 28, 2002 10:46PM

Fran:

No one's forcing them (much less needing them) to re-write it either. What do they hope to accomplish - creating a Bible that is more acceptable to the principals and town officials of Berkley California? What a waste of energy.

[edit]

[ 01-28-2002: Message edited by: Moogs ? ]

murbot · January 28, 2002 11:49PM

I heard one of the guys responsible for this on the radio today. He was relaying a story about a pastor who's 8 year old daughter was in her room reading the bible. He walked by and noticed she was sitting there looking sad. She looked up and asked him "Daddy, why is the bible only written for boys?"

And of course, this pastor was too stupid to just teach his daughter what the the bible was really saying. Instead, he devoted his energy to helping to rewrite the fu*king thing.

*sigh*

Unreal.

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: murbot ]

gregg · January 29, 2002 7:39AM

If the three guys had been black, and we wanted to change one of 'em to a white guy....

Oops! Wrong thread.

spaceman_spiff · January 29, 2002 8:07AM

I'm not losing any sleep over this one. There's only about a trillion different translations out there. What's one more? I don't doubt that a lot of effort went into making this - IMO, misspent effort but who knows? Maybe this is the pablum somebody out there needs before they move on to a more substantive spiritual search. I won't be holding my breath, though.

artman @_@ · January 29, 2002 10:03AM

I want "The Life of Brian" Version...

Jesus speaks

------------------------------------------------------------------------

JESUS CHRIST:

How blest are those who know that He's a god. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.

RANDOM:

[cough cough]

JESUS:

They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see God...

MANDY:

Speak up!

MAN:

Shh.

BRIAN:

Quiet, Mum.

JESUS:

How blest are those of gentle...

MANDY:

Well, I can't hear a thing.

JESUS:

...spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession.

MANDY:

Let's go t' the stoning.

JESUS:

How blest are those...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Shh.

JESUS:

...who hunger and thirst...

BRIAN:

You can go to a stoning any time.

JESUS:

...to see right...

MANDY:

Oh, come on, Brian.

JESUS:

...prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Will you be quiet?!

JESUS:

How blest are they who have suffered much...

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't pick your nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't!

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Leave it alone. Give it a rest.

MR. CHEEKY:

Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Don't you swear at my wife.

MR. CHEEKY:

I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, he has got a big nose.

GREGORY:

Could you be quiet, please?

JESUS:

They shall have the earth...

GREGORY:

What was that?

JESUS:

...for their possession. How blest are those...

MR. CHEEKY:

I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.

JESUS:

...who hunger and thirst to see...

MAN #1:

I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'

JESUS:

...right prevail.

MRS. GREGORY:

Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?

GREGORY:

Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

MR. CHEEKY:

See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.

JESUS:

How blest are those who...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.

MRS. GREGORY:

Ohh.

MR. CHEEKY:

Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'

BRIAN:

Oh, lay off him.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?

MR. BIG NOSE:

One more time, mate; I'll take you to the ****in' cleaners!

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Language!

JESUS:

...hunger and thirst to see...

MRS. BIG NOSE:

And don't pick your nose.

JESUS:

...right prevail.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!

MAN #2:

You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY:

The Greek?

MAN #2:

Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY:

Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

MR. CHEEKY:

Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!

MAN #1 and MAN #2:

Shhh.

MR. CHEEKY:

Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?

MR. BIG NOSE:

Oh. Right. That's your last warning.

MRS. GREGORY:

Oh, do pipe down.

[MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY]

Oh!

[MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight]

GREGORY:

Oh!

MRS. GREGORY:

Awa?

MR. BIG NOSE:

Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?...

MRS. GREGORY:

Ow!...

MR. BIG NOSE:

Break it up-- oh. Oh!

MANDY:

Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.

BRIAN:

All right.

[music]

FRANCIS:

Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.

REG:

Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

JUDITH:

Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.

MANDY:

Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.

BRIAN:

All right.

MR. CHEEKY:

Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all. <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

arakageeta · January 29, 2002 2:18PM

As I'm sure a few of you noticed, this is nothing new. Note the word "new" in the title. Eh... so yeah.

My girl friend who goes to Berkeley was given an interesting translation from HER PROF. Ugh. Who ever made that is going straight to hell.

Know the part where Jesus walks on water? There is a line in this translation that honestly says his deciples(sp?) "where scared shitless".

artman @_@ · January 29, 2002 2:20PM

[quote]Originally posted by Arakageeta:

.Know the part where Jesus walks on water? There is a line in this translation that honestly says his deciples(sp?) "where scared shitless".<hr></blockquote>

Now that's my kind of Bible. Where can I get a copy?

Honestly, medieval monks spent hours copying the Bible, while in the margins, or gutters, they would occasionally doodle obscene images and phrases. So what's the point? They were bored? <img src="graemlins/oyvey.gif" border="0" alt="[No]" />

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: Artman @_@ ]

moogs · January 29, 2002 3:39PM

[quote]Originally posted by Artman @_@:



Now that's my kind of Bible. Where can I get a copy?

<hr></blockquote>

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />

Just imagine: "So the beggar turned to Jesus and asked 'Can I be saved?'" Jesus then replied "Fu*kin' right you can be saved. Common, we'll go to the local pub and discuss over a jug of vino!"

ryanthegreat · January 29, 2002 3:51PM

If they truly want to make the bible politically correct then they will have to take out the parts where god slaughters massive amounts of people for not believing.... the old testament is pretty screwed up that way. (one of the main reasons that I stopped believing)

simple ranger · January 29, 2002 5:01PM

[quote]Originally posted by Towel:

<a href="http://www.cnn.com/2002/SHOWBIZ/books/01/28/revised.bible/index.html"; target="_blank">CNN: Popular Bible Becomes More "Gender-Correct"</a>

"They" is a freakin' plural pronoun only! Sheesh.<hr></blockquote>

The article you cite says nothing about substituting they for he. The examples they site are:

"sons of God" -> "children of God"

"a man" -> "a person"

"Christ" -> "Messiah"

"with child" -> "pregnant"

The fact of the matter is that any English version of the Bible is a translation, which means at least some original intent will be "lost in translation." The exclusive use of masculine pronouns are just as much a product of their times as the revisions are part of our time. I for one am happy to see the more inclusive language.

simple ranger · January 29, 2002 5:04PM

[quote]Originally posted by Moogs ?:



"Common, we'll go to the local pub and discuss over a jug of vino!"<hr></blockquote>

I assume you mean "c'mon" as in the contraction for "come on" instead of "common" as in "usual" or "ordinary".

If only someone would update your prose...

[ 01-29-2002: Message edited by: Simple Ranger ]

simple ranger · January 29, 2002 5:08PM

Personally, I prefer Saint Bob's interpretations. From <a href="http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/highway61.html"; target="_blank">Highway 61 Revisited</a>:

Oh God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"

Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"

God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"

God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but

The next time you see me comin' you better run"

Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"

God says, "Out on Highway 61."

crusader · January 30, 2002 7:42PM

Ah history according to Monty Python! I love it! Anyone see the "Last Supper" scene in Mel Brook's History of the World? Great stuff.

anders · January 30, 2002 8:04PM

I dare anyone to make a version where at least one of the disciples is muslim. I know we would have to do something about the space/time continuum but what the heck...

towel · January 31, 2002 2:39AM

SimpleRanger,

[quote]The article you cite says nothing about substituting they for he.<hr></blockquote>

You obviously missed this line:

[quote]The revision occasionally uses a generic plural pronoun, like "they," in the place of a masculine singular pronoun, the IBS says<hr></blockquote>

They can do whatever they want to the Bible. I'm all for making it more inclusive and relevant. Ultimately, religion is a personal matter, and if a person relates better to God if the Bible says "children" instead of "sons", all the better. It's just the garbling of the English language that gets under my skin. Make the Bible say whatever you want, just say it in decent English!

New "gender-correct" Bible coming soon

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