What is the oldest joke in the world?

2

Comments

  • Reply 21 of 52
    trumptmantrumptman Posts: 16,454member
    Come here and pull my finger....



    Nick
  • Reply 22 of 52
    ghost_user_nameghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member
    "What's that on your shirt?"



    *Flicks nose*
  • Reply 23 of 52
    Why did the chicken cross the road?



    No one's ever told me why. Is it like a freakin' secret? Did they do this episode in the X-files? What conspiracy is this about? What? Who's behind me? <gag><scuffle, scuffle>



    Umm... move along folks. Nothing to see here..
  • Reply 24 of 52
    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, ?I?m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.?



    2.\tTwo boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



    3.\tTwo Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can?t have your kayak and heat it, too.



    4.\tA three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ?I?m looking for the man who shot my paw.?



    5.\tDid you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.



    6.\tA group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ?But why?? they asked, as they moved off. ?Because,? he said, ?I can?t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.?



    7.\tA woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ?Ahmal.? The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ?Juan.? Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ?They?re twins! If you?ve seen Juan, you?ve seen Ahmal.?



    8.\tThese friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ?persuade? them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he?d be back if they didn?t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



    9.\tMahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it?s good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



    10.\tAnd finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



    (Puns are old, and still punny.)
  • Reply 25 of 52
    stoostoo Posts: 1,490member
    [quote]Why did the chicken cross the road?<hr></blockquote>



    To get to the other side?
  • Reply 26 of 52
    cdhostagecdhostage Posts: 1,038member
    A duck walks into a bar.

    "Ouch."



    No seriosuly.

    A duck walks into a bar.

    "Got any gwapes?"

    Bartendar shakes hsiu head.

    "No grapes. ANd we don't serve ducks."

    Next day, duck walks into the same bar.

    "Got any gwapes?"

    "No, afraid not. Get outa here!"

    Next day, duck does it again.

    "Got any gwapes?"

    "Now, lookee here, bud. Do it again, and I'll staple your feet to the floor!"

    Duck leaves.

    Next day, duck is back.

    "Got any staples?"

    "No."

    "Got any gwapes?"
  • Reply 27 of 52
    mimacmimac Posts: 871member
    This should a been in the " poems" thread but probably better here...



    "There was a young woman from Ealing

    who had a perculiar feeling,

    so she sat on a chair

    put her legs in the air

    and p***** all over the ceiling.
  • Reply 28 of 52
    leviathanleviathan Posts: 161member
    there was a young man from madras

    who had balls made from solid brass

    in stormy weather

    they'd clang together

    and sparks would fly out of his a$$



    there was a young man from venus.....



    a man goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers

    "whats that?" said the doctor

    "Dunno" he replied "but it's driving me nuts"



    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
  • Reply 29 of 52
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    How do you kill an entire circus at once?



    Go for the Juggler!



    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />
  • Reply 30 of 52
    pfflampfflam Posts: 5,053member
    [quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:

    <strong>

    . . . . . ?I can?t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.?



    </strong><hr></blockquote>





    :confused: <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
  • Reply 31 of 52
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    Jane finds Tarzan making use of a hole in a tree trunk in place of a woman. "No" she says, takes off her clothes, lays down and shows Tarzan where to put it. Tarzan looks down at her then gives her an almighty kick between the legs. Once she has recovered from the agony Jane asks Tarzan what he was doing. He replies "Checking for bees!"







    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/surprised.gif" border="0" alt="[Surprised]" />
  • Reply 32 of 52
    Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."



    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "Thirty thousand dollars."



    The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.



    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.



    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.



    She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"



    So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  • Reply 33 of 52
    A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.



    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.



    "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.



    "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."
  • Reply 34 of 52
    [quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:

    <strong>A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.



    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.



    "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.



    "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."</strong><hr></blockquote>



    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
  • Reply 35 of 52
    (To be read aloud with Sean Connery voice



    "There once was a man named Tribeck. He had the world's tiniest ----"



    If you watch Saturday Night Live, you know where this came from.
  • Reply 36 of 52
    The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a

    proposal from

    Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel.



    "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr.

    Sharon wants

    to challenge you to a game of golf to show the

    friendship and

    ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic

    faiths."



    The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had

    never held a

    golf club in his hand.



    "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he

    asked.



    "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied.

    "But," he added,

    "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American

    golfer who is a

    devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a

    Cardinal, then ask him

    to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative.

    In addition to

    showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win

    the match."



    Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was

    made. Of course,

    Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day

    after the match,

    Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope

    of the result.



    "I have some good news and some bad news, your

    Holiness," said Nicklaus.



    "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,"

    said the Pope.



    "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even

    though I've played some pretty

    terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the

    best I have ever played, by far. I must

    have been inspired from above. My drives were long

    and true, my irons were

    accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect.

    With all due respect,

    my play was truly miraculous.



    "There's bad news?", the Pope asked.



    "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods

    by seven strokes...."
  • Reply 37 of 52
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    What has 2 legs and bleeds?



    Half a dog!



    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
  • Reply 38 of 52
    rodukroduk Posts: 706member
    [quote]Originally posted by GardenOfEarthlyDelights:

    <strong>A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.



    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.



    "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.



    "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."</strong><hr></blockquote>



    An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron" he says.



    The bartender asks "Are you sure?".



    "Yes" replies the atom. "I'm positive".
  • Reply 39 of 52
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    [quote]Originally posted by RodUK:

    <strong>



    An atom walks into a bar. "I've lost an electron" he says.



    The bartender asks "Are you sure?".



    "Yes" replies the atom. "I'm positive".</strong><hr></blockquote>



    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />



    What kind of bee makes milk?



    A Boo bee!

    <img src="graemlins/bugeye.gif" border="0" alt="[Skeptical]" />
  • Reply 40 of 52
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of Muesli?

    They say he was pulled under by strong currents!
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