The Witty Replies to Normal Questions Thread

Posted:
in General Discussion edited January 2014
Here we go:



-"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

-"No but you have some brown poop on your pants."
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Comments

  • Reply 1 of 44
    brbr Posts: 8,395member
    [quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:

    <strong>Here we go:



    -"Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

    -"No but you have some brown poop on your pants."</strong><hr></blockquote>



    Well, you satisfied one of the two conditions stated in the title of the thread. That was most definitely a reply.
  • Reply 2 of 44
    g4dudeg4dude Posts: 1,016member
    [quote]Originally posted by BR:

    <strong>



    Well, you satisfied one of the two conditions stated in the title of the thread. That was most definitely a reply.</strong><hr></blockquote>



    Oh come on, that was witty!
  • Reply 3 of 44
    jambojambo Posts: 3,036member
    [quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:

    <strong>



    Oh come on, that was witty! </strong><hr></blockquote>



    Define witty.
  • Reply 4 of 44
    g4dudeg4dude Posts: 1,016member
    [quote]Originally posted by Jamie:

    <strong>



    Define witty.</strong><hr></blockquote>



    wit·ty Â*Â*Pronunciation KeyÂ*Â*(wt)

    adj. wit·ti·er, wit·ti·est

    1.\tPossessing or demonstrating wit in speech or writing; very clever and humorous.

    2.\tCharacterized by or having the nature of wit; funny or jocular: a witty saying.

    3.\tQuick to discern and express amusing insights or relationships.

    4.\tEntertainingly and strikingly clever or original in concept, design, or performance: a witty sculpture; witty choreography.
  • Reply 5 of 44
    jambojambo Posts: 3,036member
    Thanks, I can now safely confirm that, no, it was not witty.



    J :cool:
  • Reply 6 of 44
    g4dudeg4dude Posts: 1,016member
    [quote]Originally posted by Jamie:

    <strong>Thanks, I can now safely confirm that, no, it was not witty.



    J :cool: </strong><hr></blockquote>



    not clever or humorous? Damn. Someone else try then, damnit
  • Reply 7 of 44
    brbr Posts: 8,395member
    [quote]Originally posted by G4Dude:

    <strong>



    not clever or humorous? Damn. Someone else try then, damnit</strong><hr></blockquote>



    My first reply should count.
  • Reply 8 of 44
    Do you have the time?

    Certainly. And I don't plan on giving any to you.
  • Reply 9 of 44
    Not so much a reply to a question, but more of a prompt response to an insult:



    I was in Westwood Village this morning, and I walked past a (male) runner who was jogging on the spot at an intersection waiting to cross Wilshire Boulevard. The windows of a car waiting at the stoplights were suddenly were wound down and a loud chorus of FAGGOT!!!!! and similar commentary came from the four lads inside, obviously directed at the unfortunate runner, probably because he happened to be wearing a rather skimpy pair of shorts. The runner instantly yelled back "It takes one to know one!" followed quickly after by "sorry lads, but you're out of luck!!". This prompted a volley of angry Neanderthal-sounding shrieks from the car, which were then immediately drowned out by revving engines as the lights changed. The runner, totally unfazed, continued on his way. I reckoned it was probably a stock response he had for insults hurled fom car windows by jerks, but funny nonetheless. Sheesh, there are some creeps around.
  • Reply 10 of 44
    jeffyboyjeffyboy Posts: 1,055member
    Stolen from the venerable George Costanza:



    EVERY time anyone asks me "Guess who (blah, blah, blah)" I say, "Mick Jagger!"



    Jeff



    [ 07-20-2002: Message edited by: jeffyboy ]</p>
  • Reply 11 of 44
    spindlerspindler Posts: 713member
    When someone says to you "I got a question for you" you say "For how much?" as in a game show. Then after a few more times you say sharply "For how much? Nothing is free"
  • Reply 12 of 44
    cosmonutcosmonut Posts: 4,872member
    "Guess what?"



    "Monkey's butt?"



    I ACTUALLY use that a great deal. <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
  • Reply 13 of 44
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    No I've not lost it. I just can't find it right now.
  • Reply 14 of 44
    markjomarkjo Posts: 28member
    - "Can I ask you a question?"

    - "You just did."
  • Reply 15 of 44
    vargasvargas Posts: 426member
    "Guess what?"



    "You're a homosexual Martian with vampiric tendancies?"
  • Reply 16 of 44
    giaguaragiaguara Posts: 2,724member
    "can i say (or ask( you one think?"



    "no you can't" (that pisses the asker..) or

    "you alrady said / asked one thing"



    ...



    one more improper answer that i remebered cannot be answered...

    a man went to buy a ventilator and asked the price. "due e venti" .,.. "no thanks.. just one wind.." .. "due e venti = 2.20 E or $.. due venti= twi winds.. so that works only in italian
  • Reply 17 of 44
    thuh freakthuh freak Posts: 2,664member
    one of the best answers to give to any question is "affirmative", or "yes" (to the syllablly challenged), or some other affirming phrase. Sometimes a negative phrase is good, but they often just come out harsh, and not witty. ex:



    Do you know what time it is?

    yes.



    How old are you?

    affirmative.



    Can you help me with this problem?

    i agree with you.



    --



    If you were a color, what color would you be?

    i disagree with you.



    --



    its also funny to respond to a question with an overly elaborate shield of words. these work better in speech tho, and not so well intext. ex:



    Where were you born?

    There is no evidence relating me to any such information. And furthermore, I'm offended by the accusation. I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. And you can't prove anything. You should speak to my lawyer if you need further explanation.
  • Reply 18 of 44
    [quote]Originally posted by Samantha Joanne Ollendale:

    <strong>Not so much a reply to a question, but more of a prompt response to an insult:



    I was in Westwood Village this morning, and I walked past a (male) runner who was jogging on the spot at an intersection waiting to cross Wilshire Boulevard. The windows of a car waiting at the stoplights were suddenly were wound down and a loud chorus of FAGGOT!!!!! and similar commentary came from the four lads inside, obviously directed at the unfortunate runner, probably because he happened to be wearing a rather skimpy pair of shorts. The runner instantly yelled back "It takes one to know one!" followed quickly after by "sorry lads, but you're out of luck!!". This prompted a volley of angry Neanderthal-sounding shrieks from the car, which were then immediately drowned out by revving engines as the lights changed. The runner, totally unfazed, continued on his way. I reckoned it was probably a stock response he had for insults hurled fom car windows by jerks, but funny nonetheless. Sheesh, there are some creeps around.</strong><hr></blockquote>



    There are no fags in Westwood. They're in Exposition Park. And they like to wear burgundy and gold.



    There are quite a few drunk college chicks in Westwood, tho. God bless them.
  • Reply 19 of 44
    icarusicarus Posts: 31member
    Whenever some guy asks "Can I help you find something?" in a pointed radio shack style asshole know-it-all way I just make lewd noises and start to rub the merchandise.
  • Reply 20 of 44
    [quote]Originally posted by CosmoNut:

    <strong>"Guess what?"



    "Monkey's butt?"



    </strong><hr></blockquote>



    Guess who?



    Monkey Poo!
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