Axis of 'Just as Evil'

Posted:
in General Discussion edited January 2014
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.



Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil...we're the best."



Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.



"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."



International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.



Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.



Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable."



With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up...Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."



Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.



While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.



Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.



[ 03-11-2003: Message edited by: Defiant ]</p>
«1

Comments

  • Reply 1 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    idiot #1

    I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away. They should have given her the same treatment.





    idiot #2

    Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.





    idiot #3

    A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.





    idiot #4

    A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.





    idiot #5

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.





    idiot #6

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop, nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.





    idiot #7

    Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.





    idiot #8

    Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
  • Reply 2 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    yeah, I know. It's a joke thread. for jokes only. so we don't get so depressed with this so called 'war' in front of the door. aight?
  • Reply 3 of 31
    [quote]Originally posted by Defiant:

    <strong>...

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. ...</strong><hr></blockquote>



    Well of course...



    They are the 'Legion of Doom' and the US,UK,etc. are the 'Super Friends'. <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
  • Reply 4 of 31
    xionjaxionja Posts: 504member
    In a recent Onion:





    Kuwait deploys troop.







    [ 03-11-2003: Message edited by: xionja ]</p>
  • Reply 5 of 31
    outsideroutsider Posts: 6,008member
    This is for TI:



    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.
  • Reply 6 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />



    A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."



    -----------------------------------------------

    The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"



    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



    "I think you're bad luck."





    --------------------------------------------------



    A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.



    So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"



    "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."



    The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."



    So off they went to the bedroom.



    That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"



    "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."



    Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"



    So off they went to the bedroom again.



    That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.



    After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"



    "Warming up your supper!" she replies.
  • Reply 7 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    This one is bad. moderators, you know what to do if you think he's against the PG's.



    The deaf mute needed condoms and nervously approached the pharmacist. He opened his fly, put his penis on the counter, pointed to it and laid a $10 bill next to it.

    With an understanding nod, the pharmacist took his penis out, laid it beside the other man's grinned in triumph, grabbed the money and walked away.
  • Reply 9 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    Sorry blondes...



    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.



    The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!



    "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"



    "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.



    "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.



    "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.



    After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.



    The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;



    "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.



    "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."



    "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.



    "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.



    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"
  • Reply 10 of 31
    powerdocpowerdoc Posts: 8,123member
    [quote]Originally posted by Defiant:

    <strong>Sorry blondes...



    One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.



    The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!



    "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"



    "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.



    "It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.



    "Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.



    After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.



    The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;



    "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.



    "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."



    "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.



    "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.



    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"</strong><hr></blockquote>

    This one is lame. But the one speaking of the wedding and hell is great

  • Reply 11 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.



    Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."



    Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"



    B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."



    P: "Uh ... How's that working?"



    B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."



    P. "And why do you think that is?"



    B. "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."



    ------------------------



    A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.



    The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"





    The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"





    The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"



    --------------------



    Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.



    The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks." The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"



    They argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.



    ---------------------



    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.



    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly--from the sky--a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.



    Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



    The Blond, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.



    The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



    She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"



    The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"



    ---------------------



    Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - poof - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

    Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.



    Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - poof - - -. The mirror swallows her.



    Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." - - - poof - - -



    ---------------------------



    REAL LIFE STORY NUMBER 1



    Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.



    And, yes, Linda is a blonde



    ------------------------



    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....



    Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"



    Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."



    Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"



    Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."



    At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.



    Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."



    Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".



    ---------------------



    A young ventriloquist (Bauchredner) is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.



    He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.



    "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,

    "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."



    Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"



    -----------------



    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?



    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."



    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"



    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up

    with?



    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."



    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."



    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.



    "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does

    in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?





    "That's easy," the blonde replied.

    "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.



    ----------------------



    A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.

    She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

    "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal,

    and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says,

    "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."



    Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911

    dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same

    blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde,

    "I was in the back seat!"



    ------------------------



    This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?"

    The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"

    He answers, "$35."

    She, "How much for the black one?"

    He, "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."

    She, "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

    A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He, "$35."

    She, "How much for the white one?"

    He, "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."

    She, "I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

    About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He, "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."

    She, How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"

    He, "Well, that's a very special dildo it'll cost you $165."

    She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

    Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"



    ----------------------------



    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a

    handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to

    the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs

    for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that

    the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's

    wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,

    "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The

    man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."



    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I

    had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached

    in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not

    a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



    --------------------------



    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his

    attractive, blond, female neighbor came out of the

    house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it,

    looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into

    her house.



    A little later she came out of her house again, went to

    the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut

    again. Angrily, back into the house she went.



    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she

    came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and

    then slammed it closed harder than ever.



    Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is

    something wrong?"



    To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid

    computer keeps telling me I have mail!"



    ------------------------....
  • Reply 12 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    xionja:
  • Reply 13 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    Why Engineers don't write recipe books





    Chocolate Chip Cookies:

    Ingredients:



    532.35 cm3 gluten

    4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

    4.9 cm3 refined halite

    236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

    177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

    177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

    4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

    Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

    473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

    236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)



    To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.



    Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium."
  • Reply 14 of 31
    defiantdefiant Posts: 4,876member
    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.



    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,



    "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"



    The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."



    The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
  • Reply 15 of 31
    Quiet day at work Defiant?
  • Reply 16 of 31
    xionjaxionja Posts: 504member
    <a href="http://www.mob.net/~ted/insult.php3"; target="_blank">http://www.mob.net/~ted/insult.php3</a>;



    have lots of fun



    "May 512 kleptomaniac Mikes eat at the "lepers Street Cafe" and order 2 helpings of 2 percent milk of power while kicking your silicone enhanced ant farm."
  • Reply 17 of 31
    trumptmantrumptman Posts: 16,464member
    My contributions...



    Rita Rudner's 50 Facts on Men.



    1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.



    2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



    3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few

    weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my

    husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.



    4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually

    cancels out the nice of "bald."



    5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where

    there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.



    6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he

    watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can

    help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from

    our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off

    the phone in case they call him.



    7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during the

    play-off season.



    8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.



    9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not

    being the first upsetting to their psyches.



    10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.



    11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever

    care about anyone else.



    12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in

    private; in public they have to know.



    13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.



    14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,

    instead of a gun.



    15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have

    jobs and bathe.



    16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a

    combination address book, telescope and piano.



    17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These

    seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.



    18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the

    last log does not burn, he will take it personally.



    19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get

    a bikini wax.



    20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me

    for a list of names.



    21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.



    22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:

    depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.



    23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out

    in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable

    heaters that snore.



    24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man

    walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of

    here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."



    25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the

    first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.



    26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more

    types of lettuce, he is serious.



    27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he

    a) got older,

    b) got a new job, or

    c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.

    The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.



    28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter

    and briefer, and players' shorts get bagggier and longer.



    29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying

    he wished he could be Cary Grant.



    30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.



    31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.



    32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.



    33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie

    THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.



    34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and

    creatively fulfilled?"

    Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"



    35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...

    he didn't lose your number...he didn't die.

    He just didn't want to call you.



    36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis.

    I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"

    He said, "Yes, but not with each other."



    37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight

    should do it out of sight of women.



    38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.

    "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" sound like a challenge.

    If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I

    want to marry you...I want to have your children."

    Sometimes they leave skid marks.



    39. Men accept compliments much better than women do.

    Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks."

    On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do?

    Must be the lighting."



    40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.



    41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.



    42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a

    woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.



    43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because

    their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually

    button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but

    we also need men to help us get dressed.



    44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.

    Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.



    45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will

    assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet

    that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.



    46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.

    With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.

    Male menopause - you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.



    47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.



    48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten

    what happened.



    49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.



    50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
  • Reply 18 of 31
    trumptmantrumptman Posts: 16,464member
    Some more...



    Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale

    by Jim Garner

    copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993

    originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993



    There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large woods. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.



    So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.



    On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."



    The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."



    Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."



    Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house

    and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.



    Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."



    The wolf said, "Come here where I can see you."

    Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"



    "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."



    "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."



    "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."



    "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"



    The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.



    Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician,

    as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.



    "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.



    "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"



    When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of

    purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever

    after.





    Nick
  • Reply 19 of 31
    trumptmantrumptman Posts: 16,464member
    Lastly some musician jokes...



    Woodwinds



    Piccolo Jokes



    How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?



    Shoot one.



    Double Reed Jokes



    Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?



    The bassoon burns longer.



    What is a burning oboe good for?



    Setting a bassoon on fire.



    What is the definition of a half step?



    Two oboes playing in unison.



    Why did the chicken cross the road?



    To get away from the bassoon recital.



    Clarinet Jokes



    How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Only one, but it takes him forever to find just the right bulb.



    What's the definition of ``nerd?''



    Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.



    What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?



    Gifted.



    Saxophone Jokes



    How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.



    What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?



    1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles.



    2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.



    3. The grip.



    The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, ``Honey, I think you better pull out now.''



    He replies, ``Why? Am I sharp?''



    Brass



    Trumpet Jokes



    How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.



    What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?



    I don't know either.



    In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, ``I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!''



    Trombone Jokes



    What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?



    1. Vibrato.



    2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.



    How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?



    1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.



    2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!



    How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?



    The doorbell drags.



    What is a gentleman?



    Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.



    What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?



    A optimist.



    What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?



    The squirrel was on his way to a gig.



    How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.



    How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?



    His hat says ``Domino's''



    How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?



    Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.



    What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?



    ``Year-At-A-Glance.''



    French Horn Jokes



    How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?



    Have them miss every other note.



    How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?



    Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.



    What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?



    You can tune a '57 Chevy.



    What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?



    A goalpost that can't march.



    How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.



    There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.



    ``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.



    ``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she.



    ``Did he have class?'' said the friend. The friend's ears perked up as the woman said: ``Well, most of the time, yes, but I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''



    ``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.



    ``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!''



    Tuba Jokes



    What's the range of a tuba?



    Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!



    How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?



    Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.



    What's a tuba for?



    1 1/2'' by 3 1/2'' unless you request ``full cut.''



    Percussion



    Percussionist Jokes



    How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?



    None. They have a machine to do it for them.



    Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?



    So you don't have to retrain the drummers.



    What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?



    A drummer.



    What did the drummer get on his IQ test?



    Drool.



    How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?



    The knock always slows down.



    How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?



    Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.



    Why do bands have bass players?



    To translate for the drummer.



    How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?



    One, but he'll break 5 of them before he figures out you can't just push them in.



    Why do drummers have a half-ounce more brains than hors



    So they don't disgrace themselves inthe parade.



    Heard backstage: ``Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!''



    Bodhran Jokes



    What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?



    A bodhran player.



    What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?



    Terrorists have sympathisers.



    How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?



    The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.



    What do bodhran players use for birth control?



    Their personalities.



    What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?



    A razor blade.



    Vocalist Jokes



    Soprano Jokes:



    If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)



    1. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.



    2. Who cares?



    What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?



    You can negotiate with a terrorist.



    What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?



    The lipstick.



    What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?



    The jewelry.



    How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?



    Just one. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.



    How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?



    Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.



    What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?



    Stage makeup.



    What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?



    About 10 pounds.



    How is a soubrette different from a sewer rat?



    Some people actually like sewer rats.



    What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra?



    One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.



    How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?



    The horses seem very relieved.



    What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning?



    Gets up and goes home.



    What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?



    Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.



    A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told ``Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing.''



    Tenor Jokes:



    How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?



    Four--one to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.



    What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?



    A tenor.



    How do you tell if a tenor is dead?



    The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.



    How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?



    Shine a flashlight in her ear.



    Where is a tenor's resonance?



    Where his brain should be.



    What's the definition of a male quartet?



    Three men and a tenor.



    Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)



    If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
  • Reply 20 of 31
    alcimedesalcimedes Posts: 5,486member
    How did the New Zealander find the sheep in the tall grass?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .



    Very satisfying.



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