Folks,
here it comes the thread, that won't suck.
I want to hear something. Drop your very best jokes on M$, drop some dirt! That's it.
I start with:
«The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck, is probably the day they start making vacum cleaners.»
best
Comments
The pilot shook his head for a moment, then smiled and headed off to the nearest airport. He knew that the technically correct but practically useless answer could only come from the Microsoft Headquarters, and knowing that he was in Redmond, the pilot plotted his point on a map and successfully landed.
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling
by train to a computer conference.
At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and
watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their
respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they
get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To
their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft
engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket,
please..."
<strong>Cheap Msft and Aapl engineers:
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling
by train to a computer conference.
At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and
watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their
respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they
get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To
their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves
his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft
engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket,
please..."</strong><hr></blockquote>
lol! <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" />
-Owl
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...XP
How do Apple employees count to 10?
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...X
They both do it but Microsoft employees cant handle roman numerals.
Ok, that was lame.
<strong>I don't think that could even qualify as lame.
Fine, fine mental?
Heres another.
Eventually Bill dies and goes to St Peter...
St Peter is embarrased.
He says, you see your house up there on the hill?
Bill sees the house, it is nice but not outrageously big. Bill says to Peter, "I like it but why is that house so much bigger than mine?
Peter looks at the house Bill refers to and sees the nice white house with black Apple logo shutters and sheepishly says to Bill, "Who"s house do you think that belongs to?"
Bill says, "Why its Steve Jobs' house, why is his bigger than mine?"
Saint peter rolls over laughing out loud and says, "Thats not Steves house Steve was granted eternal life. That house is GOD's"
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch is nine". In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is
saying. "Billy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?" Little Bill
answered, "I'm doing my Math homework, Mom". She said, "And is that what your
teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes."
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving,
goes to Little Bill's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his
Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Little
Leroy's mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught
them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
Bill Gates:
What about "internationalization" and "localization" of our software in foreign locales.
Windows Programmer:
It seems that these words are too much of a mouthful for everyday use in the
computer industry.
Bill Gates:
What??? Than, from now on "Internationalization" is commonly written as "I18N" (pronounced "I eighteen N"), since there are 18 letters between the I and
the N. Following a similar logic, localization is written as "L10N" (pronounced "L ten N"). Software that has been internationalized is even said to have been "I18N'd". Who are the owners of these terms?
"Some philosophers I'd try to master,
If only my brain wasn't pasta:
Derrida and Kant
Aristotle and my aunt
Yet people just call me 'philosophaster'."
hm, sounds good, i think i will just do an easter egg with it ... (following lines are somewhat unreadable)
A former MS employee dies and goes to heaven (hey, he was just doin his job). While getting oriented with the help of St. Peters he notices a wall full of clocks, each with the name of a software company on it, however each one tells a different time, and seems to be moving at a different pace.
"Whats with the clocks?" the former MS employee asks St. Peters
"They tell us when a company releases a bug in a product. Every time a bug is released it teicks forward one notch."
The former MS emplyee laughs and goes looking for Microsofts clock. Upon inspection of every clock he notices that none of them say microsoft.
"Hey, why isnt Microsoft up here?" He asks St. Peters
The saint simply replies:
"Oh, we use that one to fan hell"
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Great news for Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.
The world's smartest man?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
Is Windows a virus?
With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.
Maybe Windows really is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.
I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Microsoft versus GM
Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
Microsoft runs the I.R.S.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
-- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
-- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
-- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
-- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
-- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
-- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
-- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Bill Gates, Andrew Grove from Intel and Jerry Sanders from AMD are having a conference.
Suddenly Bill Gates starts to talk to his watch... Grove and Sanders are surprised.
"Thats the new telephone feature from Microsoft at Work it comes with Windows96" describes Bill Gates.
Five minutes later Andy Groves interrupts the conference. "Sorry, it's a call" and starts to talk very silent. "That's the newest Intel-Product. A satellite-telephone in my tooth."
Just a few seconds lets out a loud fart: "Give me some paper ! I'm receiving a fax !
Top 10 Things People Think the 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For
1.The year it was DUE to ship
2.The number of MHz required for the operating system to run
3.The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade
4.The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run
5.The number of minutes to install
6.The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system
7.The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual
8.The number of megabytes of hard-disc space required
9.The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware
10.The number of floppies it will ship on
An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?"
The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one."
After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes,
it came to me that it might have been:
LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that became a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...
Multitasking
You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !
Built-in Networking
You can crash several PC's all at once.
No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
Microsoft Network
Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.
PnP
Plug and Pray (that it works)
Multimedia
Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.
Compatible with existing software
It will also crash your existing software.
Increased Productivity
You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer ! That's product-ivity.
User-Friendly
Picture of clouds
State of the Art
Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.
MacIntosh-like
It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.
Online Registration
Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life.
MS Plus
More money for Bill's plus side.
Optimize
It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity".
Questions and Answer Jokes:
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box.
Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Microsoft have announced that their latest Operating system - Windows 98 is to be renamed prior to its launch, to "Diana".
A spokesman from Microsoft said that it was in tribute to the late Princess of Wales and is a fitting name for a product that will look flash, be mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources and crash spectacularly.
This is regarding the $100 million cash infusion from Microsoft to Apple deal:
Q: What do you get when you combine Microsoft with Apple?
A: Microsoft
Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.
The first one says,
"My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"
The second one says,
"My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"
The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says,
"My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."
The name Microsoft
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.
They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune." Bill said with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"
So, Hugh gives Bill her number and bill sets up a date.
They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies, "Thank you Bill...And now I know how you chose the name... Microsoft."
Windows
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
In these times, some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at
the dinosaur bones. One of them asks Bill, the guard, "Can you tell me how old
the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"
Bill, the guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."
(well it's somewhat lame, i know, but, anyway, it's funny, isn't it?)
to go and tell JOBS that they were done with him.
The M$ guy walked up to JOBS and said, "Ok, STEVE, gamesover, we've decided that we no
longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone MacOS and do many
miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
STEVE listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the M$ guy was
done talking, STEVE said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the M$ guy happily agreed.
STEVE added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with WOZ."
The M$ guy said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.
STEVE looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!"
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an
engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours
it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that
a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10
hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the
intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he
announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it
would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one M§ employ.
turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine,
or we'll be up here forever with windows!"
? just a secret record on Bills weekly psychiatry couching...
Psychiatrist:
Well, Bill, lets start work, lets start with some simple questions. What is the meaning of "Homoscedasticity " ?
Bill:
Homogeneous elasticity betweeen different sizes of rubber bands?
Psychiatrist:
Good, next one. What is the meaning of "Interpolate"?
Bill:
Breeding a statistician with a clergyman to
produce the much sought "honest statistician".
Psychiatrist:
Oh well, i see youv've done some homework. Next one. What is the meaning of "Standard normal deviates"
Bill (a bit unsure):
A Windows user group of sociopaths who were formally normal people?
Gates:
Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average
number of legs? It's obvious really; amongst the 247 million people in
USA there are probably 15,000 people who have only got one leg.
Therefore the average number of legs is
(15000 * 1) + 246,995,000 * 2)
---------------------------------- = 1.9999123......
247,000,000
Since most people have 2 legs.......
Ballmer:
I love your ideas, Bill...
Apple employeer #1:
"Come on buddy, give me a break!"
Apple employeer #2:
"I don't know, Jack."
Apple employeer #1:
"Just give me a break!"
Apple employeer #2:
Hm ... M$ inc. was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They performed their common recruitment test and brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her" The guy looked at them and said" No I can't do it" So the M$ employeer brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. "He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the M$ employeer who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so the M$ guys were worried. They said" Your husband is in that room and I want you to shoot him." "Alright" she announced. She went into the room and the M$ guys heard a lot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. "What the hell is going on"
"Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair."