Winblows joke

Comments

• Reply 1 of 21

  digitaldave Posts: 445member

  August 29, 2003 12:11AM

  
• Reply 2 of 21

  ghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member

  August 29, 2003 12:31AM

  Current Hardware? Moving to General Discussion.
• Reply 3 of 21

  placebo Posts: 5,767member

  August 29, 2003 11:12AM

  That's great. Microsoft has always struck me as acting like a toddler, complete with the inflated sense of entitlement and ownership of everything.
• Reply 4 of 21

  ast3r3x Posts: 5,012member

  August 29, 2003 12:46PM

  Don't good jokes normally contain...what's it called, oh yes punch-lines?
  
  
  
  
  
  Not to be an ass.
  
  
  
  Here is a joke (not anti windows) that shouldn't offend anyone...it took me a while to find one. It's amusing.
  
  

  Quote:
  

  
  In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
  
  
  
  "Talking Dog for Sale."
  
  
  
  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
  
  in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and
  
  sees a black mutt just sitting there.
  
  
  
  "You talk?" he asks.
  
  
  
  "Sure do." the dog replies.
  
  
  
  "So, what's your story?"
  
  The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my
  
  gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help
  
  the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and
  
  in no time they had me jetting from country to
  
  country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
  
  leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
  
  eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
  
  spies eight years running."
  
  "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew
  
  I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle
  
  down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do
  
  some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
  
  suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
  
  some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
  
  batch of medals."
  
  
  
  "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
  
  retired."
  
  
  
  The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the
  
  owner what he wants for the dog.
  
  
  
  The owner says, "Ten dollars."
  
  
  
  The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth
  
  are you selling him so cheap?"
  
  
  
  "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
  

  
  

  
  
  And if that didn't make you laugh...
• Reply 5 of 21

  crusader Posts: 1,129member

  August 29, 2003 2:47PM

  Hmm, is it just me or does that joke seem like it should be performed by the Monty Python gang?
• Reply 6 of 21

  blue2kdave Posts: 652member

  August 29, 2003 3:50PM

  Quote:
  

  
  Originally posted by ast3r3x
  
  And if that didn't make you laugh...
  

  
  

  
  
  I laughed for 5 minutes at this. Thank you.
• Reply 7 of 21

  willoughby Posts: 1,457member

  August 29, 2003 7:59PM

  Why is a penguin getting smacked in the head so damn funny? When my eyes stop watering from laughing so hard, I'll try and figure it out.
• Reply 8 of 21

  ghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member

  August 29, 2003 8:21PM

  Quote:
  

  
  Originally posted by ast3r3x
  
  Here is a joke (not anti windows) that shouldn't offend anyone...it took me a while to find one. It's amusing.
  

  
  

  
  
  Yeah, it's tough finding a joke that all the tight assed folks here won't find offensive. These days, at least in the states, everyone seems to be offended by almost everything. Political Correctness sucks sometimes.
• Reply 9 of 21

  ast3r3x Posts: 5,012member

  August 29, 2003 9:48PM

  Quote:
  

  
  Originally posted by LoCash
  
  Yeah, it's tough finding a joke that all the tight assed folks here won't find offensive. These days, at least in the states, everyone seems to be offended by almost everything. Political Correctness sucks sometimes.
  

  
  

  
  
  I have a wealth of jokes (funnier then the one above) but since I don't want to be possibly banned from AppleInsider I thought it better not to share them.
• Reply 10 of 21

  sledgehammer Posts: 505member

  August 29, 2003 11:36PM

  Quote:
  

  
  Originally posted by LoCash
  
  Yeah, it's tough finding a joke that all the tight assed folks here won't find offensive. These days, at least in the states, everyone seems to be offended by almost everything. Political Correctness sucks sometimes.
  

  
  

  
  
  Correction. Political Correctness sucks all the time.
• Reply 11 of 21

  foad Posts: 717member

  August 30, 2003 10:01PM

  Ahhh....I love laughing! That made my day better! Thanks guys!!
• Reply 12 of 21

  gardenofearthlydelights Posts: 963member

  August 31, 2003 4:45AM

  Off topic, but I have to post this, although it's been posted before:
  
  
  
  World's Funniest Joke - 2002
  
  
  
  

  Quote:
  

  
  Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn?t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
  
  
  
  He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??
  
  
  
  The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ?Take it easy. I can help. First, let?s make sure he?s dead.?
  
  
  
  There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
  
  
  
  Back on the phone, the hunter says, ?Ok, now what??
  

  
  

  
  
  
• Reply 13 of 21

  tokenfirstyear Posts: 32member

  August 31, 2003 8:48PM

  That penguin joke - however funny (and it is) - is a just a very good 'photoshop' job. have a search around and you'll find another one where the penguin 'trips' the other one, instead of slapping 'im.
  
  
  
  I know when we talk about still photos we can say it's been photoshopped, but can we say a movie has been.. Final Cutted? Shaken? Premiered...?
  
  
  
  i'm dying here people...
• Reply 14 of 21

  ghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member

  September 1, 2003 11:07PM

  "Good morning Hal..."
  
  " ...Good morning Dave."
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Las time I checked the windows xp setup program did not talk to the user... it just did its job.
• Reply 15 of 21

  alpha mac Posts: 463member

  September 2, 2003 12:59PM

  Quote:
  

  
  Originally posted by Crusader
  
  Hmm, is it just me or does that joke seem like it should be performed by the Monty Python gang?
  

  
  

  
  
  Yep
• Reply 16 of 21

  luca Posts: 3,833member

  September 2, 2003 1:39PM

  A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" and the grasshopper says "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"
  
  
  
  ----------
  
  
  
  A man dies and a demon takes him down the long elevator to hell. When he gets there the devil asks him which room he'd like to spend eternity in. He has three choices. One room is full of people being branded and burned, screaming in agony. The second is full of people being pricked with needles and stung by bees. The third has a bunch of guys standing around in a big pool full of shit, drinking coffee.
  
  
  
  "I'll take the third room. It doesn't seem as bad as the other two. I don't even really mind the smell of shit that much."
  
  
  
  "Okay, in you go." The devil hands him a cup of coffee and leaves.
  
  
  
  Five minutes later the devil opens the door and announces, "Okay, everyone. Coffee break is over, back on your heads."
  
  
  
  ----------
  
  
  
  Why is pee yellow and semen white?
  
  So a guy can tell if he's coming or going. (ba-dum-cha)
  
  
  
  ----------
  
  
  
  What would be the best name for a pirate woman?
  
  Peggy.
  
  
  
  How about a pirate's dog?
  
  Patches.
  
  
  
  And what occupation would Peggy the pirate do other than robbery on the high seas?
  
  She could be a hooker.
  
  
  
  ----------
  
  
  
  You hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
  
  He was up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
  
  
  
  ----------
  
  
  
  Three guys die and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter says that in order to get in they have to all say how they died. First one starts talking...
  
  
  
  "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me so I drove around town for about an hour before coming back home. I tore through the house screaming and looking for the bastard, until I got to the balcony and I saw this dude with no shirt on just hanging from my balcony. I starting hitting his hands and kicking them until he fell. I was so angry that with my adrenaline rush I lifted up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. Then I had a heart attack and here I am."
  
  
  
  Then the second guy... "So, I was working out on my balcony one hot day when I slipped and fell. Luckily I managed to grab onto the railing to another balcony but it darn near ripped my arms out of their sockets and I couldn't pull myself up. Then some guy comes out of the apartment and starts wailing on my hands! I couldn't hang on, but again, to my luck, I bounced off an awning and into some bushes. Just as I was getting my composure, I looked up and saw this refrigerator falling. Before I could get out of the way it fell and hit me, and here I am."
  
  
  
  "Hmm..." says St. Peter. "Looks like you guys have some explaining to do. Anyway, how about you?" he says to the third guy.
  
  
  
  "So anyway, I was sitting in this refrigerator..."
• Reply 17 of 21

  ast3r3x Posts: 5,012member

  September 2, 2003 2:08PM

  The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a
  
  billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America
  
  used this line in an ad slogan:
  
  
  
  "MS: It's not a software company"
  
  
  
  exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an
  
  altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been
  
  met by a surly silence by Microsoft, which doesn't relish the
  
  association of ideas but is painfully aware that it can't afford to
  
  appear insensitive over such an issue.
  
  
  
  Seasoned information technology professionals will have no trouble
  
  telling the two MS's apart: One is a debilitating and surprisingly
  
  widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform
  
  the simplest task. The other is a disease.
  
  
  
  -----------------
  
  
  
  A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
  
  >"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
  
  >St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
  
  >"Just a couple minutes ago."
  
  
  
  ---------------------- Warning May Be offended
  
  
  
  Heaven Vs. Hell
  
  
  
  An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting with St. Peter at the "Pearly Gates" when all of sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
  
  
  
  
  
  "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
  
  
  
  The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
  
  
  
  Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
  
  
  
  "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
  
  
  
  "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
  
  
  
  "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
  
  
  
  "Yes," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."
  
  
  
  Have a great day,
• Reply 18 of 21

  jll Posts: 2,713member

  September 2, 2003 2:24PM

  The CIA was hiring, but they're very picky and needed to make sure they had the right person for the job. Out of the thousands of resumes that were recieved, the CIA chose three as final candidates.
  
  
  
  They took the first man and brought him to a door. They said to him, "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
  
  
  
  The man stared at them in horror. "I can't shoot my wife," he told them.
  
  
  
  "Then you are not who we are looking for," they answered. "Go. Take your wife and go home."
  
  
  
  They called the next man and gave him the same talk: "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
  
  
  
  This man took the gun and walked into the room. After a moment, the door opened and he came out sobbing. "I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot my wife," he said.
  
  
  
  "Then you are not the person for this job. Take your wife and go home."
  
  
  
  The last person was then called into the room and the CIA told her: "You are the last candidate, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your husband, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot him with this gun. When you're husband is dead, you shall be given the job."
  
  
  
  The woman nodded in understanding, took the pistol, and went into the room. After a moment, the CIA heard: Pop! as the gun went off. After a brief hesitation, they heard pop! pop! The CIA looked at each other with arches eyebrows. The gun fired eight more times. That's when all hell broke loose. There was a loud crash followed by screaming, crashing, and thumping sounds. After a few moments, there was silence and the door slowly crept open. The wife came out, bloodied, and told the CIA, "Man. You guys must have accidently filled that gun with blanks! When that didn't work, I had to beat the bastard dead with the chair. "
  
  
  
  
  
  ----
  
  
  
  
  
  "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
  
  
  
  "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
  
  
  
  "The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
  
  
  
  
  
  ----
  
  
  
  First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"
  
  
  
  ----
  
  
  
  A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a sandwich and a drink.
  
  When he finished, he pulled out a pistol and shot out the place, scaring
  
  customers and breaking dishes, glasses and liqour bottles before turning
  
  to leave. Shocked, the manager said, "Hey, where are you going?" The panda
  
  glanced back over his shoulder and said, "I'm a panda, look it up," before
  
  disappearing out the door. The bartender pulled out a dictionary and
  
  thumbed through it until he found an entry for panda. The definition read,
  
  "A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black
  
  and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
• Reply 19 of 21

  luca Posts: 3,833member

  September 2, 2003 2:41PM

  Some good Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers:
  
  
  
  "What's shaking, Norm?"
  
  "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
  
  
  
  "What's new, Normie?"
  
  "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
  
  
  
  "What'd you like, Normie?"
  
  "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
  
  
  
  "What'll you have, Normie?"
  
  "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
  
  "Looks like beer, Norm."
  
  "Call me Mister Lucky."
  
  
  
  "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
  
  "Like a baby treats a diaper."
  
  
  
  "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
  
  
  
  "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
  
  "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
  
  
  
  "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
  
  
  
  "Whatcha up to, Norm?"
  
  "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
  
  
  
  "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "Poor."
  
  "I'm sorry to hear that."
  
  "No, I mean pour."
  
  
  
  "How's life treating you, Norm?"
  
  "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
  
  
  
  "Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
  
  
  
  "What's going down, Normie?"
  
  "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
  
  
  
  "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
  
  
  
  "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone
  
  underwear."
  
  
  
  "What's the story, Norm?"
  
  "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
  
  
  
  "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
  
  "A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
  
  "For a beer?"
  
  "No, for stupid questions."
  
  
  
  EDIT: I found these here.
• Reply 20 of 21

  ast3r3x Posts: 5,012member

  September 2, 2003 3:15PM

  My boss sends me them...I'll post more later.