Hey Teachers, I Need Some Advice (urgent)

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  • Reply 21 of 31
    pfflampfflam Posts: 5,053member
    Let me add that if you do go, and I think you should, you should make sure and give in person condolences as well as mailing the card . . . .



    but I could be way off base . . . and am known to sometimes be too cautious about interpersonal relations . . . so bear that in mind.
  • Reply 22 of 31
    ibrowseibrowse Posts: 1,749member
    Absolutely go. I can understand not wanted to get the card signed when the boyfriend would be in class, I mean, it's probably the last thing he would want brought up. Go, show the positive impact she had on everybody.
  • Reply 23 of 31
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by pfflam

    I would play it safe and NOT present the card at the viewing but mail it with a note explaining that you did not feel that it was the appropriate moment to give the class-collective-condolence . . . playing it safe is better than bringing up potentially awkward emotional scenes in public.



    Good point. That also gives me some time to write up a note that doesn't sound like a damned letter of recommendation.
  • Reply 24 of 31
    scottscott Posts: 7,431member
    Bring the card and hand to them or someone collecting stuff for them.
  • Reply 25 of 31
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Thanks, everyone, for the advice. At the moment, I'm planning to drive down tomorrow after my class, leave the card and note with someone, express my condolences to the parents, and quietly slip out.



    The only issue, at this point, is that I *think* the family might be LDS (Mormons), and I don't know (nor do any of my LDS friends) whether or not the church has any weirdness about suicide. The best word I'm getting is that there should be no problems.



    Anyway. Thanks all. The note is written, and it doesn't sound like a letter of recommendation. I'll buy the card tomorrow in between my classes, and will have everyone sign it. Then I'll hoof it down to the funeral home in the town just to the south of us.



    All ya'll's input is much appreciated.



    Cheers

    Scott
  • Reply 26 of 31
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Hey everyone.



    First off, thanks for all of the replies. They are much appreciated.



    After my class today, I drove (through the snow, listening to the new Sarah McLachlan on my iPod) down to the funeral home with a card from the class. I was lucky enough to bump into my student's boyfriend (who is also in the class), who introduced me to her father and pointed out her mother. I gave the father the card, expressed my (and my class's) sympathies, and stood in line to speak with the mother, who quickly looked at me and asked if I'd known her daughter. I told her who I was and gave her my condolences. She said "Are you the one who convinced her to read Good Omens?" (I had mentioned something from it off-handedly in class one day, and she'd asked me more about it, then a few weeks ago devoured it in one sitting, apparently). I told her I was.



    She said "I'm halfway through it."



    I replied "It's a funny book."



    She said, "It has its moments. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go to hell just for reading it!" And we had a good laugh.



    We talked for just a minute or so more, and then I signed the book and quietly slipped out.



    --



    I must admit that I was a little disturbed by the way the funeral home was arranged. I'm used to the body bring off in an alcove or annex while the people gather in an adjoining room. I walked in the door, and she was at the other end of the room in the coffin. I hadn't intended to view the body. I didn't want to see the body.



    I had wanted to remember her the way I knew her: sitting on the back row of my classroom with a look in her eyes like she was about to ask me some question that was way out of the league of the rest of the students in the class.



    Thanks again, everyone.



    Cheers

    Scott
  • Reply 27 of 31
    brussellbrussell Posts: 9,812member
    Hey midwinter, I'm just curious - it seems odd to me that a student who seemed to you to be engaging and active in school would commit suicide. Were there any other signs of problems? Was she attending classes regularly? Do you know anything else about her or what was going on in her life that might have played a role in her suicide?
  • Reply 28 of 31
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by BRussell

    Hey midwinter, I'm just curious - it seems odd to me that a student who seemed to you to be engaging and active in school would commit suicide. Were there any other signs of problems? Was she attending classes regularly? Do you know anything else about her or what was going on in her life that might have played a role in her suicide?



    So far as I know, there were NO signs. Hell, the last time I saw her alive, she came to class so sick that she had curled her entire body up inside her sweatshirt (legs and all) and could barely hold her head up. When I asked her if she needed to go home, she said "I don't want to miss class!"



    Early in the semester, she and her boyfriend took a trip to KS for a wedding, and I'll be damned if they didn't email me drafts of their essays along the way.



    The only clue I have that something might've been wrong is that a couple of weeks ago she fell in the shower and hit her head. When I asked her about it (we were talking about concussions) she volunteered the following:



    "I'm a panicky person."



    And I asked if she experienced panic attacks, and she said she didn't...something about simply passing out and then hyperventilating.



    I honestly have no idea what brought this on. She was excited about her next assignment for me. She was here on a full academic scholarship. She was publishing poetry and winning writing awards, and wanted to go to Julliard.



    All I can think is that there was either some chronic mental problem that I was unaware of or that there was something acute that triggered this awful response.



    Cheers

    Scott



    PS

    I left word with another teacher of hers that she had died, and he, too, hailed her as an extraordinary student.



    Edit: I should add that sometimes there just aren't any signs visible to the untrained eye. One of my best friends in high school blew his brains out with a .45, and no one, NO ONE saw it coming. He just snapped.
  • Reply 29 of 31
    pfflampfflam Posts: 5,053member
    Quote:

    Originally posted by BRussell

    Hey midwinter, I'm just curious - it seems odd to me that a student who seemed to you to be engaging and active in school would commit suicide. Were there any other signs of problems? Was she attending classes regularly? Do you know anything else about her or what was going on in her life that might have played a role in her suicide?



    Hopefully it wasn't something she read!?



    . . . just joking . . .I hope you realize . . .

    My guess is that chemical/depression probably played a part . . . but yes, midwinter, I too am curious . . . and it might be helpful to know so that I can spot signs in people I know as well as students.



    (EDIT) --posted before midwinter's reply to BRUssell
  • Reply 30 of 31
    alcimedesalcimedes Posts: 5,486member
    i think the problem is that the folks who tend to be successful often times are the ones who don't exhibit signs.
  • Reply 31 of 31
    Glad to hear all worked out fine, and hopefully you (and everybody else) never have to go through a situation like that.



    When it is unexpected, that is what hurts the most. The girl I knew hung herself. She had been speaking to people, and laughing just 30 mins earlier, and still had a warm cup of coffee on her desk.



    To this day, it still stupifies many of us, but has taught a lot of us to cherish our friendships more.
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