My relationship is over...

in General Discussion edited January 2014
So I've been with my girlfriend for about two and a half years so far, things have been great, and we've never felt better. We've had some petty arguments recently about getting me to help out around the house more, but pretty typical stuff. She has had anxiety over whether or not she wanted to stay with me in two years when I become a full time Second Lieutenant in the Marines, but that is a ways off.

So she went home to stay with her folks for two weeks, got back this past Saturday, and on Monday she says she wants to leave the relationship, be by herself in her own place, and just be independent.

This came out of left field mind you. Granted, we have some problems, but they're really just her wanting me to help out more around the apartment, and trying to get out and do things together more... like go to plays or something. And when we argue about things, it usually results in us not talking to each other for a bit, but these aren't relationship breaking issues.

Apparently they are. She says I should have seen it coming, but she never once expressed concern over the current state of our relationship. She spoke with my therapist today, and once they were done, he said I wasn't going to win this one.

I don't even know why I'm posting this... other than it's going on midnight, I'm still upset, and nobody else is awake

It would have been different had I really seen it coming, but literally, Monday morning she hits me with it, refuses to discuss it any further, and just says this is what she has to do. She has been in a hotel since then, that her parents are paying for... she comes from a rich family, and I don't. *sigh*

I'm not taking this well...


  • Reply 1 of 40
    ebbyebby Posts: 3,110member
    I hear you bro... You can always turn to the mac nuts. <img src="graemlins/smokin.gif" border="0" alt="[Chilling]" />
  • Reply 2 of 40
    emaneman Posts: 7,204member
    Sorry to hear about that. Sounds pretty bad. Hopefully she'll come back to you. You can always come to AI to bitch about things
  • Reply 3 of 40
    pscatespscates Posts: 5,847member
    Sorry to hear that. It's tough, and I know how it feels. Keep your head up, Devil Dog. It's never as bad as it seems.

    Semper fi
  • Reply 4 of 40
    ghost_user_nameghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member
    I've been through worse... it's just I really liked this one, and I hadn't foreseen anything of this nature.

    Essentially, she is saying she needs to be by herself to think about her life and where she wants to go. I'm imagining this is the sort of thing someone would go through in high school, but she has lived such a terribly sheltered life I'm not surprised by this in retrospect.

    The bigger problem is that I think talking to her about the Marines over the past few months is what did it. She is confused over thinking two years in advance about marrying me to stay with me, or leaving me and letting me go into the service. However, she says that if I chose to stay with her instead of going into the service, she doesn't want me to make any sacrifices for her. The idea of sacrificing anything for a relationship is completely foreign to her, and she pretty much said she wouldn't sacrifice any of her opportunities for us...

    So now I'm a little confused about just what she thinks a relationship is.. because part of being with that person for so long is making a sacrifice. The more I talk about it, the more I begin to feel better about getting out of this relationship. I had no idea to what extent this apparent fantasy world of hers went.

    But maybe I'm just not interpreting it right. Either way, this is going to be costing me a lot of money to separate from her, and she basically suggested that maybe in three months we could re-visit the relationship, and upon hearing that I was insulted.

    Being single again is going to suck though... I really thought this relationship was going to stick....
  • Reply 5 of 40
    agent302agent302 Posts: 974member
    My sympathies I send to you. All I can say is, wait three days or so, and then call her to talk. Time has a strange way of changing people's feelings. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
  • Reply 6 of 40
    powerdocpowerdoc Posts: 8,123member
    Well, it's seams that the problem is coming from her rather than from you (from what you say). She seems to be in great trouble and panic : she has a choice in front of her, and she is not ready to make it : she fly away.

    If you really love her, and if she is able to make the peace in his head perhaps a common future is possible.

    If she has discover that the life you propose to her, is not the life she want, it's better that the story end now.

    That's life and it's hurt : my best wishes are with you.
  • Reply 7 of 40
    fran441fran441 Posts: 3,715member
    It sounds like she just doesn't want you to go into the military. Let's face it- the military isn't exactly the best place to be right now. A guy that works with me was in the USAF for years dealing with computers, etc. and he was in Korea for a long time.

    If you plan on making the military your career, it's not exactly the best life for a family. While it's total BS that she won't talk to you about it, if she's getting upset whenever you talk about spending 2 years in the marines, she probably thinks that means that you'll end up fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, or wherever.

    If you want to be with her, keep making the effort to talk it out. If she still refuses, I don't know know what to tell you. Good luck.
  • Reply 8 of 40
    jesperasjesperas Posts: 524member
    Sorry to hear that, M3D Jack. But I think you're right about it being for the better. A relationship only works if two people can love in the same way, and it sounds like your ex has a different idea of what she wants than what you do. These are things she probably just needs to work out on her own. Just take care of yourself and keep your chin up. And I hear you about the finances, too...Boston ain't exactly easy to live in on one income...

    [ 06-06-2002: Message edited by: jesperas ]</p>
  • Reply 9 of 40
    Very sorry to hear that, M3D Jack, but having been there, let me tell you that life does go on.

    I know hearing this is not much comfort in your present situation, and two and a half years is quite a long time, but I am sure the few/many(?) of us here who this also has happened to will agree.

    From what you are saying, I feel that her parents must have leant on her. Sometimes it's a girl friend, sometimes it's the parents. Difficult to fight that, as I found out myself a few years ago, when it was the parents and a girl friend (just what did they have against me?).

    Try not to let it get you down too much, and

    good luck and chin up

    - T. (lonely) I.
  • Reply 10 of 40
    hmurchisonhmurchison Posts: 12,341member
    [quote]and just says this is what she has to do. She has been in a hotel since then, that her parents are paying for... she comes from a rich family, <hr></blockquote>

    There's the issue right there. Sounds like she never has had to struggle in life. I've known plenty of affluent young Women growing up that cracked when the going got tough. She's getting cold feet about something. It could be the Military life or something else. Trust me it's NOT about you not picking up around the house. If that was the case neither of us would have a Woman. Take it have to get the Truth out of her. She told her Parents the truth but she's having a hard time confessing to you for obvious reasons...feelings are strong.

    You may have to decide what's worth more to you. Her comments about not sacrificing her apirations for your relationship speak volumes. It means she's, perhaps, overly ambitious and the thought of being "just" a Military Wife might not appeal to her.

    Don't give up! Nothing good comes without hard work! If she's "The One" then you must put priorities in order.

    Keep talking really helps. Many of us have been through this before.
  • Reply 11 of 40
    What are you going to be doing in the Corps?
  • Reply 12 of 40
    ghost_user_nameghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member
    [quote]Originally posted by gobble gobble:

    <strong>What are you going to be doing in the Corps?</strong><hr></blockquote>

    I've been looking into the intelligence field a lot. Myself and my Officer Selection Officer have been in touch with some people in the Force Reconaissance batallion, and I'm trying to let it be known ahead of time that Force Recon is what I want to do. Once I go through the Marine Corps Basic School in Quantico, they can't promise me the job I want, but I have a better chance at getting it if I starting talking to these people now.

    But I may not even be accepted into OCS next summer, so it's all pretty questionable.
  • Reply 13 of 40
    ghost_user_nameghost_user_name Posts: 22,667member
    And thanks everyone for replying. I wasn't sure how this would roll over, and it makes me smile to see you guys do this

    She came back to the apartment early this morning to get something, and accidentally woke me up. We sat down and talked again briefly. I really don't think it is her parent's doing anymore that caused this decision. It was a combination of her not feeling good about the relationship... I mean, not helping around the apartment more is a minor thing, but the love sort of changed over the past twelve months, and that combined with her completely freaking out over me making future plans with my life... something she has never been comfortable with. we had an argument this past weekend, and that is apparently what tripped all these emotions from her when she said all of this on Monday. If it wasn't Monday that this happened, it was inevitable because she wasn't communicating her problems to me properly, and she wasn't going to.

    I have.... well, had... so much with her over the past couple of years that I don't want to let go of that, but my best friend Sean and I have been talking over the past couple of days, and he thinks I should forget about her and move on. Mainly because she is a high maintenance person... but moreso because she has hurt me like this before. about 18 months ago she cheated on me... she was teaching at this summer camp for kids, and basically let herself be taken advantage of by the person that hired her. He got her shirt off, and they slept together, but insists that was all that happened, and that there was no sex.

    Took me six months to get over that, and she beggd for my forgiveness the whole time... and we were living together for four of those six months. You know, talking about this here makes this sound pretty screwed up...

    But we talked again today, and she said she just wants to take a month alone, and doesn't want to move back in together for a long time if we do start seeing each other again in a month... which she said she would probably like to do, but didn't want to make any promises. After reading what I've said, if I was someone else reading it, I would wonder wtf my problem was and why I was even still with her.

    I guess ultimately it took me a long time to find her, and we got along great together, and I felt so incredibly good with her. I'm not ready to go looking for someone like that again. I want that sort of companionship, but I don't really like just dating... *sigh*

    But now I know that we could get back together, and I at least have a contingency plan if this whole being single thing gets to me. I'm going to try and force myself to go see some other people while waiting on her, I don't want to rely on her... and ultimately I'm going to be terrified that this happens again. God I'm a mess these days.

    So I've got to go find a new place to live today, even through I have this current place until the end of the month, I want to firm in my moving plans sooner rather than later. Don't suppose anyone in Boston is looking for a place? I'm in a great building in the Fenway, central air and heating, two bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, large living room, and it's a steal at a whopping $1050/mo.! (Total per months is $2100, split would be $1050) God, I don't know what is more depressing... breaking up, or thinking about rent in this damn city.
  • Reply 14 of 40
    [quote]Originally posted by M3D Jack:

    <strong>Mainly because she is a high maintenance person... </strong><hr></blockquote>The worst kind <img src="graemlins/oyvey.gif" border="0" alt="[No]" />

    High maintance = Selfishness

    Forget her. The sea is full of fish, whatever that means . . .

    - T.I.
  • Reply 15 of 40
    rogue27rogue27 Posts: 607member
    Hey, at least she told you now instead of burning off another two years of your life before letting you know.
  • Reply 16 of 40
    groveratgroverat Posts: 10,872member
    You realize, of course, that you aren't reading all this from an objective source. You are quite obviously minimizing issues and maximizing hers. That is natural, though, because you are hurt.

    Not helping around the house and her feeling that you don't do enough stuff together is definitely not weird or small. In a relationship, there is no such thing as a small or unimportant thing. To you, they aren't, but to her they are and if you can't see that then you might have a bigger part in this than you're letting on.

    I'm guilty of the second part in my 3-year relationship, definitely, most guys are. I'm very good around the house, though, my slovenly mother influenced me to be clean and tidy.

    She obviously isn't that bad, you were with her for 2 and a half years after all...

    Cheating is bad, though, I would've dropped her on the spot for that alone, but since you decided to move forward knowing that you can't really bring that up as an excuse.

    [ 06-06-2002: Message edited by: groverat ]</p>
  • Reply 17 of 40
    moogsmoogs Posts: 4,296member
    Jack, sorry to hear about what's been happening of late with your GF. Check your email when you get a chance....
  • Reply 18 of 40
    paulpaul Posts: 5,278member
    Well, to say the least, I'm sorry you are having trouble up in Boston... but you also have to be glad (like rouge27 said) that this happened now rather then later... Imagine 2 years from now you guys are having fights everyday over stupid things, not talking to eachother, just living with eachother because it is convienent... wouldnt that be much worse? Keep your chin up and eyes open, you never know whats going to happen Good luck with the rent situation... <img src="graemlins/hmmm.gif" border="0" alt="[Hmmm]" />

  • Reply 19 of 40
    hmurchisonhmurchison Posts: 12,341member

    Rediscover the Bachelor in yourself. You have your best friend. Experience the town. Rethink your goals and desires now that you're "technically" single. This is a life changing event. You are now forced to envision life without your GF. It's scary at first but it's also liberating.

    Who you Marry...will determine just how happy the rest of your life is. It's not a decision to take lightly. As good as this Woman is...imagine meeting someone who you think about every waking moment. Someone who compliments and (groan) completes you.

    You mate is either an asset or a detriment to your future. Choose wisely.
  • Reply 20 of 40
    scott_h_phdscott_h_phd Posts: 448member
    You all are going "Dawson's Creek" on the forum here.
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