A panda walked into a restaurant and ordered a sandwich and a drink.
When he finished, he pulled out a pistol and shot out the place, scaring customers and breaking dishes, glasses and liqour bottles before turning
to leave.
Shocked, the manager said, "Hey, where are you going?"
The panda glanced back over his shoulder and said, "I'm a panda, look it up," before disappearing out the door.
The bartender pulled out a dictionary and
thumbed through it until he found an entry for panda. The definition read, "A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
A man buys a house near by a lake so he has some nice scenery to enjoy while jogging.
One day while jogging he hears someone crying. He approaches and discovers a young lady with no arms and legs leaning against a tree. He asks "what is wrong young lady?" she says that she is 21 years old and has never been hugged. So he hugs her and tells her "there you have been hugged, now stop your crying"
The next day he sees the same lady leaning against the same tree by the lake crying and asks her "what is wrong now" she says that she is 21 and never been kissed, so he kisses her and tells her that everything is fine now, stop your crying.
again the next day he sees the same armless, and legless lady leaning against the same tree by the lake crying uncontrollably and asks her "what could possibly be wrong now, Ive already given you a hug and a kiss to make you feel better" she says that she is 21 years old and has never been f*cked,
So he picks her up. throws her in the lake and says....
i don't mean to build this up too much, but this is by far the greatest joke you'll ever hear (i originally heard it from the Pharcyde's Bizarre Ride II the Pharcyde):
[quote]your momma's an extra on the simpsons, and shit.<hr></blockquote>
they laid down a whole track of your momma style jokes, aptly titled, "ya mama". at the end they just freestyle a few. here's some from that `song`.
your momma's
got snakeskin teeth.
got play-doh teeth.
was fishing at the frozen food section.
got an afro, with a g-strap.
got a pegleg with a kickstand
got a glass eye, with a fish in it.
they are all good, but that simpson one catches me everytime.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: ?Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss??
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ?Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.?
The old woman then asks: ?Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk??
The CIA was hiring, but they're very picky and needed to make sure they had the right person for the job. Out of the thousands of resumes that were recieved, the CIA chose three as final candidates.
They took the first man and brought him to a door. They said to him, "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
The man stared at them in horror. "I can't shoot my wife," he told them.
"Then you are not who we are looking for," they answered. "Go. Take your wife and go home."
They called the next man and gave him the same talk: "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
This man took the gun and walked into the room. After a moment, the door opened and he came out sobbing. "I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot my wife," he said.
"Then you are not the person for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The last person was then called into the room and the CIA told her: "You are the last candidate, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your husband, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot him with this gun. When you're husband is dead, you shall be given the job."
The woman nodded in understanding, took the pistol, and went into the room. After a moment, the CIA heard: Pop! as the gun went off. After a brief hesitation, they heard pop! pop! The CIA looked at each other with arches eyebrows. The gun fired eight more times. That's when all hell broke loose. There was a loud crash followed by screaming, crashing, and thumping sounds. After a few moments, there was silence and the door slowly crept open. The wife came out, bloodied, and told the CIA, "Man. You guys must have accidently filled that gun with blanks! When that didn't work, I had to beat the bastard dead with the chair. "
Comments
[quote] Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
?I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.?
<hr></blockquote>
also from the article.... [quote] Canadians laughed least.
<hr></blockquote>....this seems strange to me, i always laugh alot when i'm drunk.....
[ 10-03-2002: Message edited by: thegelding ]</p>
When he finished, he pulled out a pistol and shot out the place, scaring customers and breaking dishes, glasses and liqour bottles before turning
to leave.
Shocked, the manager said, "Hey, where are you going?"
The panda glanced back over his shoulder and said, "I'm a panda, look it up," before disappearing out the door.
The bartender pulled out a dictionary and
thumbed through it until he found an entry for panda. The definition read, "A tree-dwelling animal of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves."
One day while jogging he hears someone crying. He approaches and discovers a young lady with no arms and legs leaning against a tree. He asks "what is wrong young lady?" she says that she is 21 years old and has never been hugged. So he hugs her and tells her "there you have been hugged, now stop your crying"
The next day he sees the same lady leaning against the same tree by the lake crying and asks her "what is wrong now" she says that she is 21 and never been kissed, so he kisses her and tells her that everything is fine now, stop your crying.
again the next day he sees the same armless, and legless lady leaning against the same tree by the lake crying uncontrollably and asks her "what could possibly be wrong now, Ive already given you a hug and a kiss to make you feel better" she says that she is 21 years old and has never been f*cked,
So he picks her up. throws her in the lake and says....
"YOU'RE F*CKED NOW"
[quote]your momma's an extra on the simpsons, and shit.<hr></blockquote>
they laid down a whole track of your momma style jokes, aptly titled, "ya mama". at the end they just freestyle a few. here's some from that `song`.
your momma's
- got snakeskin teeth.
- got play-doh teeth.
- was fishing at the frozen food section.
- got an afro, with a g-strap.
- got a pegleg with a kickstand
- got a glass eye, with a fish in it.
they are all good, but that simpson one catches me everytime.<strong>I hear your mom is like a joke. Everyone laughs at the end.</strong><hr></blockquote>
<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[Laughing]" /> ......... <img src="graemlins/embarrassed.gif" border="0" alt="[Embarrassed]" /> wait...... my mom?
Just wait...
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: ?Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss??
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ?Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.?
The old woman then asks: ?Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk??
The clerk responds, ?Yes we do.?
?Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff??
They took the first man and brought him to a door. They said to him, "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
The man stared at them in horror. "I can't shoot my wife," he told them.
"Then you are not who we are looking for," they answered. "Go. Take your wife and go home."
They called the next man and gave him the same talk: "You are one of the last candidates, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your wife, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot her with this gun. When you're wife is dead, you shall be given the job."
This man took the gun and walked into the room. After a moment, the door opened and he came out sobbing. "I couldn't do it, I couldn't shoot my wife," he said.
"Then you are not the person for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The last person was then called into the room and the CIA told her: "You are the last candidate, but we need to make sure you're truly the one we're looking for: someone who can take orders without question and do his job regardless of the situation. Inside this room is your husband, tied to a chair. You must go in there and shoot him with this gun. When you're husband is dead, you shall be given the job."
The woman nodded in understanding, took the pistol, and went into the room. After a moment, the CIA heard: Pop! as the gun went off. After a brief hesitation, they heard pop! pop! The CIA looked at each other with arches eyebrows. The gun fired eight more times. That's when all hell broke loose. There was a loud crash followed by screaming, crashing, and thumping sounds. After a few moments, there was silence and the door slowly crept open. The wife came out, bloodied, and told the CIA, "Man. You guys must have accidently filled that gun with blanks! When that didn't work, I had to beat the bastard dead with the chair. "
"I didn't say she was really silly, I said she's ****ing Goofy."
------------------------
Husband walks into the house and says, "Hey! I won the lottery today, start packing!"
The wife is ecstatic! "What should I pack for, honey? The mountains or the islands?"
Husband says, "I don't care, just get the **** out."
A: because it was dead.
[jeez, I couldn't even get that out right the first time]
[ 10-07-2002: Message edited by: BuonRotto ]</p>
<strong>I hear your mom is like a joke. Everyone laughs at the end.
That's just wrong.