Post critics' reviews of Dukes of Hazzard

in AppleOutsider edited January 2014
There's nothing better than a bad movie review. Post funny ones here.

CNN: "This flick is a car wreck with boobs."


  • Reply 1 of 17
    buonrottobuonrotto Posts: 6,368member
    Slate review


    ...missing only the bare boobs that would make it the perfect socially irresponsible sexist entertainment for rednecks and uptight liberal elites who'd like to live the country-boy dream for a few hours. (Howdy, y'all!)

    He liked it overall, actually, but said they didn't film Jessica Simpson's ass very well.


    Now, I'm as riveted by a fine pair of gams as the next ostentatious heterosexual, and I left The Dukes of Hazzard bummed-out. Sad to say, Chandrasekhar doesn't know how to photograph those sculpted Daisy Dukes or their extraordinarily toned contents. What's with all the medium close-ups? What's with holding every long shot shot for barely two seconds? Of course, there is always the possibility that I was blinded by Simpson's teeth, which appear to have been polished with plutonium...

  • Reply 2 of 17
    buonrottobuonrotto Posts: 6,368member
    Roger Ebert


    Simpson plays Daisy Duke, whose short shorts became so famous on TV that they were known as "Daisy Dukes." She models them to a certain effect in a few brief scenes, but is missing from most of the movie. Maybe she isn't even smart enough to wear shorts.

  • Reply 3 of 17
    brussellbrussell Posts: 9,812member
    Chicago Tribune: "I expected it to suck. It did suck."


    "The movie is so obviously lacking in any positive quality that even discussing it makes me feel like I'm soiling myself."
  • Reply 4 of 17
    iposteriposter Posts: 1,560member
    Post and Courier review


    Of course, we need a lot of that classic rock that the kids like so much. Who cares if it's just boomer nostalgia? And don't forget the wall-to-wall car chases. Doesn't matter how sloppy they're filmed, 'cause no one will care, and they eat up plenty of time. Get the car way up in the air. Remember: Some people think "Smokey and the Bandit II" is a classic. Hey, it was good enough for Burt.

    Finally -- and this is really important -- make sure the story is as skimpy as a pair of Daisy Dukes' shorts. Don't confuse anyone with niceties of character development or plot. Try something generic and banal, like a plot by Boss Hogg to strip mine Hazzard County. And put a big race at the end.

    There you have it. A movie about absolutely nothing (eat your heart out, "Seinfeld"), based on a show made when your target audience wasn't even born yet.

    And they say Hollywood is running out of ideas.

  • Reply 5 of 17
    shawnjshawnj Posts: 6,656member
    The Village Voice is the undisputed king of snarky film reviews.


    Seann William Scott is nearly outdone by his car's running monologue (vroom, vroom), but with his amphetamined-ferret mien, he makes idiocy breathtaking

    My favorite VV quote of all time:


    COMPARED to its predecessors,The Butterfly Effect is breathtaking in its, um, simplicity. In this version of the universe, Ashton Kutcher discovers that he can inhabit his child self whenever he reads aloud from his journals and squints really hard. You have to, if not love, at least not mind a movie in which the very act of Ashton Kutcher reading is enough of a cosmic trauma to rip a hole in the fabric of space-time."

  • Reply 6 of 17
    bergzbergz Posts: 1,045member
    From The Onion:

    Dukes Of Hazzard Sharply Declines In Kitsch Value


  • Reply 7 of 17
    curiousuburbcuriousuburb Posts: 3,325member

    Originally posted by BuonRotto

    Roger Ebert

    actually, I preferred his opening lines


    "The Dukes of Hazzard" is a comedy about two cousins who are closer'n brothers, and their car, which is smarter'n they are.

  • Reply 8 of 17
    hmurchisonhmurchison Posts: 12,341member
    Disappointed...not enough lynchings in the movie.
  • Reply 9 of 17

    Originally posted by BuonRotto

    He liked it overall, actually, but said they didn't film Jessica Simpson's ass very well.

    She has an ass? I've never looked at that end of her body.
  • Reply 10 of 17
    addaboxaddabox Posts: 12,660member
    Mick LaSalle, SF Chronicle:


    There are routine bad movies and others so horrendous that they redefine bad, that make us look up synonyms for agonizing and abysmal and then gnash our teeth because the language has not kept pace with the decline of film.


    The pursuers are shooting at them, but they miss. Everything bad that follows can be traced to that one flaw in marksmanship.


    Singer Jessica Simpson, in her first film role, plays these seduction scenes with admirable self-assurance, but of a kind that's also faintly embarrassing. It's as if someone told her something about herself that wasn't quite true.

  • Reply 11 of 17
    Here's the first sentence from Stephen Pedersen's review in the Halifax Chronicle-Herald: "The Dukes of Hazzard is the worst movie I have ever seen."
  • Reply 12 of 17
    brussellbrussell Posts: 9,812member
    Rolling Stone:


    At one point, the film's narrator says, "If you have to go to the bathroom, now would be the wrong time." I beg to differ. There is no wrong time to flush this turd.

  • Reply 13 of 17

    Originally posted by addabox

    Mick LaSalle, SF Chronicle:

    I read that one yesterday and have to say I giggled throughout the whole review.
  • Reply 14 of 17
    bergzbergz Posts: 1,045member
    From CNN & Regis:

    "To play Daisy Duke, I mean, that's like an iconish ... is that a word ... iconic figure."

    "I had to step into those shorts and the red bikinis and I had to do Catherine Bach proud."

    "I was running sprints and doing all kinds of stuff. All I was thinking was bikini, bikini, bikini. It was strange to actually be in the shorts. By the way, I tried on over a hundred pair."

    -- Jessica Simpson
  • Reply 15 of 17
    brussellbrussell Posts: 9,812member
    Haha. Gee, who could imagine Jessica Simpson's only thoughts being "bikini bikini bikini."

    [edit] More thoughts about the movie from its stars:


    Scott was candid about his initial lukewarm reaction to the project. "The script was mediocre at best," he admitted, but added: "I hadn't worked in a year. I feel lucky to be in every movie that I'm in."

    A ringing endorsement!
  • Reply 16 of 17
    aquamacaquamac Posts: 585member
    Double Feature! - Plan 9 from Outer Space and The Dukes of Hazzard.

    "... You see, ...Imagine you have a can of gasoline and that leads to the General Lee. ..."

    I'll leave after Bela Lugosi, Thanks.
  • Reply 17 of 17
    wow it's been a long time since I've posted, but I felt it necessary to chime in here. I have not seen this movie yet but will with the same childhood enthusiasm from years ago...keeping in mind this is a movie about two good ole boys from hazzard with the hot ass sister/cousin with the short shorts (my first crush) and the sweetest car I remember from my childhood. Oh, and because it was filmed 45 minutes from my house
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