Have fun with it. If you've been living together already it will likely be exactly the same once you are married. My understanding is that it's fairly common for couples have the most trouble right after they have kids, so prepare for that, particularly if you both have careers. Every person is different, though, so advice can only go so far. Some people care about drapes and china, others care about running a company or non-profit, others (or the same people) care about graduate school, some couples wouldn't be able to stand working together while others wouldn't want it any other way...long story short: do what makes both of you happy.
One piece of advice that applies to everyone: don't buy stupid shit. Sure, everyone nods his or her head in agreement, but then they still go out and buy stupid shit. Even if it doesn't hurt your relationship directly, it can cause you problems in the long run. And related to that, the highest functioning families I've known are led by parents who follow the philosophy of spending money on their kids rather than themselves.
Make sure you are best friends as well as "baby-makers"
Sacrifice is key.. never think you have to have things your way.
Compromise and share in the joy of it. The joy is there if you bother to find it and it is worth it.
What ever you normally spend time doing for your own selfish pleasure during the day... Shave off about 25% of the time you spend doing those activities and divert the new found time/ attention to spend with your wife.
Never take yourself too serious.. poke fun at yourself and she will be able to do the same to some degree.
When in a dissagreement recognize the points the other makes.
Be romantic no matter what.
I don't care what popular culture says about this be romantic.
Just because you are married does not mean you get to stop dating your wife.
Do things you love.
Go on a picnic with some wine, fruit and cheese.
Ride bikes or walk together.
My last bit of advice is... Enjoy your life and make the absolute best of it!
Smell the roses so to speak. If you can be happy with simple every day things it will rub off on your wife and it just makes everything better.
Make sure you listen to her needs and take care to attend to them.
With complete respect and happiness of your news,,,
C4. Give her what she wants. She wants certain drapes? Go ahead Dear! That specific pattern of china? That one color of paint? No problem! Trust me...it's way more important to her than it is to you.
If you follow this advice, you will end up living in a pink flowery house.
Don't give an inch - marriage is a constant power struggle hidden behind cutsy words. If you let her have her way somewhere, make sure she knows that she got something and owes you something else (like if she wants purple drapes, you get the brown leather chair that you like).
But maybe this stuff matters more to me than to you - I just can't stand being up to my neck in flowery crap.
Oh - and commit your last oral sex experience to tape, you will need to refer back to it later in life.
If you follow this advice, you will end up living in a pink flowery house.
Don't give an inch - marriage is a constant power struggle hidden behind cutsy words. If you let her have her way somewhere, make sure she knows that she got something and owes you something else (like if she wants purple drapes, you get the brown leather chair that you like).
But maybe this stuff matters more to me than to you - I just can't stand being up to my neck in flowery crap.
Oh - and commit your last oral sex experience to tape, you will need to refer back to it later in life.
True dat. But now I'm getting divorced. I realized something recently: BJ makes life so much better.
my wife and I have at least 2 dates per week, just US no kids, the rest of the time is family, work etc but without us together there is no family just a shell SO WE COME FIRST. by having these dates which nothing can cancel, we don't have the pressure on us to "see each other" and "talk" we always have that time together. we promise nothing gets in the way of the dates, nothing short of a family emergency, but with 8 a month minimum we a faily satisfied. we take more if we can. next challenge leaving the kids 3 and 5 with grandparents for weekend outings.
set aside this time for each other especially as kids come along.
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming. I've been very interested in the diversity of suggestions you've all made.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming. I've been very interested in the diversity of suggestions you've all made.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
After the honeymoon period with the child, he will do everything in his power to drive you away - this is a test, to see if you are in it for the long haul. All you need to do is grin and bear it, it will die down eventually - if you get mad it just makes it worse.
It is worth it in the long run, but the relationship with your wife will be easy compared to the relationship with the child.
As soon as you adopt him you should make him do chores.
Lots and lots of chores.
Stepdads do that.
We have 2 hours family house cleanup on Saturday, kids clean their rooms on Sunday, half an hour cleanup after dinner each night, and the 11 year old takes out the garbage every day.
I don't know if that is more or less than normal, but there is a limit to how much work you can get out of a kid that has school and homework to do.
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming. I've been very interested in the diversity of suggestions you've all made.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
before you adopt you will need him to confirmed his parenthood then he has to sign it off, long process.....doable, but wait till you are married 5-6 or more years, test and confirm your own relationship with your "wife', you can always adopt you can't undo it. if you get a divorce (happened in my extended family) you owe child support plus what ever. in my example the "father" ended up not being the father, the "adoption" was in place 2 years and the courts made him pay anyway even though fraud was involved "he need somekind of father" well big bucks later when they got the divorce she used this to train the child to hate him for "preventing" and cost him tremendously in terms of emotional and financial messes. BE VERY CAREFULL WITH THIS ADOPTION THING. hate to be cynical but many use this to protect the child at YOUR EXPENSE and future. check you states adoption laws, again be very carefull, as reagan said "trust but confirm" also this example above,, if you set up a 529 education plan put it so YOU are the custodian not just the mother, this was done to my example and she cleaned that account out also, he had no say in how the monies were directed (the kid got nothing, she got it all for her own "education").......there are evil selfish, people out there. and this does happen much more than you think...my attorney freinds say.
Comments
Have fun with it. If you've been living together already it will likely be exactly the same once you are married. My understanding is that it's fairly common for couples have the most trouble right after they have kids, so prepare for that, particularly if you both have careers. Every person is different, though, so advice can only go so far. Some people care about drapes and china, others care about running a company or non-profit, others (or the same people) care about graduate school, some couples wouldn't be able to stand working together while others wouldn't want it any other way...long story short: do what makes both of you happy.
One piece of advice that applies to everyone: don't buy stupid shit. Sure, everyone nods his or her head in agreement, but then they still go out and buy stupid shit. Even if it doesn't hurt your relationship directly, it can cause you problems in the long run. And related to that, the highest functioning families I've known are led by parents who follow the philosophy of spending money on their kids rather than themselves.
2. establish a family "mission statement" why do you exist as a couple, foundation of your family.
The hokeyness of that rubs me the wrong way.
NOFEER has great points with the CARE idea.
Make sure you are best friends as well as "baby-makers"
Sacrifice is key.. never think you have to have things your way.
Compromise and share in the joy of it. The joy is there if you bother to find it and it is worth it.
What ever you normally spend time doing for your own selfish pleasure during the day... Shave off about 25% of the time you spend doing those activities and divert the new found time/ attention to spend with your wife.
Never take yourself too serious.. poke fun at yourself and she will be able to do the same to some degree.
When in a dissagreement recognize the points the other makes.
Be romantic no matter what.
I don't care what popular culture says about this be romantic.
Just because you are married does not mean you get to stop dating your wife.
Do things you love.
Go on a picnic with some wine, fruit and cheese.
Ride bikes or walk together.
My last bit of advice is... Enjoy your life and make the absolute best of it!
Smell the roses so to speak. If you can be happy with simple every day things it will rub off on your wife and it just makes everything better.
Make sure you listen to her needs and take care to attend to them.
With complete respect and happiness of your news,,,
Fellows
C4. Give her what she wants. She wants certain drapes? Go ahead Dear! That specific pattern of china? That one color of paint? No problem! Trust me...it's way more important to her than it is to you.
If you follow this advice, you will end up living in a pink flowery house.
Don't give an inch - marriage is a constant power struggle hidden behind cutsy words. If you let her have her way somewhere, make sure she knows that she got something and owes you something else (like if she wants purple drapes, you get the brown leather chair that you like).
But maybe this stuff matters more to me than to you - I just can't stand being up to my neck in flowery crap.
Oh - and commit your last oral sex experience to tape, you will need to refer back to it later in life.
If you follow this advice, you will end up living in a pink flowery house.
Don't give an inch - marriage is a constant power struggle hidden behind cutsy words. If you let her have her way somewhere, make sure she knows that she got something and owes you something else (like if she wants purple drapes, you get the brown leather chair that you like).
But maybe this stuff matters more to me than to you - I just can't stand being up to my neck in flowery crap.
Oh - and commit your last oral sex experience to tape, you will need to refer back to it later in life.
True dat. But now I'm getting divorced. I realized something recently: BJ makes life so much better.
set aside this time for each other especially as kids come along.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming. I've been very interested in the diversity of suggestions you've all made.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
After the honeymoon period with the child, he will do everything in his power to drive you away - this is a test, to see if you are in it for the long haul. All you need to do is grin and bear it, it will die down eventually - if you get mad it just makes it worse.
It is worth it in the long run, but the relationship with your wife will be easy compared to the relationship with the child.
Lots and lots of chores.
Stepdads do that.
As soon as you adopt him you should make him do chores.
Lots and lots of chores.
Stepdads do that.
We have 2 hours family house cleanup on Saturday, kids clean their rooms on Sunday, half an hour cleanup after dinner each night, and the 11 year old takes out the garbage every day.
I don't know if that is more or less than normal, but there is a limit to how much work you can get out of a kid that has school and homework to do.
Did I mention I had a stepdad?
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming. I've been very interested in the diversity of suggestions you've all made.
One thing you all should know: She already has a 6 year old son whose natural father has never been in the picture. I plan to adopt the kid after we marry. So there is already a child in the picture. That said, she's been VERY good about letting me be dad and not "overruling" anything she doesn't agree with. She's just really excited that she doesn't have to do it by herself anymore, so she's willing to share the responsibility and be okay with decisions that I make.
before you adopt you will need him to confirmed his parenthood then he has to sign it off, long process.....doable, but wait till you are married 5-6 or more years, test and confirm your own relationship with your "wife', you can always adopt you can't undo it. if you get a divorce (happened in my extended family) you owe child support plus what ever. in my example the "father" ended up not being the father, the "adoption" was in place 2 years and the courts made him pay anyway even though fraud was involved "he need somekind of father" well big bucks later when they got the divorce she used this to train the child to hate him for "preventing" and cost him tremendously in terms of emotional and financial messes. BE VERY CAREFULL WITH THIS ADOPTION THING. hate to be cynical but many use this to protect the child at YOUR EXPENSE and future. check you states adoption laws, again be very carefull, as reagan said "trust but confirm" also this example above,, if you set up a 529 education plan put it so YOU are the custodian not just the mother, this was done to my example and she cleaned that account out also, he had no say in how the monies were directed (the kid got nothing, she got it all for her own "education").......there are evil selfish, people out there. and this does happen much more than you think...my attorney freinds say.
Good Luck.
V/R,
Aries 1B
Qua' Plagh!
V/R,
Aries 1B
What's sad is that I understood that.
What's sad is that I understood that.
Looking forward to hearing how it all went.
V/R,
Aries 1B
As soon as you adopt him you should make him do chores.
Lots and lots of chores.
Stepdads do that.
Everyday I had to take the garbage out, pick up the dog shit, fill up a can of leaves from the backyard, and vacuum every other day...
Did I mention I had a stepdad?
Qua' Plagh!
V/R,
Aries 1B
Dag ba! Dag be!