Remy

Users: My old iPhone is kinda slow now. APPLE: (silence) Users: OK, now my 1-year-old iPhone is sluggish as well... this is getting old. APPLE: (silence) OK...yeah, that's us. USERS: (silence) APPLE: Don't worry, we're doing it for you. Old batteries can lose charge faster. USERS: ...er... yeah, we know. APPLE: You see, the lithium-ion batteries... (bla bla) ...cold conditions... (bla bla) ...device unexpectedly... (bla bla bla)...electronic components! USERS: So... you secretly made my iPhone slower and less responsive 100% of the time to avoid a shutdown that could occur maybe 1% of the time? APPLE: Exactly! USERS: Because... you're interested in prolonging the life of my device? APPLE: See! You get it! USERS: ...and my iPhone feels sluggishly obsolete for 10 hours/day, instead of smooth and quick for 8 hours/day? APPLE: (silence)