I'm very sorry. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer on New Year's Eve, 2000. It sounds like you are being very honest with yourself and not in denial. That's hard, but good.
Carol, your post must have been very difficult for you to write at such a time but I found it very moving , wise and beautiful. I still grieve for the loss of my father 10 years ago, it too took ages to sink in and i was seemingly callous at first as a coping mechanism, don't beat yourself up over it, the floodgates will open. My long term coping strategy was, is, just to concentrate on the numerous things that made me love him, his company, humour , humanity and love, not to focus on the missing him side of it too much, if that makes any sense.
Alex, thank you for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. You really DO understand how I'm feeling. Just the thought that someone else can identify with what I've said makes me feel less out-of-sync, less 'out in left field'. I'm sure people think I'm being callous, as you mentioned; but I think I'm in denial. It's as if what occurred happened to someone else, someone I read about in the newspaper.
I did try very hard to be a good daughter, and to be there for him just as he always was for me. And though I still torture myself about things I could have said and done, on the whole, I think I did okay. If I hadn't, I know that I would punish myself mercilessly for at least the next ten years.
You're so right about focusing on the good memories. That definitely makes sense, and I will follow your advice. Thanks again, Alex, for your very nice post. It was a great comfort.
Chris, my father died in his sleep three days ago, on Sunday, April 4, at the hospital.
Carol and Chris:
Dear God. Most sincere sympathies.
Chris:
Do whatever you can to spend as much time as possible with your mother. Make your time with her as vibrant and meaningful (for you both) as possible.
Carol:
My deepest sympathies. My wife's father died while we were moving from Oklahoma to Utah this last July/August. He'd been ill and was effectively an invalid, and while his death was probable it was sudden and unexpected nonetheless. He'd driven 60 miles to have lunch with us (at a restaurant where we lived) on the Wednesday before we moved on that Friday. On Saturday, we spoke to him on the cell from northern Denver around lunchtime. He said he was feeling gimpy, but was OK. Four hours later, while we were in the middle of NOWHERE in Wyoming, my wife got a call from her brother that he was dead. We stopped for the night at a hotel (that happened to have a liquor store attached to it!), drove in to Utah the next day and closed on our house, and then I put my wife on a plane to go to the funeral while I stayed behind to take care of things.
Both again:
While I cannot understand either of your situations (and do not even pretend to), please know that if there's anything I might do, feel free to ask.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to deal with such bad news. I hope you can be as strong as you need to be to help her and to be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. It can be really tempting and (relatively) easy to go into denial about how you're feeling, but the longer you avoid dealing with those emotions, and accepting them as part of life, the harder it will be for you to deal with this.
I hope you can help her live the rest of her life the way she would want to and that you are able to look back on things down the road and feel the happiness that comes from caring for someone and the tinge of sadness that comes with missing someone. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
I just want to say that I think this thread is a good thing. I think we often forget how *real* the problems are that people have outside of AI. Heck without this thread, Carol may have never told us that her father died just a few days ago. We would have never known what state of mind she's bringing to her posts right now.
Chris, I know we joke about your videos all the time, but if you made a video about your mom...that's one that I'd want to see.
I am so concerned about you and your mom. I especially think of how 'she' must be feeling...waiting to hear. What an agony of anticipation for her.
How strange it is that one phone call can hold the answer to our future existence...can give us back our life - or take it away.
I thought I'd mention one regret I have about times spent with my family, especially wrt my dad: all those Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays when the televsion was on for nine straight hours for *must-watch* football games. All the conversations we *could* have had, but didn't ....unless they could fit into a time-out or a half-time.
I LOVE football, and all sports. But I do bear this grudge against football programming on what are traditional family get-together holidays. If there were only ONE game, that would be different. But that's never the case, is it?
I probably shouldn't mention this grudge on a board that's 99% guys. But maybe by my mentioning it, when the next holidays roll around, a few people might squeeze a *bit* more "non-football" time into their Thanksgiving and Christmas family get-together schedule. Think of the conversations you could have, with all your family gathered round. One day the opportunity for that will be gone forever. As it is for me now.
Oh and Chris, one thing I did when my mom was ill: I wrote out a list of 40 questions of things I wanted to know about her life. Then I sat down with her and a tape recorder and basically interviewed her about her memories, from childhood on up. We could only do an hour at a time, because she would become tired. I did these interviews over several years, so now I have many hours of tape of my mom talking about her past.
I think this is something you might want to do, no matter what the test results prove to be. If you want, I could try to find my notebook with the 40 questions. Other people at AO might want to interview their parents (and grandparents!!!) too. I think it's a great idea. I interviewed my dad, but he didn't have much to say compared to my mom. I did find out that he didn't have any toys as a child. I thought that was very sad.
With my dad, we went through an old family photo album, and he talked about his memories of many of the pictures. The photos helped free him up. It was a helpful technique.
Some families argue and have disagreements. But once you interview family members (esp. parents), and learn about *their* childhoods, you begin to understand the influences in their lives that cause them to act the way they do today. When I learned about my father's life, I was able to forgive and let go of some past incidents in which he had hurt my feelings.
You and your mom are in my thoughts, Chris. I wish you the very best. Fingers crossed.
Chris, Carol, I'm so very sorry for both of you. You'll be in my prayers.
When our mother died, my sister remembered a conversation she had with a friend of hers from her church. The woman's husband had died. She said for the longest time she was waiting for things to return to normal. But they never do. Instead you eventually find a new normal.
Chris, there will be plenty of time to grieve after she's gone. For now just try and steal enough time to be with her as you possibly can.
Carol, just let yourself grieve. It's okay. There's no helping it. Time is the only balm. Eventually, it'll hurt less.
Carol, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I wish you and your family strength to overcome such a loss and to move on with the knowledge that he's in a better place than all of us.
First, the good news. The results came back and it was indeed just a shadow on the ****ing xray. My mom does not have cancer and she is fine, the pain she experienced was from a bruised disc in her back.
She is going to have to have an operation as a precautionary measure, in case of a future cancerous outbreak or something. She's going to have her ovaries removed, but I dont think she'll miss em'...not after 5 kids (all boys) and being 49 years old.
This news was a huge triumph for my family and my spirits, especially my mom. The whole family is at our house for easter, and they were all waiting and bracing with her for the worst..We've all been here for her to comfort her and now its all fine. It seems almost surreal, since its the best possible outcome.
Thank you, your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated. I love you guys, haha. ttyl... thanks thanks and thanks.
Messiahtosh- I am so glad to hear that. I'd been hoping for this news.
Carol- what a wonderful idea (to "interview" your parents). I'm sure it will not only be a comfort to you, but a wonderful legacy for your kids (if you have them)
My parents died within a few years of each other when I was in my late teens. I never got to really know them as people, never got to get past the teenager/parent dynamic; never got to share any of my achievements, losses, highs, lows, loves or hates with them. I still grieve for that.
Carol, you've given an important piece of advice for any one of us, parent, child or just friend. Sometime it's important to forget about the must-see TV, the football game you have to watch, the shoe sale you have to get to. Sometimes you just should put that all aside and go for a walk or have a coffee or just ask some of the important people in your life how they are. While you can.
Wow, that's fantastic news! And the timing cound not have been better, what with Easter celebrating rebirth. I wish your mom a speedy recovery from surgery, and may you and your family have a truly joyous Easter.
hey chris, my thoughts are with you. i lost my father last summer, and only found out about it a month after it happened, since he didn't want to worry me while my wife and i were traveling across country for her new job. i'm not sure if it helped to not know until later or not. i can say it took a LONG time for me to get over it... it was like it took hold slowly, rather than having a shocking revelation all at once where i could cry for a week and get it out. in retrospect, i would have rather known, so i could prepare for its inevitability better. in that respect, i have confidence in you to hold through this.
Comments
I'm very sorry. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer on New Year's Eve, 2000. It sounds like you are being very honest with yourself and not in denial. That's hard, but good.
My prayers for you and your family.
Originally posted by Alex London
Carol, your post must have been very difficult for you to write at such a time but I found it very moving , wise and beautiful. I still grieve for the loss of my father 10 years ago, it too took ages to sink in and i was seemingly callous at first as a coping mechanism, don't beat yourself up over it, the floodgates will open. My long term coping strategy was, is, just to concentrate on the numerous things that made me love him, his company, humour , humanity and love, not to focus on the missing him side of it too much, if that makes any sense.
Alex, thank you for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. You really DO understand how I'm feeling. Just the thought that someone else can identify with what I've said makes me feel less out-of-sync, less 'out in left field'. I'm sure people think I'm being callous, as you mentioned; but I think I'm in denial. It's as if what occurred happened to someone else, someone I read about in the newspaper.
I did try very hard to be a good daughter, and to be there for him just as he always was for me. And though I still torture myself about things I could have said and done, on the whole, I think I did okay. If I hadn't, I know that I would punish myself mercilessly for at least the next ten years.
You're so right about focusing on the good memories. That definitely makes sense, and I will follow your advice. Thanks again, Alex, for your very nice post. It was a great comfort.
Carol
Originally posted by Carol A
Chris, my father died in his sleep three days ago, on Sunday, April 4, at the hospital.
Carol and Chris:
Dear God. Most sincere sympathies.
Chris:
Do whatever you can to spend as much time as possible with your mother. Make your time with her as vibrant and meaningful (for you both) as possible.
Carol:
My deepest sympathies. My wife's father died while we were moving from Oklahoma to Utah this last July/August. He'd been ill and was effectively an invalid, and while his death was probable it was sudden and unexpected nonetheless. He'd driven 60 miles to have lunch with us (at a restaurant where we lived) on the Wednesday before we moved on that Friday. On Saturday, we spoke to him on the cell from northern Denver around lunchtime. He said he was feeling gimpy, but was OK. Four hours later, while we were in the middle of NOWHERE in Wyoming, my wife got a call from her brother that he was dead. We stopped for the night at a hotel (that happened to have a liquor store attached to it!), drove in to Utah the next day and closed on our house, and then I put my wife on a plane to go to the funeral while I stayed behind to take care of things.
Both again:
While I cannot understand either of your situations (and do not even pretend to), please know that if there's anything I might do, feel free to ask.
Cheers
Scott
I'm sorry to hear that you're having to deal with such bad news. I hope you can be as strong as you need to be to help her and to be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. It can be really tempting and (relatively) easy to go into denial about how you're feeling, but the longer you avoid dealing with those emotions, and accepting them as part of life, the harder it will be for you to deal with this.
I hope you can help her live the rest of her life the way she would want to and that you are able to look back on things down the road and feel the happiness that comes from caring for someone and the tinge of sadness that comes with missing someone. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Good luck.
-t
ps - email me if you want to talk....
My best to your mother and everyone connected to her.
Chris, I know we joke about your videos all the time, but if you made a video about your mom...that's one that I'd want to see.
I am so concerned about you and your mom. I especially think of how 'she' must be feeling...waiting to hear. What an agony of anticipation for her.
How strange it is that one phone call can hold the answer to our future existence...can give us back our life - or take it away.
I thought I'd mention one regret I have about times spent with my family, especially wrt my dad: all those Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays when the televsion was on for nine straight hours for *must-watch* football games. All the conversations we *could* have had, but didn't ....unless they could fit into a time-out or a half-time.
I LOVE football, and all sports. But I do bear this grudge against football programming on what are traditional family get-together holidays. If there were only ONE game, that would be different. But that's never the case, is it?
I probably shouldn't mention this grudge on a board that's 99% guys. But maybe by my mentioning it, when the next holidays roll around, a few people might squeeze a *bit* more "non-football" time into their Thanksgiving and Christmas family get-together schedule. Think of the conversations you could have, with all your family gathered round. One day the opportunity for that will be gone forever. As it is for me now.
Oh and Chris, one thing I did when my mom was ill: I wrote out a list of 40 questions of things I wanted to know about her life. Then I sat down with her and a tape recorder and basically interviewed her about her memories, from childhood on up. We could only do an hour at a time, because she would become tired. I did these interviews over several years, so now I have many hours of tape of my mom talking about her past.
I think this is something you might want to do, no matter what the test results prove to be. If you want, I could try to find my notebook with the 40 questions. Other people at AO might want to interview their parents (and grandparents!!!) too. I think it's a great idea. I interviewed my dad, but he didn't have much to say compared to my mom. I did find out that he didn't have any toys as a child. I thought that was very sad.
With my dad, we went through an old family photo album, and he talked about his memories of many of the pictures. The photos helped free him up. It was a helpful technique.
Some families argue and have disagreements. But once you interview family members (esp. parents), and learn about *their* childhoods, you begin to understand the influences in their lives that cause them to act the way they do today. When I learned about my father's life, I was able to forgive and let go of some past incidents in which he had hurt my feelings.
You and your mom are in my thoughts, Chris. I wish you the very best. Fingers crossed.
Love,
Carol
When our mother died, my sister remembered a conversation she had with a friend of hers from her church. The woman's husband had died. She said for the longest time she was waiting for things to return to normal. But they never do. Instead you eventually find a new normal.
Chris, there will be plenty of time to grieve after she's gone. For now just try and steal enough time to be with her as you possibly can.
Carol, just let yourself grieve. It's okay. There's no helping it. Time is the only balm. Eventually, it'll hurt less.
She is going to have to have an operation as a precautionary measure, in case of a future cancerous outbreak or something. She's going to have her ovaries removed, but I dont think she'll miss em'...not after 5 kids (all boys) and being 49 years old.
This news was a huge triumph for my family and my spirits, especially my mom. The whole family is at our house for easter, and they were all waiting and bracing with her for the worst..We've all been here for her to comfort her and now its all fine. It seems almost surreal, since its the best possible outcome.
Thank you, your prayers and words of encouragement are so appreciated. I love you guys, haha. ttyl... thanks thanks and thanks.
Still do it.
Praise God she's okay...if you're into that sort of thing.
Carol- what a wonderful idea (to "interview" your parents). I'm sure it will not only be a comfort to you, but a wonderful legacy for your kids (if you have them)
My parents died within a few years of each other when I was in my late teens. I never got to really know them as people, never got to get past the teenager/parent dynamic; never got to share any of my achievements, losses, highs, lows, loves or hates with them. I still grieve for that.
Carol, you've given an important piece of advice for any one of us, parent, child or just friend. Sometime it's important to forget about the must-see TV, the football game you have to watch, the shoe sale you have to get to. Sometimes you just should put that all aside and go for a walk or have a coffee or just ask some of the important people in your life how they are. While you can.
Wow, that's fantastic news! And the timing cound not have been better, what with Easter celebrating rebirth. I wish your mom a speedy recovery from surgery, and may you and your family have a truly joyous Easter.
Regards,
Marc
Are you the youngest of all those boys?
- Robert Frost
Glad to hear the great news!
Originally posted by Carol A
Chris, I am so *very* happy for you, your mom and your whole family. What incredibly great news. And on Easter too. How perfect.
Are you the youngest of all those boys?
I am the middle child of the 5 boys.
Kip age 11, Andy 16, Chris (Messiahtosh) 18, Patrick is 20, and Nick is 22. Phew!!!
Have a great Holliday everyone, and thank you all so much.