A girl issue...
Hi everybody, I've been dating my girlfriend off and on now for four months and I'm looking for some insight from people who are wiser than me.
She and I had a few mis-starts where I wound up breaking up with her because I was afraid of us not working out. On top of that, I had some drama with a previous girlfriend and she had some drama with a friend of hers. But we both keep coming back to each other, and I know, at least on my part, that I am very happy with her, until I start to get inside my head. I have an over-active imagination and issues with insecurity and mis-trust. I know where they came from and why I have them, but the truth is that I'm not really ready to deal with them.
All of that said, does anybody have any suggestions on how to cope, combat, or accept the doubts I make up? I know they are irrational, because if she wanted to be with the "other" guy (the other guy is a friend of ours... she has known him for a lot longer than i have. they never dated, but got intimate occasionally, which i can accept. but he's professing feelings for her now, and that frightens me) then she would have chosen him when she was presented with the option. (I didn't present her with the choice, he did, and she told him that she was going to wait for me). But their friendship means a lot to her, and I don't want to tell her that she can't have it, because I know how wrong that is and how stupid it is for me to have these doubts.
So... thoughts, stories, suggestions? I've made up my mind to be with her, but like I said, I could use a perspective that isn't my own.
She and I had a few mis-starts where I wound up breaking up with her because I was afraid of us not working out. On top of that, I had some drama with a previous girlfriend and she had some drama with a friend of hers. But we both keep coming back to each other, and I know, at least on my part, that I am very happy with her, until I start to get inside my head. I have an over-active imagination and issues with insecurity and mis-trust. I know where they came from and why I have them, but the truth is that I'm not really ready to deal with them.
All of that said, does anybody have any suggestions on how to cope, combat, or accept the doubts I make up? I know they are irrational, because if she wanted to be with the "other" guy (the other guy is a friend of ours... she has known him for a lot longer than i have. they never dated, but got intimate occasionally, which i can accept. but he's professing feelings for her now, and that frightens me) then she would have chosen him when she was presented with the option. (I didn't present her with the choice, he did, and she told him that she was going to wait for me). But their friendship means a lot to her, and I don't want to tell her that she can't have it, because I know how wrong that is and how stupid it is for me to have these doubts.
So... thoughts, stories, suggestions? I've made up my mind to be with her, but like I said, I could use a perspective that isn't my own.
Comments
rate your attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10: X
rate her attractiveness on a scale from 1 to 10 : Y
if the difference between X & Y is > 3, you're gonna be SOL, especially if you're still in college.
this is why:
- if she's hot and you're not, then other, more confident men will hit on her a lot, one of whom is bound to have a couple things in common with her. you won't feel confident enough to get involved, or you'll feel you're being out-leagued and then say something and then she'll claim you're paranoid and eventually have a night or so with some guy in a dirty white baseball cap, and then your relationship will be hosed.
- if you're good looking and confident and she isn't, then you'll get drunk one night and cheat on her, just because you can. this will breed mistrust and ruin your relationship, of course.
if you're older, some of these rules will be different.
in your case, i'm guessing that she'll eventually leave you for a more confident, alpha male. especially if she's hot.
www.rc.org
I don't know how I would have been able to make it through my 20s without it. Any my girlfriend (now wife) was much more attractive than me 8)
You can't live in the fear of people living you, or others drama. The risk is inherent to our status of human being. We have to live with that.
REMEMBER this : the fear of losing thing should not prevent you to keep them, otherwise you will loose everything, and you will be already dead.
It's a great work on yourself, but you are very lucky. You are young.
We're both nerds though, and I'm not afraid of the geeks that we interact with.
I've got a deep-seated, self-perpetuating, psychological tic when it comes to faith in others. Previously, I dealt with this by running away, but I've grown up enough to know that it's not the solution.
Means you doubt your ability to stay faithful.
Originally posted by zherocharisma
I've got a deep-seated, self-perpetuating, psychological tic when it comes to faith in others. Previously, I dealt with this by running away, but I've grown up enough to know that it's not the solution.
Why on earth are you even in a relationship at all until you work this out?
The more unfortunate problem is that I'm really just not ready to face the reasons for my insecurites. I know that sounds awful, but it's not something I am willing to deal with at this point. I will have to do it eventually, but for the moment I feel compelled to make the best of things and try to work on them in my own ways.
Once you've married the right woman and start working in the real world....all those crazy nights you had in college are what makes watercooler talk so fun!
....trust me on this one...many years you will look back on my advice (around the same time that lawncare looks fun) and thank me!!
Computers are easy to fix (even windows) compared to people.
Originally posted by JohnnySmith
Who needs other people when you have a computer???
Computers are easy to fix (even windows) compared to people.
format c:
Originally posted by zherocharisma
Ihe more unfortunate problem is that I'm really just not ready to face the reasons for my insecurites. I know that sounds awful, but it's not something I am willing to deal with at this point. I will have to do it eventually, but for the moment I feel compelled to make the best of things and try to work on them in my own ways.
Read that quoted passage again. I'll wait.
Done?
Read it again. I'll wait again.
Now listen:
you have an ethical obligation not to foist your fucked-up-ness—of which you are fully aware—onto innocent bystanders.
Originally posted by zherocharisma
I tried that, but there are two problems. the first being that I can't stop thinking about her, because like I said, when I'm not wrapped up in myself I really enjoy being with her. . . . blah, blah, blah
Getting your heart broken is a good experience. Just get over it and don't be such a chump next time. I guarantee that your lady friend is not one of a kind. If you think she is, then you're still a chump.
2nd. Try to unite your ex and current girlfriend for experimental joining of groins.
3rd. Restart the cocaine habit after realizing the two were more occupied with each other during the joining of the groins then they were with you.
4th. Become gay.
These are just suggestions of course I mean what do I know I have a perfect relationhip with my Ferret. Thank you Dr. Phil.
Originally posted by midwinter
Why on earth are you even in a relationship at all until you work this out?
Because (1) you can't work it out without being in a relationship, and (2) if people abided by this rule, there would be no couples at all.
Insecurities and mental wierdnesses stay hidden unless that part of the brain is being used, and everyone has some wierd stuff upstairs - it is just a matter of how much and what kind.
If you are both still pining for each other after 6 months then you have a strong relationship that can evolve to something more "permanent" that will have a lot of trust. If you both are fucked up mentally after 6 months then you two are not meant to be together.
Originally posted by e1618978
Because (1) you can't work it out without being in a relationship, and (2) if people abided by this rule, there would be no couples at all.
Insecurities and mental wierdnesses stay hidden unless that part of the brain is being used, and everyone has some wierd stuff upstairs - it is just a matter of how much and what kind.
There is a difference between what you're describing and knowing you have issues that cause pain to others.
Originally posted by midwinter
There is a difference between what you're describing and knowing you have issues that cause pain to others.
That's what Prozac is for.
Originally posted by sunilraman
Challenge yourself. Discuss with her, you are going to try and "open relationship" for a while. You are free to sleep with others, she is free to sleep with others.
that will be the test--sleeping with someone else and both of you facing each other. sometimes you need to let something free, if it comes back she is yours if not she wasn't. the problem is that it's hard to ACCEPT the answer when it comes. try the serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
also women don't like wimps--men don't like wimps either, confidence might be knowing
1. knowing who you are and your priorities
2. getting to know her and understanding collaboration, it might mean you need to let go.
also, life is too short to worry like this, as time goes on what you think is important now, becomes an after thought as you mature. hey i'm glad i never committed to one of the babes i went with in school, only to find out after ten years they all grew away from my standards of life. now i have the right person. all things come to those who wait (gives you time to figure out what is really worth while--remember city slickers--it's that one thing)
you know, the college years are all about growth anyway and maybe this is just another path for growth. when you're older it won't seem so important...trust me. things change with time.
ask yourself this...is it her or the chase, is it her or someone saying no to you. then it becomes dealing with yourself and ANY relationship will do this to you.