Matthew 5:27-28: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." ~ Jesus
Brad is right. The thing to worry about is not whether it is cheating, but rather, what the hell is wrong with your current relationship that has you even pondering it?
Don't get involved with a relationship if you're not going to follow through.
yep, what is wrong with the relationshiop?
i read in sun the other day about the biritish sex habits. far over 3/5 do cheat a lot .. well. not still like the esp. latin men. of whcih i consider maybe 99 % cheat - when they have a chance.
so what is wrong with the relationships in general? they last too long? many of those i know who cheat(-ed) (male or female) have been with their partner for many years. need some spicing up? need something, for the life otherwise too boring with her/him? just approfit of the situation of someopne good looking being interested in you?
why is hte majority of the clients of the prostitutes married?
is talking dirty with command line cheating, if you never will see the person in the real life, and neithber of you take it serious?
if that is, then what about talking dirty at work? if you are a male/female and the other persons are of the sex you prefer, and neither of ypu takes anyone serious, but youy are talkiong dirty. isn' that cheating with the same motive?
the not accepting cheating seems to be idealistic and age related thing. im not saying it is ok, just that .. the vast majority of the people (older than me) i know do cheat / have cheated. i don't have to be like the people i know though ,.. just think different.
I think it's interesting that you wouldn't ask her to stop.
How do you envision that it might interfere with your relationship? (Granted, it's absolutely none of my business.)
How can Dr. Ruth speak authoritatively about something she's probably never experienced?
I wouldn't ask her to stop because I really don't see the harm in it. It would be interferring in my relationship if she started to have real feelings for the other person or it affected our sex life.
I dont know about Doctor Ruth.. but there's plenty of people speaking authoritatively around here, have they all cybered ? are you taking their opinions seriously ? I suggest a poll...
If it isn't too personal a question, have you ever been involved in a cyber-sex relationship? Did your significant other find out? Did she/he have a fit about it?
Carol
My Cupie doll wouldn't speak to me for weeks...
She felt really deflated and let down.
I tried talking her around but she would fly around the room whenever I brought up the issue.
I'd like to make it up to her, can you give some advice ?
You can admit it now Carol, you just want a free pass from trumptman for your online adventures! Haha
I think it's about trust. If you feel guilt, and don't want to tell it to your girlfriend, then you should ask yourself why you're in that relationship in the first place.
If cyber sex is cheating, then beating it is cheating.
that's what i was thinking. i just think of it as simply interactive, uninteresting, non-graphical pr0n. but unlike real pr0n, i dont have a hand free, because i'd have to type with both.
If it's an open relationship, could you really call it relationship? If it's an open relationship, could you really cheat?
tonton, great post. I think you've nailed it. For me anyways.
Dammit, all the good threads happen when I'm away.
Oh yes, I've seen open relationships fall to cheating... tonton did indeed nail it. I've seen an open marriage end because the wife said "Okay, *that* person is out of bounds..." when she had good solid medical reasons for saying it. Husband just *HAD* to go after that one person. Boom. Divorce. If he had just said no to that *one person*, all would have been fine, but he broke the rules, and lied blatantly to do so to all involved. That's cheating.
In any relationship, from casual friends to intimate soulmates, boundaries are set. Hopefully, that is done so through communication and negotiation between each individual's needs and wants, but sadly it's often done through 'well, this is society's default, so we're gonna *assume* that this is what we all want and will do...' Bad idea.
If those boundaries are set, and then broken, it is a betrayal of trust, and cheating. Each relationship should have a set of well defined and clearly communicated guidelines and boundaries, a list of what is acceptable and what is not.
Unfortunately, what generally happens is that one or both partners just runs with a set of assumptions about how relationships are 'supposed' to work, and the whole thing goes to hell when a situation is encountered that brings those assumptions into the light.
And yes, open relationships can be indeed relationships of seriousness, intimacy, love and commitment. Just like monogamous relationships can be ones of deception, lies, dishonesty, and betrayal.
What defines the 'realness' of a relationship isn't what it looks like, but how it is managed and how each individual behaves... are they true to themselves and the boundaries communicated with their partner(s)? I'd call that a good relationship, no matter what the boundaries may be.
Of course, mainstream society usually feels differently - being the same mainstream society that wolfs down Big Macs, listens to Justin Timberlake and drives SUVs, I tend not to worry about it too much.
Figure out what *YOU* want, then speak to your partner about it. Often, being honest with yourself is harder than being honest with your partner. It can require some very messy introspection that most folks avoid like the plague. (After all, it's easier to just go with the flow, assume that your psyche's needs are like what everyone else's seem to be from mainstream teachings, and lead an uninspected life, it really is.) But you'll rarely be happy doing it that way.
Find a partner that also knows what they want, and talk honestly and open about it. If there are places where the wants and needs do not fit exactly (and there always are), negotiate, talk them out. It may turn out that there are just plain irreconcilable differences, truly, and each person will be happier on their own, or with someone else... which can suck mightily, but may be best in the long run. Listen to your heart, listen to your partner, and speak your mind.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Everything else is easy after that... but also easy in comparison.
This is an interesting conversation, I tend to lean on the side of yes on this one.. but lets take it to another level..
(and for the sake of argument you are both single so to avoid any other clashes )
If you were having cyber with someone and while doing it you met a person in the flesh and snogged on with them is that cheating against your cyber partner?
Dammit, all the good threads happen when I'm away.
Hi Kicks!
Then you really shouldn't leave! I keep telling you that, but you do it anyway. Tsk. And then I have to pout and sulk the whole time you're gone. Honestly.
And here I am with no one to defend me....boo hoo, sob.....as I unwittingly find myself repeatedly embroiled in stressful altercations with various and sundry individuals. These conflicts occur when I least expect them, and when I'm least prepared to deal with them. I must really be doing something wrong, for such problematic scenarios to arise as frequently as they do. Oh well. C'est la vie.
Re your comments:
It sounds like you know people in both open relationships and open marriages. I can see an open relationship working; but the open marriage sounds a LOT trickier.
As I mentioned somewhere, I can't see myself EVER getting married again; so, open relationships would have to be the way to go. (I fairly recently broke up with someone who wanted to get married. I just couldn't do it!)
I want to be free, and I want to feel free. I don't ever want to give up my freedom. It's like the very air I breathe in importance to me. I think people should be able to love deeply and intimately, and still be free. What do you think?
Are the open relationship/marriages with which you are familiar mostly among university faculty types? I wonder how common such arrangements are in the general population? Not very common, I would imagine. But who knows?
Quote:
And yes, open relationships can be indeed relationships of seriousness, intimacy, love and commitment.
Okay, how can a relationship be truly 'open', and yet be one of 'commitment'? Aren't those terms kind of mutually exclusive? I'm not arguing about this; but I 'am' wondering. It seems to me that commitment sort of presupposes 'some kind' of exclusivity.
Right now, I'm not involved with anyone, and I don't really want to be just yet (emotionally). Also, I just can't face the 'single scene' the way it is around here. It takes up a lot of time, and is not especially fruitful in producing quality relationships for the amount of time/effort invested. I think the best way to meet people is in activities of shared interest. I don't want to 'date' just to be 'going out'. I have better things to do with my time, as I'm sure they do. Also, I don't like leading people on, or toying with their affections. I think those are awful things to do, and I never do them. Ever!
Comments
Originally posted by segovius
Well, this only applies if you believe monogamy is the 'normal' state.
True, but most people thinks that the monogamy is the normal state for .. others
Originally posted by Carol A
After all, isn't cyber-sex basically and totally a 'mental' thing?
isn;t the worst thing in cheating if it gets a "mental" or "emotional" thing, rather just a quick #@$%^ somewhere??
Originally posted by PhenixReborn
Matthew 5:27-28: "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." ~ Jesus
Of course, this applies to women also.
that applies to christian and jews only.
Originally posted by LoCash
Brad is right. The thing to worry about is not whether it is cheating, but rather, what the hell is wrong with your current relationship that has you even pondering it?
Don't get involved with a relationship if you're not going to follow through.
yep, what is wrong with the relationshiop?
i read in sun the other day about the biritish sex habits. far over 3/5 do cheat a lot .. well. not still like the esp. latin men. of whcih i consider maybe 99 % cheat - when they have a chance.
so what is wrong with the relationships in general? they last too long? many of those i know who cheat(-ed) (male or female) have been with their partner for many years. need some spicing up? need something, for the life otherwise too boring with her/him? just approfit of the situation of someopne good looking being interested in you?
why is hte majority of the clients of the prostitutes married?
is talking dirty with command line cheating, if you never will see the person in the real life, and neithber of you take it serious?
if that is, then what about talking dirty at work? if you are a male/female and the other persons are of the sex you prefer, and neither of ypu takes anyone serious, but youy are talkiong dirty. isn' that cheating with the same motive?
the not accepting cheating seems to be idealistic and age related thing. im not saying it is ok, just that .. the vast majority of the people (older than me) i know do cheat / have cheated. i don't have to be like the people i know though ,.. just think different.
Originally posted by Carol A
I think it's interesting that you wouldn't ask her to stop.
How do you envision that it might interfere with your relationship? (Granted, it's absolutely none of my business.)
How can Dr. Ruth speak authoritatively about something she's probably never experienced?
I wouldn't ask her to stop because I really don't see the harm in it. It would be interferring in my relationship if she started to have real feelings for the other person or it affected our sex life.
I dont know about Doctor Ruth.. but there's plenty of people speaking authoritatively around here, have they all cybered ? are you taking their opinions seriously ? I suggest a poll...
oh and kneelbeforezod that was an awsome read !
Originally posted by Carol A
I
If it isn't too personal a question, have you ever been involved in a cyber-sex relationship? Did your significant other find out? Did she/he have a fit about it?
Carol
My Cupie doll wouldn't speak to me for weeks...
She felt really deflated and let down.
I tried talking her around but she would fly around the room whenever I brought up the issue.
I'd like to make it up to her, can you give some advice ?
Yours sincerely
An anonymous Love struck Romeo
Aqua
But it is kinda pathetic, and probably not very good for your real life relationships!
Besides, cybersex reminds me of this... so I really can't take it seriously!
Amorya
According to some sources (ie the Bible), even thinking about cheating is cheating.
I think it's about trust. If you feel guilt, and don't want to tell it to your girlfriend, then you should ask yourself why you're in that relationship in the first place.
Originally posted by Amorya
this... so I really can't take it seriously!
Amorya
That's great. A guy claiming to put his finger IN her clit tells her she doesn't know how to have sex.
Have you ever seen the guy who put an Eliza Applescript up on AIM in a cybersex chat room?
Basically, I would consider cybersex cheating, because you are inviting a person other than your SO to actively participate in sexual activity.
If I caught my girlfriend doing that, she would be homeless. I have absolutely no desire myself to do that kind of thing.
tonton, great post.
Originally posted by Splinemodel
If cyber sex is cheating, then beating it is cheating.
that's what i was thinking. i just think of it as simply interactive, uninteresting, non-graphical pr0n. but unlike real pr0n, i dont have a hand free, because i'd have to type with both.
Originally posted by Defiant
If it's an open relationship, could you really call it relationship? If it's an open relationship, could you really cheat?
tonton, great post.
Dammit, all the good threads happen when I'm away.
Oh yes, I've seen open relationships fall to cheating... tonton did indeed nail it. I've seen an open marriage end because the wife said "Okay, *that* person is out of bounds..." when she had good solid medical reasons for saying it. Husband just *HAD* to go after that one person. Boom. Divorce. If he had just said no to that *one person*, all would have been fine, but he broke the rules, and lied blatantly to do so to all involved. That's cheating.
In any relationship, from casual friends to intimate soulmates, boundaries are set. Hopefully, that is done so through communication and negotiation between each individual's needs and wants, but sadly it's often done through 'well, this is society's default, so we're gonna *assume* that this is what we all want and will do...' Bad idea.
If those boundaries are set, and then broken, it is a betrayal of trust, and cheating. Each relationship should have a set of well defined and clearly communicated guidelines and boundaries, a list of what is acceptable and what is not.
Unfortunately, what generally happens is that one or both partners just runs with a set of assumptions about how relationships are 'supposed' to work, and the whole thing goes to hell when a situation is encountered that brings those assumptions into the light.
And yes, open relationships can be indeed relationships of seriousness, intimacy, love and commitment. Just like monogamous relationships can be ones of deception, lies, dishonesty, and betrayal.
What defines the 'realness' of a relationship isn't what it looks like, but how it is managed and how each individual behaves... are they true to themselves and the boundaries communicated with their partner(s)? I'd call that a good relationship, no matter what the boundaries may be.
Of course, mainstream society usually feels differently - being the same mainstream society that wolfs down Big Macs, listens to Justin Timberlake and drives SUVs, I tend not to worry about it too much.
Figure out what *YOU* want, then speak to your partner about it. Often, being honest with yourself is harder than being honest with your partner. It can require some very messy introspection that most folks avoid like the plague. (After all, it's easier to just go with the flow, assume that your psyche's needs are like what everyone else's seem to be from mainstream teachings, and lead an uninspected life, it really is.) But you'll rarely be happy doing it that way.
Find a partner that also knows what they want, and talk honestly and open about it. If there are places where the wants and needs do not fit exactly (and there always are), negotiate, talk them out. It may turn out that there are just plain irreconcilable differences, truly, and each person will be happier on their own, or with someone else... which can suck mightily, but may be best in the long run. Listen to your heart, listen to your partner, and speak your mind.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Everything else is easy after that... but also easy in comparison.
Well just call me Dr. Phil. Cripes.
If my girlfriend does it... oh man... that's the last straw
Nah I'm kidding.
I don't really think it's cheating, there's no physical contact and usually it's just for a quick jolly.
If it's something more consistent and happens a lot, well, that's a different story.
[Edit]: Hey look I can spell correctly now.
(and for the sake of argument you are both single so to avoid any other clashes
If you were having cyber with someone and while doing it you met a person in the flesh and snogged on with them is that cheating against your cyber partner?
Originally posted by Kickaha
Dammit, all the good threads happen when I'm away.
Hi Kicks!
Then you really shouldn't leave!
And here I am with no one to defend me....boo hoo, sob.....as I unwittingly find myself repeatedly embroiled in stressful altercations with various and sundry individuals. These conflicts occur when I least expect them, and when I'm least prepared to deal with them. I must really be doing something wrong, for such problematic scenarios to arise as frequently as they do.
Re your comments:
It sounds like you know people in both open relationships and open marriages. I can see an open relationship working; but the open marriage sounds a LOT trickier.
As I mentioned somewhere, I can't see myself EVER getting married again; so, open relationships would have to be the way to go. (I fairly recently broke up with someone who wanted to get married. I just couldn't do it!)
I want to be free, and I want to feel free. I don't ever want to give up my freedom. It's like the very air I breathe in importance to me. I think people should be able to love deeply and intimately, and still be free. What do you think?
Are the open relationship/marriages with which you are familiar mostly among university faculty types? I wonder how common such arrangements are in the general population? Not very common, I would imagine. But who knows?
And yes, open relationships can be indeed relationships of seriousness, intimacy, love and commitment.
Okay, how can a relationship be truly 'open', and yet be one of 'commitment'? Aren't those terms kind of mutually exclusive? I'm not arguing about this; but I 'am' wondering. It seems to me that commitment sort of presupposes 'some kind' of exclusivity.
Right now, I'm not involved with anyone, and I don't really want to be just yet (emotionally). Also, I just can't face the 'single scene' the way it is around here. It takes up a lot of time, and is not especially fruitful in producing quality relationships for the amount of time/effort invested. I think the best way to meet people is in activities of shared interest. I don't want to 'date' just to be 'going out'. I have better things to do with my time, as I'm sure they do. Also, I don't like leading people on, or toying with their affections. I think those are awful things to do, and I never do them. Ever!