My 500th post will be about someone I love with the greatest of affection.
I have never met him, nor have I seen a picture of him. He lives 5,000 miles away from me, and we may never meet. But I DO love him as one of my favorite 'acquaintances' of all time. We have become VERY good friends. When I think of him, I can't help smiling; because I enjoy everything about his personality and about our unlikely relationship.
We met on the history boards. In the very first thread I ever started anywhere, he jumped in and thrashed me soundly wrt his opinion (extremely negative) of Alexander the Great. hahaha. (Some things never change, it seems: ...Carol getting trashed on every possible kind of messageboard. You'd think I'd have developed a better sense of humor about it by now, but...NO...alas! )
Anyway, to make a long story short, a few weeks later, he jumped into the middle of a conversation in which he had not been involved, and eventually (down the road another few weeks) seduced me with a rare and stunning skill, before I even knew what was happening. I have to add that he is a Sagittarian, the centaur of the zodiac. (Pipe down, BR!!! ) His seduction skills are unparalleled; BUT I did my share of seducing him, too! When I asked him later just who seduced whom, he said it was 'six of one, and half a dozen of the other'. Good way to put it, because that's pretty much just the way it was (though I was much more subtle and less-direct than he! ).
ANYWAY, for a while there, computer screens melted between here and England on a regular basis. There was nothing the least 'pathetic' about it, in 'my' opinion, or in his either. Both of us were in an 'in-between' situation wrt relationships at that point, and our cyber-lust just 'happened'. Neither he nor I had ever had the (cyber) experience before. Nor since.
He is now involved with someone in 'real life', but we are still very good friends. I have no idea if she knows about the relationship he and I have had. I actually think she might; but that's just a guess.
Our relationship has toned down greatly at this point. It couldn't have kept the intensity it had for a while there. But I am here to tell you that it was unbelievable - the emotions, feelings, and INTENSE physical lust than can come over the computer screen between two people 'discovering each other' for the first time! WOW! WOW! WOW!
I love this guy. I really do. I will always love him, whether we ever meet or not. He feels the same way about me. We have communicated our thoughts, beliefs, and passions more than some people ever do in person. He and I know each other SO well. It is a wonderful bond we have. I treasure our relationship. If anyone thinks it's sick and pathetic, that's fine with me.
I would NOT want to have another relationship like it, however. One is enough of such a thing. I would love to meet him some day; but if that doesn't happen, that would be okay too. Our minds have met; our minds have loved. It has been an indescribable pleasure. And we each go on with our lives.
We have communicated our thoughts, beliefs, and passions more than some people ever do in person.
Time for you to improve your intrapersonal skills. Seriously. I understand the whole cyber-thing, but one downfall of the internet is how it helps people stay introverts.
While simultaneously giving them more brazen in quasi-social settings(e.g. Web forums, chat channels..etc.)
Someone posted a link to a recent study saying that the internet actually could help treat people with depression and social anxiety disorders, but I dunno if that's a bunch of bologna or not, either way, Many of us spend a good portion of the day talking to people, albeit through IM and/or BBS, it still is a form of communication with another human being.
It doesn't rank with real life, but it isn't as bleak as people make it out to be, if you ask me that is. Certainly, through web forums and IM I have made many e-friends, many of these cats I rank up with some of my best friends, I dunno, it *is* an interesting phenomenon, possibly it's helped in part by the impersonal nature of the internet, but many people who I have never met in real life have shared things with me that they would never tell anyone they know in the real world, and that alone is valuable beyond recognition.
I have read many studies about introvert/extravert and the general consensus is that you are what you are and there is nothing you can do about it, but that doesn't mean that you can't exude qualities of the opposite type. Personally, I'm an introvert, but I am a sociable person, I feel comfortable in a group, and I'm fairly outgoing, but that doesn't change the fact that I am very introspective and personal a lot of the time too, and ultimately my social outwardness isn't what drives my personage, at least I don't think of it like that.
But yeah, I digress, the internet is really weird, reading Carol's post, I thought, that's pretty strange, but at the same time, It's understandable, I mean, when you read a great book, does it not move you? get you excited? make you happy? sad?...etc. It's not far off to say that mere text can convey world's of emotions, I'd say that they are amplified greatly when they are coming directly from someone else ya know? gives the whole thing a heightened presence...er...or something.
yeesh, how'd I ramble on so long...did any of this post make any sense?
Then you really shouldn't leave! I keep telling you that, but you do it anyway. Tsk. And then I have to pout and sulk the whole time you're gone. Honestly.
And here I am with no one to defend me....boo hoo, sob.....as I unwittingly find myself repeatedly embroiled in stressful altercations with various and sundry individuals. These conflicts occur when I least expect them, and when I'm least prepared to deal with them. I must really be doing something wrong, for such problematic scenarios to arise as frequently as they do. Oh well. C'est la vie.
Oh right. You are *so* unable to defend yourself... ha.
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It sounds like you know people in both open relationships and open marriages. I can see an open relationship working; but the open marriage sounds a LOT trickier.
What's a marriage if not a relationship with legal baggage? On the interpersonal level, it really isn't (or shouldn't be) all that different. Same two people, after all. On a legal level, yeah, it can be sticky. Some states offer some legal nods to polyamorous situations, allowing third (or fourth, or...) parties to be involved in medical decisions, etc, and having it be as legally binding as a spousal relationship. But most are still struggling with the basic idea of gay civil unions and affording them the same basic civilities, so hey. What can you do.
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As I mentioned somewhere, I can't see myself EVER getting married again; so, open relationships would have to be the way to go. (I fairly recently broke up with someone who wanted to get married. I just couldn't do it!)
I want to be free, and I want to feel free. I don't ever want to give up my freedom. It's like the very air I breathe in importance to me. I think people should be able to love deeply and intimately, and still be free. What do you think?
I agree wholeheartedly. I think most people have the capacity to love more than one person. Society, laws, and religion make a point of saying "Pick *ONE*", which certainly simplifies things to be sure... but so does just staying celibate and never having any meaningful relationship at all. Both make as much sense to me.
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Are the open relationship/marriages with which you are familiar mostly among university faculty types? I wonder how common such arrangements are in the general population? Not very common, I would imagine. But who knows?
More than you'd believe, actually. I'd hazard that of the couples, triads and such I know, that while they lean towards the higher educated end of the societal scale, are a pretty decent cross-section of society. Well, at least those with high school educations.
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Okay, how can a relationship be truly 'open', and yet be one of 'commitment'? Aren't those terms kind of mutually exclusive? I'm not arguing about this; but I 'am' wondering. It seems to me that commitment sort of presupposes 'some kind' of exclusivity.
Ah, that only causes a conflict if you assume that 'open' means 'open 100%, do whatever/whoever you want any time you want'. There are such relationships out there, but I've only seen one that lasted for any length of time. Most people would consider that 'casual dating'.
Any relationship will have negotiation, and I've seen everything from "having (preferably anonymous) sex with someone else is okay, but don't form any emotional bonds" (pure hardcore swingers) to "loving other people emotionally is a good thing - just don't touch them" (polyamours, monogamist sexually), and everything in between.
Commitment is about (in my mind) supporting, trusting, and being worthy of someone else's trust. Nothing in there precludes being committed to more than one person, or, in the case of swingers, being committed emotionally to only one but physically open with others.
*Time* usually ends up being the finite resource that the poly relationships I've seen have problems over. Not emotion. To me, saying "You can only love one person" makes as much sense as telling a parent "You can only love one child". Emotions don't work that way.
But, commitment does take time... and that's usually the gotcha that most poly folks run up against sooner or later. Honestly, with finishing up my doctorate, doing side research, trying to find a job and getting myself back into shape, I don't have *TIME* for anything other than being in a monogamous marriage. (But you'd be surprised how many folks I've seen try to juggle a load like that *AND* several relationships... gak.)
So to finally give you something like an answer... commitment to multiple relationships is possible in an 'open' setting (for some negotiated subset of 'open'), given that everyone is satisfied with what they are getting out of any particular pairing. If the finite resource of time can be partitioned adequately, and the infinite resource of emotion is allowed to be expressible, and everyone is honest with themselves and their partners about what they need and want... it has a small possibility of working out. Kind of like any relationship.
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Right now, I'm not involved with anyone, and I don't really want to be just yet (emotionally). Also, I just can't face the 'single scene' the way it is around here. It takes up a lot of time, and is not especially fruitful in producing quality relationships for the amount of time/effort invested. I think the best way to meet people is in activities of shared interest. I don't want to 'date' just to be 'going out'. I have better things to do with my time, as I'm sure they do. Also, I don't like leading people on, or toying with their affections. I think those are awful things to do, and I never do them. Ever!
Good for you. That'd be adhering to basic honesty principles.
And that, along with communication, is the basis for any relationship - monogamous, polyamorous, fully open, or even just a relationship with yourself.
Is cyber-sex cheating? It is if your partner would be unhappy about it.
Comments
I have never met him, nor have I seen a picture of him. He lives 5,000 miles away from me, and we may never meet. But I DO love him as one of my favorite 'acquaintances' of all time. We have become VERY good friends. When I think of him, I can't help smiling; because I enjoy everything about his personality and about our unlikely relationship.
We met on the history boards. In the very first thread I ever started anywhere, he jumped in and thrashed me soundly wrt his opinion (extremely negative) of Alexander the Great. hahaha. (Some things never change, it seems: ...Carol getting trashed on every possible kind of messageboard.
Anyway, to make a long story short, a few weeks later, he jumped into the middle of a conversation in which he had not been involved, and eventually (down the road another few weeks) seduced me with a rare and stunning skill, before I even knew what was happening. I have to add that he is a Sagittarian, the centaur of the zodiac. (Pipe down, BR!!!
ANYWAY, for a while there, computer screens melted between here and England on a regular basis. There was nothing the least 'pathetic' about it, in 'my' opinion, or in his either. Both of us were in an 'in-between' situation wrt relationships at that point, and our cyber-lust just 'happened'. Neither he nor I had ever had the (cyber) experience before. Nor since.
He is now involved with someone in 'real life', but we are still very good friends. I have no idea if she knows about the relationship he and I have had. I actually think she might; but that's just a guess.
Our relationship has toned down greatly at this point. It couldn't have kept the intensity it had for a while there. But I am here to tell you that it was unbelievable - the emotions, feelings, and INTENSE physical lust than can come over the computer screen between two people 'discovering each other' for the first time! WOW! WOW! WOW!
I love this guy. I really do. I will always love him, whether we ever meet or not. He feels the same way about me. We have communicated our thoughts, beliefs, and passions more than some people ever do in person. He and I know each other SO well. It is a wonderful bond we have. I treasure our relationship. If anyone thinks it's sick and pathetic, that's fine with me.
I would NOT want to have another relationship like it, however. One is enough of such a thing. I would love to meet him some day; but if that doesn't happen, that would be okay too. Our minds have met; our minds have loved. It has been an indescribable pleasure. And we each go on with our lives.
Originally posted by Carol A
We have communicated our thoughts, beliefs, and passions more than some people ever do in person.
Time for you to improve your intrapersonal skills. Seriously. I understand the whole cyber-thing, but one downfall of the internet is how it helps people stay introverts.
Someone posted a link to a recent study saying that the internet actually could help treat people with depression and social anxiety disorders, but I dunno if that's a bunch of bologna or not, either way, Many of us spend a good portion of the day talking to people, albeit through IM and/or BBS, it still is a form of communication with another human being.
It doesn't rank with real life, but it isn't as bleak as people make it out to be, if you ask me that is. Certainly, through web forums and IM I have made many e-friends, many of these cats I rank up with some of my best friends, I dunno, it *is* an interesting phenomenon, possibly it's helped in part by the impersonal nature of the internet, but many people who I have never met in real life have shared things with me that they would never tell anyone they know in the real world, and that alone is valuable beyond recognition.
I have read many studies about introvert/extravert and the general consensus is that you are what you are and there is nothing you can do about it, but that doesn't mean that you can't exude qualities of the opposite type. Personally, I'm an introvert, but I am a sociable person, I feel comfortable in a group, and I'm fairly outgoing, but that doesn't change the fact that I am very introspective and personal a lot of the time too, and ultimately my social outwardness isn't what drives my personage, at least I don't think of it like that.
But yeah, I digress, the internet is really weird, reading Carol's post, I thought, that's pretty strange, but at the same time, It's understandable, I mean, when you read a great book, does it not move you? get you excited? make you happy? sad?...etc. It's not far off to say that mere text can convey world's of emotions, I'd say that they are amplified greatly when they are coming directly from someone else ya know? gives the whole thing a heightened presence...er...or something.
yeesh, how'd I ramble on so long...did any of this post make any sense?
Originally posted by Carol A
Hi Kicks!
Then you really shouldn't leave!
And here I am with no one to defend me....boo hoo, sob.....as I unwittingly find myself repeatedly embroiled in stressful altercations with various and sundry individuals. These conflicts occur when I least expect them, and when I'm least prepared to deal with them. I must really be doing something wrong, for such problematic scenarios to arise as frequently as they do.
Oh right. You are *so* unable to defend yourself... ha.
It sounds like you know people in both open relationships and open marriages. I can see an open relationship working; but the open marriage sounds a LOT trickier.
What's a marriage if not a relationship with legal baggage?
As I mentioned somewhere, I can't see myself EVER getting married again; so, open relationships would have to be the way to go. (I fairly recently broke up with someone who wanted to get married. I just couldn't do it!)
I want to be free, and I want to feel free. I don't ever want to give up my freedom. It's like the very air I breathe in importance to me. I think people should be able to love deeply and intimately, and still be free. What do you think?
I agree wholeheartedly. I think most people have the capacity to love more than one person. Society, laws, and religion make a point of saying "Pick *ONE*", which certainly simplifies things to be sure... but so does just staying celibate and never having any meaningful relationship at all. Both make as much sense to me.
Are the open relationship/marriages with which you are familiar mostly among university faculty types? I wonder how common such arrangements are in the general population? Not very common, I would imagine. But who knows?
More than you'd believe, actually. I'd hazard that of the couples, triads and such I know, that while they lean towards the higher educated end of the societal scale, are a pretty decent cross-section of society. Well, at least those with high school educations.
Okay, how can a relationship be truly 'open', and yet be one of 'commitment'? Aren't those terms kind of mutually exclusive? I'm not arguing about this; but I 'am' wondering. It seems to me that commitment sort of presupposes 'some kind' of exclusivity.
Ah, that only causes a conflict if you assume that 'open' means 'open 100%, do whatever/whoever you want any time you want'. There are such relationships out there, but I've only seen one that lasted for any length of time. Most people would consider that 'casual dating'.
Any relationship will have negotiation, and I've seen everything from "having (preferably anonymous) sex with someone else is okay, but don't form any emotional bonds" (pure hardcore swingers) to "loving other people emotionally is a good thing - just don't touch them" (polyamours, monogamist sexually), and everything in between.
Commitment is about (in my mind) supporting, trusting, and being worthy of someone else's trust. Nothing in there precludes being committed to more than one person, or, in the case of swingers, being committed emotionally to only one but physically open with others.
*Time* usually ends up being the finite resource that the poly relationships I've seen have problems over. Not emotion. To me, saying "You can only love one person" makes as much sense as telling a parent "You can only love one child". Emotions don't work that way.
But, commitment does take time... and that's usually the gotcha that most poly folks run up against sooner or later. Honestly, with finishing up my doctorate, doing side research, trying to find a job and getting myself back into shape, I don't have *TIME* for anything other than being in a monogamous marriage.
So to finally give you something like an answer... commitment to multiple relationships is possible in an 'open' setting (for some negotiated subset of 'open'), given that everyone is satisfied with what they are getting out of any particular pairing. If the finite resource of time can be partitioned adequately, and the infinite resource of emotion is allowed to be expressible, and everyone is honest with themselves and their partners about what they need and want... it has a small possibility of working out. Kind of like any relationship.
Right now, I'm not involved with anyone, and I don't really want to be just yet (emotionally). Also, I just can't face the 'single scene' the way it is around here. It takes up a lot of time, and is not especially fruitful in producing quality relationships for the amount of time/effort invested. I think the best way to meet people is in activities of shared interest. I don't want to 'date' just to be 'going out'. I have better things to do with my time, as I'm sure they do. Also, I don't like leading people on, or toying with their affections. I think those are awful things to do, and I never do them. Ever!
Good for you. That'd be adhering to basic honesty principles.
And that, along with communication, is the basis for any relationship - monogamous, polyamorous, fully open, or even just a relationship with yourself.
Is cyber-sex cheating? It is if your partner would be unhappy about it.
Originally posted by burningwheel
i met my wife online. i'm in the us, she was from england
are you now in us or uk?
how many AI couples are there out of there .. ?