Disclaimer: This is for informational purposes only. We cannot be held responsible if you beat up everybody around you!!!
For the purposes of this how-to, we will assume the following:
*\tYou have seen at least three kung-fu movies, have practiced some moves you have seen in them, and in extreme cases, be able to run up a wall and backflip off.
*\tYou can distinguish a punch from a kick, and know that using spinning variations of these attacks is recommended for experts only.
*\tCan handle the responsibility of being able to win any fight.
*\tYou are least twelve years of age.
Step 1: Get pumped. Here are some ways to do this:
*\tThink of the craziest guitar solo you can. Let this be the only thing in your head!!!!!
*\tIf you're driving to the fight, drive really fast! Do not obey traffic lights!!!
*\tIf there are totally hot chicks around, ask them to watch you fight and cheer you on.
*\tMake a cool entrance to the fight. For example, try to find a way to jump off a roof next to him, or get dropped off by flaming helicopter.
*\tThere are lots of ways to get pumped. Try to think of your own!
Step 2: Identify the enemy. Basically, all enemies can be grouped into five categories:
*\tShorter than you
*\tTaller than you
*\tWears bright clothes
*\tMakes witty or snide remarks
*\tHas knives tied in hair
Step 3: Fight! Before you go in fists flying be sure to adjust your strategy accordingly.
For enemy that is shorter than you: Remember he is shorter than you, so you have the psychological advantage. High attacks like roundhouse or bicycle kicks and flying elbows will not work, because they will go over his head. Try low attacks like sweep kicks and helicopter punches. He will almost invariably go for your wallet. Be prepared for this, and keep it in your back pocket. (Note: This is also another reason not to try roundhouse kicks.) If there is a hot chick nearby, have her hold your wallet. If possible, try to keep him confused by getting directly behind him without him noticing. This will prevent him from seeing you, and you can then helicopter punch his back. Repeat process until he gives up or is knocked out!!!!
For enemy that is taller than you: In this case, low attacks will glance off his shins, which could hurt you more than him! Try to aim for soft parts like his tummy. If you manage to knock him off balance (which shouldn't be hard) try a backflip double kick. With any luck, you should hit him directly in the chin with both heels, and he will backflip onto his back. Now he is shorter than you. Refer to the above instructions until he gets back up (if he can!!). If there are hot chicks around, be sure to taunt him. If you are unable to knock him off balance, try hanging from fire escapes or standing on boxes so that you are the same height. This should level the playing field a little.
For enemy that wears bright clothes: Chances are this guy is an optimist, so he will automatically assume he is going to win the fight. Use this to your advantage. If at all possible, get into the darkest place possible, like shadows or alleys so your eyes are not hurt. On the plus side, he should be easy to keep track of so feel free to use all maneuvers in your arsenal that use spinning (roundhouse kicks, helicopter punches, dragon axle). If you get tired, try thinking of an alternate guitar solo. Expect this to be a long fight, since people who wear bright clothes are normally very peppy and energetic. Don't be discouraged if you only land one in a hundred punches, because its that one that counts.
For enemy that makes witty or snide remarks: This enemy will talk a lot to try to confuse you or make you angry and lose your focus. His downfall is that he will always try to complete sentences. Wait for him to get a few words into a sentence and cut him off mid-sentence with a hurricane elbow or something of this nature. While he is doubled over, use this time to think of an even wittier comeback which should end the fight. Below are some examples:
Enemy: Looks like school got out early.
You: Yeah. The School of Pain! (Punch in face, fight is over) Class Dismissed.
Enemy: Nice haircut, queer!
You: I would rather be a queer than a whole butt. (Head butt in mouth, fight is over).
Enemy: Late for your tea party, little girl?
You: Three's company. (Grab bottom jaw, pull down very hard, fight is over).
Note: There are lots of comebacks to every insult. Think of your own! Mix and match. A helpful tip is to carry around a notepad, and when you think of a clever comeback, write it down so you don't forget it! Be creative!
For enemy that has knives tied in hair: This is by far the hardest type of enemy to defeat. Don't let that discourage you. While it is smartest to avoid fights entirely with this category, sometimes it is not avoidable. Some examples would be: You and the enemy with knives tied in his hair have been starved in a pit for days then are forced to fight each other for the amusement of a dark king; You and enemy with knives tied in his hair are in a small room, and something has fallen in the way of the door, forcing you to fight until only one survives; It is the aftermath of a nuclear apocalypse and you and a guy with knives tied in his hair and a totally hot chick are the only survivors and you must defeat him so that the new human race is not evil. (Note: There are more reasons that you and an enemy with knives tied in his hair could be forced to fight, but they are extremely unlikely). First of all, we can't stress enough that you should not direct attacks toward his head, because there are knives tied into it. This could do severe damage to your hands and feet, ending the fight prematurely. The only way fighting researchers have found to end a fight with this type of enemy is as follows: Try and avoid attacks for the duration of the fight. This will tire him out, forcing him to play his trump card: He will begin to wind or twist up. As soon as you see this, run out of the range of his hair. On average this is three or four feet, but run about five feet just to be safe. He will begin spinning. Stay out of range until he can no longer spin. At this point he will be dizzy. There are three major tell-tale signs to determine if your enemy is truly dizzy, or just faking it so you come closer. They are:
1\tEnemy will not be able to walk straight, or stand still. Be careful, this can be faked.
2\tHe may complain that the room is spinning and he wants to get off, or something to that extent. This can also be faked.
3\tFinally, his eyes will be rotating in opposite directions. This cannot be faked. This is your cue to head in for the KO!!!!
Use your best move, for example, a fierce lion jab to the chest or something like this. For those of you who are familiar with flying horse kicks or budding lily technique, by all means use this. Normally, if you KO one person with knives in his hair, word will spread very quickly and you shouldn't have to worry about other people with knives in their hair picking fights with you. This does not give you the right to tie knives in your hair. Remember this is a technique used by dishonorable fighters.
Step 4: Victory pose. This is the fun part. At this point in the fight, the enemy is either running off or is unconcious. Many fighters will strike a pose, and say something in japanese. Experiment with different combinations until you find one that fits your style. Here are some examples. Keep in mind that you are not limited to these! Be creative! Have fun!
*\tKick through the nearest brick wall.
*\tFrontflip onto one hand, and do as many one-handed pushups as you can before flipping back onto your feet.
*\tLook into the sun and let the wind gently blow your shirt/cape or ruffle your hair.
*\tThrow smoke bombs on the ground and vanish before it clears.
*\tPut your hands on your hips, lean back slightly and laugh menacingly. Not at the enemy in particular, just in general.
*\tTurn your back to the spectators, revealing the family crest emblazoned across your back. If you wish, you can point at it.
Congratulations, you have completed the tutorial on how to beat up anybody. Remember this does not guarantee that you will be able to win every fight you get in, but over time and with practice, you will. For best results, print out two copies of this how-to and carry a copy in your wallet and one in your glove compartment so one is always readily available. Please remember: This was written to be used as a tool; Not as a weapon. Exercise caution when performing the techniques described here.
you might want to include having some one read out the relevant part depending on your enemy with a loud haler so you don't have to keep stopping to read the next part.
if a Canadian gets pissed at you, it's easy to defeat them. put some American beer in front of them. Being Canadian, they won't be able to help but drink it, however, with it being American beer, they won't be able to get drunk on it.
Since all Canadians are drunks, they'll keep drinking their 3.2 beer until they explode.
At school whenever someone tries to kick me, i back off and when they have to do a high kick to get me, i grab their shoe. I don't let it go for at least ten seconds, but after i do, they don't want to fight anymore...worked every time
wow. reminds me of the totally sweet power of ninjas. for ur next fight, you could learn the awesomeness of the ninja. but remember: just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.
Comments
I like your thinking, cybermonkey.
Originally posted by Splinemodel
FANTASY WORLD
Come by for a drink, and I'll introduce you to some swiss girls...
Disclaimer: This is for informational purposes only. We cannot be held responsible if you beat up everybody around you!!!
For the purposes of this how-to, we will assume the following:
*\tYou have seen at least three kung-fu movies, have practiced some moves you have seen in them, and in extreme cases, be able to run up a wall and backflip off.
*\tYou can distinguish a punch from a kick, and know that using spinning variations of these attacks is recommended for experts only.
*\tCan handle the responsibility of being able to win any fight.
*\tYou are least twelve years of age.
Step 1: Get pumped. Here are some ways to do this:
*\tThink of the craziest guitar solo you can. Let this be the only thing in your head!!!!!
*\tIf you're driving to the fight, drive really fast! Do not obey traffic lights!!!
*\tIf there are totally hot chicks around, ask them to watch you fight and cheer you on.
*\tMake a cool entrance to the fight. For example, try to find a way to jump off a roof next to him, or get dropped off by flaming helicopter.
*\tThere are lots of ways to get pumped. Try to think of your own!
Step 2: Identify the enemy. Basically, all enemies can be grouped into five categories:
*\tShorter than you
*\tTaller than you
*\tWears bright clothes
*\tMakes witty or snide remarks
*\tHas knives tied in hair
Step 3: Fight! Before you go in fists flying be sure to adjust your strategy accordingly.
For enemy that is shorter than you: Remember he is shorter than you, so you have the psychological advantage. High attacks like roundhouse or bicycle kicks and flying elbows will not work, because they will go over his head. Try low attacks like sweep kicks and helicopter punches. He will almost invariably go for your wallet. Be prepared for this, and keep it in your back pocket. (Note: This is also another reason not to try roundhouse kicks.) If there is a hot chick nearby, have her hold your wallet. If possible, try to keep him confused by getting directly behind him without him noticing. This will prevent him from seeing you, and you can then helicopter punch his back. Repeat process until he gives up or is knocked out!!!!
For enemy that is taller than you: In this case, low attacks will glance off his shins, which could hurt you more than him! Try to aim for soft parts like his tummy. If you manage to knock him off balance (which shouldn't be hard) try a backflip double kick. With any luck, you should hit him directly in the chin with both heels, and he will backflip onto his back. Now he is shorter than you. Refer to the above instructions until he gets back up (if he can!!). If there are hot chicks around, be sure to taunt him. If you are unable to knock him off balance, try hanging from fire escapes or standing on boxes so that you are the same height. This should level the playing field a little.
For enemy that wears bright clothes: Chances are this guy is an optimist, so he will automatically assume he is going to win the fight. Use this to your advantage. If at all possible, get into the darkest place possible, like shadows or alleys so your eyes are not hurt. On the plus side, he should be easy to keep track of so feel free to use all maneuvers in your arsenal that use spinning (roundhouse kicks, helicopter punches, dragon axle). If you get tired, try thinking of an alternate guitar solo. Expect this to be a long fight, since people who wear bright clothes are normally very peppy and energetic. Don't be discouraged if you only land one in a hundred punches, because its that one that counts.
For enemy that makes witty or snide remarks: This enemy will talk a lot to try to confuse you or make you angry and lose your focus. His downfall is that he will always try to complete sentences. Wait for him to get a few words into a sentence and cut him off mid-sentence with a hurricane elbow or something of this nature. While he is doubled over, use this time to think of an even wittier comeback which should end the fight. Below are some examples:
Enemy: Looks like school got out early.
You: Yeah. The School of Pain! (Punch in face, fight is over) Class Dismissed.
Enemy: Nice haircut, queer!
You: I would rather be a queer than a whole butt. (Head butt in mouth, fight is over).
Enemy: Late for your tea party, little girl?
You: Three's company. (Grab bottom jaw, pull down very hard, fight is over).
Note: There are lots of comebacks to every insult. Think of your own! Mix and match. A helpful tip is to carry around a notepad, and when you think of a clever comeback, write it down so you don't forget it! Be creative!
For enemy that has knives tied in hair: This is by far the hardest type of enemy to defeat. Don't let that discourage you. While it is smartest to avoid fights entirely with this category, sometimes it is not avoidable. Some examples would be: You and the enemy with knives tied in his hair have been starved in a pit for days then are forced to fight each other for the amusement of a dark king; You and enemy with knives tied in his hair are in a small room, and something has fallen in the way of the door, forcing you to fight until only one survives; It is the aftermath of a nuclear apocalypse and you and a guy with knives tied in his hair and a totally hot chick are the only survivors and you must defeat him so that the new human race is not evil. (Note: There are more reasons that you and an enemy with knives tied in his hair could be forced to fight, but they are extremely unlikely). First of all, we can't stress enough that you should not direct attacks toward his head, because there are knives tied into it. This could do severe damage to your hands and feet, ending the fight prematurely. The only way fighting researchers have found to end a fight with this type of enemy is as follows: Try and avoid attacks for the duration of the fight. This will tire him out, forcing him to play his trump card: He will begin to wind or twist up. As soon as you see this, run out of the range of his hair. On average this is three or four feet, but run about five feet just to be safe. He will begin spinning. Stay out of range until he can no longer spin. At this point he will be dizzy. There are three major tell-tale signs to determine if your enemy is truly dizzy, or just faking it so you come closer. They are:
1\tEnemy will not be able to walk straight, or stand still. Be careful, this can be faked.
2\tHe may complain that the room is spinning and he wants to get off, or something to that extent. This can also be faked.
3\tFinally, his eyes will be rotating in opposite directions. This cannot be faked. This is your cue to head in for the KO!!!!
Use your best move, for example, a fierce lion jab to the chest or something like this. For those of you who are familiar with flying horse kicks or budding lily technique, by all means use this. Normally, if you KO one person with knives in his hair, word will spread very quickly and you shouldn't have to worry about other people with knives in their hair picking fights with you. This does not give you the right to tie knives in your hair. Remember this is a technique used by dishonorable fighters.
Step 4: Victory pose. This is the fun part. At this point in the fight, the enemy is either running off or is unconcious. Many fighters will strike a pose, and say something in japanese. Experiment with different combinations until you find one that fits your style. Here are some examples. Keep in mind that you are not limited to these! Be creative! Have fun!
*\tKick through the nearest brick wall.
*\tFrontflip onto one hand, and do as many one-handed pushups as you can before flipping back onto your feet.
*\tLook into the sun and let the wind gently blow your shirt/cape or ruffle your hair.
*\tThrow smoke bombs on the ground and vanish before it clears.
*\tPut your hands on your hips, lean back slightly and laugh menacingly. Not at the enemy in particular, just in general.
*\tTurn your back to the spectators, revealing the family crest emblazoned across your back. If you wish, you can point at it.
Congratulations, you have completed the tutorial on how to beat up anybody. Remember this does not guarantee that you will be able to win every fight you get in, but over time and with practice, you will. For best results, print out two copies of this how-to and carry a copy in your wallet and one in your glove compartment so one is always readily available. Please remember: This was written to be used as a tool; Not as a weapon. Exercise caution when performing the techniques described here.
you might want to include having some one read out the relevant part depending on your enemy with a loud haler so you don't have to keep stopping to read the next part.
if a Canadian gets pissed at you, it's easy to defeat them. put some American beer in front of them. Being Canadian, they won't be able to help but drink it, however, with it being American beer, they won't be able to get drunk on it.
Since all Canadians are drunks, they'll keep drinking their 3.2 beer until they explode.
Right murbot?
-Neø
Originally posted by murbot
...
wow. reminds me of the totally sweet power of ninjas. for ur next fight, you could learn the awesomeness of the ninja. but remember: just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.