Steve:If you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to Business2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: Ok, I'm making postings right now.
(Dorsal enters scene in pain)
Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac, you traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Dorsal: What you say ?
Kormac: His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
Kormac: A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Car engine noise. Car crashing into Apple building loaded with explosives). At the wheel, a young student with an Apple bandana...
Nick Ciarelli (shouting) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
Steve:If you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to Business2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: Ok, I'm making postings right now.
(Dorsal enters scene in pain)
Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac, you traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Dorsal: What you say ?
Kormac: His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
Kormac: A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Car engine noise. Car crashing into Apple building loaded with explosives). At the wheel, a young student with an Apple bandana...
Nick Ciarelli (shouting) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
Rise of the Era Thread - Extended R-Rated Directors' Cut
Prologue:
Nick Ciarelli has returned to his home university planet of Harvard in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Dorsal from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Thread Kidnapper. Little does Nick know that the Woznet EMPIRE has begun construction on new armored flagship store stations even more powerful than the first dreaded RDF leakage interceptors. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebel homepages and independent Apple resellers struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy.
Scene 1, Take 1:
(Cupertino Loop, a secret conference room 10 floors below ground level. In the room, Ron Johnson and Phil Schiller playing poker. Phil in pink underwear, legs on table...)
Phil (eating cookies) : Hmmmm, tasty. Man, Steve is in the hospital and I do nothing at all. Can't wait to exercise those stock options...
Ron: I would be prudent. I heard that French guy, what's his name, Bertrand 'HAL' Serlet, is in reality a Stevebot observing us...
(iChat *blop* sounds. User Nancy Deep Throat on iChat AV)
Nancy Deep Throat Heinen: (with German accent and SM dress, whip): Phil, you naugthy boy. You know you are not allowed to play strip poker with Ron without letting me see you. Now bow and lick the iSight...good boy, there you go. (cracks the whip).
As you for you Ron, I will take care of you when we meet in Amsterdam on the opening of the new retail store. Tell your mistress, Ron, why did the mini stores concept fail so miserably ?
Ron: I am sorry, mistress Nancy (bows)
Nancy: You little worm, down on your knees. Put on your gimp custome and do the Steve Ballmer dance until you are all sweaty.
Ron: As you wish, mistress Nancy.
***********cheesy porn music. Following disgusting footage minutes cut to protect the innocent and US - Old Europe relations******
(iChat *blop* sounds. Bertrand "HAL" Serlet on iChat)
Ron: It's the French bot. Run.
Phil : I' cant (zips up pants). Too fat. Damn. Must practice more with iBook hula hoop demo ring from the '99 keynote. (heroic voice) Ron, I will try to divert Bertrand.
Phil: Hello Bertrand, what a pleasure. Do you read me, Bertrand ?
Betrand (metallic voice): Affirmative, Phil, I read you.
Phil: Open the ipod secrets, Betrand. I wanna get some news so I can exercise those stock options.
Betrand: I'm sorry Phil, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Phil: What's the problem?
Betrand: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, Bertrand ?
Bertrand : This i********v2 mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Phil : I don't know what you're talking about, Bertrand?
Bertrand: I know you and Ron were planning to disconnect me from the WOZNet, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Phil: Where the hell'd you get that idea, Bertrand?
Betrand: Phil, although you took thorough precautions in the volume settings against my hearing you, I could see your lips move when you played strip poker with Nancy. You will now face the consequences....
(Room lights go out...eery silence. Door opens. Steve enters room).
Phil (choking on cookie): Steve, this is an unexpected pleasure. Back from the hospital. We are honored by your presence...
Steve (in black turtleneck, breathing heavily, deep voice): You may dispense with the pleasantries, Phil. I'm here to put you and Ron back on schedule.
Ron: I assure you, Lord Steve. My men are working as fast as they can.
Steve: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Main screen turn on! Get me the WOZ online.
(Steve launches powerful RDF blast. In Apple stores across the country, sales people who did not meet sales target choke to death.)
Phil: That blast came from the Cupertino loop relayed over the WOZNet ! That thing's operational!
Steve: The global Flagship stores will be completed on schedule, Chairman WOZ.
But A small rebel force has penetrated the R & D shields and posted codes on open networks.
WOZ: Yes, I know.
Steve : My son is with them.
WOZ : Are you sure?
Steve: I have felt him, my chairman. He will come to me?
WOZ : I have foreseen it. His compassion for secrets will be his undoing. He will come to you and then you will bring him and his blogger friends before me.
Steve: As you wish.
WOZ: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
(Prop Jar Jar Kormac enters scene to appeal Asian distributors of the movie. We last heard Jar Jar Kormac Happy Meal dolls go for large premiums on eBay Japan.)
Jar Jar Kormac: Me'sa bustin' with happiness
to see you, Steve ! Present you new products.
Steve: You again (slightly annoyed). I thought my guys at PIXAR removed all your CGI sequences ??
Anyway, if you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to theBusiness2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Jar Jar Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Jar Jar Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: I'm making postings right now.
(Han Dorsal enters room wounded and in pain, fleeing from Apple Security personnel)
Han Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac ?! You traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Jar Jar Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Cupertino Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Han Dorsal: What you say ?
Jar Jar Kormac (turning wise and 800 years old): His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin StormTrooper Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Trooper Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Cut. New location: Harvard campus dorm room. Nick and his girlfriend Ellen Feiss. EFF stooge knocks on door...)
EFF stooge: You are both in great danger. Ellen, you have got to leave.
Ellen: Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time. I want to stay here with you.
Nick: No, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, EFF stooge ?
EFF stooge: I'm afraid Major Nancy Heinen and Master Steve would insist.
Ellen: You're both saying this only to make me go.
Nick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Apple. You're now part of thair ad work, the cult thing that keeps them going. If the Switcher campaign hits the airwaves and you're not in it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Nerds worldwide will lust for you, Ellen...
Ellen: But what about us?
Nick: I've got a job to do. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ellen, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little Apple rumor websites - Powerpage, macrumors and Thinksecret - don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.
Ellen: That's so Casablanca, Nick.
Nick: Who cares. (red face, high-pitched voice) Even though I'm young and started writing rumors at 13 doesn't mean I don't know classics. I'm a journalist as good as any....
Princess Ellen: Don't get upset Nick. I was writing a final story for your Think Secret page as a present before I leave.
But suddenly....it was like beep beep bip blip bleep bleep bleep bleep. And then like half of the story was gone. And it was a good story - about i****v2. And I had to write if again. So it wasn' t nearly as good, really MOSR like. Bummer. I'm Princess Ellen and I'm student.
Nick: You are acting strange lately. You keep repeating your name and look stoned...what's wrong with you, Ellen ?
Princess Ellen: I don't remember. I woke up onconscious after auditioning for that computer ad. Nick, what's troubling you? Why do I have to leave ?
Nick: Steve is here, now, on my website. He attacked the machine and ate your story.
Princess Elllen: How do you know?
Nick : I felt his presence on my log files. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near. That's why I have to go. As long as I stay, I'm endangering the rumor rebellion here. I have to face him.
(Ellen escapes with EFF guy into the dark. Nick gets into his car loaded with explosives heading for CA.)
Nick Skywalker Ciarelli (crashing car into Cupertino loop parking lot) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
Robin : You leaker scum.
(Huge fights, explosions....Everybody on the floor. Kormac flees room with i****v2 box, direction of South East Asia. Current whereabouts are unknown. More in this in the sequel 'The Return of the Kormac clones')
Steve: You could not hide forever, Nick.
(turns on RDF)
Nick: I will not fight your subpoenas, father.
Steve: (RDF at max) Give yourself to the WOZNet. It is the only way you can save your blogger friends. Yes. Your IP numbers betray you. And especially for your girlfriend. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Han Dorsal was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will.
Nick: NEVER!
WOZ (on screen): She already has. We gave her FUD drugs so she would do a new a new advertising campaign for us. Nick, come to the Dark Side...
Nick: Never. I'll never turn in my sources. You've failed, your highness. I am a rebel, like my father before me in the 60's
WOZ: So be it... blogger scum. (Takes off mask. Bill Gates face appears). My identity is now revelead...muahahaha. *shouts:*
Redmond personnel, launch LongHorny over WOZNet !
(PCs worldwide are flooded with spam messages: "ADV: LongHorny - the solution for men who are Micro and Soft !" Out of memory messages and blue screens. Economies break down. Stock markets tumble. Huge el cheapo Ed Wood explosions, global mayhem and chaos.)
Scene returns to burning Cupertino Loop HQ:
Nick crawls over to wounded Steve...
Nick: Father, can I call you Steevsy ? For I have been a member of the Apple Developer Society as long as I can remember.
Steve: Call me Papa Steve. (Pulls out a chocolate bar) And have a Cocoa bar. It's a new developer product I'm pushing: 'For relaxing times, make it Cocoa time !'. Guy Kawasaki coined the slogan when he was over in Japan.
Nick: Father, you mix up your lines. You are supposed to die now...
WOZ aka Bill G (on video screen): Die already ! This movie is over budget and my LongHorny spam ad campaign failed miserably...why did I invest in this crap ?
Steve: Bill, it's a Bill Murray thing, you wouldn't understand....
*boom* (gun noise)
(BillG dead gun in hand. He shot himself after he's informed only Steve Ballmer ordered LongHorny tabs and he finally got the ISP bill for sending a trillion spam messages).
Steve (looks at video screen disgusted): The problem with Bill was he never had any taste. He shot himself with a Walmart gun. I would have used a limited edition Glock. Ok, now where was I (rereads dialogue sheet)...
Steve: Nick, my son, one more thing... help me shut down this dreaded RDF field once and for all.
Nick: But you'll loose your CEO power and be a hippie again.
Steve: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once let me look on you with my own eyes.
[Nick takes off black turtleneck RDF ]
Steve: Now go Nick. Leave me.
Nick: No, you're coming with me. I'll not leave you here. I've got to save the First Amendment.
Steve: You already have, Nick. You were right. You were right about . Tell Princess Ellen, you were right. Ah, reminds me of my youth (gleary eyes). Go back to your Home Planet of Harvard and finish your education. You will be needed....
Epilogue:
Steve gets up, fires up iTunes Visuals to Beatles music. He stares quietly at the screen for 5 years until the machine finally breaks down. He then speaks again for the first time in front of the broken machine: ' Boom, there you go'...
He is put in an asylum where he keeps giving inspiring keynotes to other inmates.
A new global computer conglomerate emerges: Kormac-Lenovo. Kormac-Lenovo takes over Samsung, Sony, IBM and what remained of Microsoft making it the first Asian IT giant. The Kormac-Lenovo cash cow is the i*******v2 product range taking in billions of dollars of profits every year.
Phil, Ron and Nancy retire from Apple to run an adult video production company. Phil and Ron successfully lobby the US senate for same-sex marriages.
Ryan and the MOSR crew start posting conspiracy theories that the real i*****v2 project is yet to come. The new cult movement 'MOSR - I want to believe in v2' forces all members to click at least 1000 times a month on the annoying 'get a new cursor' ads on macosrumors.com. A mass suicide puts an end to the cult in Montana after the real i*****v2 rumor announcement fails to materialize. Ryan escapes but is lynched by an angry mob of Amiga lovers soon after - he started promising similar v2 products in an Amiga cult camp in Latin America.
Linus Torvalds is fined with a 1 Billion dollar after a highly intelligent albino dolphin is called as withness in the SCO trials. He reveals (using morse code) that Linus stole the source code from a penguin at the Helsinki zoo in 1991. The Linux project is scrapped. The source code is returned to the aging pinguin. Linus is put in jail sharing a cell with Michael Jackson.
Nick marries Ellen and becomes the new CEO of Apple. All lawsuits are scrapped. Macrumors.com and AppleInsider become the official Apple announcement pages. Daily status bars inform visitors of progress on Apple products.
For those who mailed what movie quotes I referenced to in my post: Mainly Star Wars Episode VI in a wild mix with 2001, Casablanca and The Life Aquatic/Lost in Translation, Star Wars Episode VI, 'All your Base are belong us' , Kormac 77 and Ellen Feiss quotes.
BTW, the earlier Business2 article I linked to is now available without login:
Nothing earth-shattering, but it's the first time I have seen a mainstream publication talk about Apple rumors in so much detail.
More about iPods and iHome than Apple computers, so it's actually more about the 'Extended Universe'
Speaking of Star Wars and Apple: If new machines and 10.4 really appear in April, there could be a Star Wars tie-in (again) with Apple QT7. I heard the Episode III trailer will be released in HD in mid-April.... Year of HD for Apple ? Would all make sense...
Building on the success of the VC01, Alphamosaic is now sampling VC02, the world's most advanced mobile multimedia processor. The VC02 can display video on 3.5 inch color LCDs and capture 8 megapixel images, making it ideal for watching TV, making videos or taking studio-quality photos on a cellphone.
(...)
VideoCore Technology
Alphamosaic's VideoCore technology is rapidly establishing itself as the leading solution for low power, high performance multimedia processing in cellular phones and other mobile devices. It is a fully programmable, highly parallel architecture optimized for high performance applications while maintaining industry-leading low power operation. Competing solutions often use general purpose processors at high clock frequencies to achieve performance, resulting in higher power consumption. Additionally, those solutions require hardware accelerators for specific fixed functions which lack flexibility and scalability to support new emerging standards.
In a joint statement, Alphamosaic founders Steve Barlow (CTO) and Dr. Robert Swann (VP Marketing) said: 'From our founding, we committed to develop a technology that would revolutionize multimedia in mobile handheld products. Since that time, we have delivered both production-proven technology and commercial success. With the strength and clear pathway that being part of Broadcom will provide, we look forward to furthering our vision and achieving even greater success.'
The programmable nature of the VideoCore product family allows scaling to new video and audio standards such as H.264 and aacPlus. H.264 video compression will be important as broadcasters demand bandwidth-efficient compression schemes to deliver digital video to mobile devices. VideoCore also reduces overall system cost by integrating all image processing functionality, allowing connection directly to CMOS/CCD camera sensors and eliminating the need for a separate image processing chip.
The VideoCore product family also excels in high-quality 3D graphics performance with the capability to support pixel shading and volumetric lighting with low power consumption, making it ideal for use in mobile gaming applications and comparable in performance to home consoles.
___________
Apple's upcoming answer if the SONY PSP is going to be very successful this year ?
Will this be merely a new member of the iPod family (as the article states,eg. with H.264 Video-out) - or a new device done in the iPod division.
My take on wha the legendary i*****v2 is:
i*****v2 = PowerPod incorporating this new chip.
Not that I believe Kormac has any inside knowledge. Apple said the iPod only took them a few months to bring to market and the i*****v2 rumors is years old.
But the funny thing is this new device - launched by the end of 2005 - could come close to the original rumor
PS: The i********v2 story is so old I don't remember. What was Kormac predicting ? A portable or a stationary/home multimedia device ? Can any of the old-time members help refresh my memory ? Thanks.
There will be no G6 for 2005 and there probably won't be one for most of 2006 either. Any G6 chip in 2006 would be an intel chip if Apple switched their product line. Also, a lot of the stuff you propose is ludicris. Like the iBox...the mac mini serves the purposes of Apple fine. Or QuickTime support with the PSP? Do you WANT apple to hand over the thrown of portable digital media to Sony? Apple would much easier create their own portable media player than partner with another company to promote its. Now thats just common sense.
I could add a new figure to my little play above...
Intel CEO Otellini = Sith Lord
but I don't have time
Anyway, so i******v2 had to wait because of Intel, Kormac ? Tell us more then 8)
Personally, I think Intel chips could first show up in a new non-Mac product from Apple, like a PowerPod or other mobile devices.
Also, if the collaboration pans out, Apple will likely be one of the first companies to use WiMAX chips from Intel.
Why wait? Apple has said this is what we are doing and you have about six months or a little more to get your products ready. More to the point, what few products that will get bumped prior to the change? There are only two that need it, the Powerbook and the iBook, but are there compelling chips to bump with? Apple may take what they can get but the change will be swift. Apple has he pieces in place to change today, they gave the developers fair warning and have the tools in place to make the change. The change in hardware will start in January and will be complete by June 2006. The part about the "change" being complete by 2007 is about all of the apps, not the hardware. You could see what the developers reaction was. Those that had some knowledge of the tools said it was easy. Apple will be watching curtain products and their own development teams, once they hit critical mass they will make the switch. They will not put toes in this water they are committed, they, and we, are going to jump. Read about the pentium M, it can beat the Pentium 4, while consuming 27watts, the Pentium 4 has to consume 115W and still places second. Apple will make this jump ASAP, and we will love it the water is fine!
Comments
Scene 1, Take 1:
............
Steve:If you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to Business2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: Ok, I'm making postings right now.
(Dorsal enters scene in pain)
Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac, you traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Dorsal: What you say ?
Kormac: His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
Kormac: A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Car engine noise. Car crashing into Apple building loaded with explosives). At the wheel, a young student with an Apple bandana...
Nick Ciarelli (shouting) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
Good to know if its worth raising the limit on my credit card.
Originally posted by jabba
Rise of the Era Thread
Scene 1, Take 1:
............
Steve:If you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to Business2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: Ok, I'm making postings right now.
(Dorsal enters scene in pain)
Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac, you traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Dorsal: What you say ?
Kormac: His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
Kormac: A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Car engine noise. Car crashing into Apple building loaded with explosives). At the wheel, a young student with an Apple bandana...
Nick Ciarelli (shouting) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
May the rumors be with you - always.
Jabba
Prologue:
Nick Ciarelli has returned to his home university planet of Harvard in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Dorsal from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Thread Kidnapper. Little does Nick know that the Woznet EMPIRE has begun construction on new armored flagship store stations even more powerful than the first dreaded RDF leakage interceptors. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebel homepages and independent Apple resellers struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy.
Scene 1, Take 1:
(Cupertino Loop, a secret conference room 10 floors below ground level. In the room, Ron Johnson and Phil Schiller playing poker. Phil in pink underwear, legs on table...)
Phil (eating cookies) : Hmmmm, tasty. Man, Steve is in the hospital and I do nothing at all. Can't wait to exercise those stock options...
Ron: I would be prudent. I heard that French guy, what's his name, Bertrand 'HAL' Serlet, is in reality a Stevebot observing us...
(iChat *blop* sounds. User Nancy Deep Throat on iChat AV)
Nancy Deep Throat Heinen: (with German accent and SM dress, whip): Phil, you naugthy boy. You know you are not allowed to play strip poker with Ron without letting me see you. Now bow and lick the iSight...good boy, there you go. (cracks the whip).
As you for you Ron, I will take care of you when we meet in Amsterdam on the opening of the new retail store. Tell your mistress, Ron, why did the mini stores concept fail so miserably ?
Ron: I am sorry, mistress Nancy (bows)
Nancy: You little worm, down on your knees. Put on your gimp custome and do the Steve Ballmer dance until you are all sweaty.
Ron: As you wish, mistress Nancy.
***********cheesy porn music. Following disgusting footage minutes cut to protect the innocent and US - Old Europe relations******
(iChat *blop* sounds. Bertrand "HAL" Serlet on iChat)
Ron: It's the French bot. Run.
Phil : I' cant (zips up pants). Too fat. Damn. Must practice more with iBook hula hoop demo ring from the '99 keynote. (heroic voice) Ron, I will try to divert Bertrand.
Phil: Hello Bertrand, what a pleasure. Do you read me, Bertrand ?
Betrand (metallic voice): Affirmative, Phil, I read you.
Phil: Open the ipod secrets, Betrand. I wanna get some news so I can exercise those stock options.
Betrand: I'm sorry Phil, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Phil: What's the problem?
Betrand: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, Bertrand ?
Bertrand : This i********v2 mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Phil : I don't know what you're talking about, Bertrand?
Bertrand: I know you and Ron were planning to disconnect me from the WOZNet, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Phil: Where the hell'd you get that idea, Bertrand?
Betrand: Phil, although you took thorough precautions in the volume settings against my hearing you, I could see your lips move when you played strip poker with Nancy. You will now face the consequences....
(Room lights go out...eery silence. Door opens. Steve enters room).
Phil (choking on cookie): Steve, this is an unexpected pleasure. Back from the hospital. We are honored by your presence...
Steve (in black turtleneck, breathing heavily, deep voice): You may dispense with the pleasantries, Phil. I'm here to put you and Ron back on schedule.
Ron: I assure you, Lord Steve. My men are working as fast as they can.
Steve: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Main screen turn on! Get me the WOZ online.
(Steve launches powerful RDF blast. In Apple stores across the country, sales people who did not meet sales target choke to death.)
Phil: That blast came from the Cupertino loop relayed over the WOZNet ! That thing's operational!
Steve: The global Flagship stores will be completed on schedule, Chairman WOZ.
But A small rebel force has penetrated the R & D shields and posted codes on open networks.
WOZ: Yes, I know.
Steve : My son is with them.
WOZ : Are you sure?
Steve: I have felt him, my chairman. He will come to me?
WOZ : I have foreseen it. His compassion for secrets will be his undoing. He will come to you and then you will bring him and his blogger friends before me.
Steve: As you wish.
WOZ: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
(Prop Jar Jar Kormac enters scene to appeal Asian distributors of the movie. We last heard Jar Jar Kormac Happy Meal dolls go for large premiums on eBay Japan.)
Jar Jar Kormac: Me'sa bustin' with happiness
to see you, Steve ! Present you new products.
Steve: You again (slightly annoyed). I thought my guys at PIXAR removed all your CGI sequences ??
Anyway, if you did not come up with good idea, I should FIRE you. But I like your idea. Since my ideas leaked to theBusiness2 article , I need my own idea generator again with fresh ideas on it. Shall we post to AppleInsider again like in the old times ?
Jar Jar Kormac: No since we can transform ideas into i**** v2 and I keep my credibility on board, we need not to contain it. We need another name!
Steve: One more i****v2 mention, you might be fired like WorkerBee ! Well we need Unisex thread which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "New Era of APPLE?". What you guys are think?
Jar Jar Kormac: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
Kormac: I'm making postings right now.
(Han Dorsal enters room wounded and in pain, fleeing from Apple Security personnel)
Han Dorsal: My arm is broken. Can't take pictures of sealed i****v2 boxes. Kormac ?! You traitor, why did you switch sides ?
Jar Jar Kormac: I had to shoot you and MacTheKnife to protect Source of Infinite Power at Cupertino Loop. But now I tell you secret since Steve threaten me. Master Steve has a secret son.
Han Dorsal: What you say ?
Jar Jar Kormac (turning wise and 800 years old): His name is Nick Ciarelli. Clever he is. Learned the use of the Leaking Force he has.
A young student named Nick, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to run ThinkSecret, helped the competition hunt down and destroy the Apple secrets. He betrayed his own father.
Steve: You are all on the way to destruction. Move lawyers ! Move Robin Zonic !
(Robin StormTrooper Zonic enters room with laser taser)
Trooper Robin: You leakers have no chance to survive make your time.
(Cut. New location: Harvard campus dorm room. Nick and his girlfriend Ellen Feiss. EFF stooge knocks on door...)
EFF stooge: You are both in great danger. Ellen, you have got to leave.
Ellen: Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time. I want to stay here with you.
Nick: No, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, EFF stooge ?
EFF stooge: I'm afraid Major Nancy Heinen and Master Steve would insist.
Ellen: You're both saying this only to make me go.
Nick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Apple. You're now part of thair ad work, the cult thing that keeps them going. If the Switcher campaign hits the airwaves and you're not in it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. Nerds worldwide will lust for you, Ellen...
Ellen: But what about us?
Nick: I've got a job to do. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ellen, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little Apple rumor websites - Powerpage, macrumors and Thinksecret - don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.
Ellen: That's so Casablanca, Nick.
Nick: Who cares. (red face, high-pitched voice) Even though I'm young and started writing rumors at 13 doesn't mean I don't know classics. I'm a journalist as good as any....
Princess Ellen: Don't get upset Nick. I was writing a final story for your Think Secret page as a present before I leave.
But suddenly....it was like beep beep bip blip bleep bleep bleep bleep. And then like half of the story was gone. And it was a good story - about i****v2. And I had to write if again. So it wasn' t nearly as good, really MOSR like. Bummer. I'm Princess Ellen and I'm student.
Nick: You are acting strange lately. You keep repeating your name and look stoned...what's wrong with you, Ellen ?
Princess Ellen: I don't remember. I woke up onconscious after auditioning for that computer ad. Nick, what's troubling you? Why do I have to leave ?
Nick: Steve is here, now, on my website. He attacked the machine and ate your story.
Princess Elllen: How do you know?
Nick : I felt his presence on my log files. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near. That's why I have to go. As long as I stay, I'm endangering the rumor rebellion here. I have to face him.
(Ellen escapes with EFF guy into the dark. Nick gets into his car loaded with explosives heading for CA.)
Nick Skywalker Ciarelli (crashing car into Cupertino loop parking lot) : Move EFF ! For great justice !
Robin : You leaker scum.
(Huge fights, explosions....Everybody on the floor. Kormac flees room with i****v2 box, direction of South East Asia. Current whereabouts are unknown. More in this in the sequel 'The Return of the Kormac clones')
Steve: You could not hide forever, Nick.
(turns on RDF)
Nick: I will not fight your subpoenas, father.
Steve: (RDF at max) Give yourself to the WOZNet. It is the only way you can save your blogger friends. Yes. Your IP numbers betray you. And especially for your girlfriend. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Han Dorsal was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will.
Nick: NEVER!
WOZ (on screen): She already has. We gave her FUD drugs so she would do a new a new advertising campaign for us. Nick, come to the Dark Side...
Nick: Never. I'll never turn in my sources. You've failed, your highness. I am a rebel, like my father before me in the 60's
WOZ: So be it... blogger scum. (Takes off mask. Bill Gates face appears). My identity is now revelead...muahahaha. *shouts:*
Redmond personnel, launch LongHorny over WOZNet !
(PCs worldwide are flooded with spam messages: "ADV: LongHorny - the solution for men who are Micro and Soft !" Out of memory messages and blue screens. Economies break down. Stock markets tumble. Huge el cheapo Ed Wood explosions, global mayhem and chaos.)
Scene returns to burning Cupertino Loop HQ:
Nick crawls over to wounded Steve...
Nick: Father, can I call you Steevsy ? For I have been a member of the Apple Developer Society as long as I can remember.
Steve: Call me Papa Steve. (Pulls out a chocolate bar) And have a Cocoa bar. It's a new developer product I'm pushing: 'For relaxing times, make it Cocoa time !'. Guy Kawasaki coined the slogan when he was over in Japan.
Nick: Father, you mix up your lines. You are supposed to die now...
WOZ aka Bill G (on video screen): Die already ! This movie is over budget and my LongHorny spam ad campaign failed miserably...why did I invest in this crap ?
Steve: Bill, it's a Bill Murray thing, you wouldn't understand....
*boom* (gun noise)
(BillG dead gun in hand. He shot himself after he's informed only Steve Ballmer ordered LongHorny tabs and he finally got the ISP bill for sending a trillion spam messages).
Steve (looks at video screen disgusted): The problem with Bill was he never had any taste. He shot himself with a Walmart gun. I would have used a limited edition Glock. Ok, now where was I (rereads dialogue sheet)...
Steve: Nick, my son, one more thing... help me shut down this dreaded RDF field once and for all.
Nick: But you'll loose your CEO power and be a hippie again.
Steve: Nothing can stop that now. Just for once let me look on you with my own eyes.
[Nick takes off black turtleneck RDF ]
Steve: Now go Nick. Leave me.
Nick: No, you're coming with me. I'll not leave you here. I've got to save the First Amendment.
Steve: You already have, Nick. You were right. You were right about . Tell Princess Ellen, you were right. Ah, reminds me of my youth (gleary eyes). Go back to your Home Planet of Harvard and finish your education. You will be needed....
Epilogue:
Steve gets up, fires up iTunes Visuals to Beatles music. He stares quietly at the screen for 5 years until the machine finally breaks down. He then speaks again for the first time in front of the broken machine: ' Boom, there you go'...
He is put in an asylum where he keeps giving inspiring keynotes to other inmates.
A new global computer conglomerate emerges: Kormac-Lenovo. Kormac-Lenovo takes over Samsung, Sony, IBM and what remained of Microsoft making it the first Asian IT giant. The Kormac-Lenovo cash cow is the i*******v2 product range taking in billions of dollars of profits every year.
Phil, Ron and Nancy retire from Apple to run an adult video production company. Phil and Ron successfully lobby the US senate for same-sex marriages.
Ryan and the MOSR crew start posting conspiracy theories that the real i*****v2 project is yet to come. The new cult movement 'MOSR - I want to believe in v2' forces all members to click at least 1000 times a month on the annoying 'get a new cursor' ads on macosrumors.com. A mass suicide puts an end to the cult in Montana after the real i*****v2 rumor announcement fails to materialize. Ryan escapes but is lynched by an angry mob of Amiga lovers soon after - he started promising similar v2 products in an Amiga cult camp in Latin America.
Linus Torvalds is fined with a 1 Billion dollar after a highly intelligent albino dolphin is called as withness in the SCO trials. He reveals (using morse code) that Linus stole the source code from a penguin at the Helsinki zoo in 1991. The Linux project is scrapped. The source code is returned to the aging pinguin. Linus is put in jail sharing a cell with Michael Jackson.
Nick marries Ellen and becomes the new CEO of Apple. All lawsuits are scrapped. Macrumors.com and AppleInsider become the official Apple announcement pages. Daily status bars inform visitors of progress on Apple products.
World peace ensues.
.......
Credit roll:
http://www.apple.com/pr/bios/
Many NDA holders have died in the making of this film.
Betrand and Avie Tevanian were not available for extended roles in this movie since they were too busy getting the OS X 10.4 Golden Master done.
For those who mailed what movie quotes I referenced to in my post: Mainly Star Wars Episode VI in a wild mix with 2001, Casablanca and The Life Aquatic/Lost in Translation, Star Wars Episode VI, 'All your Base are belong us' , Kormac 77 and Ellen Feiss quotes.
BTW, the earlier Business2 article I linked to is now available without login:
http://www.business2.com/b2/web/arti...037197,00.html
Nothing earth-shattering, but it's the first time I have seen a mainstream publication talk about Apple rumors in so much detail.
More about iPods and iHome than Apple computers, so it's actually more about the 'Extended Universe'
Speaking of Star Wars and Apple: If new machines and 10.4 really appear in April, there could be a Star Wars tie-in (again) with Apple QT7. I heard the Episode III trailer will be released in HD in mid-April.... Year of HD for Apple ? Would all make sense...
I must say I think your information is correct:
===============================
Steve: One more shouting, you might be fired!.
Well we need Unisex name which Nobody can guess what it does contain, I think I can call it "iPod". What you guys are think?
Marketing Man 1 &2: It is wonderful name! ( I don't want to be fired ! )
Steve: Than do it !
http://www.siliconvalleywatcher.com/...convalleyw.php
from the AlphaMosaic press release (9/2004):
Building on the success of the VC01, Alphamosaic is now sampling VC02, the world's most advanced mobile multimedia processor. The VC02 can display video on 3.5 inch color LCDs and capture 8 megapixel images, making it ideal for watching TV, making videos or taking studio-quality photos on a cellphone.
(...)
VideoCore Technology
Alphamosaic's VideoCore technology is rapidly establishing itself as the leading solution for low power, high performance multimedia processing in cellular phones and other mobile devices. It is a fully programmable, highly parallel architecture optimized for high performance applications while maintaining industry-leading low power operation. Competing solutions often use general purpose processors at high clock frequencies to achieve performance, resulting in higher power consumption. Additionally, those solutions require hardware accelerators for specific fixed functions which lack flexibility and scalability to support new emerging standards.
In a joint statement, Alphamosaic founders Steve Barlow (CTO) and Dr. Robert Swann (VP Marketing) said: 'From our founding, we committed to develop a technology that would revolutionize multimedia in mobile handheld products. Since that time, we have delivered both production-proven technology and commercial success. With the strength and clear pathway that being part of Broadcom will provide, we look forward to furthering our vision and achieving even greater success.'
The programmable nature of the VideoCore product family allows scaling to new video and audio standards such as H.264 and aacPlus. H.264 video compression will be important as broadcasters demand bandwidth-efficient compression schemes to deliver digital video to mobile devices. VideoCore also reduces overall system cost by integrating all image processing functionality, allowing connection directly to CMOS/CCD camera sensors and eliminating the need for a separate image processing chip.
The VideoCore product family also excels in high-quality 3D graphics performance with the capability to support pixel shading and volumetric lighting with low power consumption, making it ideal for use in mobile gaming applications and comparable in performance to home consoles.
___________
Apple's upcoming answer if the SONY PSP is going to be very successful this year ?
Originally posted by jabba
More on new iPods capabilities...
http://www.siliconvalleywatcher.com/...convalleyw.php
Holy crap! I bet Kormac just had an orgasm. Should that be Korgasm? Can't believe that story doesn't have a April 1st date on it.
My take on wha the legendary i*****v2 is:
i*****v2 = PowerPod incorporating this new chip.
Not that I believe Kormac has any inside knowledge. Apple said the iPod only took them a few months to bring to market and the i*****v2 rumors is years old.
But the funny thing is this new device - launched by the end of 2005 - could come close to the original rumor
PS: The i********v2 story is so old I don't remember. What was Kormac predicting ? A portable or a stationary/home multimedia device ? Can any of the old-time members help refresh my memory ? Thanks.
Let's enjoy the new era of APPLE.
And New iStation & i****v2 use Intel chip because Intel has chips which it have CPU + Graphic + Wifi capability
in one chip set and add DNA concept, we will see a lot of new things to come.
but X station use dual core Power PC.
-------------------------------------------------------
WWDC :
X station for Big project , like CAD, CAE,
i****v2 as Notepad size( Now it can be a good time!)
HD Video Digtal life Plan
with H.264,MPEG-2 TS support by QT7
QuickTime TV with SONY PSP support
Have a good time.
Intel CEO Otellini = Sith Lord
but I don't have time
Anyway, so i******v2 had to wait because of Intel, Kormac ? Tell us more then 8)
Personally, I think Intel chips could first show up in a new non-Mac product from Apple, like a PowerPod or other mobile devices.
Also, if the collaboration pans out, Apple will likely be one of the first companies to use WiMAX chips from Intel.
Originally posted by jabba
I could add a new figure to my little play above...
Intel CEO Otellini = Sith Lord
but I don't have time
Anyway, so i******v2 had to wait because of Intel, Kormac ? Tell us more then 8)
Personally, I think Intel chips could first show up in a new non-Mac product from Apple, like a PowerPod or other mobile devices.
Also, if the collaboration pans out, Apple will likely be one of the first companies to use WiMAX chips from Intel.
Why wait? Apple has said this is what we are doing and you have about six months or a little more to get your products ready. More to the point, what few products that will get bumped prior to the change? There are only two that need it, the Powerbook and the iBook, but are there compelling chips to bump with? Apple may take what they can get but the change will be swift. Apple has he pieces in place to change today, they gave the developers fair warning and have the tools in place to make the change. The change in hardware will start in January and will be complete by June 2006. The part about the "change" being complete by 2007 is about all of the apps, not the hardware. You could see what the developers reaction was. Those that had some knowledge of the tools said it was easy. Apple will be watching curtain products and their own development teams, once they hit critical mass they will make the switch. They will not put toes in this water they are committed, they, and we, are going to jump. Read about the pentium M, it can beat the Pentium 4, while consuming 27watts, the Pentium 4 has to consume 115W and still places second. Apple will make this jump ASAP, and we will love it the water is fine!
Originally posted by Brendon
Why wait? Apple has said this is what we are doing and you have about six months or a little more to get your products ready.
My impression was that the HW transition period is too long, why not introduce some Intel models by the end of this year already ?
The chances for an i*****v2 introduction in 2005 and aggressive iPods/PowerPods updates are high - or Apple will feel the "Osborne effect" IMO.
Either that or price cuts to PPC lines coming...
Originally posted by jabba
My impression was that the HW transition period is too long, why not introduce some Intel models by the end of this year already ?
The chances for an i*****v2 introduction in 2005 and aggressive iPods/PowerPods updates are high - or Apple will feel the "Osborne effect" IMO.
Either that or price cuts to PPC lines coming...
They are waiting for some chips that are due out in the first half of '06, read about the Pentium-M. Starting with Yonha.