Good News and Bad News: Help?

Posted:
in AppleOutsider edited January 2014
The Good:



SDW is engaged! It happened last Friday night, and I'm thrilled. As many of you know this is my second time around, so to speak. We're looking at sometime next year...

originally thinking June).



The Bad:



My brother is getting married August 8th. I asked him if it would be a problem if we did it before his, and he didn't think so. Then he talked to his bride-to-be. She basically had a hissy fit and now I'm told it "would be extremely hard on her." Ugh. They feel it would take something away from them, especially since neither has been married before. Having it after theirs is very difficult though, especially since my sister is getting married next fall too! (which she sprung on us when I told her I was engaged). I also will have trouble taking off of work in the fall. Keep in mind that the bride will be pissed if it's ANY TIME before her wedding. My initial thought is to explain that this is how it has to be and explain further that there is no intention of taking anything away. We may also do it earlier (before Easter). AHHHHHH!!!!!!



What is the etiquette on this? Any help is appreciated! \
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Comments

  • Reply 1 of 42
    floorjackfloorjack Posts: 2,726member
    Seems like you're in the dog house because it's your second. August is a long way off. Kind of unfair of your brother's future nightmare claim ownership of the next 10 months. I would say a 6 month buffer is more than fair.



    Sounds like you'll have to have a sit down and figure it all out.
  • Reply 2 of 42
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SDW2001 View Post


    The Good:



    SDW is engaged! It happened last Friday night, and I'm thrilled. As many of you know this is my second time around, so to speak. We're looking at sometime next year...

    originally thinking June).



    The Bad:



    My brother is getting married August 8th. I asked him if it would be a problem if we did it before his, and he didn't think so. Then he talked to his bride-to-be. She basically had a hissy fit and now I'm told it "would be extremely hard on her." Ugh. They feel it would take something away from them, especially since neither has been married before. Having it after theirs is very difficult though, especially since my sister is getting married next fall too! (which she sprung on us when I told her I was engaged). I also will have trouble taking off of work in the fall. Keep in mind that the bride will be pissed if it's ANY TIME before her wedding. My initial thought is to explain that this is how it has to be and explain further that there is no intention of taking anything away. We may also do it earlier (before Easter). AHHHHHH!!!!!!



    What is the etiquette on this? Any help is appreciated! \



    Congrats!!



    What to do in your shoes???



    I have no idea...



    Run off to Vegas or something





    http://homepage.mac.com/fellowship/PhotoAlbum63.html



    Fellows
  • Reply 3 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fellowship View Post


    Congrats!!



    What to do in your shoes???



    I have no idea...



    Run off to Vegas or something





    http://homepage.mac.com/fellowship/PhotoAlbum63.html



    Fellows







    Thinking about it!
  • Reply 4 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by FloorJack View Post


    Seems like you're in the dog house because it's your second. August is a long way off. Kind of unfair of your brother's future nightmare claim ownership of the next 10 months. I would say a 6 month buffer is more than fair.



    Sounds like you'll have to have a sit down and figure it all out.



    "Future nightmare." =



    I agree, I think. One can't "x" out the next 10 months like that. It's really more is fiance I think. She's a great girl, but a bit of a princess.
  • Reply 5 of 42
    addaboxaddabox Posts: 12,660member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SDW2001 View Post


    "Future nightmare." =



    I agree, I think. One can't "x" out the next 10 months like that. It's really more is fiance I think. She's a great girl, but a bit of a princess.



    I know it may seem suspicious, coming from a godless liberal, but in my book family is the most important thing in the world.



    I think the question you should ask yourself is "just how difficult will it be to wait a while? Alienate the new member of the family and quite possibly your brother difficult?" Does your intended have strong feelings about the matter, or is just logistics?



    This is one of those times that I don't think it does much good to focus on what's "fair." Nobody cares about fair away on down the road, when what you'll have are memories and time well spent or not.



    Is it worth it to get off on the wrong foot and possibly put something in motion that you'll always regret, just because you know you're right?



    I say be a good guy and keep the peace. If you've found the right person a few months won't matter.
  • Reply 6 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by addabox View Post


    I know it may seem suspicious, coming from a godless liberal, but in my book family is the most important thing in the world.





    Quote:



    I think the question you should ask yourself is "just how difficult will it be to wait a while? Alienate the new member of the family and quite possibly your brother difficult?" Does your intended have strong feelings about the matter, or is just logistics?



    This is one of those times that I don't think it does much good to focus on what's "fair." Nobody cares about fair away on down the road, when what you'll have are memories and time well spent or not.



    Is it worth it to get off on the wrong foot and possibly put something in motion that you'll always regret, just because you know you're right?



    I say be a good guy and keep the peace. If you've found the right person a few months won't matter.



    Well events have unfolded a bit further. I spoke to my brother yesterday We got into it pretty heavy. I've been told that not only will they be "very upset" if we get married anytime before their wedding, but if it's a month or two after as well. So what they've done is squatted all of 2009. I communicated that this was not a reasonable position by any standard whatsoever. Essentially, his finance is "a wreck" about this already, and we've "already taken something away from their wedding." Wow.



    My fiance (edited, thanks tonton) spoke to his, and while it was a reasonable conversation, it's clear that his fiance (thanks again, tonton!) is absolutely out of her mind with this wedding thing (see her comments above). We mentioned that we don't want to impinge on their wedding, but that we can't see how having it 2-4 months before or a month after is really a problem for anyone. Basically what this comes down to is she wants the spotlight on her for a good 6 months and feels entitled because they have been together 5 years and now it's "their time."



    And adda, I hear you about not upsetting the family and thinking of the long term. However, my problem with that is this: Shouldn't my brother and his fiance consider this as well? I mean, it doesn't seem like there is any consideration as to what my finance and I (and my family) will think of his bride-to-be.



    The bottom line is that I think they'll feel a little better if it's as far away from their wedding as possible. So we're looking at either June or April, over my spring break. Beyond that, I can't control their feelings or reaction. There is a certain point where everyone is going to have to be an adult, not a princess.
  • Reply 7 of 42
    sammi josammi jo Posts: 4,634member
    Congratulations! All the very best to you and your future spouse.
  • Reply 8 of 42
    Have it in the same month, or better yet...the week before, and make it a Star Wars themed wedding.
  • Reply 9 of 42
    tulkastulkas Posts: 3,754member
    How is this even an issue? If she has the level of maturity of a 6 year old spoiled princess, then she needs to be shown the real world. To pander to her demands at this point is the same as giving into a child throwing a tantrum. Sure, it would shut her up for now, but it would set a precedent and one that would be hard to break.



    Now, why don't you and you fiance tell her how she is taking away from your wedding. Is this your fiance's first time round? If so, then she has as much right to make demands on your brother's fiance that she is placing on you guys. More so, since your actions are not meant to negatively impact anyone else, while hers are only in her interests. She is actively acting in a way to 'ruin' your wedding, while you guys seem to be going out of your way to accommodate her, or to trying to.



    I would approach her and your brother and in all seriousness ask them when they will allow you to hold your wedding, actually ask them to set the date for you. I would put it just like that and maybe they will clue in to how ridiculous that sounds. I wouldn't be rude or belligerent, but simply let them hear for themselves what they are really asking of you, that is permission to set a date for your own wedding.
  • Reply 10 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tulkas View Post


    How is this even an issue? If she has the level of maturity of a 6 year old spoiled princess, then she needs to be shown the real world. To pander to her demands at this point is the same as giving into a child throwing a tantrum. Sure, it would shut her up for now, but it would set a precedent and one that would be hard to break.



    Now, why don't you and you fiance tell her how she is taking away from your wedding. Is this your fiance's first time round? If so, then she has as much right to make demands on your brother's fiance that she is placing on you guys. More so, since your actions are not meant to negatively impact anyone else, while hers are only in her interests. She is actively acting in a way to 'ruin' your wedding, while you guys seem to be going out of your way to accommodate her, or to trying to.



    I would approach her and your brother and in all seriousness ask them when they will allow you to hold your wedding, actually ask them to set the date for you. I would put it just like that and maybe they will clue in to how ridiculous that sounds. I wouldn't be rude or belligerent, but simply let them hear for themselves what they are really asking of you, that is permission to set a date for your own wedding.



    Well, I completely agree. As for the last part, it's funny...we've not been told not to have it...we've been told there will be "long term repercussions." This is, of course, a threat. Everyone I've spoken to about this is ASTOUNDED at their attitude. I agree...she is acting a like spoiled little princess. I've lost a lot of respect for her over the past few days.
  • Reply 11 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Guybrush Threepwood View Post


    Have it in the same month, or better yet...the week before, and make it a Star Wars themed wedding.







    Or we could have a straight-up competition to see who has the better wedding, since that is what she is concerned about. Maybe we could rig it so we'd lose overwhelmingly.
  • Reply 12 of 42
    addaboxaddabox Posts: 12,660member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SDW2001 View Post








    Well events have unfolded a bit further. I spoke to my brother yesterday We got into it pretty heavy. I've been told that not only will they be "very upset" if we get married anytime before their wedding, but if it's a month or two after as well. So what they've done is squatted all of 2009. I communicated that this was not a reasonable position by any standard whatsoever. Essentially, his finance is "a wreck" about this already, and we've "already taken something away from their wedding." Wow.



    My finance spoke to his, and while it was a reasonable conversation, it's clear that his finance is absolutely out of her mind with this wedding thing (see her comments above). We mentioned that we don't want to impinge on their wedding, but that we can't see how having it 2-4 months before or a month after is really a problem for anyone. Basically what this comes down to is she wants the spotlight on her for a good 6 months and feels entitled because they have been together 5 years and now it's "their time."



    And adda, I hear you about not upsetting the family and thinking of the long term. However, my problem with that is this: Shouldn't my brother and his fiance consider this as well? I mean, it doesn't seem like there is any consideration as to what my finance and I (and my family) will think of his bride-to-be.



    The bottom line is that I think they'll feel a little better if it's as far away from their wedding as possible. So we're looking at either June or April, over my spring break. Beyond that, I can't control their feelings or reaction. There is a certain point where everyone is going to have to be an adult, not a princess.



    Well, I guess I agree with you, then. Waiting for a while after their marriage qualifies as "going along to get along", being expected to allow 6 months does seem a tad insane.



    I still say that, if it's all the same to you, sticking to your guns just to make a point about not being bullied isn't that great a call. Seems like have the bad feelings in the world come down to everybody not wanting to get bossed around, when in the final analysis a lot of that stuff just doesn't matter, much.



    But if you are eager to tie the knot and you've already made an effort to accommodate, I say kill you brother's finance, harvest her organs, and bake them into your wedding cake.



    I have a hard time with the middle part between "bending over backwards" and "psychotic freak out."
  • Reply 13 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by addabox View Post


    Well, I guess I agree with you, then. Waiting for a while after their marriage qualifies as "going along to get along", being expected to allow 6 months does seem a tad insane.



    I still say that, if it's all the same to you, sticking to your guns just to make a point about not being bullied isn't that great a call. Seems like have the bad feelings in the world come down to everybody not wanting to get bossed around, when in the final analysis a lot of that stuff just doesn't matter, much.



    But if you are eager to tie the knot and you've already made an effort to accommodate, I say kill you brother's finance, harvest her organs, and bake them into your wedding cake.



    I have a hard time with the middle part between "bending over backwards" and "psychotic freak out."



    \ Oooookkk then!



    One thing I should say is this isn't about sticking to my guns. It's really about the fact that we want to get married sometime next year. There are better times than others...for example June is better than October. But yeah....none of that matters to them apparently. The point is that they "won't be happy" unless we get married significantly later than them...like around the end of the Mayan calendar.
  • Reply 14 of 42
    e1618978e1618978 Posts: 6,074member
    It sounds like your brother would be better off without her - get married when you like and hopefully she will get so mad she decides not to wed. (only half kidding...)
  • Reply 15 of 42
    floorjackfloorjack Posts: 2,726member
    One has to wonder what large families do.





    Consult some wedding etiquette if you need to.
  • Reply 16 of 42
    I don't think you've answered a pretty important question that Tulkas asked above: Is this your future wife's first marriage? If so, I agree that she has every right to have whatever wedding, whenever she likes.....within reason of course. Meaning, maybe not in the same month as your brother's, but otherwise, let your fiance plan the wedding she wants (and you both can afford).



    But if it is a second marriage for both of you, are you really planning on doing the "big production" again? Something much less formal and a bit more low-key this time is probably best if you've both been through it before.
  • Reply 17 of 42
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Maybe I missed this, but has your fiance been married before?



    Oh, and CONGRATS!
  • Reply 18 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JupiterOne View Post


    I don't think you've answered a pretty important question that Tulkas asked above: Is this your future wife's first marriage? If so, I agree that she has every right to have whatever wedding, whenever she likes.....within reason of course. Meaning, maybe not in the same month as your brother's, but otherwise, let your fiance plan the wedding she wants (and you both can afford).



    But if it is a second marriage for both of you, are you really planning on doing the "big production" again? Something much less formal and a bit more low-key this time is probably best if you've both been through it before.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by midwinter View Post


    Maybe I missed this, but has your fiance been married before?



    Oh, and CONGRATS!



    Thanks guys. This is her first wedding. She's not obsessed with "the wedding" though...we just want to get married. She does want a nice wedding, but it doesn't have to be a blowout. It's looking like my Spring break now...April 4th. That's 4 months prior to my brother's, so if they are upset, go figure.
  • Reply 19 of 42
    midwintermidwinter Posts: 10,060member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SDW2001 View Post


    Thanks guys. This is her first wedding. She's not obsessed with "the wedding" though...we just want to get married. She does want a nice wedding, but it doesn't have to be a blowout. It's looking like my Spring break now...April 4th. That's 4 months prior to my brother's, so if they are upset, go figure.



    If that's the case, and it wouldn't upset her family, then I'd accommodate your brother's bridezilla.
  • Reply 20 of 42
    sdw2001sdw2001 Posts: 17,038member
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by midwinter View Post


    If that's the case, and it wouldn't upset her family, then I'd accommodate your brother's bridezilla.



    Well, "accommodating" is one thing. Not getting married anytime next year is not what I'd call accommodating. That's more like "let's cater to the princess bridezilla and give her anything she wants."
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